LILAH
(Age 14)
My fingers trailed across the water's surface as I made my way out into Silver Creek. The day was hot, one of the hottest I could remember. It didn't take long for me to abandon the sweltering heat of the cabin.
I was at my usual spot, down the trail behind my house. I held back a sigh as the water reached my thighs, sending a pleasant chill up my spine. For a moment, I was tempted to drift out even further. To submerge myself and feel the heat leave my body like a demon being exorcised. But then, I reminded myself that the creek was dangerous and that I was out here alone.
I was used to it... being alone. Some days I wondered if my existence was possibly the loneliest one ever lived by a teenage girl. Aside from Maggie, who I was forced to communicate with, on account of her being my mother, the only other person I talked to regularly was my best friend, Sam. In truth, she was my only friend. We'd been in the same grade since elementary school, but she lived in Silver City so I didn't see her much in the Summer.
I knew that I was an oddity—that girls my age were supposed to be surrounded by friends, spending their summers chasing fun and adventure... and boys. And I did want those things, sometimes so much that the ache made me sick. But, there was always something stopping me.
Deep down, I knew I would never be good enough. Because, who was I?
I was nobody. Just some poor, creek-crawler that no one gave a shit about. I heard the whispers at school and around town... everyone seemed certain that I'd end up just like Momma. Penniless. Husband-less. Faithless. Abandoned by the past with no hope for a future. Living every day, a slave to my own sinful nature.
I was nobody. And how could that ever be good enough?
A sound caught my attention.
Soft.
Rustling.
Footsteps.
My head jerked toward the trail, my body, snapping around with it. It took a moment for my brain to register what I was seeing. Or, who.
Noah Montgomery stood on the banks of the creek, gawking down at me just as hard as I was gawking up at him, frozen mid-step like a deer caught in the headlights. He moved suddenly, taking a step forward, then paused and jerked backward, unable to make up his mind if he should stay or go. Playing a game of tug-of-war with himself.
In the back of my mind, images surfaced—memories of our time here, our safe haven, hidden among the trees.
But, that was a long time ago. More than enough time for us to become strangers to each other. To ourselves. It might as well have been 100 years with how much we'd each changed, Noah especially.
A steely numbness began to course through me, shielding me like armor, protecting me from the past, from this boy, who looked more like a man now.
Noah's face morphed into an emotionless mask—a blank slate that did nothing to hint at what he was thinking as he stood there, staring down at me.
I expected him to walk away, to turn around and go on about his business just like always. To my astonishment, he inhaled a deep breath and started making his way down the bank.
I glanced down at myself in a panic. I had on only a black bikini, one that was, admittedly, too small for me. It was the only bathing suit I owned—a hand-me-down Maggie had given me. In fact, most of my clothes were hand-me-downs of Maggie's.
I felt naked. Exposed. Trapped.
I could leave, simply walk away. But then I would look like a coward. Like someone who was running. For some reason, I couldn't stand the thought of him knowing how much his presence affected me. He'd probably take great satisfaction in it, especially, given his sordid reputation with girls.
The word around Midnight was that Noah had slept with half the girls in the junior class, his latest, being Heather McNeil.
Heather McNeil, with her perfect hair and her hourglass body.
I wrapped my arms tightly across my chest, covering the little cleavage that I had, deciding there was nothing else I could do.
His feet crunched to a halt at the water's edge.
Neither of us spoke right away. I studied the details of his face. His eyes, like shattered blue glass. His dark hair, curling from the summer heat. His shirt and hands were stained black with engine grease and a dark smear streaked over one eyebrow where he wiped the sweat away. He'd been at Gordy's. Everyone in town knew that was where Noah spent most of his free time.
He seemed to be making a similar assessment of me, his eyes moving over me carefully. I wanted to sink down into the water and disappear.
"How's the water?" he asked.
I studied him with apprehension, like he'd just spoken an alien language. "Fine," I answered, in a less-than-friendly tone. I wondered briefly why he chose to come here instead of the Knot to swim. I glanced around nervously, sure that his friends would appear over the bank at any moment.
Noah cleared his thoat. "Sorry for interrupting." His hand moved up to rub the back of his neck—a sort of nervous tick. "I wasn't really expecting anyone to be here."
"I could tell." I shifted my weight in the water, trying to disguise my anxiety as annoyance. "I take it you don't come here often?" I asked.
He shook his head. "Not for a long time."
Looking each other in the eye suddenly became difficult. We both knew what he really meant was, not since we stopped being friends.
"The place hasn't changed much," he added, his eyes scanning and finally settling back on me.
No the place hasn't changed much, I thought. Just you.
I nodded, but otherwise stayed silent. This was new territory, and as casual as the conversation was, a heaviness hung in the air between us, musty and thick, like a curtain of sweet Spanish moss.
"Do you always swim here alone?" he asked, his expression, curious. But underneath was something else. Almost like worry.
