I VIKRAM I

If I think about it, this guy's trip was a much needed one. Yeah, it's great going hiking with your friends to the same place you go every other month. But that's not the only reason why I'm glad I'm on this trip. Yes, you guessed right. It's all because of her. Meera. The Bane of my fucking existence.

The guy up there must be laughing at me. He must have some kind of vendetta against me. Because how the hell am I supposed to be so close to her, yet not touch her? Yes, I may have brought that one on me myself but I don't care.

I meant it when I said I that it's all or nothing. But it's maddening to not touch her when she's so fucking ready to be touched.

God! The way she tilted her head up, eyes closed, waiting for that kiss. It about killed me when I pulled away. I'm not sure how I did it. But I wanted her to be mine when I laid my lips on hers the next time. Although that feels like a pipe dream right now.

So, it was good getting away from her a little to clear my mind. But fuck if I miss her. Is that normal? Hell, nothing about this is normal. I'm fucking crazy for this girl.

And now listen to me talking to myself about it like a whiny little bitch. Next, I'll be doing an introspection while looking at the mirror and write down how I feel. Hey, that doesn't sound so bad!

"Meera said that she-", I quickly turn towards Varun when he says her name.

"-Ha! I knew that would get your attention. What the hell, Vikram? I've been calling you for the past minute", he says.

"I was thinking about something else", I tell him, "what is it?"

"Yeah, I bet you were thinking about something, or rather, someone", he says, sarcasm oozing from his words, "what's with you these days, man?", he asks. It's just him and me. Karthi and Rudra were too damn slow for the both of us, so we left them behind.

"Nothing. I'm fine. I just have a lot on my mind these days", I say as I sidestep a broken tree branch.

"Yeah, I figured. I'm just asking what it is", he says. I look at him, contemplating if I should tell him. He won't tell on me to Karthi but he's a loudmouth, a lot like me, so he can't be trusted despite his loyalty. Rudra is obviously the safest choice. But Varun thinks like me, so he understands me better.

"Oh come on! You can tell me. You know you can trust me", he says when he sees my face.

"Yeah, just like the last time when you promised you won't tell Karthi about his wedding gift, then blurted it out for the whole world to hear at that party?", I ask him.

Karthi threw a party for his friends and family in Banglore, who couldn't attend the wedding. And we had planned to give him the flight tickets to Bali and the paid tour package after the party, privately. Then this dumbass got drunk and told the whole party that the "newlyweds" were going to Bali for honeymoon.

Now that I think about it, I think the tour package is about to expire. I should remind Karthi and Shraddha about it. Since Shraddha didn't get a leave and due to Karthi's father's hospitalisation, they decided to postpone their honeymoon four months ago.

"Come on, I was drunk. It was not my fault and it won't happen again", he says.

"As if we aren't going to get drunk as shit tonight", I say.

"I promise I'll not speak a word after I drink. No I'll do better. I'm not drinking tonight. How about that?", He asks, looking proud of himself. Does he expect me to give him a golden Star for that or something?

"Fine. But if you talk about it in front of Karthi or anyone else. You're dead", I tell him.

"Yeah, yeah. Out with it", he says.

"Well, you know how you and Karthi told me to stay away from Meera?", I ask him.

"Yeah. And you took our advice so well", he says sarcastically.

"Well, I don't think that's possible. She's got this pull, I don't know. Anyways, I asked her out on a date a few weeks-", I'm cut off by an over the top dramatic gasp.

"What!?", Varun shouts.

"Shut the fuck up!", I tell him when some people look over.

"You asked her out on a date and you didn't tell me?", He asks incredulously.

"Yeah", I say.

"Wow, Vikram. And you didn't even ask me for advice", he says and I scoff.

"Advice.... from you... Haha. Nice one. You've yet to ask out the love of your life who you met more than three years ago. And you're going to give me advice?", I ask him.

"Hey! That's different. And why do you assholes always bring that shit up? It has nothing to do with me giving advice. And for your information , single people give the best advice. I'm proof of that", he says.

"Yeah, and earth is flat. I agree with the single people giving the best advice thing. That may be right, but the rest is bullshit", I say. "Didn't you almost get that guy punched for trying to ask out Shraddha's cousin's girlfriend?", I ask when he tries to protest.

