Chapter 53

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I walk towards my next class feeling my headache getting worse. My lack of sleep along with my nightmares every day weaken me more and more until I break and fall apart. Completely. Utterly.

The door is locked as we wait outside for Mrs. Stewart to come and let all of us in. I get a little far from them to gain some peace. I lean my head back, resting it on the wall and lock my eyes. I feel the exhaustion draining all my energy away, leaving me powerless.

"You look...horrible," A voice kind of familiar to my ears speaks.

"Fuck you," My eyes snap open wandering around me to detect my suspicion. His voice is distant though I can feel the effect of it all over me. My heart is beating faster and my breath is swallower while I gaze around in the hallway.

A chuckle is heard before the boy speaks again. "I'm just saying what I'm seeing."

I walk to the corner and slowly pop my head out to see another corridor unfold in front of me. I recognize Cyle standing a few feet away from me and my eyes follow the direction of his. And then, I see him.

It's been a few days since I last saw him. After our fight, we didn't see each other. Instead of being freed to tell him what I felt, to get the answers I wanted, I felt betrayed and more hurt than before and by his looks, I know he feels the same way.

His eyes are locked as his head is leaned back in the wall. His gleaming blonde hair is tousled and his whole body is tensed. The muscles underneath his shirt are clenched full of anxiety. He seems to be tired. I don't think I have ever seen him like this before.

"What is going on man?" Cyle asks cocking his head to the side. "She's just a chick like the rest,"

"Don't call her that," Corbyn retorts keeping his eyes closed.

"Fine, she's a girl. I don't remember you ever reacting this way. You slept with them, they got over heels for you but you never did. Have fun and move to the next, remember?" Corbyn stays silent not looking at his friend.

"I don't understand you,"

"I don't ask you to," Corbyn mutters.

"What is different about her? Before her, you were just fine and now look at you!" Cyle grunts.

"Shut the fuck up, I don't ask for your goddamn opinion."

"Oh...you're worked up, I see. Just answer me this," Cyle proposes. "Are you in love with her?'

Silence blanks the distance between them and I feel my heart ache. I'm in love with him and he can't even lie at least after everything he made me go through. Tears appear in my eyes when Corbyn's open and meet Cyle's.

"Yes," My heart flutters at the sound of the words and for a small moment, I imagine how our lives would be if his parents weren't fighting in court, if he didn't lie, if we were okay. Happy together.

Cyle's chaw reaches the floor and it takes him a few seconds to find the words. "Are you serious? You're in love with her?"

"I don't have the time to be fucking repeating myself!"

"Then why you're like this? Did she cheat on you or something?" Corbyn's eyes snap open and stare at Cyle. His eyes are burning, sending draggers towards him.

"Don't you dare say those words to me," He threats with clenched teeth. Even the idea fills him with rage but there's no way I would have looked at anyone else when we were together. I don't even gaze at others now.

"Do you think she's worth it? Man, I have never seen you like this. Ever. Don't let her ruin you,"

"She didn't. I did," He mutters and my eyes disconnect from his figure. I turn in my wall feeling tears run down my cheeks. He knows he did.

"What is that suppose to mean?"

"It means for the first time I was happy. So fucking happy that I couldn't believe it but I had to go and destroy everything."

"Did you break up?"

"I don't know..." I don't know either. I'm afraid to ask him or myself that question. I'm more terrified of the answer than learning it the very first time I asked him what we were. He left me then and now, we only came so far only to be broken up again.

"Okay, so it's over, then move on. Do you know how many girls are in this school?"

"I don't want any other girl. I want her,"

"Why?"

"When you fall in love, you'll understand."

"I think that's just bullshit," Cyle disagrees but Corbyn doesn't seem to mind.

"I thought it was too," Corbyn's words stuck in my mind and I recall his words. He claimed he couldn't control what he was feeling, he didn't want to admit the truth until he just gave in. His words are only pure evidence of how much he might,

"You have changed," My thought is completed by Cyle's words. I think he has but his evil plan doesn't allow me to put my faith and confidence in those words. He hasn't changed. All was nothing but a lie, a well-played act that fooled me.

"I know," Corbyn whispers without any traces of self-pity, embracement or shame coloring his words like I had assumed.

"For the worst or for the better, that's the question."

"Both,"

"I don't know...you have become soft on me."

"Do you want me to beat the shit out of you to feel differently?" Corbyn suggests causing his friend to laugh.

"No thanks, I'm good."Cyle laughs. "Do you think you'll get back?" He questions after a moment.

"Depends,"

"On what?"

"Her forgiveness."

"Well, I don't know but if she's in love with you too, doesn't that mean she'll forgive you?"

