prenote: I'm redoing this mostly because it makes no canonical sense for PC to have the ending scene and STTM to have this. for now this is what it looks like and I'm planning on keeping dialogue and switching characters. 

ROCKET

"Steph?"

"Yeah?" He's mostly asleep, so his response is groggy and slow.

"I'm in up to my eyes with this guy and I can't get him off my head, what the hell do I do?"

"I'm assuming you can't tell me anything about him still, like you've been doing." 

"Yeah."

"So, what's going on with it?"

"I told him about a month ago that we shouldn't be dating, you know, because he's not ready for it, not accepted it for himself. Right?"

"Smart move."

"Right, so I just, he's been driving me up a wall."

"How so?"

"I don't know, it's like he's fucking taunting me all the time, I mean, he's not. Everything else about him is, though."

"What?"

"Okay, I know August is a touchy subject right now-"

"Right." His answer is cold.

"Right, I know, I'm sorry, but has... has she ever turned you on so much you can barely function?"

He rolls over, lifting up off the sheets, hair sticking in every direction, eyebrows furrowed, just staring at me. "What?"

"Just answer the question." I run my hand through my hair.

He groans in a way I'm pretty sure is reserved for August. "Yes."

"Right, so you know the feeling, yeah?"

"If you're going to give me details about every which way that this dude is blue balling you, I'm going to put a pillow over my head. Or your head, depends on what you say."

"It's not entirely that, though, yes, that has sucked, but it's just, I feel bad because I don't know if he's ready or not, or if he'll ever be ready, or if I am, because hell, Steph, I haven't ever dated. I don't know what to do."

"So you're a little scared?"

"Yeah, and the hold is mostly because I want him to get better with this, with accepting it, but it's also because I don't know what to do in a relationship. I can barely keep myself alive, much less be like that with someone else."

"Are you asking me for advice right now?" He asks, he's confused. "Me, the guy you dragged from the depths of whatever all that was and got me to a goddamn mental hospital. Me the ex-alcoholic piece of garbage that you barely kept alive for two years? Now you're asking me for advice?"

"Yeah, that's what I'm doing."

He puffs out his cheeks and sits up, criss-crossing his legs. "What do you want to know?"

"How do I do it?"

"What?"

"All of it. Date. There's no instruction manual for it. I don't know what to do in that type of situation."

Steph shrugs. "You know I'm a romantic and I tell everyone that you just have to go with it. And hell, Rocks, you're the best person I know at just going with it. I don't know why you're worried. And what about Kelly?"

"Kelly and I only dated for like a week before I told her. We were just friends through all of that with you." He seems a little stunned by that one.

"So, why are you scared of him?"

"Because he's two years older than me, Steph. He's had hookups in the past and he seems to know exactly how to do all this. I'm blissfully ignorant compared to him."

Steph frowns at me. "So are you scared of being with him romantically, or being with him sexually, because that sounded like both."

"Both," I respond, "romantically because I made all these moves up front and decided the first part of our relationship, told him he needed to get better with it and then I'm going to get into the relationship and be clueless. He's going to be expecting me to know at least some of what I'm doing but I just don't. And sexually because hell I've never done this before. None of it. He has no idea but he was the first guy I've ever really kissed and all of everything I did for that first 24 hours was all guesswork. I only really guessed that I'm a switch and I could do either when really I just don't know. What if we end up getting there and I hate it?"

Steph shrugs. "Talk to him about it, I guess. You like him, right?"

"Yeah?"

"Then just be up-front with him. When the two of you decide that you're ready to start dating, that everything is alright with both of you, just sit him down and tell him. I'm sure he'll get it, and hell, I'm sure he's just about as scared as you are."

"But when is that? When do we start dating?"

"I have no idea. I'm not either of you."

"I just, I told him we should hold off but the longer I think about it the stupider it becomes. Then I think about it in a different way and it makes sense. I just don't know what's going on with us."

"Talk it out, Rocket. You seriously can't run away from that conversation. It'll be horribly awkward, but you just need to talk with him."

"I can barely look him in the eyes, how am I supposed to talk with him?"

"Why can't you look at him?"

"I don't know, I just can't."

"Well, god, Rocket, it's probably good you're not dating him right now, you gotta know how to be open with someone you're dating. That doesn't sound right at all."

"Yeah, I just, it was fine until that little day we dated and now it's just awkward because I can see that he's hurting because of it and I don't know how to help him and keep my distance."

"Wow, yeah, I don't know how to deal with that," Steph lets out a little laugh, "what even happened between you on that one day that's making keeping away from him so hard?"

"A lot," I sigh, "he came over on Christmas because we were both bored and then I started talking about getting him a girlfriend, he said he already liked someone and I pestered him about it. He basically described me, top to bottom."

"Cute, I guess."

"Yeah, and then we made out for like fifteen minutes and burnt the hell out of the cookies we were making."

"Shame about the cookies, but keep going?"

"Then I asked who he was out to, and it was three people. Me and his mom and dad. It's not my story to tell you, but his parents basically fucked him over."

"I get that."

"So I told him that maybe he should work on being comfortable with it, just that. We talked for a while and then I convinced him he should try to come out to his sister. She took it really well. Like, textbook well. So then because that was an emotional nightmare, we took a nap together on the couch. After all that happened, I let him stay over."