"I didn't know she was his girlfriend and I didn't know that he existed much less that he was Shraddha's cousin", he defends.

"How about the time you told Ram at office to ask out the new intern out? Ram was lucky he left before her husband came to pick her up", I tell him.

"Again, I didn't know she was married, alright? And how was I supposed to know? She never wore a ring or sindoor or a mangalsutra or anything. And she was an intern, doing her PG. Why the hell was she married in the first place. Isn't college students supposed to study or something?", He asks.

"Maybe, dumbass, she loved that guy and got married or maybe her family arranged it, I don't know. The point is, you are not fit to give advice about these things", I say.

"Wow, stab me with a knife, why don't you?", He asks placing his hand on his chest.

"You should stop watching those serials. You're starting to sound like a Desi aunty who was denied gossip", I tell him. Dramatic fools, all of them! And yes, I'm also talking about myself.

"No, you mean a Desi aunty, when her new daughter-in-law tells her that it's none of her business", he says and I give him a pointed look.

"Yeah, back to your story. So you asked her out without consulting me. So she must've rejected you and then what happened?", He asks.

"She didn't reject me", I say lamely.

"And?", He probes.

"She didn't say anything", I say.

"That's rejection, my friend. That's called a silent rejection", he says.

"Then how come she let me kiss her, twice?", I ask him, smugly.

"You kissed her!?",he shouts again.

"Fuck! I'm not sure Karthi heard you. Grab a microphone, why don't you?", I say as I close his mouth with my hand. I only take it away when he calms the fuck down.

"You kissed her?", He whispers.

"Yeah. She likes me. I'm sure of it. But she's hesitant and like a skittish cat, she's always running away from me. Why does she have to be so damn stubborn? I don't know what's stopping her from being with me", I ask.

"If she doesn't want to be with you, then may be you should ask someone else out. You remember Lakshmi? You guys went on a few dates. Why don't you ask her out, I'm sure she still likes you. And also, that new intern girl. She's got her eyes on you since the day she joined", he says.

"That's the problem, I don't want anyone else. I want her. It doesn't matter that she's always running from me or trying to avoid me, she's all I can think about these days. And I know that may make me sound like a psycho creep. But I know she likes me back. She said so herself. So it doesn't matter even if all the girls out there wanted to be with me, it means nothing if she is not among them", I tell him.

"Fuck! Another one bites the fucking dust", Varun says, shaking his head.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?", I ask him. He's weird sometimes. Most times. Scratch that, he's weird. Period.

"First, Karthik. And now you. My brothers have fallen in the trap. And I don't think there's any saving you fools", he says.

Is he seriously speaking in Master Oogway's tone right now? See? Weird.

"You're in love with her, you dumbass", he says when I stare at him blankly.

"No. I'm not. Not yet", I tell him.

"You are", he says confidently.

"What are you? The love detector?", I ask.

"You can joke all you want. But what I said is true. You're in love with her", he says. We're almost at the top. My legs are crying a little right now since we haven't taken a break yet. We forgot to take a break in between all the talking.

So I'm already fucked up physically. And Varun looks so confident when he says that I'm in love with her. It's making me sweat. Okay, maybe it's the climb that's making me break out in sweat. But I'm blaming him.

"I am not. I'm sure I could love her in the future, I don't know, a year later? When we're both pretty into the relationship, if there's a relationship, that is. But the way things are, I don't think it'll be easy", I say.

"You're in love", he says ignoring my reasoning.

"Yeah? How are you so sure about that?", I ask him.

"Really? You're asking me that? You've been after her since the moment you met her. I warned you to stay away from her. You even ignored Karthik and went after his sister-in-law. And I know for a fact, if you didn't like her so much, you wouldn't do that, break the bro code like that", he says.

"I'm not saying I don't like her. I'm saying I'm not yet in love with her ", I explain.

"Yeah? If someone asked you out right now, would you say yes?", He asks.

"Obviously not", I reply immediately.

"Is she the most beautiful woman you've ever met?", He asks.

I feel like that's a trick question but I still say yes.

"If someone asked her out, what would be your reaction?", He asks.

My blood heats up thinking about it.

