HÅKON

He's frustrating. That's it. He's just straight up frustrating. I can't have him, he won't let me have him now. Not until he thinks I've got everything figured out. The problem is, I do. I definitely do. I have my shit together.

It's just, I figured it out differently than he did, and I'm not the same person as him, so it's not showing up like his does. I'm different, so this whole thing is different for me.

I just don't get why he's been acting so skittish around me for the last couple of days. Like the second I appear he's nervous and gets out as quick as possible.

"Pay attention, Rex." Nico pokes me in the side.

"Sorry."

"Seriously, what's got your head all up in a tussle?"

"Nothing."

"Rex, come on, something is clearly wrong."

"No, no, just tired, I'm good."

She raises her eyebrows and then sends me into the drill.

It goes like that for about another half hour until our goalies are back and the forwards are back on the ice. That means Rocket. He's shoving around with Fen, the two of them shooting quick banter back and forth.

God, what the hell am I even doing.

I wipe the bottom of my chin off on my jersey and catch him looking.

I watch him skate off, shaking his shoulders and his legs to get all his gear exactly right on him.

He slides to a stop in goal and taps the posts, grabbing the front of his helmet and adjusting it again.

Then he bends over and gets four quick shots from Finnican. He stops three out of the four, and the fourth only goes in because he's busy with the third. It's incredibly attractive how quickly he's able to move to get these.

"You're staring." Nico is standing next to me.

I flush and clear my throat. "What?"

"Staring. You're staring at Rocket."

"I'm watching Finnican take shots, I-"

She narrows her eyes. "Alright, sure."

"You two are scaring me."

"What do you mean?"

"You and Rocket have been suspicious all day." I force a laugh. "First you and him in the locker room and then he was acting weird, and now he's still acting weird."

She shrugs. "Dunno, just ask him."

"I've been trying, he just doesn't want to stick around long enough for me to ask anything." I roll my eyes at her.

"Then trap him somewhere, works with Fen," she waves her hand. "Stop being fussy and go join the drill."

So I do, and I'm able to do everything just right until I have to shoot on him. Then his eyes don't leave me. They can't, he can't stop paying attention because I'm shooting.

I do, I stop paying attention because he's watching every bit of me move and suddenly I'm burning up. Rocket takes a stab at the puck and catches me off guard, causing me to crash to the ground, taking the hit with my shoulder and hip.

"You good?" He hollers at me.

"Yeah, fine." I groan, standing back up again. Then he's busy with the next person and I feel my head get a little pissy with him for not checking if I'm alright again.

"What was that all about?" Rod gives me a once over. "He didn't even touch your skate."

"Uh, I caught an edge." I lie through my teeth. He seems to find that acceptable and I line back up again.

Nico's watching me from the side, and I can see a little smirk through her helmet. She glances at Rocket, then back at me. She's got to know. There's nothing about the way she's acting that's telling me she's still confused about this.

I take another pass through the drill then act like I need water, cornering her by the bench.

"Do you know?" I blurt.

She kicks a puck back to Fen. "What do you mean?"

"Do you know? Is that why you and Milo have been acting so weird all day? Is that what's up?"

"Milo, huh?"

I flush pink and don't say anything.

"For your information, and so that you don't literally kill him, I figured it out. He didn't tell me."

I feel myself curl up a little on the inside. "How the hell did you figure that out, I've never been-"

"Nobody's ever figured it out, yeah, I know. But listen, if you're going to keep that down, stop staring at him like he's a cookie just out of reach."

"What?"

"You're not at all as smooth as you think." She looks around. "Come with me."

"What?"

"FENRIR!" She hollers. He whips around. "I'm stealing him, tell Hadley I had something to go over with him."

He gives her a thumbs up.

"Why the hell do you have to take me off the rink?"

"Because I don't want to out you?" She pushes open the door then follows me off, taking me to the break room.

"It's not a big deal, you know now, what else is there to say?" I sit down, pulling my helmet off.

"No, I brought you in here to tell you that if you want me to be the only person that figures it out, you gotta stop being so incredibly readable."

"What?"

"Let me make you a list," Nico lets out a little laugh. "You get cocky when he's around because you're showing off, you've never dated anyone nor tried to date anyone female, but that's going to be a hard one to fix. You're quiet and secluded, I assume that's because of this, and by god, Rocket sleeps on your shoulder on the plane rides. He naps on you."

