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Nothing works, but time.
It all hurts.
But it's fine.

~Headstones and Landmines by Lizzy Mcalpine~

Gonna apologize ahead of time, this is almost 5K words longer than my normal chapters, but this one needed all the words, and writing it got. It's one of my favorites.

This song is one that I knew I was going to use before I even started writing the story.. It literally helped my plan this story in my head so please listen to it.

Tw: mention of rape, and assault.

STERLING'S POV:

    The last week has been very overwhelming... The start of the week was the day Harry brought everyone here to start the treehouse over. The next four days after that were the days every single one of us finished the treehouse, then brings me to yesterday, the day Harry and I painted the treehouse. I've got two weeks left until school starts back, I've got two weeks left until the day I've been dreading, but I'm starting to not dread it so much anymore.. I'm going to have all of my best friends going into it with me, it's not just me anymore. It's not just me and Harry. It's me and my army standing beside me.. So is it really all that bad?

    The last week has made me realize a lot, but it's made me feel a lot more than anything I'd say. After yesterday.. After Harry carved Lee, and my initials into the tree my heart hasn't stopped aching. Harry has carved Lee's name everywhere we've been together, really.. But yesterday was different.. Yesterday kind of sealed the deal in my opinion.. The treehouse when we first started building it as a family was for me, but when summer came and Lee was gone.. It wasn't for me anymore.. It was all for him, and I knew that in the back of my mind. I just got so in my head about it that part of me forgot, and yesterday I remembered, I remembered everything.

    The memorial was definitely a push in the remembering and realizing direction as well. All of this has been. I talked to my dad earlier and asked him if there was any chance we could do something, and he agreed. Neither of us have been able to do it since Lee passed, and we both think it's time to, but he insisted on one thing. He said he wouldn't do it unless Harry came with us. So I need to- My phone starts to vibrate, and I jump, clutching my heart as I do, fucking hell. I look down, and see Harry's name so I pick it up right away.

    "Hi lovey, I have a question for you." I smile, leaning over as I grab my star journal, ready to put the day in that Harry brought everyone here.

    "Alright I'm all ears." He speaks into the phone.

    "Um.. Me and my dad haven't.. Well since Lee passed we haven't gone back to where he was buried, and we were wondering if maybe you could come with us today.. Because we're going to go." I tell him, looking straight ahead as I sit on my knees on the hardwood floors of my bedroom.

    "Your dad wants me to go?" He asks me, almost shocked as he does.

    "Yeah.. He actually requested you come, but even if he didn't I would still really like you to be there.." I add in, and he sighs, but laughs at the same time.

    "When should I come over?" He asks.

    "After you eat lunch... What's wrong? Why are you sighing?" I ask, and I hear him give a soft but nervous laugh once more.

    "Gemma and I have been talking, and I think I need you to come over here tonight.. Maybe after we get home... Since Gemma is in town, and of course you're still... You're here, and stuff I think I want to tell my mum, and Robin about.. About Stephanie. Because I'm ready to let it go, and to move past it, and to completely put it out of my life, and I can't do that mentally unless I talk to them, and open myself up to both of them about it as much as I don't want to, I know I have to." He tells me, and I feel myself let go of a breath that was stuck in my lungs the entire time he was speaking. "So can you be there with me when I do that?" He asks, and I nod my head, despite the fact that he can't see me.

    "Yes, yes of course. I told you I'd be there when you brought it up months ago.. I'm proud of you too." I tell him softly, and he gives his famous nervous laugh as a response. "I love you, I'll see you soon." I promise with my tone.

    "I love you Star Baby." He hangs up the call, and my heart swells once more at the nickname. I look down at my star journal, and flip to the end, taking the paper I printed of the stars from the other night. I glue them down, and write the date, and the event too. "The day I was found again." I write, and look down, deciding to go back to the start. I flip through, looking at the beauty of every single day I put in here. I know it all goes one step at a time, one move after the other, but I've never looked at my star journal, and thought of dates I can't wait to put in here. I've always just looked in the past... But I can't wait to put the day I get accepted to college. The day I move in, and hopefully the day I get married will be in there. The day I get my dream job, and the day I find out I'm going to have kids.. I know a lot of those things won't be for a long time, but... but it's exciting to be excited for my own future...

