us - james bay

When I was a kid, I used to idolize my parent's marriage. To a twelve-year-old, they looked like the epitome of love. But as I got older, and I began to overhear their arguments and the snide remarks they would shoot each other, I realized that I didn't want to end up like them. I didn't want to put on a façade in front of my children and act like I was the happiest I had ever been.

From there on out, I built this picture-perfect fantasy life in my head. I wanted to go to my dream college with Connor (that later turned into Jack). I wanted to land a great job and then get married. Then maybe, my spouse and I would try to start a family. We would live in a beautiful home with a couple of dogs and be the family that everyone envied.

This plan that I had stuck to so far was no good at this point. I had absolutely derailed my life. 

Connor's stare was fierce as he looked down at me. I could see the toll that the conversation in Coach G's room had taken on him as he bit down on his lip and furrowed his brows. I knew that he must have been feeling guilty for reporting Jack's posts, even though I was not mad at him.

"Why are you apologizing, Connor?" My voice was soft and quiet. I was so fucking tired of going around in circles with him. I just wanted an answer. I wanted one thing in my life to have a clear answer.

"For everything H."

"So much has happened, I don't even know what you're talking about." I sighed and began to walk towards my car. The sun was starting to fade in the sky, and the empty parking lot was another reminder of how late it was getting.

"For what I said to you the other night. For what Jack did to you. I'm sorry about all of it, Hope."

"It's fine."

"No, it's not. It's okay to not be okay." Connor's voice was getting softer as he trailed behind me. "Can you please just listen to me?"

His hand reached out and grabbed my wrist, spinning me around.

"I am listening to you C. I just don't know what you want me to say."

"If you don't want to talk about what happened, then say so. Don't just walk away and lie and say it's fine."

I don't think he meant for his tone to be as sharp as it was, but my mouth fell slightly open as Connor spoke. "I did want to talk about it! I asked you about the kiss on Friday, and you told me you loved me, but you liked Aspen. Do you not remember any of this?"

"Hope, I love you. It has always been you." He went to put his hand on my cheek, but I turned my head. Connor dropped his hand back to his side.

"I want to believe you, I do."

"Hope... how long is this going to go on for?"

"You have a girlfriend, Connor. I've never seen you as happy as you are when you are with Aspen. Why would you throw all of that away?"

"Because I want to be with you. Aspen makes me happy, yeah, but she isn't you." Connor stepped closer and wrapped his arms around my lower back. We were standing chest to chest, and I swear I could see the way his heart thumped underneath his t-shirt. "Hope for as long as I can remember, you have been my best friend. All those nights we spent sharing a bed during sleepovers and never really sleeping because we laughed all night. I want to be that person for you again. I want to make you laugh and smile and be there to hold you when you cry. It breaks my heart to see what Jack did to you. I just want to make you happy. I just want to love you."

The ache in my chest seemed to slowly melt as Connor spoke. He had always had a way with words, and it got us out of a lot of trouble when we were younger. But now, he was using his words to profess his feelings for me.

The way he talked about our childhood like it was the highlight of his life made me smile. Connor was my first kiss, my math tutor, my bodyguard, my best friend. He and Layla knew me better than I knew myself. He was everything that I wanted in a relationship.

"Hope?" Connor's voice was barely a whisper – or maybe I just wasn't paying attention, I'm not really sure.

He unwrapped his arms from around my back and gathered my hands in his. His calloused fingers ran over my knuckles and palms before bringing them up to his lips and pressing gentle kisses along them.

Connor's hand caressed the side of my face tenderly, his thumb casually brushing over my lips. I could see him glance down at my lips quickly before refocusing on my face. Was he about to kiss me?

The answer to my question came faster than I thought, as Connor slowly bent down, bringing his lips to mine. It was soft and slow, but it ignited a fire inside my body. Connor's palm stayed pressed against my cheek, and my hands cautiously gripped the front of his t-shirt. I could feel the warmth pouring off of his skin and the erratic beat of his heart.

As Connor pulled away, he rested his forehead on mine and closed his eyes, letting out a sigh. At this moment, everything seemed to be okay. Even though in the back of my mind, this kiss would only make things between Connor and me more complicated, it seemed to calm the storm raging inside of me.  It made my mind stop racing and made me feel like my life was in order.

"God, Hope..." Connor groaned.

"What?"

"You're beautiful, you know that?" He tucked a stray piece of my hair behind my ear and kissed my forehead.

"Oh, shut up." I shoved his chest and watched as he stumbled backward, the corners of his mouth turning up into a smile.