49 | The Video

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I didn't know exactly what to say to defend myself, and I didn't exactly know if I should even try. At this point, I disliked the social experiment just as much as Nathan probably did. I continued for the sake of Stephanie, but that's about it.

My internal reasoning came to a halt as the mouse hovered over the video sitting in my email, and I braced myself to watch it. I clicked the link and downloaded the video before it loaded on my laptop screen. The second the "play" arrow appears, I take a deep breath and press it.

The opening scene is a video of me from junior year, when Stephanie was still in school with me. It's me sitting across from her in the school library, studying my notes and writing new ones down. I recognized the video; it was one Stephanie had taken and sent to me as a joke, and I sent her one back.

In the background of the video, you can hear the audio of Stephanie asking, "Lauren, describe yourself before the social experiment."

It zoomed up on me studying, so you could see my whole outfit; sweatpants, converse, a Beatles shirt, and a flannel.

As the video zooms in, you can hear me saying, "I spent most of my time studying. I was quiet, only had two friends, and I wore sweats a lot. I didn't really talk to anyone; I let people walk all over me before. I didn't stand up for myself."

The video changes to one of me sitting on Stephanie's dorm room bed, one of the days she asked I come over to do our interview questions. I wasn't aware she was filming me, and I wasn't looking at the camera, but rather her. My hair was in nice waves, I was sitting criss crossed on her bed with black jeans, heeled booties, and a tan vee-neck spaghetti strap.

"How would you describe yourself now, after the social experiment began?" Stephanie asks.

I stare at my own face through the screen as I answer. "I go out to a lot more parties, and do fun things with my new friends. I'm more outgoing and don't let people walk all over me anymore. I make a lot more reckless decisions," I smile in the video. "But I don't regret any of them."

"Do the girls in your school treat you differently now that you've changed?" Stephanie asks.

The video changes to the boob-cam film from the day that Nina wrote 'SLUT' in red lipstick on my locker. The video shows me walking up to the crowd of people around my locker, and the looks they give me as I approach. Finally, I break through the crowd, and the vandalism is in plain sight in the video.

"The girls don't really like me. There's this one girl, the queen bee of our school; she hates me. She turned all her followers against me. When they see me in the halls, they make comments under their breaths. The girl frequently tries to insult or embarrass me in front of everyone else." I answer, disheartened.

"Do the boys treat you differently?"

The video cuts to footage from Brett's New Year's Eve party. It's a video of me walking through the party with Steph behind me, who is holding the camera, and you can see the way the boys we pass look at me, touch me, or try to talk to me.

"Guys that have never noticed me before now come up to me at parties and hit on me. I think there's definitely an increased interest from the male population at school."

"And have you changed the way you act around them? Specifically, have you begun dating or merely hooking up with any of these guys more so than before the experiment?"

"No, I haven't."

The video changes to a scene of me standing out by the pool talking to Brett, and inside talking to a few football meatheads in passing, and then by the steps talking to Asher. Watching the video makes my heart begin thudding against my chest painfully, and I felt my heart twist in dread.

The last shot from the party is me, walking hand in hand out the door with Nathan.

My head drops into my hands and I look away, unable to watch any more. I hate the way the video makes me look, and it made Nathan look like he was just another toy in the game of the social experiment. The video continues playing in the background, and now you can hear Stephanie's voice as she explains the sociology aspect of the experiment.

"...society's reaction to a quiet, closed off girl becoming more independent than before, merely changing her wardrobe and attitude..."

I look up at my laptop and in one swift motion, slam the screen shut so the video stops playing and I can stop listening. I couldn't bear to watch another moment of the antagonizing video. It was a cruel reminder of why Nathan hated me now and why I deeply disliked myself.

As I sat there silently, my thoughts ringing in my ears, I began to consider my chances of getting Nathan to understand where I was coming from. Just thinking about him shot nervous tingles up my arms, and I realized that I had to go talk to him. I had to sort this out. I couldn't let him think that everything was fake, and it was all for the experiment.

In my determined state, I just got up and tore through my bedroom door, raced down the stairs, and barely grabbed my keys before I was out the door. I got in my car and didn't even turn on the radio as I drove, but let myself be swallowed whole by all of my nervous thoughts.

When I got to his house, I got out of the car just as quickly as I had thrown myself in, and sped walked to his front door. It was only then that I took a minute to stop and think about what I was doing.

I was standing at Nathan's front door in nothing but my pajama shorts and a long sleeve shirt. I had no idea what I was going to say, or how he was going to react. There was an overwhelmingly loud voice in my head urging me to turn around and leave, but the thought of getting back in my car without resolving things made my heart tear in two.

