this is also, absurdly long

ROCKET

We do the next leg of the trip in casual slow conversation, catching up on things. He's an engineer in Prague working in, you'll never guess, drainage and dams. I joked that he should meet Steph and then realized he wouldn't understand that joke so I left it where it was. After that we sort of made our way back to the topic around my family and he didn't really give me any more information about anything that had actually happened, nothing about my father, nothing about Roman, nothing. Just loose conversation.

    "Alright," I park the car in front of the house he directed me to. Jan's. About a mile down the street is where I grew up and my heart is in my throat, begging me to go walk that mile just to look at the green siding again.

    But, not yet, apparently.

    "Yeah, alright," he pulls in a breath. "I hope Jan is okay with random visitors."

    I shrug, stepping out of the car, glad to be rid of the automatic engine for the time being, and walk my way up to the door, anxiety burning through me but stupid stupid stupid excitement tuning it out.

Matyáš trails me, clearly far more nervous than I am.

    I'm the one that knocks. The Svoboda's still have the same welcome mat they did and the front door is even the same color, just a little time-worn. There's a clatter in the kitchen.

    "Coming!" there's a shout. I can't help but smile, that's the same shrill yell of none other than Basia Svoboda.

    The door opens and I'm met with the same short commanding woman I knew ten years ago. She's got the same quirked eyebrows and dull hair.

    Her eyes flit behind me. "Matyáš?"

    "Hey," he manages.

    "Who's..." she turns to me, then, shock. Her features roar to life, scanning me up and down. "By god you look like your father, Miloš."

    It's not what I was expecting to hear but I'll take it. Basia throws her arms around me, bringing me into a tight hug that I also wasn't expecting.

    "Hi," I mumble, hugging her back. "Long time, no see?"

    "You don't get to say that, mister." She points her finger at me. "Pulling a stunt like that on all of us, come on, in in, both of you, lord knows it's been too long since I've seen you too, Matyáš." She shushes us through the doors and then I'm being inspected again. "You're a spitting image of the man, Miloš, how's your mother?"

    "Doing well," I respond. "She lives up in Canada with me now."

    "Your accent is horrific."

    I laugh. "It must be. Everyone I've talked to today has said the same."

    She tuts her tongue at me, then: "Jan, Reyna, and my husband went to get groceries about a half hour ago, but I'll call them back in, I'm sure you want to see your sister."

    "My what?" I spurt.

    "Oh, Mrs Svoboda-" Matyáš starts. "He doesn't..."

    "No, no, hold on," I look between them. "What?"

    "Uh," Mrs Svoboda looks to Matyáš, then back to me. "I-I don't think this is our spot."

    "Would someone please explain to me what the hell is going on?" I finally muster up the frustration to say it. "I've been here for three hours and suddenly like 800 things are happening that I can't explain."

    "Uhm," Mrs Svoboda rubs the back of her head. "Let me just call them, I think." she pulls out her phone and dials, before answering and managing just a few sentences before hanging up. "They'll be back in fifteen, meanwhile, let me get you two some tea and let you get to explaining why you left."

    "You don't know either?" I ask. "Did he not tell anyone?"

    "No, of course not, he was a wreck, could barely get out of the house for church on Sundays."

    I frown. "Seriously? And..."

    She puts the pot on the stove, it's still an atrocious baby blue color. "We all just thought that Helen and him had something violent going on behind closed doors, why she took only you, we were never sure. It seemed like she was playing favorites."

    I open my mouth, looking to standing awkwardly in the kitchen near us. "He... he kicked me out because I'm gay, unlabeled, technically, but I didn't figure that part out until recently. He disowned me."

    Mrs Svoboda pauses what she's doing, the teacups halfway out of the cabinet. "That doesn't make any sense."

    "My legal name is Stojanović, not Matějčk." I say. "Mom had to take me somewhere else because he was going to kick me completely out of the house, leave me kinda homeless at thirteen. Mom's only friend that wasn't like, right here, lived in Whitby, Ontario. So we moved to Canada."

    Basia shakes her head. "No, that doesn't make any sense. Miloslav wouldn't do that."

