24; waterfall

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YOU'RE NOT A CRIMINAL

We didn't know where we were going.

We meandered through tall grass and trees and dry areas with nothing but dirt. The sliver of an orange sunset peeked through the tall hills in the distance, and I knew it was imminent to fade and leave us in the dark. Dallas told me I didn't have a reason to worry, so I trusted him.

I'd never seen this part of Tulsa, though I wasn't sure if we were even in the same city anymore. I might have dozed off on his shoulder, but sometimes it's hard to tell if I was awake or asleep. I remembered him repeating my name until we jumped out of the boxcar, scampering away before any of the staff could catch us.

My feet were beginning to hurt, but I wasn't about to start complaining. I needed to get away from my room. My house. Hell, even the town was putting me in the dumps anytime I had to walk passed Barnes street and hold my gaze from drifting to the desolate store. I tried not to think about how it would likely be demolished or sold off. I tried not to think about anything.

"Thank you," I said. Dallas barely lifted his gaze from the ground.

"No reason to thank me."

"For being so nice." The only reason I'd ever been afraid of him was because of his mile-long police record, and the rumors that drifted around town about the ruthless Dallas Winston who'd jump a kid for a couple dollars if he had the chance. I knew he was my brother's friend and I knew my brother would never hang around someone terrible enough to steal from a child, so I stayed impartial. Dallas wasn't nice at first, and that was the truth. He wasn't nice to others. But he was nice to me. I wondered briefly if that made me a bad person for liking him.

"You're thanking me for being nice?"

"I guess."

He didn't say anything after that, and I didn't really expect him too. He probably didn't get thanked a lot, let alone for being a nice person.

"Are you sure we aren't about to get lost?" I asked.

"Don't you trust me?"

"I don't see any more roads or trees. I don't even know what city we're in."

Dallas sighed and unzipped his jacket, throwing it over his shoulder. The heat was beating down hard despite the sun almost being down. "Listen, I passed by this place a couple times that I thought you'd like. Cool yourself, I know how to get back and the next train for Tulsa will leave in an hour or two."

I nodded and Dallas wrapped an arm around my shoulder, showing in his own way that his words weren't meant to be hostile. Sometimes he seemed mean without trying because he looked rough.

"Wish we could just leave," I said. He nodded.

"Told you we would."

"It's not happening soon enough."

"Huh," he grunted, "didn't take you as impatient."

"Oh, shut up."

Before, Tulsa was a bore. Teenagers that ran the streets wanting nothing more than to be accepted, wearing sweater vests and designer slacks, rough kids slicking their hair back to show pride. I didn't want to live somewhere were personality was defined by the amount of money you made, or the amount of power you had over someone else was decided by the family you were born into. It was full of fake people showing fake love and fake hate.

But it turned into something so much more. Hanson died. God, I was so naive. Idealistic is too nice of a word to describe myself. I was stupid. He knew he was sick. His son knew he was sick. I did, deep down, with his sunken eyes and the harsh changes. Tulsa was a bad memory because I'd never walk the 580 steps to that convenience store again.

It wasn't easy to go from dreaming to facing reality. But it was a pill I'd have to swallow.

"I promised you, didn't I? So quit worrying. You know, you worry a whole damn lot."

I should have worried more. It might have kept me from heartbreak. "Whatever, Winston. Where's this place you wanted to show me?"

"Couple more minutes."

"Alright."

Heartbreak was more like an identity crisis than anything. Once you got over the tears and mangled thoughts, at least. The only thing that propelled me forward was the thought of Hanson not wanting me to be hung up on it. That would be impossible, but I could at least get out of my room.

"Here," he pointed toward an opening of rocks.

I didn't know Dallas could be so sentimental. There was nothing more romantic than a waterfall under a setting sun. The ravine with slightly murky water was littered with stones, and bushes, amid a circle of trees where the leaves had all sorts of autumn colors. The placid area sounded like a light buzzing from afar, but the beating of the water was akin to an earthquake up close. I never knew Oklahoma could have such picturesque views: rocks like the color of fall, streaming water plummeting to the calm creek in curves. Even the green color of the river was beautiful.

"Dallas." I gaped.

"I knew you'd like it. You like these kinda things."

I wanted to ask who wouldn't like this, but I kept my trap shut instead.

"Come down with me." I grabbed his hand.

The rocks were slippery but I climbed down with caution until I stood on the pebbles lining the water. The waterfall seemed to echo through the rock walls. Dallas shuffled and tossed his jacket away.

"This has got to be the prettiest thing I've ever seen." I gave him a suspicious look. "You've got to be lyin'. There's no way you passed by here without coming down."

"Never had a reason to."

I believed that. Dallas was the type of guy that could look at something beautiful and barely give it a second glance. He didn't fuss over those sort of things. Landscapes, nature. He grew up on the rough New York streets, anyways.

"Take your shirt off," I said.

He raised his brows. "You sure it's even safe to go in there?"

"Only one way to find out." I slipped off my top and unbuttoned my jeans. Dallas shrugged and followed, stripping down to his boxers.

Normally I would have been apprehensive, but I trusted Dallas. It was strange that I trusted him more than anybody else.

The water was cold. It stung my toes all the way up to my midsection until I decided to tip-toe deeper into the water, just under my breasts.

"Jesus," I hissed.