I sit there quietly for a moment. "Why the fuck are you paying attention to that though?"

She lets out a small burst of laughter. "Because when Rocket came out to me, he told me there was a guy that he was almost dating. He's never mentioned anyone outside of the team that he's friends with, and you and Steph are closest to him. Steph is clearly not it because he's dreamy in love with that girl. You were the other option so I started keeping a close eye on you." She shakes her head. "I was between you having really bad friendship butterflies or you being into him. Friendship butterflies don't really exist."

I chew the inside of my lip. "How long have you known?"

"Maybe a week."

"Have you told anyone, you know, discussed it?"

"Nobody but Rocket. Not even Fen."

I nod. "Don't tell anyone, please?"

"Yeah, you can trust me. I wouldn't do that to you. You're not Rocket."

I toy with a piece of tape falling off the grip of my stick. I can't help it after a minute, dropping my head into my hands.

"Hey, hey," she's next to me in a moment. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, fine."

She pulls me into a hug from the side. "What's wrong?"

I shake my head, the weight of the last weeks hitting me full force, everything I've done, everything that's happened, the amount of people I've told. I can't take it back now. I can't go back to living my blissful quiet life without anyone knowing. I can't go back to when I was safe, to when I didn't have the unstoppable inclination to come out because of the confidence he's given me. Suddenly I'm unsure of everything and anything I've done, scared I'm not ready yet, scared that he's right, that I'm not ready. Scared that I might not ever be ready. "Everything just got really overwhelming, that's it."

"That's not all of it, but I'll take it."

I let her hug me for another couple seconds before speaking up. "It's just, I, I didn't think I'd have to deal with it, I thought..." I trail off.

"You know you couldn't have ignored it forever. You have to know that."

"I know, I know, but god I wish I could."

"What happened?" She knows that I hate it for some unknown reason.

I don't speak. "I was told it wasn't okay from a very young age, I can't get rid of the hate they gave me."

"I'm sorry."

I'm fighting back tears. I can't go back out there after crying, they'll notice.

I can't help it after a few more moments, buckling under the pressure. She lets me cry into the front of her jacket.

Nico brushes the hair back from my forehead. "I think you need Rocket."

I just nod.

"You can't live the rest of your life like this." I sit up, wiping off my eyes. "Who was it?"

"What?"

"Who did it? Who told you it wasn't okay?"

I feel my chest shake. "I, I-"

"If you don't want to tell me, that's alright."

"No, no, it," I take a deep breath. "I knew forever, ever since I was like, coherent, I've known. I told my parents when I was barely eleven. They, I don't remember anything of what they actually said, but, but they sat me down for probably two hours and gave me a hundred thousand reasons why I'm an awful person for it."

Her mouth makes a little 'o' shape. "I, wow, and you're still recovering?"

"Never started recovering. I just ignored it."

She looks at the door. "Then Rocket."

I nod. "Then Rocket."

"Hey," She makes me look at her. "I know you're probably not going to ever be all the way comfortable with it, especially after all that, but you're safe here on this team, alright? Fen and I won't let anything touch you and Rocket."

"I hate that it's still seen as something bad enough that I need protection."

"I know, but we're not hate-free yet. There's always someone that hates something."

I nod. "Sorry I had a meltdown."

"No, you're alright. I get it, this is a lot for you."

"Yeah."

"Hey, and if Rocket's pissing you off, I can make him do extra drills."

I roll my eyes, laughing for a second. "Rocket's always pissing me off. It's what he does best."

"You know, it really seems like that." She ruffles my hair. "Get yourself some water and get back out there when you're ready."

"Thanks."

She closes the door but opens it again after a moment. "Hey, Yeti?"

"Yeah?"

"Just fucking kiss him, for cripes sake. You're never going to be as open about it as him, and I don't think he realizes that's just who you are. He's dying to get with you."

I flush. "Oh, I-"

"Trust me." 

***

but the wind has changed,

my walls are weakening,

they're gonna fall soon,

and i'm gonna need you

walls (naked edition) -ruben

***

did i get myself a fancy gaming keyboard so I can write while producing as many clicking noises as humanly possible? yes. Was it also because I literally gave myself carpel tunnel this summer because my school macbook's keyboard is just a little too small for my baseball glove hands? yes. is the rgb programmable lighting also a benefit? absolutely.

-rabid