"I don't know," Corbyn whispers with clear desperation echoing in his low voice. "The one thing I know is that I fucking love her so much. I have never loved anyone so quickly, so goddamn passionately. I'm thinking about her all the time, so much that I think I'm losing my mind. I see her crying and my heart splinters. I want to make her happy like he made me so freaking happy that nothing else mattered. Not my father or my mother that doesn't give a shit about me. I stopped caring even one bit when I knew that she did. I want her so much that my body hurts whenever I see her around ignoring me. You say that I look terrible but have you glanced at her? She's hurting so fucking much and it's all my fault. I did this to her. I caused this."

Cyle looks bewildered at the reaction and words of his friends and so am I. My lips are parted and I stare at this broken demon before me. He looks so hurt, desperate, maybe even afraid. I surely didn't expect this.

"What did you do?"

"It doesn't matter what happened. And to be honest, I don't even know myself. I planned everything and then I fell for her, hard. She learned the truth when I had decided that I'll never tell her. I didn't want to be that person I was when she met me."

"Her pain is bigger than her love...You're screwed." Cyle admits.

"Don't I know it?"

"Come on guys!" I hear Mrs. Stewart's voice and I return to my reality. I get into the class with his words replaying themselves in my head. A part of me feels empathy cause I can feel this kind of pain too. This fear of not knowning how things will evolve, this desperation of not having the answer, the fake hope of dreaming how life would have been if nothing had happened. I know because I feel the exact same way. However, the biggest part of me is so hurt that I can't forget a single thing. I can't just let go of the way he used me, broke me, left me. He caused this dooming us both in great misery.

"Hey," A tall boy grins as our eyes meet.

"Jace," I return the smile.

"How have you been?"

"Okay, I guess." I murmur. "You?" I ask not wanting to dig into this further.

"I'm good. I just wanted to check up on you," He admits while we walk after the end of school.

"Check up on me?" Did Corbyn make him do this?

"After that night," He explains remembering the moment I was hiding with him from Corbyn at that party. "I sort of watch you a bit,"

"Watch me?"

"I know it sounds weird but I know you guys are taking some time apart and I wanted to see how you're doing."

"Oh, I'm adjusting. I think," I add.

"You don't sound so sure," He notices.

"I'm not,"

"So you broke up?"

"I don't know to be honest. We broke up, we're taking a break? I don't know," He doesn't say anything after that. My life is complicated right now, so messy.

"Can I tell you something?" He stops walking and I notice we have reached the football course. I didn't even notice before. Boys are running up and down warming up and I can't help but recall the last time I was here after school, with him.

"I like a girl but I don't know if I should tell her." My eyebrows furrow in confusion.

"Why not?"

"It's complicated, she's my best friend," He adds after a silent instant.

" I get it," I state nodding. "You want to confess your true feelings because you want to be more than just friends but at the same time, if she doesn't feel the same way, you're scared you'll ruin your friendship. And the truth is you can never really go back to how things were before."

"Exactly," His eyes are stuck in mine as if he's searching my eyes for an answer that my lips don't offer. "How...how do you know?"

"I've been through this,"

"Really?" He doesn't believe me as he narrows his eyes.

"I had a life before I came here, you know,"

"So?"

"He was one of my friends," He stares at me wanting to know the ending of a story that resembles his own. "We knew each other since childhood. We started dating because it was like we owned to ourselves to see if we could be more..." My voice fades as I remember my life before. That young boy.

"And?" He asks pulling me out of my inner thoughts.

"And then my parents passed away and everything just changed. I left my home, came here and tried to build a new life. Anyway, we were together for a bit but I don't know it wasn't...it wasn't..." I ramble looking for the right words to say and describe the way I felt back then. "It wasn't..."

"Passionate?" The word shakes my whole existence. Passion. I stare at those grey eyes and for a moment, I wonder why they aren't magic blue.

"No, it wasn't passionate," I agree softly while I keep saying the word inside my head.

"Jace!" A voice shouts turning us to look. A boy waves at him my eyes though travel to another boy that stands a few feet from him. Blue captivating eyes pierce into mine, drinking me all in, sinking in me, marking me in every possible way.

And then, just like this, everything becomes unbelievably clear. Passion. I felt desire, lust, love, and passion with him. I felt so many emotions crushing through my body making me alive. He gave me the kind of love that everybody wants; but very few have the chance to live. A love that consumes your whole existence, frees your heart and soul, gives you oxygen like you never had taken it before. He gave me a passion that lighted in my veins like a drug, sweet expectation of waiting an hour after hour to see him.

I know exactly why I fell in love so recklessly, rapidly, absently, imprudently, insensibly with my demon.

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