two weeks later

This room was calm, way too calm for my liking. The white walls blinded my eyes with its positivity and that was not where my mindset was at. The past two weeks have been better yes, Harrison and I hung out a lot and what made it even better was that he was allowed to come over to my house. Issac convinced everyone else to let me, even though they hated it they couldn't do anything about it, Issac was the boss. Dad was still around town but he moved out the house last week, said he was staying with an old friend. I didn't care as long as he was gone.

Currently i was sat across from my new therapist, she was nice and very cheerful all the time which was slightly annoying but i guess they have to be like that. I'd seen her three times but i didn't see how these sessions were helping, I didn't tell Issac that though. I didn't want him to spend more money on therapy i didn't want or need. Yes i was a mess but I don't like talking about my feelings overall never mind living through the ache of what happened after re visiting the topic with her. I felt bad for being difficult with her because she was so nice but its not easy. I tell her what she wants to her so she doesn't report anything worrying back to my brothers.

"How did you sleep last night, are you still finding it difficult to sleep?" She says her smile touching her eyes.

"It was okay i guess, I woke up at 4 and couldn't go back to sleep." I fiddle with my hands so i don't have to look at her gaze.

"What time did you fall asleep?" She continues.

"Erm around 11." More like 2am but it isn't much difference right?

"Have you been feeling any need to do something you shouldn't?" Her smile drops to a more serious glare like she'll be mad at me if i say the wrong thing.

"Nope." I lie.

"Okay good, we've got 10 more minutes left is there anything you'd like to talk about specifically?"

"Schools been good, i haven't seen him about." I look up slightly but only to look back down again.

"Ollie?" She questions.

"Please don't say his name." I mutter just loud enough for her to say.

"Hiding away from the name is not going to help Riley, you need to face the truth and deal with it. The longer you wait the harder it will be."

"Are you being serious?" I look up sternly at her to be met with her confusion and soft features. "I don't want to deal with it, and i won't. I need to forget that stupid ass name, not 'deal with it'. I've had enough of people telling me that,, it's my life i'll decide what i want to do with it and if that's not hearing that name anymore than so be it." I stood up and walked out her words ringing in my head infuriating me. His name was now stuck in my head and it wouldn't go away. I stomped down the corridor on my way to the exit, my blood boiling wanted to get out of this place. Just as i saw the doors in view i walked faster but before i could reach the doors i was stopped.

"Issac let me go." I almost shout trying to get past his shoulders to the door.

"No, what the fuck do you think your doing you've still got like 10 minutes left." He said trying to pry my attention away from the doors.

"I'm pissed off, she said something i never wanted to hear again and i want to go home." I reply through clenched teeth as i stopped trying to get past him realising it wouldn't work.

"You can't just stomp out because she said something you didn't want to hear." He grew angry like it was all my fault.

"I can and i will, now i want to go home please." I said in a calmer tone hoping it would win him over.

"Go wait in the car." He said moving out the way and passing me the keys. I took them from his hand and exited the stuffy overly positive place.

I looked back over my shoulder to see Issac walking towards the room I'd just came from. Then i remembered that Issac had my phone, he took it off me every session so i wouldn't be distracted from it and could put all my attention into therapy. Without my phone i decided to turn the radio on, i flicked through the channels but nothing was entertaining enough for my liking. I opened the glove compartment of Issacs car searching through the stacks of paper which were probably all useless, this was the only part of his car that wasn't spotless. He obsessed over his clean car so do the rest of my brothers, weird if you ask me but i guess its just a guys nature definitely when they have new cars. I pulled out what i was looking for and was surprised it was still in here, It was the CD Issac and i made when i was 9. It had lots of throwback hits from that time and cringy songs i used to like back then as well as a few songs Issac picked out but they were mostly my songs. I opened the case and slipped the disk into the player waiting for it to load. The first song that came on was Habits by Tove Lo, i didn't understand what the lyrics meant back then but i do now. It reminded me of the time i did smoke weed for the first time and how nice Brandon was, his advice replayed in my head 'fuck them all you don't need them, go get pissed' . It wasn't a bad idea thinking about it but it wasn't possible with eyes on me pretty much all the time.

Issac got in the car then turned the music down a little.

"I didn't know i still had that CD." He smiled, i could almost see the memories being brought back in his head.

"Well you took my phone so i had nothing else to do, can i have it back now?" I asked putting me seatbelt on.

"No you can wait." He spun round to look on the back as he reversed out of the parking spot.

"Why?" Disgust painted my face.

"Because i said not." He faced back forward as he raced out the car park.

"Jerk." I said under my breath.

"That's just earnt you another hour of no phone." He said with a straight face.

I kept my lips shut and faced away from him because he pissed me off.

When we pulled up at the chemist i was confused.

"Why are we here?" I asked.

"You'll see." He smirked and shut the door behind him walking towards the entrance.

Now I'm left waiting nervously, luckily there isn't a cue so i wont be waiting very long. I saw Issac leave the shop and when he got into the car he threw the bag at me. I looked at him before i opened the bag to read what it said on the bottle.

"Sleeping drugs?" I shouted as i turned to him angrily.

"Your therapist prescribed you them, says you haven't been sleeping?"

"Are you serious? I don't need these." I shouted again.

"You don't have a choice." he laughs.

"All teenagers don't sleep, Liam stays up late playing on his Xbox."

"He's deals with himself Riley." Issac says.

"You don't get to treat me differently because I'm a girl for gods sake." I tilted my head back frustrated.

"Riley you've been through so much shit and I'm trying to help you." He raised his voice slightly.

"I don't need your help, i can deal with my own shit." I shout back.

"I don't care what you want." He says scarily calm.

"Well i do, its my life Issac." I shout.

"I know what's best for you and I'm doing this so you don't fucking kill yourself." I've never before heard Issac shout so loud, not even when Toby accidentally broke the vase mum bought. I was shocked, i didn't know what to do or say, Issac just drove.

We were at the house soon enough and Issac left the car straight away while i just sat there. I looked over to the door where Issac was waiting for me to get out so he could lock his car. Dragging myself from the leather seats I shut the door and trailed up to the door.

"I'm sorry." Is all that managed to come out before I got in the house and went straight to my room, I desperately wanted to look over my shoulder but i didn't.

I always thought in times like these my brother was being selfish but i realised, he just doesn't want me to end up like mum. Dead.