29; doubt

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YOU LOOK LIKE YOU
WANT TO KISS ME

"You know, Soda, you ain't much of a good influence."

He snickered under his breath, holding a cigarette to his closed lips, smoking flowing out his nose. When Soda laughed he had a certain genuineness to him that I adored – crinkles by his sharp eyes and lines that curled around his mouth. When I thought of Soda, it was hard to see him without a smile. I always wondered how somebody could be so happy all the time.

"Yeah, skipping class and smoking it up under the bleachers. Classic," he said, a puff of smoke billowing from his lips.

Yet again we booked it out of the halls of the school before the bells for English class could ring. It was a weekly thing at that point, nearly five weeks having passed since we'd gone to Buck's party.

"The sunrise this morning was real nice. Shades of blue, pink, all that. God, it looked so nice, like cotton candy or something."

Soda was somebody I could talk to about things like that. He enjoyed the simplest things in life, I couldn't understand why we weren't closer sooner, given how long he had been friends with my brother.

"Ponyboy likes those sorts of things, you know. I think he'd appreciate it if he knew he had more people to talk to about it with. Sometimes I wake up to find him sitting near the window, his feet kicked up against the sill as he watches the sunrise. It's real nice to see."

"Yeah, Ponyboy's a real genuine guy," I said with sincerity, "you're real lucky to have him as a brother."

Soda nodded. "I know I am. I've always been grateful for my brothers. Man, I'm grateful for the whole gang. I don't know where I would be without them."

I snatched Soda's cigarette and pressed it between my lips. I took a deep inhale and blew out through my nose. "God, me too," I said, averting my eyes to the ground, "I hate to say it, but I miss Dallas. A whole lot."

"We all do. We're just used to it at this point. You haven't been around as much, half the time we've known Dally he's been in prison, ever since he was a kid. He's just too reckless, y'know."

"When I went to see him when he first got locked up, he wouldn't tell me what he did – who he beat up nearly to death. I had to have Steve figure it out. Turns out, he was just defending Hanson. I felt like such an ass hole for leaving angrily."

"Listen Holls." Soda flicked his weed against the gravel, digging his heel into the bud. "You have to understand that Dally doesn't care about much. Hell, he even cares too little about himself. The only person I've ever seen him love is Johnny. He would do anything for that boy. Probably jump in front of a train. The way he acts around you, the way he looks at you... I've never seen him like that. Not even with Johnny. With Johnny, it's different."

I hesitated for a moment, taking in what he said. "You think so?"

"I've known Dally my whole life. Believe me, I know." I sighed and allowed him to keep going. "If you really like Dally, you'll have to understand that he's going to try to push you away. That's how he is, he's scared to care too much."

"I don't know." I narrowed my brows and looked off into the field where kids were doing laps. I fiddled with my thumbs, looking back toward Sodapop. "It all seems so complicated."

He took a moment before answering. "That's cause it is."

Dallas was due to be out in a couple of weeks, and I was almost shaking at the fact that I would have to explain to him why I never visited, why I had never even sent him a letter. I wasn't quite sure myself. Picturing Dallas beat James to a pulp churned my stomach, I hated the thought of Dallas being violent for any reason. Even if it was in defense of somebody we had loved. I was still mad, deep down, but knew I needed to move past it. He was incredibly important to me, and I couldn't let our relationship slip with one little issue.

I realized how much I liked Dallas when his face flickered through my mind every night before I slipped the sheet over my head and shut my eyes. His feathery hair and mean eyes. Except, they weren't so hostile when they were locked to mine. They were soft and caring, the kind of way he looked at me right before he would lean in for a kiss. His lips were so red, so delicate that I felt if I pressed too hard he would break. He was so gentle to touch for somebody so aggressive in nature.

It wasn't just his face that sent me into a fit of butterflies. The thought of him in a cell, behind bars and confined to the austere conditions and dull, depressing walls of a prison room. I couldn't get the thought out of my mind. Dallas Winston, locked up. He wasn't built to be stripped of his freedom. It wasn't where he was meant to be. The thought made me sick. Thinking of him laying in that cot, the only thing to keep him company being the noises that echoed through the corridors. That was when I realized how much I cared. That was when I realized how easily he could break my heart.

I glanced at Soda, giving him a strange look. I wanted to express how worried I was, and how scared I was for how deep I was falling for Dallas. I refrained from it.

"Do you love Sandy?"

The look in his eyes flickered from a stagnant, dull stare, into something fervent. "More than anything."

I stopped for a moment. "Aren't you worried of getting hurt?"

