A Dream or a Memory

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Chapter 7

Maria

I woke up but I knew I wasn't truly awake. Oh no, I was stuck in a nightmare one that I have had many times before. This hazy dream I can't even tell if it's just a dream or if this truly happened and I forgot about it. For some reason my mind wouldn't stop replaying one moment that no one ever talked about.

And I was too afraid to bring it up.

The dream always starts out the same Fitz, Daniel and I were playing hide and seek in Mom's old apartment in New York. I don't know why we had to rush over there in the middle of the night but mom made it sound like it was important. It was a long plane ride and we ended up just staying in place. Something was happening but I was younger I didn't know to pay attention to things. I wish I was paying attention to what was happening.

"3...2...1! Ready or not here I come!" I shouted uncovering my eyes and pushing myself off of my bedroom door. I quickly raced around the space with my mess hair flopping around in two ponytails. I ran around a corner into mom. She was pregnant.

I remember?

"Watch out baby", she was on the phone yelling at someone.

"Sorry", I apologize moving out of her way and going into Fitz's room. He only had two hiding spots. One under his bed and the secret cubby hole in the hallway closet. Dad says we're not supposed to play back there because that's where the wires are at.

"Boo!" I exclaimed sliding under the bed to see Fitz,"Found you!"

"No fair! You cheated", he complained as we both crawled from underneath the bed. Fitz looked funny because he had just lost one of his front teeth. And I know that happened in real life. Because when he lost one of his front teeth at the same time I lost one of my back teeth. We had double money from the tooth fairy.

"Im just good", I bragged,"We got to find Daniel", I smiled.

"Fine", Fitz said grumpy. "I got the kitchen!"

He raced off with a back full of dust and lent. Mom wasn't going to be happy that we were dirty again. I don't think we brought any new clothes with us we had to leave so quickly we didn't even get to change out of our pajamas,"Dibs on the living room!"

"Keep it down guys. I'm on the phone", mom shout from her office. She had the rule as Dad we're not supposed to go in there. Because all the important paperwork was in there.

It was little details like that that made me think this dream wasn't a dream.

Mom's old apartment was small compared to our house so it took no time for me to get to the living room and freeze. Someone I didn't recognize was holding Daniel's. He looked like a bank robber dressed in all black with a ski mask and he had a gun strapped to his waist. He was a giant compared to me.

I opened my mouth to call out to my mom only for man to pull out his gun and pointed at Daniel who started to cry. He was squeezing his hand too hard and pulling his arm. I took a step forward not knowing what to do only for the man to turn the gun on me. He spoke with the same roughness Grandpa Rodger had. "Where's your father?"

He yanked Daniels arm so hard I heard something pop and his soft crys became wails of pain. I wanted to speak. I wanted to save Daniel. I wanted his pain to stop but I couldn't open up my mouth to speak. I was paralyzed in a moment that seemed to last forever.

"I can't find him! Do you see...." Fitz yelled behind me before trailing off.

"Everyone on the couch", the man demanded waving his gun around. He pushed Daniel making him fall hard on the wooden floor. I was frozen in fear and Daniel was crying on the floor. "NOW", the man roared.

I felt Fitz's hand lace in between mine and together we walked over to Daniel helping him up before sitting on the white couch. "Now we're going to sit here until one of your parents shows up. And for every sound you make that's how many bones I'm going to break. Understand?"

Silently we all nodded yes.

My hands tremble and my eyes water. My body feels hot and sweat starts trickling down my neck. I grip Fitz's and Daniels hand tightly. With every breath I take, I get more and more terrified. My breath quickens as I hear the creaking of the floor behind me. 

BANG! BANG! BANG!

I whipped my head around to see my mom with a gun firing it at the stranger. He returned fire and something innately and may told me we needed to move. I made my body move pulling Fitz and Daniel behind me. I felt wrong leaving my mom. But I didn't know what I could do to help. All I knew was we needed to hide.

We needed Dad.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

I was running towards the fire escape. But at the last moment decided our safest bet was the closet with the secret hole. I threw the door open and Fitz already knew what I was trying to do. I didn't know if all three of us could fit but we made it work pushing mom's shoes and old luggage out of the way. We moved the back covering away before sliding in the cramped dark compartment. We slid the wooden board back into the slide and listened the sound of gunfire in rapid succession.

"Mom could be---" I wrapped my hand around Daniels mouth. He didn't need to say it I already knew.

And that was the rest of the dream sitting suspended in darkness until the eventual Perpetual silence. The only thing worse than the silence was Mom's screams after.

And only until I was sure I had gone crazy was when my body would let me wake up like I had been shocked back into existence.

"...and then the director was like you don't deserve to be first chair if you're not going to make practice. And I was like do you not want me to compete? And then grandma got all bent out of shape and told him I don't have to explain myself", was I still dreaming or was that Alma?

"Don't ruin an opportunity just because you're not getting your way. Practices are important that's what makes you the best. You waited three years to be a part of this Orchestra don't blow it because you and the director won't play nice. You're in his house you have to play by his rules", this was too real to be a dream.

"I didn't even need to be a part of an orchestra? Why don't you just play by yourself people would still show up to just see you", Lara said with a mouth full of something.

"Because eventually I want to compose my own symphonies. And I have to start somewhere", Alma explained.