    "But he did." I mutter, irritated that nobody is willing to understand that my dad would do something like that. "But he did. And I was thirteen. And I moved to Canada and I didn't know a damn lick of english and he did all that to me because I got a crush on a boy."

    She shakes her head, hands shaking around the teacups. "But not Miloslav. Not after... it just makes no sense."

    "That's what I was saying," Matyáš pipes up. "How could he do that to his first son and go through all that and then..."

    "It's just..." Mrs Svoboda shakes her head. "I guess he was like that when he was younger but not after he met your mother and then all that-"

    "But he did!" I bring my hands into the air, mad that I'm spending my first conversations back here being pissy with the people that raised me but they just don't fucking understand. "But he did. He did it. That's what happened. He said it to my face that I'm a good for nothing-" I can't bring myself to utter the slur but I force my voice through it anyway. "And I was going to burn in hell for the rest of eternity and he didn't want to be anywhere near that."

    The two of them gape at me, truly genuinely shocked.

    "Apparently you didn't know my father as well as you did," I mumble, not wanting to make eye contact with anyone.

    "Right," Mrs Svoboda mumbles. "I, I think you need to talk with him, and Reyna, and... I dunno, just, they'll be back sooner or later. What's it like in Canada? What do you do for work up there? Surely you're just as smart as your parents."

    I give a terse smile. "I'm in pro hockey."

    "Oh? Do you do finances or marketing or something like that?"

Matyáš stifles a laugh.

    "No, no," I respond. "I'm in net."

    She claps a hand over her mouth. "What?"

    "Yeah," I shrug. "I play in the pros."

    "No way, you have to be messing with me," she smacks my arm lightly, just like my mom does when I do something random like this. "Do you have pictures? Anything?"

    "Yeah, of course." I pull out my phone and tap my way through into my instagram, then hand it to her. "There we go."

    "Twenty thousand people follow you?" she looks back up at me. "That's more people than in this town, Miloš. You do know that, right?"

    I nod. "Yeah."

    "Who's this?" she points at the screen, the first photo, the someone get Håkon a girlfriend so he doesn't have to bring his goalie places post.

    "That's Håkon Rex, he's my starting left defenseman," I say. "And he also happens to be my boyfriend, but nobody is allowed to know that."

    "Awh," she attempts to zoom in on the photo. "He's tall."

    "Yeah," I shrug. "And-"

    "Pale." She adds.

    I laugh. "Yeah, pale. Here, if you scroll a row down, that's my best friend. His name is Steph and we met when we were sixteen, both playing in Major Juniors. He's been with me on every team since. We're a league package deal."

    "Where does he play?"

    "Right defense," I respond. "He holds the current record for fastest skater."

    "He's adorable." Basia is squinting gently at the screen. "Looks like he gives good hugs."

    "Yeah," I respond, "and then that there below him is opening night of this last season, I didn't start but that's because our other goalie is a future hall of fame type of player."

    She nods and I keep talking her through what happened post moving to Canada until the door opens again.

    ***

    "Milo!" I hear Jan's sharp voice and I turn around away from his mom. He crosses the room in three strides and pulls me into another hug. "Goddamnit you're taller than me."

    "Shortie." I punch his shoulder. "Matyáš takes the cake, though."

    "Matyáš?" He turns around. "What are you doing here buddy? I haven't seen you in years!"

    "Uh," he gives a tense shrug. "I met up with him in Prague."

    "Really? What are you doing off in Prague? Last time I heard from you you were still in school."

Matyáš gives another shrug. "I'm a civil engineer, I work there."

    "Shut up, no way."

    "Good to see you again, Miloš," Mr Svoboda puts his hand on my shoulder, giving it a sharp pat. "You look exactly like your father did at that age."

    I still have no idea what that means, really, but I'm not truly paying attention to him. I peek around Jan's shoulder to the only person I haven't spoken to yet.

    Her dark hair falls in waves around her shoulders, her eyes, a sharp green. I stare for another second at her angular nose and tense expression before stepping around Jan and stepping toward her.

    "I'm Mil-"

    "I know who you are," she responds. "I don't believe it, really, but I know who you are."