He shook his head. "I'm not worried. Sandy would never do anything to hurt me."

I mumbled in agreement, although I wasn't sure it was fully true. I figured that the more you love someone, and the more they love you back, the easier it is for your heart to break into pieces. I wasn't going to question him on it. He knew best about his own relationship.

Somehow Soda convinced me to skip the rest of that day. I usually wasn't willing to sacrifice a whole day of school, but I wasn't in the mood to sit at a desk for hours on end. We ended up all over town, strolling wherever our feet would take us. We ended up at the movies first, seeing some old western film, then lingered at the park for a bit. We talked about our plans for the future, what we wanted to do, our passions. He told me he loved Sandy, wanted to marry her. I felt a flicker of jealousy, just because it seemed like he had it all together. I was proud of him.

"You think Steve's gonna yell at me today?" I asked, biting on my nail with concern.

He crinkled his nose. "He hasn't been doing it as much anymore. I think he understands that you're old enough to make your own decisions at this point."

I nodded in agreement. "Yeah, you're right. He's been real good to me lately."

Soda took a long around him, then wrapped his arms across his chest. "I'm getting cold, let's get back to the house."

I didn't bother arguing, a cool gust of wind swirling around my bare arms. I shivered, goosebumps rising on my forearms. I jumped from the structure we were lounging on and started in the direction of the Curtis house. Soda was quick on my heel, rushing me by stepping on the backs of my sneakers every few seconds. The fourth time, I swiveled around and shoved him, a light snicker coming from his lips.

"Cut it, man."

He rolled his eyes and joined me by my side, wrapping an arm around my waist. "Y'know I'm really glad you're my friend, Holls. Hell, don't tell Steve or anything," he started to whisper under his breath as if Steve was hiding around the corner with an open ear, "but you're a hell of a lot better at giving advice."

I cracked a grin and shook my head. "Well, Steve doesn't make the best decisions, let's be honest."

Soda shrugged. "That's true." The smile dropped from his face and a more serious look spread across it. "You just make me feel nice, that's all."

I curled my lips upward and gave him a proud smile. "I'm glad I do. You make me feel a lot better, too."

He tightened his grip around my waist as we neared his house, the run-down building appearing from around the corner. The first thing I noticed was the gate swung wide open, and Darry bolting it down the sidewalk, quickly followed by Two-Bit and Steve, quick on his tracks. It seemed like they were running from something, but nothing was chasing them.

"What are they doing?" I stopped in my tracks.

"C'mon, something must be wrong," Soda said, pulling aggressively on my wrist.

We sprinted side by side, although I was a bit slower, until we passed the Curtis house and made it to another main road. There was a bright red fancy car driving away quickly, the wheels creating billows of dust in the air. Soda and I rushed toward the crowd, where we peeked our head over Darry's broad shoulder and saw Ponybody curled on the ground in pain. My stomach dropped when I saw the drop of blood on his neck. My fist clenched and my heart started to beat twice the normal speed. I whispered an obscenity under my breath.

"They didn't hurt you too bad, did they?" Darry asked. He was usually harsh on the kid, so seeing him go all soft was somewhat heartwarming to see.

"They pull a blade on you?" Soda asked, his nose crinkling at the sight of the blood. He pushed his brother's hair back to comfort him.

Ponyboy muttered a short, depressing "yeah" and looked toward the ground, kicking the dirt.

"God," I muttered, under my breath. "Those damn Socs, man. I'll never understand how a bunch of boys in sweater vests can think they're so tough."

"I'll kill them, I swear," Soda exclaimed, a flicker of hostility crossing his expression. It was rare to see Soda mean.

We started walking the short path back to the Curtis house as Darry nagged at Pony for being so irresponsible and all that. It was always the same deal, Ponyboy did normal kid things, Darry got mad at him, and Soda was there to defend him. Though, he did have some reasoning. It was hard to live a normal teenage life in such a violent town. It was hard to see it happen, but that was our reality.

We stopped at the house. I was minding my own business, kicking the gravel by my feet when Soda nudged me on the leg. I looked up at him, an expression of concern in his eyes. He nodded his head toward the old beat down car in the driveway with the hood popped. My stomach dropped when I saw who was leaned against it, weed dangling from his lips and eyes locked directly to mine. Dallas had one leg propped against the other, then pushed off the car when Soda called him over. I pinched his wrist and he winced.

"When did you get out of the cooler, Dally?" He asked.

"Just now, man. Got out early for good behavior or some shit like that."

Everyone nodded before Steve opened his mouth to start nagging Pony some more. The kid seemed beat and tired, so I jumped in to defend him.