So I knocked on the door.

It was probably the longest thirty seconds of my life, standing there. My eyes darted nervously to the door, then the doorknob, then the door again, all in fearful anticipation of the door opening. And when it finally did, and I saw Nathan standing there, my stomach dropped.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" He scowled, his eyes narrowed at me.

"I-"

"Actually, I don't care," Nathan says calmly before he snaps, "Go away and don't come back."

And then he slams the door shut.

I stand there with my eyes wide, heart thumping frantically against my chest, mouth open, unable to believe what just happened.

The worst part is, that something inside me makes me reach out and knock again.

This time when the door opens, I begin speaking immediately. "Nathan, please don't shut me out. Please let me explain."

His eyes are as icy and stone cold as his expression, which gives away absolutely nothing of what he's thinking. It hurts to see him look at me with so much stoic distaste, as if I were a pest he would rather ignore.

"What is there to explain, exactly?" Nathan asks rhetorically, his voice dripping with venom. "I understand everything perfectly. You pretended to be someone you aren't and you used me in your fucked up little game. Everything was a lie."

I shake my head, tears pooling in my eyes, frustration and hurt welling inside me.

"You don't understand, Nate, it wasn't-"

"Don't fucking call me that," Nathan spits, his eyes alight with fury. "I don't want to hear your excuses. They're probably lies, anyway." He shakes his head roughly. "Leave my fucking house and don't talk to me again."

He moves to shut the door, but I stick a foot inside, on my last string of determination.

"That's it?" I ask weakly, and then asked him, "You're going to end everything without hearing me out? Nothing between us was fake. I really like you, Nathan, and I want to be with you."

Nathan looks at me, and his gaze is void of any emotion. It scares me a little, how cold he suddenly seemed. I've seen this look on his expression many times, but it was never directed at me. Never. He just stares at me for a long moment, and I stare back, my eyes wide and imploring, scared and hurt, anticipating what he might be thinking.

"I don't want to be with you," His words cut through me, and it feels like a bucket of ice has been dropped on my head. "Now leave, before you make yourself look more pathetic."

He kicked my foot away and slammed the door shut for the second time. My heart sunk and the tears finally started rolling down my cheeks. Nathan's words stung me more than I had ever imagined, almost knocking the air out of me. I don't want to be wth you. The words rung in my head over and over, cutting me deeper every time I hear them.

Mechanically, I force myself to turn around and walk back to my car. My vision is blurry and it's a struggle to see where I'm going, but I somehow make it back in my car. I wipe away the tears and hold back my sobs on the drive back to my house, trying to handle the way my heart twist painfully every time my mind drifts to Nathan.

As I lay in bed crying the rest of the day, I wonder why it hurts so bad. Once, when my mom was sitting on the edge of my bed rubbing my back, trying to calm me down, I finally decided to ask.

"Mom," I say breathlessly, looking up at her through my tear-filled eyes. "Why does it hurt so much?"

She smiles sadly at me, her eyes taking pity on my current state. "Love hurts."

And that's why I felt like I wanted to be buried alive, or flung off the nearest cliff, or drowned in the Atlantic Ocean. Because I was in love with Nathan.

And he was the one boy who never wanted to see me again.

***

I kept my head down as I walked, aware that the black hoodie hid my face from everyone's view. When I glanced up to see how far away the classroom was, I made eye contact with several staring students, who either gaped at me or looked away frantically. I cringed inwardly, immediately regretting my decision to come to school. Well, actually, it wasn't much of a decision; despite my pathetic begging this morning, my mom wouldn't let me stay home from school.

She was as stubborn as I was, and her mind happened to be dead set on me going to school, and not missing class because of a boy, so that's how I ended up here. I looked down again and continued walking, counting down the minutes until I could finally return home. More specifically, to my dark bedroom, under my sheets, hidden away from the world, where I didn't have to give fake smiles or try to convince anyone I was alright.

I made it to class by the time the bell rang, and took my normal seat in the back of the room. I kept my hood up and didn't bother to look around, where I knew Vincent was sitting somewhere. This morning when I was walking into the school, I saw Asher in the hallway, and immediately turned around and went an alternate route. I couldn't face him, or Vincent or Tess. I was a coward.

"Class," The teacher addresses from the front of the room, but I don't look up. "I'm going to hand out some review guides for the final test. Please spent the rest of the period working on the packet."

I slumped in my chair. I would've rather listened to him drone on for the next forty five minutes than have to get stuck in my own thoughts. My fingers begin tapping against my leg nervously, and my eyes zeroed in on obscene drawings on the desk top.

