TW: Self harm

I woke up the next morning feeling pretty shitty. The world seamed even more grey than normal and the trees were dying through my eyes. The grey road remained silent as the bright yellow lines blinded my eye, warning me. Of what i had no idea. The distant radio was buffered through my ears and a throbbing pain ached my skull, my body and my heart. I woke up at 3am, the house was silent. I couldn't stop shaking and i did it again, i cut. i hate myself for it, its become an addiction that i cant escape. It frustrates me even more than i didn't even have a reason to do it, i just felt...sad. That's all it took for me to do it. I panicked as the blood fell down ever so gracefully onto the bathroom floor, it was calm physically i felt steady but my head and my heart was screaming so loud that i thought i was going to explode into so many little pieces. I once white sock had turned red, my eyes jumped to read in anger at everything, or sometimes it would be blue when i was sad or like now Grey. That's when i felt numb. when i felt nothing. I've got pretty good at disguising a small limp, because when my foot bend the open skin crinkles together causing sharp aches. but i had to embrace it. I had a bottle of water this morning, i felt slightly proud in myself. Still the overwhelming crushing fear lingered in my atmosphere always. forever swallowing me whole, forever keeping me trapped, forever leaving me feeling this way.

"Riley, get out the car!" Toby shouted, breaking me away.

"Sorry, i was day dreaming." I fake laughed in aim to make him less mad. They weren't day dreams, they were terrors.

I slumped out the car and immediately walked away from my brothers, i didn't want them to notice anything because i was struggling to hide it today.

I bumped into Libby at my locker, and we ran over our plan.

"Sop your telling your brothers your going out with me but your actually going out with Harrison, and I'm going out with Alex." Libby closed her locker and moved to the other side of me so the locker door wasn't blocking her.

"Yeas but we need to met each other at the park first, Issac will only check if i actually go to the park then he wont look again." I closed my locker and we continued to walk.

"As long as you tell me what's the deal with you two." She smiled giddily.

"I'm not telling you now, i'll tell you some other time." I smiled slightly.

The daunting hours of school finally ended, and I'm surprised i got through. I jumped in the car and put on that oh so famous fake smile which even i had started to believe. Getting home didn't take long, Issac already knew about my plans so i just headed straight upstairs to get ready.

i opened my wardrobe and picked out an outfit, tried it on, took it off, picked another, tried it on threw it on the floor. I did that for multiple outfits. I wanted to look...presentable, but i went with tracky bottoms and a baggy top, it hid my body from the world. I shoved half my hair up into a messy bun and the rest down. No make up.

I climbed down the stairs phone and Vaseline in hand, i couldn't go anywhere without my Vaseline.

"I'm going!" I shouted so the whole house could hear me. Then i set off into the fresh air by myself and it felt good, like i was free.

After walking for 5 minutes i saw Libby up ahead and then we both headed to the park.

She left with Alex so i sat on the bench i was supposed to meet Harrison at.

"Hey stranger." A voice shouted from the right, i swung my head to see who it was and there stood tall smiling was Harrison.

I stood up and waited for him to get closer towards me. "Hey." I said quietly when he reached me.

"Come on i want to show you something." He pointed his head ahead and then we started to walk in that direction.

We talked while we walking, mostly about primary school when i used to be taller than him. It brought a real smile to my face, i didn't have to fake it when i was with him.

"Here we are, close your eyes." He grinned childishly and it was contagious.

"Why?" I laughed.

"Do you trust me?" He asked. I froze, did i trust him? i don't know felt my heart skip a beat. "I promise you can trust me." He continued.

"I don't know." I started rapidly picking at the skin around my nails and brung them closer to my face. Then i felt Harrison slowly bring my hands from my face and i was met with his eyes.

"Riley, i got you. You don't have to close your eyes but at least let me show you." He had a sincere look on his face which was warming.

"Okay." I simple said and with that he held my hand, held it tight and i felt safe. I'd never felt so safe than with him right now maybe i did trust him.

I followed him, stepping over twigs and leaves. "Harrison." stopped and called out.

"What's wrong?" He abruptly turned around to me.

"I trust you."

I stared at the ground and i felt his eyes on me. I looked up and slowly closed my eyes then held my hand out. I sensed that he moved in front of me and i peaked out of my eyes.

"Hop on." He said. I was guessing he was offering me a piggy back so i jumped on his back and wrapped my arms tightly around him. "Now close your eyes." I couldn't fully see his face but he was smiling.

I put my head down into his shoulder and it felt like home, comfortable warm and somewhere i wanted to stay.

"You can open your eyes now." He whispered.

I opened them and i was shocked. Before me was a small lake with a small waterfall. It was elegant and peaceful. It was just for us and as the pink flowers that surrounded us swayed, i was falling more and more for him.

I slid of his back and he moved to the side of me. when my feet hit the ground it felt soft, like standing on a cloud.

"Do you wanna go for a swim?" He smiled.

I thought not for very long before i nodded. "wait but what am i supposed to wear?" I asked all of a sudden worried.

"Well because i knew where we were going i wore swimming trunks, so you can wear my tracky bottoms and go in your top." He started taking his tracky bottoms off.

"Then I'm going to have to walk home in a soggy top."

"You can wear my hoodie."

At that sentence i felt my face light up.