    I get myself up, and get myself ready, at least more ready than this. I let my hair hang naturally, and I don't put on any makeup but I do wash my face, cleaning it off so I can feel new. Once I finish I get dressed in a blue hawaiin shirt, and shorts. I throw on my converse, and white socks that go over the top of them to complete the look fully. I hop down the stairs and see my dad sitting there in the kitchen already. He's holding some things in his hands, and I walk through carefully, going to the backdoor to open it up for Jon. The dog runs in, and I keep watch of my dad, walking up to him.

    "You okay?" I ask, and see what he's looking at. He's got some pictures of all three of us, we were incredibly happy, and healthy, and well.

    "I don't have a picture of the four of us.. I don't know how I never realized it but I don't have one of all four of us." He speaks as he stares at the picture of us three.

    "She left before... before we could.." I trail off, and he shakes his head.

    "I'm sorry.. I never really talk about this, any of it at all in front of you."

    "You don't talk about it at all to anyone dad...It's okay to talk about it. I lived through both of the things you did too.. It wasn't the same for me, but I was still here." I tell him.

    "And I'm really happy you've found someone to help you through it too Ster, but that's the thing about it.. I can't count on my daughter to help me through something because.. Well because you're going through it too.."

    "Exactly. We lean on each other. I can't believe you would have the nerve to call me your best friend, and then turn around and say you can't come to me for things. How rude." I shake my head, and he chuckles softly before putting the picture down.

    "I just miss him Ster. I miss how rowdy he was, and I miss when he'd get shy and nervous.. I just miss him." He tells me, and it's the first time I've heard him say anything about Lee since he passed. He's truly never spoken on it.

    "I do too..." I agree, sitting down next to him.

    "You know Harry reminds me of Lee. Not in a bad way, but I feel like I would've wanted Lee to grow up to be just like him... and if he were still here I know he would love him.." My dad speaks on him, and I smile.

    "You're in love with my boyfriend aren't you?" I ask, and he smiles.

    "How could I not be?" He asks, and now I laugh. The door opens and we both look through the hallway to see Harry stepping in. He looks up and sees us, holding his hand up to wave. He wears a beanie, his curls peaking out all around his face. He looks incredibly soft as he walks in and towards me. My dad looks over, and smiles, standing up, but my chest grows heavier and heavier the more I realize what we're about to go do.

    "Are we ready?" He asks as he pulls me into a hug, pressing my head to his chest.

    "I'll go ahead, and start the car." My dad nods his head, and he walks towards the doors, and out of the house.

    "You okay?" He turns to me now, brushing my hair back so he can hold each side of my face. I nod my head as I look up, my arms intertwined around his waist.

    "I brought something though.. Something to put on his headstone.." I tell Harry, and he leans forward, pressing a small kiss to my forehead.

    "I'll wait.. I want to see it when we get there." He tells me, and I nod. He takes my hand in his, pulling me closer to him as he walks towards the door. I'm not sure why, but I thought that he might be a bit distant today.. He's reliving some old memories, and he'll have a lot to talk about when he talks to his parents tonight but he's not... He's not physically distant. His mind is here, but a bit fuzzy, and scattered I can tell, but he's being more touchy than I'd normally see. It's like he needs to be holding on to me at all times in some way. I don't mind it though.. His touch is comforting to me, and it seems like my touch is comforting him just the same.

My dad drives, and I sit in the back with Harry. He holds my hand, and I sit close to him, closing my other hand on top of ours, and resting my head on his shoulder as we drive the length to get to my brother's resting place. There's a silence between all of us, and we let it wash over us as we drive.

"Is this where your mum is... Where she was-" I shake my head, stopping his nervous questioning.

"She was buried somewhere else. We thought since Lee didn't really.. Well he didn't really know her at all, she was his mom but she was never.. She never was there, and so we decided together to let him rest somewhere else." I tell him, and my dad taps his fingers on the steering wheel as he drives down the road. We all sit quietly, hearing the sound of the road under the tires for some time as we move, that is until the car starts to slow down. I see we're here, and I take a deep breath, following my dad as he releases his.

