Janis Joplin died when she was only twenty-seven.

Only twenty-seven years in this world, yet she left a huge impact; even people who weren't blessed to live in her time could still feel her.

You could feel a piece of her in every song, every lyric — a piece of her soul. That was the thing about Janis, though. You didn't listen to her music, you felt it.

A legend. Gone too soon because an accidental heroin overdose.

But what if it wasn't accidental? What if Janis realized she had what she'd dreamt of, and it wasn't worth it? What if she realized it wasn't enough?

Was there even such a thing as enough?

We spend all our lives slowly killing ourselves, trying to reach these made up goals for ourselves. For what? A short dopamine fix, only to start over and wait for the next rush?

Maybe Janis was smarter than the rest of us. Maybe she only needed twenty-seven years to figure out that all the hurt and pain wasn't worth the short happy moments, so few and far between.

I would be twenty-seven in less than ten years. Would I have my purpose figured out by then?

Would I enjoy my purpose?

Or would I realize I'm doomed to always be unsatisfied?

My goal was to not be fat anymore. I reached that one, but it didn't feel like it — it wasn't enough.

So my next goal was to be skinny. And then skinner.

The high never lasts; I always crave more.

I couldn't think of any long term goals for myself, but if I reach them when I figure them out one day, would I be satisfied?

Or would I wish I could follow Janis?

I felt like I was simply taking up space — too much space, at that.

"You know," Kallie piped up, pulling my mind from the rabbit hole it was falling deeper into by the second.

"I'm starting to understand why you like records so much; it sounds different. I probably wouldn't like this raspy voice if I heard it on the radio."

"Listening to Janis Joplin on anything but vinyl would be doing her an injustice," I responded defensively, watching her as she laid across my bed with her head hanging off, swinging it side to side.

Jackson left to go to Sam's shortly after Kallie got here, and I came to my room so she could give Elliott his check in peace.

"I didn't know handing someone an envelope could take twenty minutes," I said, fully waking from the music coma Kallie disturbed when she barged in minutes ago.

She sat up at my words, folding her legs beneath her. "Our mouths kinda slowed the process down a little."

"We just talked, B, jeez," she continued, laughing when she noticed the mix of shock and disgust on my face.

"You worded it that way on purpose!" I shoved her with my foot as I stretched out.

"I'm so glad I did too! That face will stay in my mind forever," she scrunched her face up, mocking my own before bursting into another fit of laughter.

"I didn't make that face," I laughed and pointed at her, making her stop to glare at me before cracking up again.

"I didn't know you were coming over," I said once our laughter slowed.

"I didn't know I had to tell you — you always say I can come whenever," Kallie shrugged.

"Are you sure it's not going to bother you if I talk to Elliott? You say the word, and I will end this..." she rolled her wrist with an open hand, trying to make the right word appear in her head, "nothing. There's not even anything to end yet. So even better, right?"

While I took in Kallie's hopeful face, I realized Jackson wasn't the only one who understood me without explanation.

He may have picked up on things Kallie hadn't, but she knew every other aspect about me; she knew how I was feeling just by the tone of my voice.

I never had to explain anything to her. Any explanations she pulled out of me, were for my benefit, not her own.

Except for drama — she loved to hear about drama.

Jackson refused to be ignored; he was forceful and demanding. But Kallie was subtle and soothing; it was easy to brush off her concern without even realizing.

She didn't want me to face my demons alone, even if she didn't know what they were. Yet I've only let her scratch the surface of what really goes through my mind — after she's shown me nothing but support.

I've been doing the same thing to Kallie, that Jackson had been doing to me — is still doing to me.

I'm such a shit friend.

But if I was honest with her, I was scared she would want to leave.

Would she still be willing to give up the guy she wanted to pursue for me, if she knew I was fucked in the head?

"No! It's okay, I promise," I gave her a reassuring smile. "So, are things..?"

"I don't know!" She threw her hands up, instantly catching on. "We talk — that's it. I feel like I'm being desperately obvious. Maybe I read too much into harmless flirting."

"Well, Elliott seems to be pretty private about his love life, but I will tell you this," I paused and watched her straighten her back hopefully. "He took a shower this morning."

Kallie slumped her shoulders and groaned out, "That's it?"

"Kallie," I deadpanned. "What was he doing when you got here?"

Three.

Two.

One.

"Oh!" Kallie gasped. "Well, maybe he just got dirty doing...I don't know. What did he do today?"

"His ass hasn't left that couch all day, unless it had something to do with food," I laughed, thinking about how fast he got up to pick his Thanksgiving options.

I still need to do that. How am I supposed to know what I want to eat a week from now?

I'll just pick whatever Elliott picked. At least I'll know it'll be eaten.

"Huh. Well, isn't that something?" Kallie's eyes gleamed as she bit her lip.

"He's happiest when he's full," I nodded firmly. "After Thanksgiving dinner would be a good time to make a move, just sayin'."

"You guys are still doing it the Friday after, right?" She asked with a thoughtful look on her face.

My family was relatively small, so our Thanksgiving had always been a mix of family and friends. Everyone loved Mom's cooking, and Mom loved the praise, so the more the merrier to her.

Kallie's come to every family gathering since we became friends.

"Yep, it's easier with my parents' work schedule," I confirmed. "Oh, and Mom said your mom is invited too."

She pursed her lips. "Do you not remember our mothers getting into it over who drank all the wine last year?"

"They still don't know it was us, either," I snorted and Kallie followed suit. "It was just friendly banter, like we do."

"We don't banter."

"Have you met us?" I crossed my arms.

Kallie raised a challenging eyebrow at me, before shaking her head with a small laugh.

