white ferrari - frank ocean 
When I first found out I was pregnant, my first thought was that I couldn't have a baby – I was just a kid myself. But once I finally grasped the idea that this was happening, whether I liked it or not, my fear of giving birth kicked in.

One night while I was researching what to expect, I accidentally watched multiple women share their birth horror stories, and let me tell you, that scarred me. What if I ripped my coochie from front to back? What if I shit myself? What if something happened to me or my baby?

To put it plain and simple, I was petrified.

"Keep taking deep breaths, Hope." My mom rubbed my knee from beside me. We were all sitting in the car on the way to the hospital, and I was having major déjà vu to the night of Connor's accident. My dad was in the front seat, pedal to the medal, racing down the street, and if I wasn't in as much pain, I would be worried that we might crash.

"Momma..." I whimpered. My body hurt from my head to my freshly painted toes, and I just wanted it to stop.

"I know baby, I know." My mom rubbed her hands over my hair, smoothing out the frazzled pieces that were sticking straight up. It was a movement that she used to do when I was a kid – usually after I skinned my knee or had a meltdown – but it always calmed me down.  "We're almost there, and I promise you, you're gonna be okay."

I knew that my mom was trying her hardest to make me feel better, but her words went in one ear and out the other.

My due date wasn't for another six weeks which meant that if I gave birth today, my baby would be preterm. I was hoping that since everything was fine at my last appointment, the doctor would tell me that this was just Braxton Hicks and I could go home, but after each passing minute, my hope was diminishing.

When we got to the hospital, the waiting room staff took one look at me and rushed me into a room, immediately paging the on-call OBGYN.

Definitely not Braxton Hicks.

The next hour was a frenzy of nurses coming in and out of my room, helping me get changed, hooking up to machines, and anxiously checking my vitals. Not to mention the doctor who I have been seeing my entire pregnancy is currently on vacation in the fucking Bahamas, so I got assigned to a new doctor who looked fresh out of medical school. It was hard to ignore the way his hand trembled as he shook my hand or the sweat that seemed to glisten his forehead as he listened to my case.

"Can someone call Connor?" I threw my head back onto the pillow behind me as another contraction ripped through my body. He was supposed to be here. He was supposed to be the one to hold me and tell me I was doing a good job and that I was still the most beautiful girl he has ever seen. My voice cracked as I realized that he was over an hour away and might not make it in time for the birth of the baby. "Please."

"I called him when you got put in a room." My dad spoke up from the chair in the corner of the room. "It was pure luck that he was in between sessions with the coaches. He's on his way."

"What about Troyvens Creek though? He can't leave, can he? Will the coaches-"

"It's okay, Hope. They understand." My dad cut me off.

It felt like the world had been lifted off my shoulders after my dad said that. Connor was on his way. He was coming. Everything was going to be okay.

A few minutes later, after another contraction and pain that left me on the verge of hysteria, the doctor walked into the room. The pale pink scrubs he wore stood out against his black hair and flushed skin, and I could make out the thin gold chain that hid underneath the collar of his top.

"Hope," Dr. Raleigh started as he looked at the clipboard attached to the end of my hospital bed. He let out a long sigh and stared at me for a second before speaking. "It says here you want a vaginal birth – which is by far the most traditional and common – but I'm really not liking the way your labor is progressing. Your blood pressure is abnormally rising and you are not dilating although your contractions are growing closer and closer together."

"W-what does that mean though? I don't understand." I stuttered out my questions as my mom took ahold of my hand. She has been by my side since I found out I was pregnant, even though she was just as scared as I was.

"We can wait a little while longer, but I think you should start considering a Cesarean delivery." Dr. Raleigh's voice was calm, and he spoke slowly, trying to let me process the news. "If your labor continues to stall it could put you or your baby in distress, and considering your age and the fact that the baby is going to be preterm, I think it would be beneficial. Of course, this is your decision and I know this is difficult to hear, but I think you should be aware of your options."

I barely acknowledged him as he left the room, leaving my parents and me in a deafening silence.

I didn't know what to do. I thought I was going to come to the hospital in six weeks and go through hours of agonizing pain and possibly completely rip open my vagina. But now, I'm being told that I might need major surgery to keep both me and my baby, safe. Just imagining the doctors slicing me open and rearranging my guts to fish a baby out of me had me searching for a trashcan to throw up the remnants of my lunch.

"Mom I want to go home." The tears that I had been holding back since we got to the hospital finally began to drip down my reddened cheeks. "I can't do this. I want to go home."

I was acting like an absolute toddler right now, but I couldn't help it. This was all so new and scary, and here I was about to become a mother, crying to my own mom.

"Hope..." My mom wiped my eyes and tilted my face up to look at her. "You are so strong. I know this is hard and its okay to be scared, but you can do this. You've gotta push through the pain and tears, okay? By the end of this, you're going to have a beautiful baby to hold onto for the rest of your life."

I just sobbed harder at my mom's words. There was an overwhelming number of emotions rushing through my body, and I almost felt like I wasn't actually there. It was like I was watching from the outside as all of this happened.

Suddenly the door to my room burst open and the boy I've been waiting for rushed in. Connor's face was contorted with fear, and his vivid blue eyes were full of panic. He was dressed in a Troyvens Creek football t-shirt and a pair of workout shorts, his blond hair disheveled and all over the place.

"Hope?" His voice was laced with apprehension. "What's going on?"

My parents decided then that they were going to grab some coffee and snacks from the vending machine, which was just a lie so they could leave the two of us alone.

As Connor came to stand at the same spot my mom had just vacated, I began to cry again. They were tears of fear and concern, but also happiness. I was so thankful that Connor had made it in time and was here gripping my hand with his own.

"The baby's coming." I whispered. "Today."

"Today? But it's not due for another six weeks? Is it okay? Are you okay?"

I nodded and closed my eyes as my back began to tense up again. "We're both okay for right now. The doctor thinks I should have a c-section though."

Connor was silent as his eyes raked over my face. "What do you think?"

That was the first time anyone had asked me how I felt about the situation, and it caused a new wave of uncertainty and nervousness to shower over me.

"I don't know."

I felt so stupid for not researching c-sections or emergency deliveries. I felt like I was unprepared and inadequate like I was failing as a mom even before my baby arrived.

"Okay." Connor nodded. "Well, lets talk to the doctor. We're gonna figure it out."