I see Steph's eyebrows go up.

"I swear it wasn't because I was planning this next part."

His eyebrows go further up and his eyes go wide.

"So we go to bed, and you know I sleep in boxers only, he does too. We already knew that about each other because of the campout thing, because the rooms got shuffled and he ended up with me instead of you."

"Right...?"

"So we're both... mostly... naked and sleeping next to each other, which was a lot for my baby gay ass."

"I can only imagine," Steph lets out a little huff of laughter, "if I had to sleep next to August in only boxers and her in only underwear and a bra I think I'd die."

"Right. Spot on," I wave my hand at him, "so then it was three am and his mouth was on me."

"Oh." Steph splurts, "oh."

"Not that bad, I mean, yet. We were just making out for a minute or two and then I decided that I knew enough about male anatomy to probably give head if I wanted to-"

Steph makes a gagging noise. "I didn't need that image."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I respond, "so I did and it seemed to be okay enough? He didn't complain."

"Yeah, no, you don't complain when you're getting your dick sucked, that's just how it works." Steph laughs. It's a little out of the ordinary for him to say something like that but I guess it's alright. "Even when it's sloppy it still feels wicked good."

"So it was probably shit, is that what you're telling me?"

"No, I'm telling you that most people aren't great at oral sex and some people are phenomenal. There's not really a scale. You're either normal or a wizard."

I let out a long sigh, he takes up the silence.

"Like, Aug, I love her but it could use a little tweaking here and there. Now, I don't give a fuck because I love her and she's absolutely adorable and I'd let her do it whenever she wanted-"

"So it probably sucked?"

"Chances are it wasn't the best he's ever had, but hey, sex is sex."

"You're really not making my insecurity about this any better."

"Okay, yeah, I know, so keep going?"

"So then, well first of all it tastes disgusting."

"I had assumed as much," He laughs, "August eats some crazy stuff, so when she asked me if she could spit it out, you know to make sure I wasn't going to be offended or whatever, I knew it had to be pretty crappy. Of course I told her it was fine and frankly she shouldn't do anything that she doesn't like-"

"We get it, Steph, you're vanilla."

He lets out a short gasp. "How dare you!" then he erupts in laughter. "I know, I know."

"Right, so it tastes bad. Salty, really salty. Point is, that happened and of course up until that day I'd never even kissed a guy, so I was in some crazy hormonal hyperdrive."

"Chewy, hit the hyperdrive! Brrr-" Steph does a Star Wars impression that makes me laugh.

"Right, exactly, I was on some crazy cloud-nine shit. And then he, well, you know, reciprocated-"

"He returned the favor?"

"Yeah, you know," I wave it off, "so I was already like, too deep, in this situation. I was barely functioning. It was morning wood plus stimulated plus the fact that I've never done this before so everything is new and fun and exciting."

Steph snorts. "So you were almost turned on enough to be legally intoxicated?"

"No, no, I had passed that benchmark."

"Uh-huh?" Steph lets out a snort. "I assume that got dicey?"

"Dicey is a good way to put it. I can just say I shot off so hard it came out his nose."

That makes Steph burst out laughing. He rolls backward on the bed, hand on his chest, laughing his ass off. "You're kidding."

"No, not kidding." that just makes him laugh harder.

He sits up after a minute, wiping off his eyes. "Oh my fucking god."

"Yeah, so, I, it wasn't pretty."

"No, I can't imagine," he lets out another quick burst of laughter, "so did it like come shooting out his nose or did it just drip or was there other factors involved?"

"No, I was really confused though. He stood right up and practically ran to find a kleenex and I was confused and flustered and everything fun up-top."

Steph's laughing again. "Oh my god I'll never be able to look at him in the eyes ever again. Jesus, I didn't think you could ruin an entire person, but I won't be able to look at him without thinking about that."

"Which might throw a wrench into the team dynamic, you never know."

"Right." Steph laughs, "so, keep going. I want to get this over with so I can act like it was a dream."

"Right so we cleaned up and went back to bed, just like that. Then we had a lazy morning and then went sightseeing around Regina. Right before lunch, my mom called and had me unclog her drain, you know, the usual," he nods in response, "so I brought him to my mom's to unclog the drain, then she invited us for dinner which he jumped on before I could kindly decline. After all that, we went back to my apartment."

"Hopefully not for round two, right?"

"No, not even close," I let out a long breath, "we ended up having a dual sided mental meltdown about all of it, in which we broke up."

"So you weren't even dating for a full 24 hours, huh?"

"No, not the full day."

"Wow, alright, so you can't look him in the eyes and neither can I. What can you do to fix it?"

"We'll find out, maybe. I'm not sure."

"I still think you should sit him down and go over all this, just because it seems to be haunting you."

"Yeah, I guess," I sigh, "but when?"

"Wait until we're back home, that's a long conversation for a road trip."

"Uh-huh," I lie down, looking up at the ceiling, "thanks for listening."

"No problem," I hear a yawn from the other side of the room, "night." 

"Sure." 

***

you only got a couple miles to go

if you're trying to drive me insane. 

i saw you crack a smile about a week ago

in the middle of the pouring rain.

shine on me - dan auerbach

***

yep