    I frown. "I assume you're... Reyna."

    "That I am." She responds, still staring up at me.

    "I feel like you're angry at me for something," I slip my hands into my pockets. "Which doesn't make sense considering I've only just met you."

    "Well of course I'm mad at you for something," she's still making unwavering eye contact with me. "You got to go frolic off to Canada and I was stuck with dad."

    "God." I groan. "All of you. Not a single one knows what actually happened and it's starting to get on my nerves to explain it. And what the hell do you mean, dad, I haven't heard a damn lick about Roman and I'm starting to think he's dead and I also kinda assumed that by Reyna they were talking about some kid that my dad had with someone else which didn't strike me as that goddamn unlikely considering the type of man he is and-"

    She grabs my arm and pulls me toward the door. "You're just fucking like him."

    "I'm not!" I say the second she's got me out the door. "I'm in no way like that piece of shit of a man and I refuse to let you tell me I am!"

    "No!" She grabs my shirt and shakes. "You can't put two and two together when they're shoved in front of your eyes you dumb idiot. I'm Roman for fucks sake!"

    I stop moving, staring at her. "What?"

    "I'm fucking-" she slams her hand into her head. "You never fucking had a brother you had a sister, I'm trans."

    I gape at her. "Oh,"

    "Don't you dare start pulling that transphobic shit out on me-"

    I don't even let her finish, instead looping my arms around her back and hugging like my damn life depends on it. Her hands come up around my shoulders and I set my head on hers.

    "I-I'm sorry, I should've known," I mumble, holding tight. "I fucking... I've spent years thinking about, shit, about coming back here to reintroduce myself to you and when nobody said anything about the you I thought I needed to find I was starting to think you were gone or something awful had happened but no, no, thank fucking god." I let a tear slip out of my eye. "Shit I'm so sorry."

    "I missed you," she mumbles into my shirt. "I don't even remember much about you and it kills me but I missed you."

    She pulls back from me, wiping off her eyes with her shirt sleeve.

    "So, I-" I try to start but she cuts me off with a hand.

    "Now you're going to explain this to me as simply as you can because I can't have another person try to tell me it was mom's doing, I refuse to believe that, but why did you leave?"

    I purse my lips. "Are you going to believe me?"

    "Yeah, I hope so."

    "Because no one else has."

    "Just... talk." she sits down on the front steps and I sit next to her.

    "He kicked me out because I'm gay." I run a hand through my hair. "Unlabeled, or whatever, but, I didn't figure that out until recently. But I'm gay, gay as the day is long. He kicked me out because I told them about a crush I had on a guy. Disowned me, really."

    "I can believe that," she nods.

    "Thank god."

    "I guess nobody believed you because after you and her left, he kinda spiraled, you know the deal, and by the time I started living with him again, I had already mostly transitioned, I was twelve at that point, and he spent nights on nights on nights researching just because he didn't want to lose me the way he lost you. He was awful at first, kept fucking up pronouns, my name, everything, but, he tried so hard just because he couldn't handle losing me too."

    I sigh, setting my head on my knees. "So when did you know?"

    "Always have," she responds. "I always knew something was wrong, when I moved in with Jan and the Svobodas when dad got really bad, I got into a conversation with Basia, I was still ten at that point, and she took me to a gender specialist, they figured it out quickly and I was able to fully transition before puberty. It was a huge privilege, really."

    I nod. "I still don't really know how any of that works, the whole hockey thing has really really alienated me from the community. The most gay people I've been around in my entire life was the wedding I was at just last week."

    She pulls in a breath. "I kinda assumed as much, with you. It's a relief you're not who I thought you were going to be when we eventually found each other again. I thought you were going to be like the rest of them."

    "M'not, never will be. How was everyone else?"

    "It's..." she takes a moment. "The whole transitioning thing was easy for me at ten. I picked Reyna based off a book character and I grew out my hair and just started hanging out with the girls. The school actually did really well with it. The parents? Not at all. Now I guess I'm here."

    "Honestly I expected parents around here to be just as bad as Dad." I finish, then smile. "I always kinda figured my genes would be fucking stunning as a woman," I lean back against the steps. "I was right."

