ROCKET

Seattle has to be one of my favorite cities to visit and it's not because I like the city, it's because Kelly lives here.

And I know it sounds stupid, but my ex-girlfriend and I still love hanging out while I'm in the city.

"Yets," I grab his sleeve and pull him into mine and Steph's hotel room instead of his. I'm already dressed to go, I got showered after practice and have everything set up to head right to Kelly's for a couple hours before getting back here to sleep before the game tomorrow.

"Hm?" He runs a hand through his soaking wet post-shower hair. His shirt is sticking to his chest and it takes my gay ass probably four extra seconds to process that.

"I'm going to Kelly's and you're coming with me."

"What?" He frowns. "Your ex from high school?"

"Yeah, she lives around here and I'm going to visit. You're coming along."

He still seems confused. "Why?"

"Because she wants to meet you? Just go put on pants and shoes I'll be over to your room in five."

He looks down at his shorts. "Do I have to put on pants? I just got out of the shower and all I have are slacks."

Yes, yes he does because his thighs are doing the pro hockey thing where the way he's got the top of his shorts is making the bottom lip of them ride up over the top of his thighs and bunch up in a funky way. Imagine regular athletic shorts but the way he's built is making them look like they're the wrong size even though I know the waistband on that is tied as tight as he can get it.

I clear my throat. "Whatever, but you're going to be cold."

"I'll just bring a hoodie."

"Yeah, go do that, I'll be right there."

He nods, then spins around to head back to his room.

Fucking hockey legs.

I get out my phone and throw a quick text to Kelly, just telling her I'm bringing someone different with me this year.

And then we're off. Kelly went to college out in Montreal so until this year I was visiting her while playing the Canadians, now it's while we're playing the Kraken.

Håkon seems less than thrilled with having to leave his pre-diner isolation time where I've found that he sits in his room on his phone doing practically nothing until we all meet to go eat.

But, it's good to have a copilot walking with me to try to find Kelly's apartment because both of us are having a rough go of it with google maps.

Eventually we think we've got it, knocking on a door.

Thank fuck.

"ROCKET!" Kelly throws her arms around me, giving me the half-strangle half-hug that I wait a year for.

"Kell!" I hug back. "How's Seattle treating you?"

"Absolutely great, how's Regina?" She ruffles up my hair, then spots Yeti. "Apparently it's treating you well. Hey, I'm Kelly."

Håkon looks awkwardly at her hand, then shakes it. "Håkon."

"Håkon" she repeats.

He purses his lips. "No, no, the a makes a sound like you're getting punched. Håkon."

"Håkon." she tries again.

He sighs. "Good enough."

Kelly glances at me. "Is this they mystery boyfriend you refused to give me details on? This is definitely the mystery boyfriend. Normally you bring Sags."

Håkon is pink all the way up to the tops of his ears. I don't respond quick enough so she takes it as a yes and flips her attention back to Rex. "He's huge." Is her comment. "And why no Steph this year? I miss the dude."

I purse my lips. "Steph just went through a shitty ass breakup and has been spending all his free time sleeping."

She gapes at me. "You didn't tell me Steph was in a relationship! In in, get in this apartment and then spill. God damn Rocket it's like becoming an athlete took away all your spare time to tell me your tea."

I frown. "That was literally what it did."

She just smacks my arm and drags us into the kitchen. From behind me I hear a tiny little Swedish mumble.

"So? Spill! Steph first though because he sounds like he needs a hug."

"He met August in September and didn't think she'd actually date him so he told her he was an engineer so she wouldn't do the puck bunny thing and then they actually started dating and she just found out about the whole hockey thing."

"How the fuck did he hide that?" Is her immediate response followed by: "and Jesus he's dumb why did he do that in the first place?"

"I don't know, don't ask me difficult questions." I respond. "They'll get back together I'm pretty sure but he's just sad about it right now."

Kelly looks over at Yeti, who's standing awkwardly in her kitchen, inspecting a little crack in the door of one of the cabinets like it's got his full and complete attention.

"Buddy, are you cold? You're in shorts."

"Hm?" He turns back toward us. "No, I'm good, thanks for asking though."

