25: Progress

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ROCKET

So we spent the afternoon watching movies, ate dinner with my mom, then parted ways so I could go bother Steph and take a long shower to process all of what just happened with him. When I say long shower, I mean it, I mean sitting on the floor and staring into space for probably forty five minutes.

Steph is tied up with August, they're beautiful together, really. I opened his apartment door and he had his arm draped lazily around her waist, pulling her closer. We talked for a good minute, but I decided not to go against Håkon's trust by telling Steph. He'd never forgive me if I accidentally outed him. So I just told him that I hung out with him today. Then I let him and August be alone, he needs it. Lord knows she does too.

Then I overslept a little and busted my ass to the rink just in time for the morning stretch and conditioning.

Now I'm here, barely able to keep my eyes off Håkon's back as he runs, thinking about, for the hundredth time, how his hands felt on my skin. How he gripped my hips and pinned me to the sheets.

I catch him watching me too, but we're apart for most of the drills, so I never get to talk to him. He brushes against me all the time, maybe I'm just noticing it, but he spends a lot of time crazy close to me.

Halfway through one of the drills, Hadley has him mess around and play center. Then he's marking me hard, looking for a pass from anyone. I'm breathing down his neck, trying to look around him for what's happening. I'm breathing in the smell of his sweat off his gear and it's making me dizzy.

God, and his pads. Him in his pads. His shoulders get broader with the extra plastic. The pants come up high on him, going over his hips and mimicking his v-lines at the top. Every time he wipes his face on the bottom of his jersey I'm staring at the black undershirt he wears and dying over the way it's stretched across his skin.

He catches me watching him every single time he pulls up his jersey and I swear he does it more often than normal just to get me to look. It works. Every single time it works.

I'm utterly transfixed like so many times before with the way his body moves with so much ease yet so much raw power. The way he skates and the way he turns, every little movement he makes is driving me insane.

Then we're undressing for the day and I'm staring at his messy and wet white hair, curly from the heat and the humidity in his helmet.

He sits across from me in the locker room, and when he turns around to sit and take off his skates, I flush red, trying to refocus on my own gear. My chest piece comes off next and when I wrestle it off my head, he's watching, his hands on his skate, his eyes on me. I watch his cheeks flush with color, and he bites his lip, turning back to his skates. I push my hair out of my eyes and start to work on getting the blockers off. The undershirt is too tight on him. I know it's how he likes it, but it really shouldn't be allowed, for my sake and my sake only. I could list every muscle it's defining on him and every sin it's making me think about.

The room is clearing out, just us and Paxton, and Håkon is taking his sweet fucking time. Paxy knows that we want to be alone, I think. He gets out quickly and goes to join the team.

"Fuck." I let out a laugh, setting my head in my hands, elbows on my knees. "I need to figure out how to un-horny myself over you."

He snorts, but doesn't say anything at first. "God, why can't I talk to you suddenly."

"I don't know, but you sure did a great job of frustrating me all day." I wave at him. "You and your little jersey trick."

"Yeah, I noticed." He turns pink, then pulls the undershirt over his head in favor of a t-shirt and holy shit am I staring. He's sweaty and sporting a post-workout muscle swell that makes my stomach flutter.

"Holy fuck." It slips out of my mouth before I have a chance to stop myself. He turns around at that, looking at me.

"What?"

I pick my chin up off the floor, shutting my mouth. "Nothing." I run my hand through my gross hair.

"They're going to wonder where we are if we don't show up sooner or later." He's pulling a shirt on and I'm watching the fabric cover up his skin, one of my red marks lies on his chest still, lingering. I know I've got scratches on my side and one mark on my stomach.

"Yeah, yeah." I need to change my shirt, so I fumble and pull my undershirt off, getting the other one over my head as fast as I can. I glance behind me, catching his eyes on me the same as mine on him.

Then his hands are on my sides, finishing pulling down the shirt. My throat closes and suddenly I'm terrified of our situation right now.

"I didn't think you'd keep the braid, I'll be honest."

My breathing is choppy and I'm foggy in the head. "Yeah, I, I like it." I spin around in his arms, my hands coming to his chest. "You want to come over tonight?" I blurt.