I shrugged. "Usually."
I was always alone, but that wasn't something I was going to share.
"You shouldn't. When the water's high, it's dangerous."
I studied him for a moment, wondering where this sudden interest in my safety was coming from. "I don't go out very far."
The truth was, I couldn't go out far because I couldn't swim. I never learned. Maggie never showed an interest in teaching me things. And Maggie only ever did the things she had an interest in.
The fact that, at age fourteen, I didn't know how to swim was just as embarrassing as it was depressing, and I couldn't help the flush that started to bloom across my cheeks. Unable to hide my reaction, Noah gave me a funny look. "Are you OK? Your face is really red."
"No." I shook my head. "I mean, yeah. I'm fine." I paused. "It's just the heat."
"Yeah." He smiled and looked up at the sky. "I noticed."
I couldn't help smiling back.
Suddenly, his expression changed. "Hey. The other day I was wondering... Do you still have Shadow?"
The smile slipped off my face, replaced by a heaviness in my chest. Shadow was a dog I had rescued when we were kids. I named him Shadow because of his silky black fur. He used to follow me and Noah around everywhere.
I looked Noah in the eye for a moment before glancing down at the water. Slowly, I shook my head no.
Noah exhaled. "Sorry," his voice was filled with regret. "He was a good dog."
"Yeah," I nodded. "He was."
There was a long pause, more out of respect for Shadow than anything. Still, I felt myself growing annoyed. I hadn't spoken to Noah in years and suddenly he shows up, talking about Shadow. Reopening the past like an old wound. Pretending he actually cares.
The words came before I could stop them. "I'm surprised you even remembered that."
Noah looked up at me, his expression serious. "Why do you say that?" His voice was firm but I could feel the hesitation in it.
I shrugged. "It was a long time ago."
He briefly considered this. "Not that long ago."
"Feels like a life time ago, to me," I said.
There was a flash of something in his eyes. Guilt mixed with hurt. The tension was back, even stronger than before. I could see he was working up something to say. Suddenly, I was afraid of what it might be, so I interrupted.
"Why did you come down here, Noah?"
This seemed to throw him for a second. His head drew back, confused. "To swim."
I wanted to ask why he didn't just go to the Knot, like usual, but it would sound like I was keeping tabs on him. And I definitely wasn't.
Instead, I said, "Well, go ahead then." I motioned at the water and then started making my way out of it, being extra careful not to fall and make a fool out of myself.
"You're not gonna swim?"
I didn't meet his eye. "No."
"Why not?"
Still in the water, I paused. This was what I had been dreading. I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "I can't," I said.
"Do you have somewhere to be?"
"No."
Several seconds passed.
"Then, why?" he asked.
I finally looked over at him.
"Tell me," he said. It wasn't a demand. It was a plea.
Watching him, I felt the strongest sense of deja vu. It was such a strange feeling, like being unable to tell the difference between memories and a dream. The fact that Noah and I were actually together... in our old spot... suddenly hit me. Oddly, the thought comforted me.
Go on.... tell him, my brain said, betraying me.
"I don't know how to swim," I said.
I expected him to look surprised. Even, to look at me with pity. But, he didn't. Instead, he was quiet for a long moment.
The silence was building and I found myself wishing he would say something—anything. Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore. I took another step toward the bank.
I never expected what came out of his mouth next.
"I could teach you," he blurted out.
I froze again, and looked up to gauge his expression. He stared back unwavering. He was being serious.
Noah, teaching me to swim? I felt a jolt of panic. It scared and excited me at the same time. I tried to brush off the feeling.
"No way," I shook my head. "I've heard about the crazy stunts you guys do at the Knot. If I let you teach me, I'll end up drowning."
He laughed. "You used to like that sort of thing."
I felt a flash of embarrassment. Spying on the people at the Knot used to give me a thrill. If I'm being honest though, it wasn't the back flips that I found thrilling.
He took a step toward me, reclaiming my attention. "I'd never let you drown, Lilah."
My heart started pounding. He'd said this to me before, in this very spot. It was the first time we ever came here.
Had he remembered that all this time, or was it just a coincidence?
Suddenly, he was smirking. "You know... unless you're scared." It sounded like a challenge.
I snorted. "I'm not scared," I said, turning to face him properly.
"Prove it," he said, taking another step toward me.
He was grinning now—a big, shitty grin—knowing that he had me on the line. Knowing that I wouldn't say no.
We stood there, staring each other down.
"Fine," I said. I turned and started to make my way back into the water.
"Right now?" he asked.
I paused, looked back over my shoulder. "Do you have something better to do?"
"I don't have anything to wear," he said, glancing down at his dirty clothes.
I looked at him, confused.
"Like I said... I didn't expect anyone to be here."
Understanding suddenly hit me.
Oh, Lord.
The thought of Noah... sneaking around my spot... naked... was something I couldn't even picture, let alone believe.