"Holy Swedish." Kelly mumbles under her breath.

"I know right." I respond.

"So," she speaks up. "What's the deal with you two? If you're the guy I'm 100% sure you are, things are interesting with you two."

I chuckle a little. "Interesting is a good word."

"I'm that guy," Håkon sighs.

"So, I'm guessing your head is kinda fucked." She stands up off a kitchen chair and approaches him, walking around behind him and inspecting him from all angles. Håkon stares at me while she does this, terrified but hiding it pretty well. I nod at him, telling him it's fine. This is just something she does.

Kelly stops walking, then hops up on the counter, sitting down, her legs swinging. She doesn't miss a beat before asking: "so your parents are kinda fucking shitty, huh?"

Håkon's head whips to me.

"I didn't say anything. She just knows shit. She majored in criminal psychology."

He frowns then turns back to Kelly. "I wouldn't say they were shitty, I mean, they weren't like others, but-"

"Stop excusing it," she says. "You've got tall guy slouch but you've also got the stance of a guy that's repeatedly been told he's in the way."

He's staring wide eyed at me and her like we're crazy. She rolls her eyes. "Your feet are really close together and your hands are in your pockets and your shoulders are caved in. Also your head is ducked. You're a giant trying to make yourself seem as small as possible." He self consciously tries to fix that but ends up making himself really uncomfortable and going right back to his little squished posture. "Also your expression, though confused right now, seems to have, by the lines on your face, always been settled on worried."

"Rocket, I don't like her." He mumbles, joking with me even though he's got a stone face.

Kelly looks at me, then back at him. "So? Spill, only if you want to though, I'm not trying to force you."

He sighs. "Catholic family." Is the only thing he has to say.

"Ouch." Kelly says. "How bad?"

"Catholic school." He responds. "No graphic t-shirts. No regular music. No T.V with swearing. No social media."

Kelly's jaw drops. "And they let you play hockey?"

"I came out at age 11 and after that they forced me to play as many sports as possible to un-gay me. It's a good thing I like it."

Kelly just nods. "That sounds like ass."

"Kinda just rubbed it in that all my national team friends would throw around homophobic slurs and shit all the time."

I pipe up. "Yeah, that was the OHL too."

Kelly glances between us. "You two definitely got the gay short straw, didn't you."

We nod in mutual agreement.

Håkon sighs. "Everyone kinda like, I dunno, but eventually all my teammates said the f-slur so much that it wiggled it's way into my own vocabulary, and I guess it's fine because I'm actually gay but looking back on that time I can't stomach that I actually said that type of shit on a daily basis."

Now this I didn't know. Kelly responds before I can. "Did you ever suppress it? I mean what your sexuality is. Did that environment make you ignore it?"

Håkon sighs. "Yeah. I didn't really remember that I was gay until after my first pro season. I had a girlfriend back in Sweden just to try to hide it and during that relationship I managed to convince myself most people have that hard of a time with being attracted to their girlfriends but it's just me."

"So you're gay gay." She lets out a soft laugh. "It's definitely a very very big spectrum and Rocket is kinda bisexual so he managed to be okay with the whole fake-dating me thing in high school and was actually really good at it, but you sound like you're completely opposed to anything related to dating the opposite gender."

He purses his lips. "Yeah."

"So tell me about it, ever dated anyone before Rocket or is he your first and what's going on with all that?" She leans forward, genuinely interested. I can tell that he's overwhelmed so I nudge Kelly, telling her we need to either sit or find a different way to approach this.

He surprises me though. "He's not the first. I sorta had weird hookups with people before him."

Kelly raises her eyebrows. "That's not the response I thought you might have, but I get it, you're, what, twenty five? You can't go that long without fulfilling that type of need."

He flushes pink.

"So, tell me about what happened with all that."

"It just kinda sucked, it wasn't anything new." He scratches the back of his head.

Her eyes narrow. "Are you avoiding it because Rocket is here?"

His eyes flicker to mine, then back to her. "Uh-"

"You are, aren't you." She laughs. "It's okay, you don't have to talk about that with him here, I get it."

Håkon sags in relief.