"What?"

"We've got to work on you and at this rate I need it to happen fast as fuck." I wrap my fingers around his wrists and pull them off my sides, using every ounce of self-restraint I have not to slam my lips into his.

"Yeah," he breathes. "Yeah. I'll come over, when?"

"Right after we're done here. Go home, shower, then mine for dinner." I back slowly off him. "Hell you're fucking attractive." I whisper under my breath.

"God, Rocket," He puts his hands on his head, chewing the inside of his mouth, his eyes on me. "Just, we just need to go upstairs, we need to not be alone together."

"Yeah, yeah." I pick up my phone off the bench and earbuds. He follows me out and up the stairs to the weight room where we break off and go our separate ways to work out.

"Fuck my life." I grumble, watching his few warm up reps.

"Why?" Nico is standing right there and I flush all the way up to my ears.

"Can, can I talk to you about something? I've been meaning to, but," I try not to look too embarrassed. "It's nothing big, just a question."

"Yeah, what is it?" She stands up off the machine she's leaning on, and takes a step closer. "Is this like a private thing, or you can say it here."

"Uh, yeah, no, private I guess." She nods at this response and I follow her back down the stairs and into the break room.

I'm still in the door and she's by the sink.

It takes me a long minute to calm myself down enough to try to scramble the words together in my head. One of my hands is knotted up in the back of my sweaty hair, touching the braid that Håkon gave me.

I take one last breath as she watches me. "Would you kill me if I said I was gay?" I rush.

She raises her eyebrows. "No, why?"

"Thank god." I laugh it off, sagging in utter relief. 

"Jeez, Rocket," She taps her pen on the top of a clipboard. "You had me scared there."

"What did you think I was going to say?" I walk to the counter and get myself a glass of water.

"Don't know. Definitely not that." She lets out a sharp breath, almost laughing. "Wow."

"But you're not pissed off? You know, like-"

"Why? Did you expect me to kick you off the team or some shit?"

I pause on that for a minute. "Yeah."

"God, no, not at all." She's a little shocked and so am I. We take a minute or two to breathe. "So, how many people know?"

"Steph, my parents." I pause. "Rex."

"Just me, Yeti and Steph on the team?" She leans back in her chair, a little more shocked. "Why me next?"

"Don't know. I feel like the guys won't have a good response and you're the coach, I just wanted to tell you in case it got around. Plus, you're, like, I dunno, Nico."

"Why would the guys have a bad response?" She's a little confused and I can see it on her face.

"Ah, guys get like that," I mumble. "It's just because we're all in the locker room together and they don't like to think that- you know, I'm, I don't know how to explain it."

"No, that makes sense I guess. They'll think you're going to make a move on them or some bullshit. Hey, if that happens tell me, alright? I'll give them enough reps to make them feel it until they're on their deathbed."

I'm a little startled by that. "Thanks, I guess?"

"Yeah, of course." She's watching me closely. The room goes silent and her eyes are on mine, she's studying me.

It takes her a long couple minutes, but she comes up with something that catches me off guard. "This is related to the thing with your dad, isn't it."

"You know about my dad?"

"Yeah, Hadley and I talked for a long time with Boston about you two. I know about Steph and his bit and I know about you and your dad. It's no big deal, it's just because they wanted to make sure we knew how to support that out here." She can see the worry on my face. "It's seriously not a big deal. They just wanted to make sure we knew the personalities that we were adding to the team."

"Yeah." I mumble. "Yeah, uh," I have to stop and get my bearings on the conversation again. "Yeah, this has to do with my dad."

"What happened, if you don't mind me asking."

I pinch the bridge of my nose, closing my eyes. "I came out to my family when I was thirteen and was immediately disowned. It's not a big deal and I'm over it."

"Then I assume you came here?"

"Yeah, and it was a really really shitty experience, the whole thing, but my mom always supported me I guess." I take a deep breath, shaking my head.

"That's good, tell her thanks for me," Nico sets her hand on my shoulder, rubbing with her thumb. "Thanks for trusting me."