I thought about his dilemma for a second, then shrugged. "Just swim in your underwear," I said, making sure to keep my voice casual. Unaffected.
"In my underwear?" He raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah. You're wearing some aren't you?" I teased.
He laughed.
He watched me for a moment before biting down on his bottom lip. He seemed to be thoroughly debating it. I found it odd, considering the things other girls said about him. From what I'd heard, Noah wasn't the debating type.
"You know... unless you're scared," I said, repeating his words. I flashed him the same devious smile.
Smirking, he shook his head.
Feeling satisfied with myself, I gestured toward the water.
He reached down to grab the hem of his t-shirt and started to lift it over his head. My eyes froze on his bare stomach, the smile, slipping off my face. I felt the urge to turn away, to give him some privacy, but the notion seemed silly. What was the big deal?
He discarded his shirt on the sandy bank, then sat down to work on the laces of his boots. He managed to get each one off, then both socks. I watched him with semi-fascination. I'd never watched a guy undress before.
At least, not one I wanted to see.
He stuffed his socks inside his boots and then stood back up. His hand moved to his belt buckle and then he froze.
"I'm just warning you now... they don't leave much to the imagination," he said. This, too, sounded like a challenge.
"And a bikini does?" I asked.
He shrugged.
Our eyes met briefly before I glanced away. I kept my eyes averted while he finished taking off his jeans.
"You ready?" he asked.
I looked back, careful to keep my eyes on his face, and nodded.
We both entered the water up to our wastes. Normally, it would take a second to get used to the temperature, but today was so hot, it was like stepping into a bath.
Noah turned to me. "Can you float on your back?" he asked.
I shook my head no.
"Okay. You should probably learn to do that first." Hesistant, he stepped closer to me. "It's easy. Just watch what I do," he said.
He sunk down in the water so it came up to his shoulders. I did the same.
"Just lay back and try to relax. Spread your arms, take a deep breath, and..."
He let his body float on the surface, still, lifeless.
Feeling unsure, I tried to mimic his actions, taking a deep breath and leaning back. I lifted my legs... and started to sink like a rock. I panicked for a moment and flailed my arms before finding my footing. I stood up and wiped the water from my eyes.
Noah was standing now, too. "It's okay." He took a step closer until he was right beside me. "I'll help you. Lean back and I'll hold you up."
I shot him a look.
"I won't let go until you say."
I studied his face for a moment and nodded.
I leaned back in the water again, only this time, I felt Noah's hands underneath me. One, in the middle of my back, one, under my legs. I took a deep breath and tried to relax. I glanced up at Noah but his eyes were focused on my body. Moving from my waste, up my stomach.
I closed my eyes.
The pressure from his hands decreased. I started to feel comfortable. I took a couple breaths.
"Ready?" he asked. His voice was quiet.
"Yes," I breathed out, trying not to move.
He pulled his hands away.
I opened my eyes. Noah was gone, standing a few feet to my left, now. I was floating. I was doing it. I started to sink a little and took another breath. I moved my hands back and forth, almost on instinct. It was enough to keep my face above the water.
"See," he said. "Easy."
I laughed. Not because it was easy or because I was actually floating... but because I still couldn't get over the fact that Noah was teaching me how to swim. In our old spot, like old times.
Like friends.
It was still so bizarre.
Feeling like I was pushing my limit, I let my feet sink down until they hit the bottom and stood up. I was still smiling. I couldn't help it.
Noah smiled back.
"That was really good," he said. "Do you wanna keep going?"
"Sure," I nodded.
"So... doggy paddle or breast stroke next?" he asked.
My eyes went wide. "Excuse me?"
*
Noah spent the next couple hours teaching me the basics of swimming. I'd gotten floating down like a pro. Going under the water was a different story. I hated the idea of keeping my eyes closed, not being able to see where I was going or what was under there with me.
At the end of our session, Noah offered to come back the next day so I could practice again.
"It's really the only way to learn," he said.
I agreed.
He also made me promise not to swim there alone anymore. I was reluctant at first, but he seemed genuinely concerned about it. Eventually, we compromised.
"At least, wait until you know how to swim better?" he asked.
"Fine," I stubbornly agreed.
Noah seemed satisfied with this answer. Then he went quiet, his expression turning into something dark. "Where did you get those bruises?" he asked.
My heart started to pound. I opened my mouth, then closed it. "I don't know," I said, glancing at the purple patches on my arm. "I must've bumped into something."
He studied my face. His eyes were full of doubt, but I held firm. Eventually, his shoulders relaxed and he nodded. The look he gave me told me he would let it go.
For now.
In the future, I'd have to be more careful around him. The thought made me anxious, but at the same time, I wanted to smile.
The future.
For so long, Noah was only a part of my past. Now, there was a chance for him to exist in my future. A chance for us to be friends again.
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