"So, you hate it, I assume?" Kelly asks. "I mean, you've repressed it for this long I assume you hate it."

He nods.

"And you've been mistreated in the past so that's probably why you're boarded up like a foreclosed home."

He glances at me.

"And you probably wish your dad was better to you, based off what you've said about your family."

He seems absolutely terrified.

"Kell-" I go to interrupt her but she says one last thing.

"What changed?"

Håkon's eyes flicker to me. "I don't... I don't know. Rocket, probably."

She nods. "Were you considering it before you met Rocket or is he the only reason you're not ignoring it anymore."

"I... I mean I..." He clears his throat, horribly overwhelmed. "I've always considered it, it's... it's always been an option, I've always wanted to be able to breathe with it, but I... I'm not the type of person that can just... be gay." His voice cracks.

"Sure you are. I mean, you already are."

He frowns. "Wh-"

"Listen Håks, you don't have to either be completely in the closet or completely out. It's not like your next step should be telling everyone."

His frown deepens a little. "But-"

"It's what Rocket has," Kelly suggests. "He's got a little bubble of people that now, me, you, Steph, his mom. That's good enough for him. It works. It's how he likes it. You don't have to leap into this, you can tiptoe slowly forward and that works too."

He considers this for a moment, watching me.

"Uh," there's a little pause and a flash of confusion on his face.

"Okay, new angle," Kelly starts. "Modern media portrays gay people like it's their kinda one defining personality bit, they've got to have short shorts and crop tops and rainbows everywhere and blah blah blah. This is obviously blatantly harmful to the community and adds to the stupidly irritating stereotype that gay people just hhhavvvee to make it their whole personality." She clears her throat. "You don't have to change a single damn thing about yourself to be gay. You don't have to change your style or change your personality, you sure as hell don't have to make your voice sound like that stereotype and you sure as hell don't have to get into make up and fashion and whatever else is expected of you just because you're into guys. You're just into them. That's how that goes. Nothing has to change about your life to be into guys. You're literally already a fully valid gay man."

He opens his mouth to respond, but closes it again. "Oh."

I turn away to get myself a glass of water so that he doesn't see the stupid little laugh I had to hide at his completely pure reaction to that.

"Look at Rocket," she gestures at me. "He's just like the rest of you, he's into hockey and all the same shit the rest of your heterosexual teammates are, the only difference is that he's into guys. It's just about as important of a deal as shoe size, as position on the team, as the color he likes his helmet cage."

Håkon opens his mouth, then shuts it. "I... never thought of it like that, I guess... I guess everyone made it seem like I'd have to give up stuff I like and start doing stuff I don't like."

She shakes her head. "Nope. Being gay is your thing to decide how to do. And maybe you do like some things about the stereotype and stuff, it's just about what you're comfortable and uncomfortable with."

He nods.

"Like," I interrupt, clearing my throat. "Like the crop top I own."

"The what?" He doesn't seem to believe this.

"I'll show you sometime."

Maybe he's had one too many concussions because his brain function seems to have stopped completely. Yeah, it's fucking adorable.

"You two are way too cute for my lonely ass." Kelly mumbles.

Håkon flushes all the way up to the top of his head, redder than a stoplight.

"Awh, thanks." I laugh, purposefully being bashful to embarrass Håkon even more. I skip across the kitchen and throw my arms around his shoulders.

"Rock-" he mumbles. "Rocket-"

I drop my arms, giving him a little shove instead. "Alright, Kell, now for the annual tradition of keeping my instagram followers convinced I have something going on with someone somewhere."

She grins, cracking her knuckles. "And for my coworkers to be impressed, again, that I'm supposedly getting my insides rearranged by a hockey player. Also we need to go more suggestive this year than last because my coworker has been trying to get in my pants and he needs to back the fuck off."

Håkon looks alarmed but decides not to comment. 

***

you know I think you're special

i know you got your schedules running you down

you fall down from my shoulders

you got me wishing I was older for you now

your nights alone

your left side cold

now where he gone?

he's in your tone

shoulders - golden vessel

***

i'm missing deadlines like storm troopers miss shots and it's not vouching well for online school