"Yeah." I nod, then cover up the tense atmosphere with a really shitty attempt at a joke. "Thanks for not kicking me off the team."

"Rocket-" She smiles and shakes her head at the response. Then she pauses. "Am I allowed to ask if you have a boyfriend? You've got hickies all over your stomach. Don't think I didn't notice."

I have to laugh. "Am I allowed to say almost?"

"The hell does that mean?" She's smiling and it's relieving.

"He's, we're not dating yet, but it's on the to-do list."

"You can't just put dating on the to-do list with someone. Trust me." She points up at the ceiling. "That's what I did with him and look where the hell we ended up."

"Alright, alright," I laugh. "I get it, I get it, it's not going to last long, but it's for the best right this moment."

"Sure." She wiggles her eyebrows at me. "Don't get intoxicated with him."

"Wasn't planning on it."

"So, you told Yeti?" She scratches the back of her head.

"Yeah, it's, it just kind of happened."

"I've noticed that you two got close." She nods, looking down at the tile. "What's he like?"

"What do you mean?"

"Dunno. He always acts like a dad around the group of us, never really softened up. I've seen him joke around twice. With us during ping pong when I asked why girls keep him around, and the morning after Casey's. Both times you were there."

"Yeah, I guess." I shrug. "He's got a bit more flare behind him when you get closer to him, but hell does he take a long time to warm up."

"Why you?" She sees my confusion after a moment. "I mean, why did he warm up to you specifically?"

"I uh, you just have to keep on him. Eventually he starts going with it."

"So you just kept bothering him? I might have to do that. I feel like he gets sassy somewhere in there."

"I haven't even gotten there yet."

She takes a deep breath. "I worry about him, you know?"

"Why?"

"Well, he's never dated, and he really helps out with Finnican and Fen when they're not feeling alright, I mean, he does a lot for other people, but again, he's always been alone. He's been out here six years."

"Yeah." I shake my head. "I think he's just scared of opening up."

"I've been to Casey's with him, this year and last. Girls would come up to me and ask about him because I was talking with him, ask who he was, why they knew him. I'd always tell them 'yeah, that's Håkon Rex, he starts for the Wolves' and they would light right up at that, but," She shrugs. "They'd never get the courage to talk to him, or if they did, he always managed to scare them away. I feel like he just needs a hug."

"Mhmm. He's lonely." I nod. "He's lonely and he has been for so long that anything else is scary for him. I've definitely noticed that. He was unsure when I first started getting closer to him, resistant. He definitely thought I was toying around with him and I still don't think he knows that I actually care."

"He thinks you're faking it? Why?"

"Don't know. He just does." I shrug. "He's really really sweet when you get to him through that many walls."

"Yeah, I'm gonna bother him." She grins. "I mean, I have to now."

"Good luck." I laugh. I pause for a moment. "Can I ask you to do something for me?"

"Yeah, what?"

"Can you talk to Fen?" I turn pink. "I kind of want to tell the group of us, Greenie, Fen, Yeti, you know, the group. I just want to make sure he won't blow up at me. Don't out me, just run it past him."

"I'm sure he won't, but I can always ask and make sure." She nods. "I mean, it's Fen."

"I know, I know, but, I'm a very skinny goalie and he's a massive center and I'd rather not risk my neck."

"Have you gotten beaten up over this?"

"No, but," I pause. Yeah, kinda, once and if you count that other time. "Shit happens to people like me."

"I know." She takes a deep breath. "I don't want to be weird, but I feel like you don't get hugged often." She opens her arms and I'm a little frozen in place about how Un-Nico that is. I lean into it and she gives me the most Nico hug I've ever received. About three seconds of me getting my soul crushed out of me, and then I get released.

"Now get your ass back upstairs. Being gay doesn't do anything to get you out of your workout." She claps her hands, then spins around and points at me. "Hey and when you finally make it official with that boy, you better bring him to meet us."

"Ah," I nod. "I'm sure he'll be happy to." 

***

every once in a while, the little things make me smile,

as if one of our longshots paid off.

longshot - catfish and the bottlemen

***

not me, posting an hour late

anyway i'm failing things

-rabid

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