"So, about when I got here —"

"It was nothing," I blurted out quickly. "Elliott had just gotten up — I was about to right before you walked in."

Kallie stared at me for a moment before giving me a big toothy grin.

"I was going to say, you might want to let your dad know the railing on the stairs out front is wobbly, but do tell me about this nothing," she waggled her eyebrows. "Because from where I was, it didn't look like you were getting up."

I blew out a long breath, tugging the sleeves of my hoodie over my hands and hugging my midsection.

I'm freezing. Why am I sweating?

I may have admitted to myself that there was something going on between Jackson and I, but saying it out loud?

That would make it way too real.

"Um. Well, I guess there have been some...moments, here lately," I cringed and peeked at her.

"I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!" Kallie chanted, bouncing in place, making the whole bed shake. I barely untangled my arms in time to catch myself from tumbling over.

"I knew you were bullshitting me with the whole 'he's a confusing asshole, I like simple. Blah, blah, blah," she continued, forcing her voice to go up an octave to imitate me — even though her normal voice was already much higher pitched than mine.

"I was not bullshitting, I was...coming to terms. I still am," I frowned, pulling a loose thread on my comforter until it snapped.

It was midnight blue; I was starting to hate it.

"Have you kissed?" Kallie clasped her hands together hopefully.

"God, no," I scoffed, as if I hadn't been imagining it.

"We've just started tolerating each other more, I guess. Well, maybe more than tolerating. I don't know," I threw my hands up to show my confusion. "He smiles more. And there's been a lot of eye contact. That's about it."

"Eye contact?" She gasped like it was some grand romantic gesture and scooted closer to me, grabbing my clammy hands.

"This is like some crazy, forbidden love story! I can picture it on the big screen now," she said, holding back a laugh as she waved her hand dramatically in front of us. "My Brother's Hot Mysterious Asshole Best Friend."

"Is that too long to be catchy enough for Hollywood?" She squinted her hazel eyes as she turned to me.

"Jesus Christ, Kallie! Shut up," I shoved her away from me, doubling over with laughter.

My phone vibrated next to me, so I picked it up, still chuckling.

Jesse: can you come to Sam's?

She actually wanted to hangout with me again?

Last time I was over there, I'm pretty sure all I did was giggle the whole time. I could probably count on one hand how many sentences I spoke.

I was talking about rocks in clouds, for crying out loud. How does she not think I'm crazy?

I bit my lip and glanced up at Kallie, realizing I hadn't told her about me going over there — or that I'd smoked without her. Twice.

"Do you wanna go somewhere?" I asked her, making her look up from her own phone.

"Sure, where?"

"Uh, Sam's?" I winced, and Kallie pulled her head back.

"The Halloween party house? The guy I slept with? Wait, isn't that where Jackson was going? Did he invite you?" She rambled so quickly, her questions almost overlapped each other. And her voice got higher with each question.

"No," I laughed. "This girl I met at the party did; she's pretty cool. And I kinda...hung out with her Friday — and Jackson."

I was hoping bringing up Jackson would take her mind off the fact that I didn't tell her about my new friend.

Kallie wasn't the jealous type by any means, but sometimes it felt like we were in some kind of unspoken relationship — from the outside looking in, it probably seemed like we were in a relationship.

A smile slowly grew across Kallie's face before she cleared her throat, giving me a stern look. "Fine, but if shit gets awkward, we're leaving."

"Really?" I squeaked out.

I wasn't expecting her to agree; now I was getting nervous.

Would Jackson be upset I was following him around like a lost puppy? He was in a good mood when he left, so hopefully not.

Besides, I wasn't following him — I was going over there to hangout with Jesse. He just happened to be there too.

And I wasn't exactly upset about it.

"The stars are aligning, B!" Kallie exclaimed as she stood up. "Jackson's friends want to hangout with you — duh, we're going."

I rolled my eyes, deciding not to tell her Jackson just recently learned half of the group's names.

Kallie hummed a quiet tune as she went to the full length mirror hanging on my bathroom door, adjusting her bun that had fallen loose.

She was always so positive. Maybe if she hung out around Jackson long enough, her positivity would rub off on him — like her perspective of the stars.

Maybe he'd stop seeing them as reminders of death, and start seeing them as alive and magical, like Kallie did.

"Okay. I'll let her know we're coming then," I said, texting Jesse to let her know a friend is coming with me.

Jesse: ok! Can you grab me a soda otw? Cottonmouth is a bitch and they don't have shit here except expired milk. Don't worry tho, still plenty for you guys

It took me a moment to realize she was telling me there was still plenty of weed, not expired milk.

Shit.

"I have a confession," I said hesitantly once we were at the bottom of the stairs, waiting for Kallie to look at me.

"I smoked for the first time without you. And the second time — don't hate me," I rambled out quickly, holding my breath while I waited for her reaction.

"You cheated on me?" Kallie asked in an offended tone, and I opened my mouth to respond before she started laughing.

"Me too!" She put a hand to her chest. "I smoked in some girl's car at the party. I think her name was Jessie?"

"Jesse?" I asked as I tied my shoes.

"Yeah, that's it," she pointed at me and nodded, making me laugh as I stood straight.

"Oh my God, we cheated on each other with the same girl," I snickered.

"At least we get to skip the awkward meeting the other woman stage," she shrugged as she opened the door, making me laugh harder as I followed her out.

Starting down the steps, I grabbed onto the metal railing to test how wobbly it was.

It didn't budge.

"You're such a bitch!" I snapped, and Kallie turn around to see my hand still gripping the sturdy railing.

She giggled before smirking at me.

"You just make it too easy, B."