    Her eyes go wide, turning to me, not sure whether or not to laugh. "Milo-"

    "That was a joke, I hope I didn't offend you."

    "No, no," she manages, still stunned. "You're good."    

    "So what's going on with you? It's been a while, what's happening?"

    "I'm in college, actually, out in Prague, with Jan, he's in his fifth year, I'm in my second."

    I frown. "You better not be getting with Jan Svoboda, I might not have known you for a good chunk of time but I'm gonna tell you that's-"

    She's blushing.

"Reyna," I let out a disappointed little hum. "You're kidding."

    "I'm not dating him."

    "Don't pull out the married or engaged card on me right now. I do not have time for my sister to have been married before I even kissed someone."

    "No, no," she shakes her head. "Now I wouldn't mind-"

    "Rey!" I laugh.

    "What! If you're gay then you must know that's-"

    "I know Jan's attractive!" I laugh. "He's the guy I had a crush on, the crush. Not the one that got me in the most trouble, that was Hyrek, but that bitch is so hot he got me kicked out of the country."

    "Oh god," Reyna's laughing.

    I lean back further against the steps. "And yeah, he's attractive now, but my type has shifted a little bit."

    "And what is it now?"

    I smile. "Tall, chronically angry, pale, Swedish, missing two teeth, preferably a left defenseman."

    She raises her eyebrows. "Now are you going to show me photos yes or no?"

    I shuffle and pull my phone back out again, this time going for my camera roll instead. "This is Håkon, we've been dating for about six months, could've been longer but we're stubborn like that." I hand her the phone, open to one that Isa took of us dancing together at the wedding.

    "Awh," she smiles. "He seems sweet."

    "He is," I let her hand my phone back to me. "A bit of a mess but sweeter than honey."

    She nods. "How did you meet? I mean, can't've been easy with the hockey thing."

    "We met in the preseason and I kinda pulled the stage four clinger on him. We hit off well and I accidentally came out to him, I was blackout drunk you can't blame me, and then, ya know, he just randomly kissed me."

    She laughs. "Just like that?"

    "Uh, I mean, there were more steps, but sorta."

    Reyna just shakes her head at me, then stretches her arms up. "So do you want to talk to dad or do you want to avoid that?"

    I shrug. "I guess I need to, I mean, I'm not sure what I've decided on whether or not to forgive him for all that, he kinda did give me permanent psychological damage, but, I wanna have him back, you know? Just to be able to say I've got a dad somewhere. See him again before he dies or something of the sort."

    She winces. "Yeah, I figure you're not too happy with him. Same thing with me and Mom."

    "Why are you mad at Mom?" I turn to her, confused.

    "I dunno, it... I've spent ten years sitting here thinking she picked a favorite kid and ran. I know better now, she had to take you somewhere else lest you be without a family but I'm still mad she didn't even attempt to stay in contact with at least me."

    I nod. "I... yeah. I'm sorry."

    Reyna pulls in a long breath. "Is there a reason she's not here with you?"

    "She doesn't even know I'm here," I mumble. She's frowning at me, doesn't quite understand where I'm going. "I guess she was so heartbroken after what happened she mentally blocked out everything that had to do with you two, cut it all off and focused on me. She made it as easy on me as she possibly could, minimized all the trauma I could've gotten from that, it's not not there, but, it's not as bad as it could be. She's shot me down every time I try to bring up this idea, but, I guess this year was kinda a catalyst."

I pull in a breath. "My best friend has a younger sister, her name's Jilly, she's fourteen, they're nine and a half years apart. From the moment I met her when she was still 7, she reminded me of you in almost every way. This year was big for the two of them and he decided he was going to lobby for a no motion clause in his contract so he could live with her out in Regina and put her through high school there, get her out of the way of his, equally as shitty, situation with his parents. So, it, it all kinda came together in one big thing, if I came back and Dad was still a dick I've got the resources to get you out if you wanted, bring you out to Regina with Mom and I, and if he's no longer a dick by some miracle, then I've got both parents again."

    She nods, scraping the toe of her shoe against the steps. "Well, then, you got lucky, I guess. I've been without