Sitting Petty

Everything happened so fast.

I didn't realize what I was risking to lose until it was lost. It's hard not to get caught up in this mess of a lifestyle I now call my norm. You'd understand if you were in my shoes. But that's just it – despite thinking you'd know what it'd be like, you never will. I had to learn the hard way. Playing the victim and perpetrator at the same time, in the beginning, got exhausting quick, but looking back now, I'd much rather be back there than here. I never meant to be hated, or loved, so deeply, for that matter. All I wanted was to be liked, accepted, and challenged. Liked by those whom perhaps wanted to know my favorite childhood memory, the moment I knew I wanted to be a writer; the way I feel when I wear silk; or if I ever discovered who my biological parents were instead of who I wanted to sleep with. Accepted by my superiors and colleagues instead of manipulated by so they could advance in their own career. Challenged by the task put on my plate instead of the men that were thrown into my life.

I'm not proud of some of the choices I've made. I regret how I hurt people; people whom even though were strangers in the beginning felt the closest thing to a family I never had in the end.

Time passed as if it were nonexistent. The waves continued to crash. I will go on loving him – loving all of them – with every fiber my body is made of.

Never did I think this would happen. Choosing him, over the others, was one thing. Saying goodbye was another. I knew he was "the one" the moment I laid eyes on him. I fought it day and night, often disregarding my feelings in order for others to be at peace, but it surely was easier said than done.

I thought this story, my story, would end with love being the reigning champion. Sadly, I wasn't so lucky.

Diana Barnes bit the tip of her silver pen and lowered her glasses for the second time to review the resume that lied on her desk, which was accompanied by an article Camryn had written days prior.

Camryn sat confidently across from her; legs crossed; waiting.

"It's brilliant." Diana finally let out. "I'll make its publication a priority."

Smiling, she shared the silence with her a minute longer as Diana typed a brief email.

"On behalf of Muse Magazine, I'd love to welcome you aboard." Diana presented a smirk that faded within seconds.

Camryn had worked her entire life for this moment. The feeling of accomplishment that flooded her body was inexplicable. It was the best possible news she could've received on her twenty-ninth birthday.

"You won't regret this decision Ms. Barnes." She stood to shake her boss's hand before exiting.

"Please – call me Diana and I hope you're right. My assistant, Bianca, will walk you out now."

Without any hesitation, she glided towards Bianca who stood by the door.

"Oh and Ms. Louis..."

Camryn turned around.

"Your journey begins tomorrow at 7 a.m. Don't be late or it will be your job."

"Of course."

Camryn Louis is a single, rising 29-year-old writer and fashion blogger from Nashville. Residing in Manhattan the past two years, she went from nonexistent scribbler to recognized social-lite and composer after launching her blog, which featured interviews with several runway models and up-and-coming designers. Now, having landed an opportunity of a lifetime to write for one of the most credible magazine companies in the country, Camryn was prepared to do the unthinkable in order to keep her career – and her reputation – afloat. While thriving in "the city", she was befriended by Brooke Knolling – a famous model who is primarily noted for her promiscuity and high-profile relationships.

Brooke had texted her wanting to have lunch at Breadbasket.

When the two of them were together, all bets were off. They had the potential to be serious trouble. Brooke brought out the wild side Camryn didn't know she'd kept hidden for so long. So, it wasn't a surprise when some jobs required her attendance at A-list events, with Brooke being a top-of-the-list guest, she'd let loose a little after ensuring her professionalism was delivered. This notoriety is what landed her in the lap of Diana Barnes in the first place. That, and the fact that her word bore the heaviest of truths that people loved to read about, but hated to hear if it was about them.

Wondering what her first assignment would entail, she sipped Pinot while waiting for Brooke's arrival, which was usually escorted by paparazzi. Breadbasket was quieter than usual for being a celebrity hotspot.

By now, she was used to the swarms of people dying to get that front-page-photo of any famous person passing on by, just trying to live their life.

After thirty minutes or so, she finally heard commotion nearby.

"Oh-my-gawd-I'm-so-sorry!" Brooke rushed past her and unloaded in the empty seat across the table. She grabbed Camryn's hand tenderly. "You should have left."

"I know you're a busy woman. I'm just happy you could pencil me in." She replied with a grin.

Brooke's eyes were gentle today, she noticed. Usually, they were fierce and confident.

"How did it go with Diana?" She drank the ice water in front of her until the waiter came back round.

"It couldn't have gone better." Camryn modestly sipped more of her wine. "I got the job." She tried to conceal her excitement for she knew Brooke had news of her own to share hence the lunch date. Camryn wasn't one to steal another's thunder, although most times than not, hers was louder.

"Awe, yay! Congratulations! I knew you had it in the bag." Brooke went over and gave her a hug before smooching the side of her cheek – the way the French do. "You deserve this. You know that, right? I know how hard you worked to get here and I'm so proud of you." She clapped conspicuously after returning to her seat, hoping to draw upon lookers.

