chapter 36- safe

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nobody knows - the lumineers

When we were younger, Toby and I used to run around the house and hide Raeanna's barbie dolls. It was a dumb game that we had made up, but it would entertain us for hours. Not to mention it absolutely pissed Raeanna off.

But once she had turned over couch cushions and destroyed the house looking for her dolls, Raeanna would give up. She would walk up to us and have this look of desperation and hopelessness as if she thought we would never tell her where we hid her toys.

That expression of desperation and hopelessness was not one I had seen in years. Well, not until today.

As Connor stood in front of me, I could see the desperation in his ocean blue eyes. They were communicative and open, yet at the same time, they were cloudy. It was like they were trying to say too much at one time.

"We need to talk." His hand grasped my lower forearm, bringing me closer to his chest. "Please, Hope."

"Connor, I need to go to class." I shook my head.

I knew that if I sat here and let him apologize when he did nothing wrong, I would crumble. I would let him kiss me and break down all of the barriers I had spent the past week building.

"Hope," his voice cracked. "Please just fucking come with me."

Students around us were rushing to try and get to their class before the bell rang. The hallways were crowded, but it felt like I was in a bubble. Just me and Connor in our own world.

Focusing back on the boy standing in front of me, my heart shattered a little bit.

The anxiousness radiating off of him was nauseating. The way his chest rose and fell at an increased speed, and his heart thumped wildly under the thin t-shirt he wore.

He was pleading with me. And similar to how I always cracked and told Raeanna where her stupid dolls were, I cracked under Connor's gaze.

"Okay." I nodded.

Quickly, Connor slipped his calloused hand into mine and started pulling me to the stairwell. I had no clue where he was taking me, but I wasn't going to stop him.

We walked out of the back doors near the gym, unnoticed, and kept going until we made it to the football field.

It was deserted, and aside from the spray of the sprinklers, it was silent.

"What did I do Hope?"

"What?"

"Did I read this wrong? Is it too much?" Connor was pacing up and down bleachers, the metal creaking underneath him.

"Connor..." I whispered. I didn't know what to say. He hadn't done anything wrong. That was the issue.

I was pushing him away for no good reason, other than being selfish.

"No H. I need to know how to fix this... please." His voice cracked as he stopped pacing and stood in front of my seated position.

"Connor, you didn't.... I... we can't be together." My chest tightened as I spoke those eight words. If I hadn't already been sitting, I thought I might have collapsed to the floor.

Connor clenched his jaw and looked out to the bright green grass in front of us. "Why not?"

At that moment, everything came rushing back.

All the sleepovers where Connor ended up stealing all of the blankets and I was left with nothing. The nights we slow danced in the kitchen to random music as I cooked us dinner. The hours we spent watching the horses in the pasture, talking about running away from our small town.

Connor was my best friend. A hero of sorts that had flown in and saved me when I least expected it. But that's all he could ever be. We would never have the chance to be anything more than friends.

As I looked at his tensed figure, I could see his strong shoulder muscles that looked as if they were going to rip out of his thin shirt. And I knew that underneath his washed jeans, his hamstrings were gigantic from years he had spent in the gym.

It all reminded me of his dream to play collegiate football. How he had longed for some sense of stability after his mom died, and football gave him that. Having the opportunity to play football at Troyvens Creek would set him up for infinite success and maybe even a chance to play professionally.

A dream that would be ruined if he started dating me.

"You're going to be at Troyvens Creek, and with practice and games, you'll always be busy, and I'll be raising a baby. I've also started thinking that I'm going to stay home... I'm not going to go to college. At least not for a while."

"Hope, it's an hour and a half away! I'll drive home whenever you want me to. I don't care if it's four p.m. or four a.m. You know that if you call me, I'll come home. No matter what."

The knife in my heart twisted and plunged deeper as Connor walked up to me and placed his hands on either side of my face, staring into my eyes.

I had to turn away and blink the tears threatening to spill down my cheeks away.

I wanted him so bad, but I couldn't have him. I wouldn't be selfish and keep him from living the life he had always dreamt of.

"I'm pregnant, Connor."

"I know." He nodded his head in affirmation, and we both looked down at my enlarged stomach.

"It's not your baby."

Connor paused for a minute before nodding again. "I know."

"I'm not letting you raise it."

"Hope..."

"No, Connor." I shook my head and stood up. "I'm not letting you do it. I won't."

"Where are you going?" Connor shouted as I began walking down the bleacher stairs. "Hope!"

Sighing, I stopped and turned around. Connor was still standing in the spot I had left him in on the bleachers. He wasn't chasing after me. "I'll see you around, C."

With those words, I hurried up the hill, taking me in the direction of the parking lot. I had no clue how long our talk had lasted, but I sure as hell knew I wasn't going to make it through fourth block without crying.

And I was right.

As soon as I opened the door of my car, and sat down the dam opened, and tears cascaded down my face.

It was my own fucking fault, so I didn't know why I was crying as hard as I was. I could have easily told Connor to forget about everything and let him kiss my worries away. But no.

Now, the boy I had loved almost my entire life was standing alone on the football field.

My heart ached and urged me to get out of my car and sprint as fast as my pregnant ass could back to Connor. Into his arms, where everything felt safe, and I didn't think the world would fall in on me at any moment.

But the logical side of me knew that I couldn't go back. I did this for him. I was putting all of my mushy-gushy feelings aside and letting Connor have the life he deserved.

And as much as it hurt, driving away knowing I had left a piece of my heart on that field, I would do it all over again, just to make sure he was safe.

Safe from me and all of the drama I came with.

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hi babes! how do we feel about the drama? is hope being too dramatic? do you understand where she is coming from? let me know!

p.s. this song always makes me cry lol.

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