"You'll be the next Mozart", mom bleamed. I sat up feeling lightheaded in my room. I must have been passed out for a long time because my room was spotless. Mom must have cleaned it. I wasn't a huge fan of how girly it was but I know dad put a lot of work into designing the layout and customizing every single piece of furniture. It was just too frilly and pink for me.

Once my head stops spinning I follow my mother's voice to the balcony. I must have really been out for a long time because they had set up for high tea. "Mom?"

At the sound of my voice my mom turned to me reaching out her hand,"How are you feeling?"

"I think she got everything on me", Lara mumbled.

"Sorry", I said feeling embarrassed walking into my moms arms. She sat me down on her lap like I was a baby and  touched my forehead.

"Its all good. I've eaten out of trash bin before so its nothing", Lara leaned back in her chair rocking back in forth. I love Lara. She wasn't as prim and proper as Alma, mostly because my parents adopted her when she was already old. So she didn't quite have the same upbringing as us. I like the fact that nothing was sugar coated with Lara. She had no problem with breaking the rules. She's a badass with numbers and she gets to work with Dad. When she comes home I get all the Gory details of what's been going on.

"Eewww", Alma frowned. Alma was more like Mom but more old-fashioned. I don't think I've ever seen her in a pair of jeans. It was always long skirts and dresses. And she always kept her long pinned up in a tight bun. Alma and I barely got to see each other. Mostly because she was always traveling for her art. I mostly saw her when she was performing. Even then she was kind of busy then. I'm kind of surprised she's even here should she should be practicing or something?

"Survival instincts you do what you got to do", she grinned.

"Why are you guys here?" I blurted out.

"Dang, you kicking us out?" Lara joked.

"N-no", I stammered. "It's just..." I didn't know what to say they don't live here? Not the same way that Fitz, Daniel and I do. They only showed up on special occasions. And it wasn't anybody's birthday or a holiday.

"A happy surprise", mom said cleaning up my sentence. "We were going to have a family day".

O, and I ruined it....

"But with you sick I don't think it's fair if we go have fun without you", Alma explained with perfect posture.

"Nothing wrong with day drinking", Lara added.

"We don't want to become alcoholics", Alma chastise

"There's nothing wrong with a drink here and there", Lara countered.

"We're having dinner tonight for now or just relaxing", Mom explained. And before I could even open my mouth answered my question she knew was coming,"The boys are in the garage. Dads getting a new car delivered".

"The Porsche he saw at the car show?" Lara asked.

"No the Maserati", I have one of our daddy daughter date, dad took me the one of his private car dealers and he let me pick his new ride. I got to help him customize everything right down the color of the leather seats. I wanted to see it but I still feel tired and groggy.

I rested my head on Mom's shoulder and she wrapped me up in her arm. I was too big to be held like this but I liked it.

"Okay let's get you back in bed. We'll let you rest". Lara and Alma left and my mom walked me back to my bed. I hopped in and mom tucked me back in. Get some rest. I'll be back to check on later".

Mom kissed my forehead and started to head towards the door. I really wanted to ask her if my dream was a memory. Could people forget things that important? That big? Mom is a doctor she would know,"Mommy?"

"Yes?" She turned back around to face me.

"Can I ask you something?" I sat up unsure why there was a nagging nervousness in the pit of my stomach.

Mom shut my bedroom door and came and sat on the edge of my bed,"Anything".

"Can you have a dream and be not sure if it was a dream? Like have you ever had a dream that was so real it may have happened?" I tried to articulate.

"Like deja vu?"

"No not like that. Like your brain is tricking you or something", mom scooted in closer and made herself comfortable on the bed.

"Your brain is a powerful organ that does its best to protect you. Your mind can play tricks on you but I don't believe you have any psychosis. What kind of dream are you having?" I knew I had my mom's full attention but I was still worried about telling anyone about my dream. I didn't want it to be real but I also didn't want to be crazy.

"If I tell you because you're a doctor you can't tell other people right?" I just wanted to make sure.

"I wouldn't tell other people because I'm your mother. If he wants us to stay just between us it will", she promised.

"Okay", I felt my heart rate began to slow. And I told Mom every detail I can remember of my dream. She listened to me as if she hung on to every word. " Something's wrong with me for dreaming about stuff like that?"

Mom pause for a moment trying to collect her thoughts. I really caught her off guard because she didn't do anything for a long while,"I would call that a nightmare if it weren't real. But all of you were too young to remember that night".

"So it did happen!" I'm not crazy.

"You were five at best". Carefully choosing her next words my mom asked,"Have you talked to your brother's about the incident?"

"I tried to talk to Fitz about it once but he doesn't even remember the apartment. So I've just been keeping it to myself", I responded.

"Don't keep things like that to yourself", mom hugged me tightly and I did the same. "Okay?"

I nodded my head yes.

I had one more thing I had to ask. I didn't want to hurt mom's feelings or make her sad but I had to know. I'll ask once and I'll never bring it up again,"Did the baby die that night?"

I felt mom shock like a ice pick to my own heart. She pulled away from me and softly spoke,"Yes. The baby..." she struggled to continue but did," Catherine, did pass away that night".

"And the man?"

"Dead and forgotten", she assured. I had more questions but I could tell this was a painful topic for Mom. "Get some rest my love".

"Will you stay until I fall asleep?"

"Of course", I laid down and Mom spooned me against her body humming a familiar lullaby until sleep finally came.

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