The kind words were appreciated, but Camryn knew deep down that Brooke didn't have the slightest fucking clue how hard she had to work to get to where she was.

"Thank you. Now stop before you make me blush." Camryn ran her perfectly manicured nails through her deep auburn hair hinting at a subject change despite it being her birthday, which made it okay to revel in every bit of attention given to her. "Okay, it's your turn. What do I owe the pleasure of a having a luncheon with Brooke Knolling today?"

"I've been literally dying to tell you!"

The rich who were beginning to fill the restaurant looked their way at the sound of Brooke's high-pitched, enthusiastic, let-us-not-forget-superficial tone of voice.

"While I was in L.A. last week my agent suggested I meet with Freddie Gene who had expressed an interest in casting me for a reality show that's set to film, like, tomorrow." Brooke still had stars in her eyes. By now, Camryn was used to hearing about her fame-filled endeavors and thought this was no different than any in the past since knowing her.

"I'm not sure what they'll call the show, but anyways, I was basically forced to audition. I'm pretty sure they're going to cast everyone I named unless there are contract issues. I guess we'll have to wait and see." After a shoulder shrug she started on the basket of warm bread placed in front of them – ignoring her diet.

Brooke smirked mischievously to herself.

Camryn dropped her piece of Challah on the table, displeased. "Why would you do that?"

"Do what?" Playing dumb, she picked up that same piece of Challah and shoved it into her mouth as if she'd been starved for weeks.

"Get serious."

She was caught.

"Come on, Cammy, I couldn't help but mention you. We've gotten really close these past few weeks and to tell ya the truth, I can't see myself going through with it if you're not by my side. This isn't like anything I'd ever done before. And I mean...you're welcome."

"I'm a journalist. We live in two different worlds. Can't you see that? Does that not mean anything to you? I talk about topics such as the social divide between privileged and underprivileged adolescents in America, not which show is going to get ratings."

Brooke tried to show understanding, but all she could think about was how hungover she was – still – from the night before.

"I will not sacrifice my job to be on reality TV." Camryn folded her hands on the table and stared past her selfish friend. She thought about how her career would turn out to hold more meaning than Brooke's ever would.

Brooke threw back the rest of her water as if it were a double shot of vodka.

Apologetically, she glanced into her friend's eyes seeking attention and forgiveness. "Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. If you don't want to audition, don't feel obligated. I mentioned you because you've become one of my best friends and I know I can trust you." Brooke, being sincere, didn't intend to make waves.

Camryn didn't respond.

Brooke continued, "I thought it would be fun to take on Malibu together, that's all."

"On national television? I imagine producers are searching for a cast that parties until bad decisions are made and people wake up in a bed that isn't theirs. No thanks – I'll pass" said Camryn, finally.

"Okay, fine. I won't mention it again. Next time I talk to Freddie I'll tell him. No worries. I just thought maybe this show could really put you on the map. You know? Like, really give you the exposure you've been hoping for."

Floored, but coolly maintaining her composure, Camryn responded maturely, "I don't need this opportunity to put me on the map. I've been putting myself on the map for the past five years."

Brooke exhaled dramatically and changed the subject.

__________________________________

The next morning came faster than Brooke's groupies and while the sun was peaking over the horizon and the lines grew longer at every café that existed downtown, Camryn balanced her tote, leather portfolio, and iced coffee in the crowded elevator that was taking her to the sixteenth floor.

Diana was awaiting her arrival at the receptionist's desk when the elevator doors opened slowly - the way they do in the movies. She looked as if she'd been running on Adderall and was wearing white. From her dangling earrings to her heels, Camryn thought she could pass for an angel. If only the others at Muse felt the same way.

Camryn thought Diana Barnes could do no wrong. In her eyes, she was a legend; an icon. Not only in the world of journalism, but fashion as well.

"Good morning" said Camryn. She was caught-off-guard at the sight of her.

"You're late" Diana retorted straight-faced before turning on her heels. "Don't believe me?"

Camryn lowered her half-raised arm, embarrassed.

It was 6:58 a.m.

"I shouldn't have to tell you that being on-time means you're late. Do I?" It was a rhetorical question.

She kept quiet knowing Diana could see her reflection in the glass walls as they walked.

Camryn was led to Diana's office. It was still all too surreal. She was working for a company that produced magazines she'd read since she was a teen; magazines that inspired her to write in the first place. Having the chance to work there was more than a dream - it hit home.

After entering, she saw Bianca sitting in one of two chairs that were angled in front of Diana's desk. Bianca chose not to turn around to greet her. It was odd that she was already sitting. Being the assistant to someone such as Diana Barnes, one had to work long hours on their feet.

"Take a seat." Diana swiftly breezed past her.

After smoothing her white ruffled blouse, Diana looked up at the girls expressionless. An awkward silence lasted a few seconds more. "You're dismissed, Bianca. I'll be in touch."

The silenced assistant vanished.

"Do you want to know what I did last night?"