He smirks when he sees the look on my face.

"If she told you to leave her alone. Really leave her alone, sincerely, would you do it?", He asks.

"As much as it kills me, yes. Because it's her decision and if she really didn't want me, then I wouldn't want to bother her", I tell him. I don't know where he's going with this.

"Do you miss her all the time?", He asks.

Fuck yes! "Yeah, sometimes", I answer nonchalantly. But he gives me a knowing look.

"Do you want to spend the unforseeable future with her?", He asks.

"What's with the twenty questions, dude?", I ask him.

"Just answer",he says.

"Yeah. Yes I do", I tell him.

"Do you want what's best for her even if it's not what's best you?", He asks.

"Yeah, ofcourse", I say.

"So, you're telling me, she's the most beautiful girl you've ever met, and you'd never go out with someone else, hell, you don't even think about someone else, you get angry at the thought of someone else asking her out, wants her to be happy, you miss her all the damn time, you'd sacrifice what's best for you for her best and you want to spend the rest of your damn life with her. If that's not love, then I don't know what is", he says and a lump get's stuck in my throat.

"How the hell do you figure that?", I ask him.

"Because, I'm in love. I've been in love with Darshana for years, so I know when someone is in love with someone. And you, my friend, are head over heels for this girl",he says.

Fuck! He's serious. He never talks about Darshana unless he's serious.

"Do you really think so?", I ask him hesitantly.

"Yeah, I'm sure", he says.

Fuck! I'm in love. I would love to see the look on Meera's face if she heard that. I probably wouldn't be able to see it since she'd be miles away after running away from me. Great, I'm fucked.

"Why are you not asking her out? Darshana, I mean? It's been way too long. You asked me the other day if you should ask her out. But you never did even though I told you to go for it", I say.

"She sees me as a friend", he says with a pained sigh.

"Did she tell you that?", I ask him.

"No, but I overheard her telling her friend that I'm a great guy. Like the sunshine guy everyone is friends with", he says.

"I don't think she meant what you think. And it's not a bad thing. If anything, that's a great compliment", I tell him.

"Doesn't matter. She's going out with someone else right now", he says.

"How do you know?", I ask him.

"I say her getting on his bike. It's her boyfriend", he says with a sigh.

"Are you sure?", I ask him. "Maybe it was her brother.. or maybe her father is just hot?"

"Yeah, she'll kiss her brother or father on the mouth in the middle of the parking lot", he says.

"Ouch", I cringe. That must've hurt. Watching the girl you've been in love with for years kiss someone else.

"Yeah"

"I'm sorry, man. It sucks", I say as I put my arms around his shoulder.

"Yeah", he says just as we finally reach the top.

"It's Darshana's loss. She's missing out on a great guy. Even though you're a dumb fuck sometimes, there's no one I trust more than you. Well there's Karthik and Rudra and Shraddha but you get the sentiment", I say but he flips me off.

"This never gets old", I say as we finally reach the viewpoint look at the top. You can see the whole city from up here. And it's breathtaking. There's a reason why we always come here. And it's this. I want to bring Meera here, one day. I'm sure she'll love the view. Maybe we'll come here to see sunset from up here.

"Yeah. I missed this", Varun says as he sits on the rock and takes out his water bottle.

I take out my phone and click a picture of the view before sending it to Meera with the caption, "you should come see this with me sometime".

"Did you just send that to Meera?", He asks when he sees me taking the picture.

"Yeah", I say sheepishly.

"Figured. What did you tell her?", He asks as he takes a sip of his water.

"That she should come see this with me sometime", I say.

"Smooth. So you're not so hopeless without my life changing advice, it seems", he says.

"Have you ever given someone good advice?", I ask him.

"Yeah. My advice is great. It's the execution that gets fucked up. And those guys who asks for advice always fucks it up. They always find someone with a boyfriend or a husband", he says.

"Right", I say. "Do you think those turtles will be here anytime soon?", I ask him as I sit next to him before wiping forehead with a towel. Karthi and Rudra weren't that far behind us. They should be here in a few minutes.

"They should be here about-", he starts but gets cut off by a "hey" in Karthi's voice.

"-now", Varun finishes as we turn towards them.