"Lauren," I'm surprised to hear Vincent is the one saying my name.

I look up and see him watching me with a calculating gaze, and I slump lower in my seat, hoping the ground would swallow me whole. Would he just yell at me too, or tell me how he doesn't want to see me anymore either?

The next surprise is the way he gives me a small smile and sits down in the open chair beside me. I watch him with wide eyes, expecting him to yell at me any moment, but the moment never comes.

"Relax," Vincent mutters. "You look like I'm going to attack you."

I try to relax, but still feel tense. "Sorry."

He looks at me and sighs. "I just... I heard about what happened," I can't help but cringe when he brings it up. "But I don't believe that you've been lying about who you really are. I don't know, you just don't seem like the type, and I want to hear your side of the story."

I was definitely not expecting that. I stare at him, eyes wide, lips parted, trying to understand the gravity of his words. Something hit my desk, drawing my attention forward to see a new review packet sitting in front of me. I look back at Vincent and see he's still watching me, and I finally feel a small smile tug on my lips.

"Thank you for having faith in me," I say quietly. "I don't really want to talk about it here, though."

I look around for emphasis, and catch two girls staring at Vincent and I, trying to listen to our conversation. I felt uncomfortable with how much attention I've been receiving lately, and noticed how many people were interested in my business. Awkwardly, the girls look away, and I look back at Vincent. He's frowning at the two girls, but when he looks back at me, his frown softens.

"Give me a minute," Vincent mutters and then gets up from his seat.

He walks to the front of the room and speaks quietly with the teacher for a few minutes, and I watch with rapt interest. Easily, the teacher writes two passes for Vincent, who returns with a smug look on his face. So Nathan broke the rules, but Vincent charmed his way into bending them.

Vince returned and we both packed our things and then left for the library, where our passes were written to. Once we got into the empty hallways, I felt it was necessary to begin explaining myself to Vincent. The only problem was, I have no idea where to start.

"Well, as you know, I used to date Thomas." It was a good start, right? I decided to keep talking and see where it took me. "When we broke up, Stephanie came up with the idea to try to get back at him, and that turned into me being apart of her Sociology project. I was a social experiment; a nerd that nobody notices turning into an outspoken, confident, well dressed girl."

"An experiment where good girl starts dating the bad boy," Vincent mutters, face twisted into a scowl. "Your ex's enemy, to be exact."

I shook my head immediately. "No, that was never the plan. I asked Stephanie to keep Nathan out of the social experiment. He wasn't included in the video or essay, either. Well, except from one shot of our backs, but you can't tell who he is."

Vincent's expression softens, and he hesitates before asking, "But Nathan is Thomas' least favorite person on the planet. What's more vengeful than dating Nathan?"

"I caught Thomas cheating on me," I say suddenly, unsure how to explain what I had to say. "When I caught him, he just brushed it off, and said I was invisible anyway, and that I wasn't worth the trouble. I wanted to do the social experiment to prove to him that I wasn't invisible, and I was worth the trouble." I look up at Vincent. "It had nothing to do with Nathan. He and I became friends, but not because of the stupid experiment."

Vincent considers this, his eyes searching my face, trying to catch me out. I hold his gaze seriously, hoping that he understood my side.

"You two became friends coincidentally?" He repeats slowly.

I nod, "After Thomas and I broke up, Nate started talking to me, and we became friends, and then I started to like him, and we know how that ended." I sigh, groaning, "I always had a bad gut feeling about the social experiment. I should've known it would end badly."

This captures Vincent's attention. His brow furrows and he speaks up, "Why didn't you end it if you got a bad feeling about it?"

It was weird, talking about the social experiment with someone who hadn't known about it until three days ago. It was weird having my brain picked apart, to see where I went wrong, or just what I was thinking. This was the first time I was talking about it with anyone other than Stephanie, but it was unexpectedly easier than I thought.

I just told the truth.

"I liked the person it made me," I say, and then immediately back up: "I like that I stood up for myself, and became more confident, and that I was able to make friends like you and Tess and Asher and Nathan."

Vincent listens to my answer just as intently as he had been doing about my previous answers, and nods to himself. I have no idea what's going through his mind, but he just keeps staring at me, and after a few moments he nods again.

"I knew I was right about you," Vincent hums softly, giving me an encouraging smile.

I smile at him, a relieving feeling washing through me. If Vincent knew the truth and didn't hate me, then maybe, just maybe that when Nathan heard the truth, he would forgive me too.

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