❝ STOP WORRYING AND
START LIVING ❞

–

I woke up Wednesday morning feeling just as tired as I was the night before. Completely drawn, likely pallid though I hadn't bothered to look in a mirror, and I could almost feel the hollowness under my eyes. The shrill alarm created a headache before I could even open my eyes. Steve played his music next door, the Elvis album I bought him for his birthday. He turned it down a bit, he knew I didn't like really loud noises and probably figured it was the least he could do.

The day after Hanson's passing, Steve and Dallas showed up with bags full of books and dropped them off in my room. I was pleased they were getting along but I couldn't think about much else than the letter I received the night before, and the utter helplessness I felt when his son told me he had died. Dallas didn't stay – I told him I wanted to be alone and he knew I meant it.

It was Monday then, and I refused to go to school. My father wasn't there to stop me. The next day he was, but he let me off because he knew I was hurting. Then came Wednesday, curled up under my bed sheets with the alarm drowning out Steve's terrible music, and the last thing I wanted to do was get up and get ready. I knew that when the last bell rang at the end of the day I'd make my way toward the convenience store instead of my own home out of habit. I knew I would go through the same thing I did days prior.

I lifted my blanket over my head and nearly screamed into my pillow before a knock came, my father entering shortly after without waiting for an okay. He put his hands on his hips, his face twisted in pity, but I wanted none of it. I knew I was a mess.

"School?" He asked. "I know you're hurtin', kid, and you can take a couple more days if you need to, but you've gotta go back sooner or later. It's only gonna put you in trouble if you fall behind."

"I know," I said with a sigh and buried my head in my hands. I wasn't worried about falling behind, I was already excelling and all my teachers loved me. I wasn't the teacher's pet or anything, I got good grades and kept to myself, and it was an unspoken contentedness between all of us. "I can't do it today."

I knew I'd break down in front of everybody. It shouldn't have been a big deal to me, but it was. Too much attention was something I tried to steer clear of.

He nodded his head and left the room. Steve followed shortly after. He'd been coming the past few days to say goodbye before he left for school. He'd never done it before. I appreciated it because although we got into a lot of fights, it was all out of love.

He ushered me over by holding out a single arm, and I grudgingly slumped from my bed and slipped into his arm. He kissed the top of my head. "It's gonna get better, okay?"

"Okay."

He left my room just like my father, and not five minutes later the front door slammed, leaving me alone.

I didn't do much the past few days. I walked to the theatre just one time because I thought I'd go crazy if I spent another moment in my room. I slipped on a black sweater and flipped the hood up just in case I couldn't hold my feelings in. Besides, theatres were dark. I didn't do that again, though. It was more comforting to stay in bed and listen to soothing crackling music emanate from my record player.

Too much was changing in my life and too quickly, some good some bad. Life seemed to favor the bad ones. Despite all, it was Wednesday, so I reached into the ample bag and picked out a random hardcover. I couldn't be bothered to pick and choose.

It was some young adult novel about a new girl in a new school who meets a handsome bad boy with a soft side. It was the epitome of a cliche but easy to get lost in with nothing else to focus my attention on. I couldn't fathom why Hanson would ever allow a book like this to be in his store.

I jumped when a loud tapping came from my window. My eyes shot up to meet a crouched Dallas, peering at me through the grimy glass. I hurried to unlock it before he fell from the branch he was perched on.

Once he was through the sill of the window, he let out a heavy breath. "It'd be easier if you kept that unlocked."

"Uh huh," I muttered, "so you can break into my house easier."

"Honey, last time I broke into your house you kissed me." His smile stretched further. "I've got no complaints."

I heaved a loud sigh and plopped down on the bed. Usually, I'd respond with another sarcastic comment and it'd be a full banter, but I wasn't in the mood for playful talk.

"You should be at school," I said, fiddling with my fingers.

"I'd rather be with you." He crossed his arms and squinted around the room as if it were his first time seeing it. "Listen, uh, I know you wanted your space and all but I figured I'd get you out of here. It's cramped, man."

Dallas's tentative way of saying he wanted to take me out was too cute to reject, so I nodded my head. "I guess I could do something."

"I won't make you fight people or anything."

"Funny. The next person I'll be fightin' is you, Winston."

"You ever hopped on a train?" He asked. I jerked my brows. "Freight train?"

"That's illegal." I looked at him as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"So is spray painting cars."

"And look where that got us."

Dallas scoffed under his breath and opened my bedroom door. "Stop worryin' and start livin'."

Instead of getting changed I merely shrugged the same black sweater on, in the sweats I slept in. With a sigh, I walked through over the threshold. "Can we do that running away thing now?"

"You're not a runaway sweetheart." He placed a hand on my back. "You ain't meant to be."

I didn't say anything to that, cause I was sure he was right. I had a brother that loved me, I had Dallas, I had all my friends and a life I couldn't leave behind. Truth is, I wouldn't have the guts to run away. But it was real nice to think about.

"Where are we takin' this freight train to?" I asked. I lifted up my hood and frowned.

"Where's the fun in knowing?"