They're walking towards us with sticks in both of their hands. Karthi is huffing and puffing. It's funny.

"Why the hell were you guys running? You didn't even stop to take a break. So we couldn't either. Rudra and I almost died trying to catch up with you", he says.

"Talk for yourself", Rudra says as he sits next to me on the rock bench.

He doesn't even look tired. Couldn't he atleast break out a sweat to make the rest of us feel good about ourselves?

"Whatever, dude. Anyways, it looked like you guys were talking about something serious", he says. I want to tell him. He's my best friend. But I can't. Not about this. So I lie instead.

"Oh yeah, we were talking about your honeymoon. The tickets will expire soon. You and Shraddha should talk about it ", I lie quickly. If Varun were to open his mouth, he'll make us look suspicious.

"Oh, yeah. Shraddha told me the same, yesterday. We're thinking about taking leave this month or maybe the starting of next. She has applied for leave. We're not sure if she'll get it", he says.

"That's good", I say.

The four of us sit there for some time. Walking around, laughing at our stupid jokes, and eating the chips we brought with us. It's an hour later, at 7 am that we start on our way back down.

After we get breakfast at the hotel nearby, our usual spot, we take my Jeep to the waterfalls, a few kilometres from here, through the scenic route. On the way Varun and I sing loudly along with the songs playing in the stereo, with Karthi joining us in the chorus and Rudra laughing at everything happening around him.

He has always been like that. He doesn't really talk much. If he wanted to say something, he would. You can't force him to say something until he's ready to do it. People think he is rude or broody. But in a way, his broody disposition is his charm. He has a certain routine and way of life and he doesn't like anything messing that up. We know when to give him space and when to push him about things.

But that doesn't mean he doesn't know how to have fun or anything. When he gets drunk, he becomes a lecturer talking about the mundane things as if they were topics of national importance. It's hilarious. I have atleast a dozen videos of drunk Rudra and in one of them, he drunkenly talks about why jeans with elastic is so much more practical. I though he would pull out a thesis paper at the end of his "class".

Varun is just the opposite of Rudra. He is messy and like Darshana said, sunshine. He is that guy you can talk with, about anything without judgement. And even though he is a little dumb, like me sometimes, he is a great guy. 

You might not believe it, but the guy has three younger sisters and he's crazy protective of them. He almost punched one of our colleagues once, when he flirted with the oldest of his sisters, when they came for an office party. They're all like my sisters, so I've never flirted with them.

It's way past the time for lunch when the four of us finally get out of the water. Varun almost got lost in the strong current. He's lucky Karthi grabbed him right before he lost his footing.

We stop by a fast food shop on the side of the road and order a ton of omlettes and pav bhaji. Varun tries to hog the rest of the chips from the morning but I tackle him for it. 

"We should hit the pub early. I heard they're closing the road after 10 for construction", Rudra says as soon as we stop to change seats. I get behind the driving wheel and Rudra climbs on the passenger seat, leaving Varun and Karthi in the back.

"Yeah, I read it in the newspaper today", Karthi says.

So we head towards the pub to get drunk off our asses. But unlike all the time, this time Rudra offers to drive back. He's not drinking today since he has to wake up early tomorrow. He's going home for two days. Karthi decides to get drunk in his stead instead.

And before we know it, it's 9.30 and the three of us- Karthi, Varun and me, are on our eighth shot of vodka. And Varun made me try the new floral and fruit punch vodka which makes my breath smell like fucking flowers, but it's great, so I don't complain. We order food from their partner restaurant. By the time we're ready to leave, our stomachs are full and we can't walk straight.

Varun is all over the place when we exit the pub. He tries to climb on Karthi's back for a piggy back ride. But he pushes him away. I feel sorry for Varun so I decide to give him a piggy back ride. But almost immediately, I realise the problem. He is fucking heavy. Rudra throws us into the jeep, one by one. He throws me on to the passenger seat before buckling my seat belt. The last thing I remember is Varun singing the one direction song, "the story of my life". Even I sing along.

Varun proposes a thumb war with me from the back seat and that is how the both of us end up on the road, water splashed on our faces. Apparently I almost changed the gear when I turned around in my seat to fight Varun and we almost crashed into a milestone on