Camryn, who tried to look upbeat and unmoved by Diana's intimidating mannerisms, didn't know whether or not to give an answer.

"I lied in bed for an hour-and-a-half thinking if you were ready to be thrown into the fire."

Diana then sat and swiveled around in her chair to face the skyline. Her office offered an amazing view of the city.

With the back of her chair still facing Camryn, Diana continued. "The first assignment I'm giving you will be to go undercover, if you will, in order to get what I need; what the people want; what makes a must-read story."

Camryn's eyes searched the room, trying to find the right words written on the walls somewhere.

"What did you have in mind?"

"I just-so-happen to have connections with former colleagues of mine who now work for Freddie Gene. Do you know who he is?"

"Not personally."

Diana finally spun back around. "Freddie is producing a new reality show and I want you to join the cast. To my understanding, Ms. Knolling is already casted. You two are friends. Aren't you?"

Camryn nodded.

"I thought so." Diana half-smirked as if she wanted to let Camryn know she was up to no good, but couldn't because she was the boss. "Unfortunately, you'll have to audition according to contract agreements." She rolled her eyes dramatically. "Knowing who I am he should have made the appropriate adjustments. We just don't have enough time to go through the unnecessary bullshit. You're not trying to be the next Lauren Conrad for crying-out-loud."

She stared at her new employee who was blank.

"You're my prodigy and I know you'll deliver."

Diana reached into the drawer of her desk, pulled out a cigarette, and lit up.

Glancing down at her navy-blue nails, Camryn nervously asked, "What are you expecting to get out of me being on this show? How is this considered professional journalism?"

Diana elaborated. "You'll be submitting a final piece on how the 'other half' lives. We'll discuss details this afternoon at the meeting." After three puffs, she put her cigarette out underneath her desk and tossed it into the trashcan once the red cherry turned black. Pulling out a second phone from her tote, she began texting viciously.

Camryn wasn't sure if she was dismissed or not. The interaction was becoming awkward.

"You can go now," uttered Diana rudely after reading her mind. Camryn was headed for the door when she abruptly retorted in objection, "Diana..."

Diana's cold eyes glared up at her.

"Of all assignments, why this one? Why me?"

"Because I believe in your talent. I believe in the voice you've tried to get heard for so many years. I mean, not only will you compose somewhat of a sequel to your article, but you'll be a part of great television. Can you imagine?" There were now sparkles in her eyes as she used her hands to draw out possible headlines. "Writer Befriends Socialite for Article. Hollywood Star Forced to Dine with Opinionated New York Writer."

Diana reluctantly made her way back to reality. "You'll be a walking advertisement for Muse – not that we really need it, but it would give the magazine more publicity. You can never have too much – rule number one if you want to go far in this career. When a person becomes the center of attention, they instantly become a flame moths are drawn to and can't get enough of. Why wouldn't you want to grow your audience? The more admirers you have, the better. You'll advance quickly here if you have thousands of fans buying Muse Magazine because they want to read what you wrote because they saw you on TV."

"This article...what exactly do you want it to be in the end?" Camryn looked away from her while she spoke, a bit intimidated.

Diana's tone changed. "An intimate look inside the lives of the famous and the fortunate. I want you to unmask the true fibers of every single person who is casted. Is that understood?"

"My apologies for inconveniencing you, but I'm not sure that will be possible."

"Excuse me?"

Camryn no longer cared if she was telling Diana Barnes no.

"If I allow myself to be filmed for all of America to see, I'll lose what it means to have privacy. My life will change in ways that I don't want it to and with a heavy heart, I'm afraid I'm going to have to turn down this assignment. I see the way people harshly judge these celebrities that they don't personally know and I can't allow myself to be put on a platter for critics to cut into. I like my life. I like my routine that doesn't involve cameras following my every step. So, thank you, but no thank you. I'll take on any other assignment except this one."

"I see. Well, this is new - not only have I never had a new-hire tell me no, but I've also never been so entertained by hypocrisy before either." Diana folded her arms across her chest. "If I recall, which I surely do, that article that will be hitting the stands on every corner in the city and elsewhere covers your biased judgements on young, rich, and spoiled children whose parents have been America's beloved celebrities for the past three decades. Did you know any of them personally before dragging their names through the mud?"

Camryn stood there, stiff.

"May I remind you that I gave you this job and I can rip it away just as fast." Diana stood from her chair and ignored Camryn's stone presence.

"I won't expose Brooke."

Diana was just about tired of hearing a newbie telling her what she will and will not do, especially on the first day.

"And what makes you think she'll stay a faithful companion? It's a cruel world and this industry isn't any better." Diana replied nastily. "I'll find someone else who's willing to go the distance if you aren't and by the looks of it, you aren't. Thank you for your time."

Camryn couldn't believe what she was hearing.

Diana was a smug bitch, not a legend.

"Let me get this straight – you're telling me if I turn down the assignment, you'll fire me?" She asked with a mouth that partially gaped.

"Undercover writer, or unemployed blogger. You decide."