"C'mon Steve, you ain't much smarter."

"You think I don't know that?" He gave me a demeaning glance. "Look at my nose. Look at it."

"Yeah, it's huge."

He looked offended, then shot me a glare. "Some of it's genetics, you know."

I mumbled an insult under my breath and rolled my eyes. Dallas was in the corner of my eye the whole time. His gaze was locked to me, failing to flicker in another direction.

The three boys – Dally, Johnny, and Pony, all made plans to go to the drive-in theatres later. Pony shot a quick glance to me and gave me a short smile. "You wanna join, Holly?"

I hesitated, locking eyes with Dallas. He didn't seem too fond of the idea, his teeth biting at his lip and his brows narrowing. I shook my head slowly. "I gotta catch up on some work. I don't know – maybe if I get it done early I'll come along."

"Alright." Pony shrugged.

Dallas leaned against the chain-link fence with a dull expression for a moment. I admired the way he looked at that moment, his mussed hair and tired eyes. I wondered just how I would apologize to him for my lack of visitation. I knew it seemed like I didn't care, and I knew it seemed like I was distancing myself. All I wanted was to be in his arms again.

Soon, the boys parted, and I took that as my moment to follow after Dally for a moment alone together. It was what I had been waiting for for weeks. I quickened my stride to catch up to him, calling out his name.

"Dally," I yelled. He looked back but only slightly slowed his pace. "Wait up."

I made it to his side, my gaze still locked on the sidewalk. We were silent for a few moments, me not knowing what to say, and him having nothing to say to me. I parted my lips and let out an exhausted sigh.

"I said goodbye to you on a bad note."

He barely let me finish my sentence. "Don't sweat it."

He wasn't genuine. I could tell. There was still pain in his eyes, but he was good at hiding it. "Don't do that. Please. I want to apologize. I got too upset with you too quickly. I know what you did and why you did it. It ain't all that bad."

He refused to meet my eye. "I mean it. I don't care."

"Yes, you do." I stopped, grabbing the sleeve of his jacket and tugging on it. "Please, Dally. Please talk to me."

I might have been asking for too much for a man who didn't like to show much emotion. He seemed a bit agitated, his fists clenching and softening every few moments.

"You haven't talked to me the last few weeks, how come you wanna talk so badly now?" He was so calm when he spoke, though I could tell he was fuming on the inside. Dallas was like that. He was real good at hiding was he was feeling, but I was real good at seeing through the walls he put up.

"I don't know." That was my honest answer. "I think I was just scared. I was hurt the last time I saw you. Really hurt. I didn't want it to end the same way it did."

He clenched his jaw and looked off to the side. I felt the need to tell him everything, to let my mouth say whatever came to my mind, but I wasn't quite sure what that would get me into, so I refrained.

"I just..." I continued, my expression saddening. "I care too much, that's all."

"You don't have to."

"I can't control it. I really wish I could. But thinking of you alone in that cell, it made me more upset than anything before."

He seemed a bit confused. "I'm used to it. Don't worry about me, sweetheart." He touched my waist a bit, his finger trailing up and down the side of my body.

"That makes me even more upset. You shouldn't have to get used to something like that." I looked at the ground and moved my hand down to his. "Listen, Dal, all I'm saying is I'm sorry. I don't want to lose you is all. If you don't feel the same way, that-"

"Holls," his expression softened more than I had ever seen it. "Stop doubting yourself." His hand raised to my cheek. Dallas wasn't usually affectionate, but his gaze was more romantic than I had ever seen it.

"I'll try"

He stopped for a moment, his gaze blank. "You make things better, man. I hope you know that."

"When you were in jail, I think living day to day just reminds me of how it would be without you here. It's painful. I don't want it to ever be that way. That's why I got so upset – because you're so reckless sometimes. You gotta be less reckless."

He paused, a smirk curling onto his lips. "I'll try."

I shook my eyes, and with a roll of the eyes, I looked deeply into him. There was so much hidden behind what he presented, the idea of him sparked a warm feeling in my chest and made me passionate and eager to solve, something like a puzzle. His look was loving back, flickering from my lips, back to my eyes.

I narrowed my brows, giving him a teasing stare. "You look like you want to kiss me."

"Is that what I want?" He questioned.

"You tell me."

I moved slowly towards him, but his lips were on mine before I could fully reach him. It was soft and passionate, as always, before he pulled me close into a hug. I savored his warm chest against mine, the feeling of his arms wrapped around my back.

I placed a gentle kiss where his shoulders met his neck and smiled into his embrace.

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