Soundtrack for this chapter
Let it Be—The Beatles
I Wanna Get Better—Bleachers
I Want You To Want Me—Cheap Trick
Ready to Go—Panic! at the Disco

3

I was able to make it through lunch with my fellow dancers without coming off like a complete social outcast, so that was a positive. As I made my way back to our flat, my mind kept going back to my encounter with Jude the night before. I'd never in my life been able to speak to a stranger so naturally, let alone someone who was rightfully famous. I always told myself that if I ever happened to meet a celebrity I would play it cool, knowing full well that I would actually be a stuttering mess and make an absolute fool of myself, but yesterday I was able to maintain my composure and not completely fumble over my words. And for three hours no less.

When I got back to my flat, Lily and I spent the rest of the afternoon watching British sitcoms we didn't quite understand and chatting about her first party in London.

"Elle, be honest with me. How do you think it went?" Lily looked a little nervous to get my unfiltered opinion.

"Have I ever not been honest with you? I think the food was great. It got a little too loud and crazy for me, which was why I escaped to the roof, but everyone else seemed to have a great time."

"I figured the atmosphere made you a little uncomfortable. Thanks for coming even though I know it was probably torture for you not knowing anyone," she said.

"Yeah, it kind of was torturous, at least until I met Jude."

"I can't believe I forgot. I might be the shittiest friend ever for not asking you about that. How did that happen, what did you talk about? He was insanely good looking, and he's like, a legitimate celebrity."

"You're my best friend, and therefore could never be the shittiest," I gave her a smile, "I'm hungry though, so let's make dinner, and I'll unload on you everything that happened."

I spent the next thirty minutes cooking with Lily (well, if we're being honest, she was cooking and I was helping) and recounting to her the three hours I spent with Jude on the rooftop deck. When we sat down to eat, it was Lily's turn to do some talking as I uncorked a bottle of red wine.

"You? You played it cool? I'm not sure I believe that." Lily brought both of her hands to her face in mock surprise.

"I know. It was weird. I have never, really never felt that comfortable talking to a complete stranger."

"Maybe he didn't feel like a stranger because you've seen him on TV before."

"Maybe." I hadn't considered that. Maybe I wasn't starting to come out of my shell. Maybe I felt like I already knew him and that was why I was able to be so comfortable around him so quickly. That was not the realization I'd been hoping for, and I followed it with a huge gulp of wine.

Suddenly, a sparkle lit up in Lily's eyes. "Or, maybe, you were so comfortable talking to him because he's your one true love." She batted her eyes at me as if that was going to make me take her any more seriously.

"Don't be ridiculous. I already had my chance with my one true love and it didn't work out, remember? Besides, I'm not looking for anyone." I knew exactly what conversation was about to follow, and I was feeling exhausted and in absolutely no mood to talk about it.

"It's been over a year. You need to start getting out more. You're on the dark side of your twenties now, you know." Upon noticing my level of discomfort the moment Lily opened her mouth, her expression and voice softened.

"You know it's not going to work out, Lily. It never will. Guys don't want to put up with me and what I want in a relationship. If I couldn't make someone who had known me my entire life happy, how am I going to do that for someone I just met?" Thinking about the possibility of not having the exact life I had planned out for myself since I was five always brought me distress, and I avoided the topic at all costs since the ending of what I thought was going to be my one and only relationship.

"Okay, you know that I never liked him. He was awful and you were just too in love to realize it. I'm still not sure how you don't recognize how terrible he was for you."

I rolled my eyes at Lily with no intention of hiding it from her.

"I'm serious. You had nothing in common—"

"We had everything in common," I said.

"No, you really didn't. You just think you did because you grew up with him. He was so superficial and arrogant and you are neither of those things. You liked what he liked because you were the one making all of the effort in that relationship. And—"

"Lily, please. I don't want to keep going over this."

"Well, until you actually start trying to find someone who is good for you I'm going to keep reminding you of how much of an ass he was. You haven't even given anyone else a chance. You think that there isn't anyone out there for you, but you don't know what guys will say or do until you've gone out with them more than once."

I closed my eyes before the next words left my mouth. "I have, Lily. I've tried it. They don't want to wait around." My skin was itching with anxiety at this point, and I just wanted to stop talking about it. "Can we not do this right now?"

"No. What do you mean 'I've tried it'? You haven't been on a second date with anyone you've gone out with in the last year."

I drained my glass before responding. "I have."

"What do you mean you have?" Lily's voice was getting tense, and I knew she was struggling to maintain her volume.

"I mean I have. I've gone out with guys more than once in the last year. One or two I've been on four or five dates with, and they all ended the same way. I'm sorry I lied to you. It was easier just to say there wasn't a connection."

"You've never lied to me; you've always been honest with me. Why didn't you tell me?"

I didn't think I could feel more awful, but now knowing that I upset Lily was making everything worse. "It's embarrassing, Lily. I know that I should just be a strong woman and stick to what I want, but when you're rejected over and over again for the same reason it gets hard to believe there is anyone out there who will actually accept you for it. I didn't tell you about the guys I had been out with multiple times because they were failures. And you know how much I hate failing."

Lily's expression softened once again before she spoke. "You're not the one failing. They are. They're failing at the chance to be with the most amazing woman I know, other than myself that is." Even in my lowest of lows, Lily was able to help lighten the mood. She grabbed the bottle of wine and refilled my glass. "What are you going to do about Jude?"

"What?"

"Didn't you say he said he wanted to see you again?"

"I mean, sure, he did say that, but I doubt that's going to happen." All day the little voice in the back of my head kept telling me that I should just forget the whole thing. That someone like Jude Anderson would undoubtedly be like the other men I met up with more than once.

"Why not?"

"Really, Lily? He's a celebrity. Do you really think a celebrity is one, going to give me the time of day, or two, take me as I am?" Saying it aloud hurt my ears and my heart because there was a moment the night before when I did think I would see Jude again.

"You never know, Elle."

Just as I rolled my eyes at Lily's answer once again, I heard a soft ding come from the living room.

"I must have left my phone in there. I'll be right back." I got up from the table to check to see who had texted me. The lights were out in the living room and only a soft glow emanated from my phone's screen, and when I hovered over it to pick it up, my heart picked up its pace.

"Who is it, Elle?"

"Take one guess." I head Lily drop her fork onto her plate with a loud clang as I unlocked my phone to read the text message I had just received from Jude.

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