Fear is greater than love. I am shy to love again,
You dare play my heart like the strings on a violin,
Gently plucking, each one till there is nothing to play again...
A gentle sound may come from a slow strum,
An unpleasant noise can derive from a careless pluck.
You plucked me gently. Till my heart did fail,

Fear is greater than love, I am scared to love again

~

She sat quietly at the dinner table as everyone had their own light conversations. It was her birthday and her family had been invited to have a party to take her mind off all the unfortunate things happening in her life, but instead they had made it worse. She knew that everyone's views on her were a bit wayward as she always an off kid to them. They all feared for her as they knew about her father's view on his medication, and them having such a close relationship had an impact on her character.

"You know your mother would've loved for you to come and live with me sugar..." momma nodded as she side glanced her father as he quickly chugged down some beer in the corner of the room. "I could teach you a thing or two.. you know, before it's too late."

She narrowed her eyes at her knowing this was just her grandmother throwing shade at her father again, she knew everyone on that table would've loved for her to be raised by momma, but she loved her father. She didn't want to be a prissy house girl with table manners and a good reputation at church. She wanted to watch horror movies with her father on Fridays....

"I like living with pops momma... he's teached me alot of things." she said as she flashed a counterfeit smile.

"Whatever Chile, when your head becomes mashed up like your muma you'll learn..." she muttered under her breath as the table became quiet,

"Robyn baby... you know momma didn't mean that" Aunt Teyana said coming over to embrace her, but she slaps her away before clambering onto the table and kicking all the presents off the edge.. everyone starts to worry, making their way to the door as Robyn's eyes flared in anger,

"Fuck everyone here! I hate having birthdays... I hate having a family." she screamed at everyone as they made their way out the door. She felt someone heave her down from the table and cradle her in their arms like a little child,

"It's ok sugar... Fuck family, we only need each other..."

~

She woke up with blank thoughts. It seemed the ceiling was the only thing taking her full attention... Surely, it is not possible for one's mind to be completely barren. The air was unpleasant without a smell, she felt sick to her stomach just lying there, unmoving. What she was thinking about, was the dream she had just woken up from.. It reminded her about how much she missed her father, she only needed her father. She wanted to see her father again.

She sighed deeply, getting up to proceed with her daily morning routine... Life was such a drag to her now... everything was a routine. From the moment you'd wake up to the time you'd retire to your bed. Daily, we are altering our routine to better ourselves and keep ourselves from going dull to our brains . Everyday is not a new day; everyday is an altered version of the previous day and people only say that to make life seem interesting. Routines are boring and life is a routine.

She made her way back to the bedroom, moisturizing herself with coconut oil and brushing roughly at the curly little mane on her head that needed so desperately to be cut. She opened her draw and picked out a giant sweatshirt she hadn't worn in a long time... It was her father's. He had stolen it from shop down the road from their old house for himself in the 90s but when he died, she decided to keep it instead of disposing it along with other things... She put it on with a pair of sweatpants before lying back down on the bed while reaching into her bedside draw for her poetry book. It was exactly what she needed... Just as she picked up a pen to write, she hears a knock from downstairs so she made her way to open the door. She froze when she saw Parker standing nervously on her doorstep, she didn't know what to expect from him...

"Hey... I wanted to apologize for yesterday. And for not visiting you or my child, I hope we aren't on bad terms or anything." He chuckled slightly while scratching the back of his neck. She nodded accepting his apology while waiting at the door as if he was going to say something else; she wasn't going to make herself seem hurt in anyway or desperate by letting him in just like that. He chuckled again licking his lips quickly as he looked around,

"So I was hoping you'd let me see my son, you know. Properly." He said while he forced a smile. His son. It felt so warm to hear that come from him. But she knew that it wasn't a big deal for him at all.. The old Parker would use Mason as a meal ticket, or an excuse. She stepped aside without a word, relieving them both from the awkwardness on the porch. Leading him upstairs, she could feel Parker behind her observing the home she had for herself, probably in awe at the expense of it all. Once they made it to the room she picked up Mason in her arms and kissed him gently on his eyebrow causing him to wake up... She walked back over to the bed where Parker had made himself comfy by sitting on the edge and placed him in his arms.

She crawled back into bed not even bothering to watch Parker bond with his son as she was more engaged in her poetry. After a while, she decided to speak,

"Who was that girl I found in your house yesterday?" She asked him but without interest, whether they were close or not. She was there and Robyn didn't fancy that.

"Oh that's Winifer my girlfriend, we've been dating for 6 months." He nodded without a thought. She winced knowing damn well her and Parker were still sort of a thing like 6 months ago. She had given birth to Mason 6 months ago, how could he even have the audacity to say that in her presence? She looked back down to her book not wanting to further this topic, but she guessed that she had probably signaled for a conversation becuase Parker decided to start talking...