I nodded my head. I shouldn't have expected an exact answer from him because I wasn't sure he knew himself, although there weren't many routes a single train could take. We were heading toward the one that spliced the town into two, the precise area that split the white picket fences from the dilapidated paint chipped ones and the ostentatious houses from the tumble downs. I loved it there because if you looked to one side, you saw a different world from the left, but if you looked up on a nice evening, all you saw was a beautiful sunset on top of the hill you stood.

"Far away from here I hope."

Dallas knew I needed to get away. He knew since he promised we've leave that town together. Maybe not for good, not yet, but it was nice to get away for a little while. Hop in a cart and hope nobody caught you.

The walk there wasn't long, I kept my head down with my hands shoved in my pockets while Dallas wrapped a comforting arm around me. I could guess he didn't know whether or not to bring it up, and I wasn't sure I wanted him to either. Steve and my father dodged the subject, they didn't wanna see me in the state I was a few nights ago. Now it was just silence. Nobody. Me, my thoughts, and occasional tears.

The fresh air was nice. The breeze was just cool enough to chill my skin after being heated under blankets. My eyes were on my shoes the walk there, white sneakers covered in dirt that I seldom washed because I didn't care. Then the path became familiar, and I was walking down Barnes street, with Dallas clutching me a little tighter. I flipped off my hood and looked around, and we were quickly approaching the corner store.

"Don't stop, Holls. It's not gonna do no good," Dallas mumbled, trying to steer me in his direction. I broke away from his tight grip and walked over to the corner store, pressing my hand flat against the glass.

"It's so empty." I'd never seen Hanson's store so desolate and lifeless. The bookshelves were empty, the cash was gone, and all that was left was the front desk with nothing to adorn it, not even the black and white photograph that Dallas had pocketed before leaving. The store died with him.

"C'mon," Dallas urged me by wrapping an arm around my stomach. I let him keep it there with my hand slipping down the window.

"I never got a photograph of him," I said, turning around. My face scrunched to indicate imminent tears and I rested my head against his chest. "When he was younger. But not a recent one. What if I forget what he looks like?"

"That ain't gonna happen."

He was probably right. I'd have the picture etched in my mind of him with his larger than life grin forever. Though I'd heard stories of forgetting the details of what people they once knew looked like, their picture becoming no more than a faint blur, I wouldn't let it happen.

I finally let him tug me away and we started back toward the old railroad tracks on the top of the hill. When we got there it was a hike to the top, and I was almost disappointed it wasn't twilight, where I could get the best view of the setting sun.

"Don't you think it's a wonderful view?" I mused when I got to the top. Dallas merely nodded his head and put a cigarette between his lips.

"It's alright."

"What do we do now?"

"We walk down the track for 'round 10 minutes until we see the train, then we hop on. Should leave a little bit after that."

"How do you know there's gonna be a train?" I pulled my brows together. He laughed puffs of smoke and nodded his head toward the trees that lined the tracks.

"Think this is my first time?"

"Well, no-"

"They always stop at the same spot of Wednesdays for a crew change. I hop off at the same spot and know what train to get on to get back, so don't be worrying."

"I ain't worrying that you don't know what you're doin' Dal, it's just." I sighed, placing my hands on my hips. "You know if we get caught you're gettin' sent off back to the cooler and I'll get fined, and I ain't got the money for that."

"Good thing I know how to stay hidden." He dismissed my overthinking.

"Alright, king of the road. Lead the way."

Dallas flashed me a grin and soon enough we'd been walking for ten minutes and the shape of a graffiti freight train appeared over the vanish. He probably hopped in the same boxcar each time because he led me to the third from the last.

Stepping up onto the metal platform, he lifted himself into the box, then reached out his hand for me to grab. I took hold of it and got myself in without trouble.

"What if we get caught?" I whispered again, and I could almost see Dallas roll his eyes in the dark corner.

"We'll get caught if you don't keep your trap shut."

A few minutes after, loud voices came from down the railway and Dallas pulled me flat against his chest in the corner of the box. It wouldn't have done anything since it was broad daylight, anyway, but the voices passed and we relaxed against each other.

Dallas lowered himself onto the ground and linked his hands behind his head. I took a seat beside him and huffed, waiting for the train to start.

Soon enough the cart jostled and gained speed, and before I knew it trees were flying by in a blur.

"You think the railroad view is nice, just wait."

"This is amazing Dal."

And just like that, he'd managed to take my mind off Hanson before I could realize it, before I could feel guilty for feeling good. I watched the scenery pass by and it was enough to make me think about absolutely nothing except what was out there and what was beside me. His fingers danced along the length of my arm opposite to him, probably without realizing just how calming it was.

I reached beside me and ran my fingers through his hair so he would look at me, then leaned in. I kissed him like I did before, long and slow, as his hands snaked around my body and mine combed through his locks. He wasn't my first kiss, but it was fervent and comfortable and that was all I could ask for. I wanted to kiss him, and he wanted to kiss me, but with James, we were never both fully into it.

It was romantic, something I thought Dallas couldn't be, and when he kissed down my jaw to the curve of my shoulder, I burst into a fit of laughter. I even felt a few huffs come from him before he pulled his head back. I rested my head on his chest and sat between his open legs with his arm hung lazily around my stomach, and like that, we watched trees turn into mountains and mountains turn into lakes.