"This was your choice," Dallas said as he sauntered into the water, barely reacting to the biting temperature at all. Same cool expression as always. He grabbed a weed before climbing in and lit it, sitting on the edge of a rock so the water reached his chest. He lit it with the chain he kept around his neck, then slung the lighter on top of his jacket to avoid getting it wet.

I closed my eyes and took a deep, fresh breath, tilting my chin to the sky. I savored the short moment, then bent my knees and slid under the water. I drove myself toward Dallas and poked my head from the water, pushing my hair back. He was grinning at me with that hazy look he always had.

"You can't say you're not nice anymore."

"Never said that."

"Maybe you thought it." I came up so the water reached my ribs. I stood in front of him. "I just wanted to let you know."

He held the cigarette out to me, and I took it, relishing in the wonderful way it made me feel after a long drag.

I almost told him I loved him, but it probably wasn't true, so I held my tongue. I liked him. I liked him a whole lot, but there was no way to tell Dallas Winston that. I didn't even know if he could love me back.

I thought about Hanson's photograph. The young, beautiful, and fervent love shared between him and his wife, the way you could see it in her eyes and the way he looked at her. I wanted it. When I looked at Dallas, I saw it. When I was with him, I was passionate. But I couldn't think of him as committing. I didn't think he could even commit to himself, whatever that meant.

"Hell, you're too nice a girl to be telling me I'm nice." He took the cigarette bag and blew a puff of smoke. "Too good for you're own good."

"You're starting to sound like my brother."

Dallas raised his brows "Probably shouldn't be comparing me to your brother when you were sucking on my face no more than an hour ago."

"Do you have to be so crass?" I winced.

"At least you ain't callin' me nice no more."

"I'll always think you're nice, Dal." I smiled sweetly and propped myself up to wrap my arms around his neck. "And you can't convince me otherwise."

"I rob places and jump people and do any shit that'll get me thrown in the cooler. Doesn't seem too nice to me."

He urged me forward with his arms around my waist and a weed dangling from his mouth. I sat on his lap.

"When's the last time you robbed a store or jumped anyone? Hell, when's the last time you did something bad? Slipping a few smokes into your pocket don't count. Neither does spray-painting James's car and poppin' his wheels, cause he deserved it."

I thought Dallas and I spent most of our time together. He hadn't done anything wrong that I knew of.

"Hell, maybe I ain't had the time, Holls."

"Or maybe I make you a little bit nicer."

He shrugged his shoulders, nonchalant as always. Once he changed the subject, his body relaxed slightly.

"Where do you wanna go?"

"What do you mean? I'm fine stayin' here."

"I meant if you left Tulsa."

It was something I thought about a lot, leaving the little town, but I never came up with a definite answer for myself. As long as it was somewhere nice and calm, away from segregation where everyone was kind to anyone. "My grandma lives out in the country. There's a lot of older people there, but I think they're all pretty great. It's quiet. No train tracks and no competition. I think I'd really like to live somewhere like that one day."

"The country, huh? Never thought of that."

"Would you ever move back to New York?"

"If I moved back to that place I wouldn't survive," he admitted with a wince. "It's a rough area."

"You're pretty rough," I said. "Not in a bad way."

"They're all criminals over there, on the streets I lived on. Guess that's why I mixed in well. Hell of a lot of fights, though. I came home roughed up every weekend."

"You're not a criminal like you used to be."

"I ain't that different."

I pursed my lips together and stared off into the hole that peeked through the waterfall. The loud noise of the water hitting the creek made our silence comfortable. Like I could take as long as I pleased to think about what I wanted to say next.

"Did New York make you that way?"

"And other things."

"Like?"

He took a long drag of his cigarette, maybe his way of thinking about what to say next. "Let's just say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree."

I leaned my head in the crevice of his neck. His arm wrapped around my shoulder and brushed my hair mindlessly. Every now and then he brought the weed to lips, let me take a puff, and when it was down to a nub he flicked it into the water. The sun had lowered from its peak of orange glimmer and was almost obliterated by the hills and the clouds that rolled above it. It was going to be dark soon, but I don't think Dallas and I were too focused on the time.

"I know you probably don't want me to talk about it or nothin', but if you want to, I'm all ears." I couldn't see his face but I could imagine he had that knitted brow he always did when he was uncomfortable. "He was really growin' on me. Never thought I could consider an old man my friend. 'Specially one that's tryin' to get me to read and shit."

I laughed and placed a hand on his bare chest, tapping my fingers against it. "Don't worry about me. Really." I had closure. It was in the note. It would get better, sooner or later. I would never feel okay about it, but pain fades, it always does.

"If anyone can get through something like this, it's you."

I gave him a weak smile and played with the hair on the back of his neck.

"And you say you're not nice."

It was refreshing to see Dallas smile genuinely. When he did, his eyes lit up along with his curved mouth. It was usually followed by a few shorts huffs, and he looked to the sky, then back down to me.

We both decided we better get back, or Steve would be on my ass, and we'd be stuck in the middle of nowhere without a train to catch. He hiked back up the hill, and we made our way toward the tracks. The same tracks that spanned all the way back to Tulsa, where the sunset had risen above the east and west.

We made our train on time and the darkness concealed us in the back of the boxcar. With Dallas's arm around my stomach and my back against his chest, I let my lids fall shut with the cool breeze against my face.

Once long ago I thought we could never fully be satisfied by something that doesn't last forever. I was wrong. very wrong.

Perhaps I would tell him I love him. Another day. When I was completely sure of it.

For now I'd enjoy the hard wind and the calm silence, as I dozed off against his chest.

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