"So why you give ol' boy the name Ala?" He turned to her while placing Mason on the bed. Ala was Mason's middle name, Mason was the name Parker had chosen when they were serious in highschool;they were only playing, but she wanted to respect his role as the father.

"Ala means Rose in Hawaiian." she told him impassively. Parker looked at her doubtfully knowing damn well she had no ties with Hawaii. He hesitated before nodding slowly still in surprise..

"Ok... Uhm so what you writing there?" He asked motioning to her poetry book. By this time Robyn was done trying to impress. She wasn't used to Parker being the friendly one; when he was on her doorstep earlier her first thought was that her legs were gonna be spread open against the headboard again. But he was trying to attain friendship with her?

"Poetry." she mumbled while looking up to get his reaction. He sucked his lips in before nodding again, he looked unimpressed.

"Do you want me to read you one?" She asked willingly. He hesitated before shaking his head politely but she didn't let down.

"Do you love her?" She asked looking at him with bright eyes of eagerness. He looked at her funnily, he wasn't too fond of her vibe towards him. He exhaled deeply through his lips before turning back to the wall,

"Well you know I ain't really down with relationships and being tied down, but she's cool with me and she stays out of my way so I-I appreciate her..." he rushed looking to the ground. She nodded taking it as he did. She knew that Parker would proudly say he was only using her for lonely nights if he didn't respect her in any type of way, but he hadn't said any of that at all... She turns to the wall in front on her,

"You know I'm crazy right?" she asked to which he shuffled about in discomfort. He picked up Mason and placed him back in his cradle before kissing his forehead gently.

"Look Robyn, I know you don't want me here, so I'll be making my way..." he nodded before quietly making his way out of the door. she waited until she heard her front door lock before ramming her head into the wall behind her. She looked at Mason as tears slowly started to form on her waterline. It was like he had forgotten that they were ever in love. Or so she had thought... She quickly wiped at her tears as her distress quickly turned to anger and she picked up her phone to scroll her phone book. She waited holding her phone to her ear as she tapped at her ankle impatiently,

"Hello?" a raspy voice asked through the line asked,

"You still up to vandalism?" she asked as a slight smirk grew on her face,

"Everyday..."

~

"So you gon show me what's to it?" she grinned at him while putting on her seat belt. He bit onto his tongue while nodding his head in a dubious manner; he didn't seem too sure about this sudden interest Robyn was taking into his specialty. It'd been a while since he had even had a person to pick on, yet to go out randomly to cause havoc.

"I mean I'll teach you what I know.. but to who?" He asked turning to face her as he scratched at the stubble under his cheekbones. He looked tired, he did. But Robyn didn't seem to notice at all... all she cared about was letting her anger out on Parker in whatever way possible, at this moment, how Chris looked was as unimportant as how she looked. Which didn't matter.

"Parker, Mason's father." she said quietly as her head slowly dropped to her lap. Chris's face went blank as he looked at her as if she was joking. He was way too tired for any of this. He didn't want to side with Robyn by helping her revenge her ex, especially when him and Parker used to be cool. Deep down, anything to do with Robyn and her relationships with other men, Chris wasn't down be a part of...

"Why?" He asked plainly. She shot him a look of annoyance as a faze of wavering anger appeared on her face. She was confused as to why she was feeling like this. It was as if she wanted Chris to understand, she didn't have anybody else to go to to talk about relationship problems with. She wanted Chris to agree with her and hype her up in whatever decision she made towards Parker. But he was being your stereotypical guy and being an asshole towards it all...

"Because I was in love with him! While I was carrying Mason in my belly for 9 months thinking me and Parker were in the middle of something I figure out he's been falling in love with someone else! Love don't do me like this Christopher, I thought love meant nothing to me but really it's fucking me up!" she practically screamed at him as he stared out the window shield as if her moaning was pointless. He looked to sky metaphorically before scratching the little hairs on his chin in debility. Exhaling deeply, he turned to Robyn and shrugged,

"Don't be afraid to lose what wasn't meant to be, Robyn." he told her shaking his head as if there was nothing he could do. She briskly snapped her neck round to look at him as if he was calling her delusional, Chris shakes his hand quickly to reassure her he didn't mean to be rude,

"I'm just saying there are plenty men out there that are willing to take his place..." he said almost before he could bring himself to think about what would've been better to say... There was a silence.

"Are you talking about yourself Christopher?" She asked slowly, looking at him intently for an answer. He licked his lips quickly shaking his head,

"N-nah... nah. Other men of course, I'm your amigo Robs."he blurted laughing lightly as she looks back down to her lap. She lifted her gaze to look back at the house while unbuckling her seat belt.

"Thanks for the advise." she muttered while opening the door and stepping out making sure to slam the door after her. She walked back to her house and unlocked her door, stepping in without looking back.

She stepped into her room, dumping herself onto a chair and slumping her head onto her dresser. She wanted to cry, but no tears were forming. So she lay there in emotional pain...

~

SILK - 4