"Are you ready Ster?" He asks me, and I nod, reaching for the door. Harry follows out, and my dad gives no mind to either of us as he turns, and starts for the graves, moving where we last left Lee's ashes. We all walk together, Harry not letting go of my hand as he walks by my side. I look up at him, watching his hair peek from the beanie, and blow in the soft summer wind around us. He squints his eyes, looking ahead, standing strong in his walk too. That's always something I'll appreciate about him, something I can't seem to mimic. He can look strong, and put together in any situation, even when he's not.

I turn to see my dad who is nearing Lee's grave. He stops in front of it, and I stop right next to him looking down to my brother, Harry standing on my opposite side. I read his gravestone, and then I read it over again, and I find resting low in my chest. I knew it would hurt. I knew seeing him here would be bittersweet to me, because I'm not seeing his name carved in Harry's jagged handwriting. I'm seeing it etched into a stone... Something that I shouldn't ever have to look at. But no matter where it's carved or written it's still a remembrance of him, and it still hurts. You never realize how much weight something carries until it's sitting right on top of you.

"Hey Lee." I speak softly, and drop down to my knees in front of him, speaking like he's here with me. My dad stays standing but Harry drops down with me, sitting on his butt, stretching his legs out to the side. "Um, I know I haven't seen you in a while, but I missed you.. I do miss you, and I have some news for you, and someone really special for you to meet." I feel my voice growing weaker, and the second I feel Harry's hand on my back the reality hits. I take a second, wiping some tears away, and I see my dad sit down too, pulling his knees up, and resting his arms on them, getting comfortable as we sit under the summer sky.. As we sit with someone we both missed more than words can explain.

"Sorry, your sister is having a bit of a moment right now.. We miss you buddy." My dad speaks out, and hearing the hope, but pain in his voice hurts even more, my dad is very emotional, but he's had a habit of hiding that around me, he doesn't want me to see his hurt because he doesn't want to further mine... It always takes me back to see him in a state like this.

"Um. I've got someone I want you to meet. So we got new neighbors, and one of them is a little bit weird, but-"

"Hey.." Harry lifts his chin, and furrows his brows together at my insult which actually makes me laugh. He lets his face melt into a small smile, and I continue on.

"He's weird, but I like him... I really like him, well actually I love him, and I think you would too. I'm sure you remember that silly bucket list we made.. Well I wasn't planning on doing it, but Harry.. He decided we had to.. Kinda in your honor, so I brought you some stuff. Some pictures, I took some pictures of your name in all those places, Harry made sure you got to see them too.. And of course I brought Harry.. Um.. So you could.. So you could meet him too." I stumble through my words, feeling odd talking to no one. I know Lee isn't actually here, but the thought of him being here.. If I just close my eyes I can see him. I can almost picture him hanging out, being in the moment right now.. Instead of here we're in a park, and he's talking our ear off while we're listening instead of the other way around.

"Hi Lee." Harry speaks out, waving one hand as he leans on the other where he sits. "Your sister is a pain in my-" I shoot him a look, and he shuts up. "I mean.. Your sister is a ray of sunshine... But I know you know your sister, so you know that's a lie..." He laughs to himself, and my dad softly laughs as well. I roll my eyes, and let him continue. "She really is incredible... And I know you're just the same little man. The treehouse looks great by the way... and I think you would love it, you'd have so much fun... I had a lot of fun building it for you, though it was hard letting your sister agree to it... Um.. I didn't know you Lee, but I'm thankful that your family is here to tell me all about you... I feel like I've gotten to know you through them." He finishes, and he leans forward towards me, placing his arms around me as he sits behind me. His arms rest on my chest as he hugs me, resting his head on my shoulder.

I hold onto his arms, looking forward, and I see my dad looking down at his hands, a few tears falling from his eyes. He's trying to be silent about it, but my dad can't hide his emotion here, there's no way. I look over my shoulder at Harry and he nods to me, letting go. I scoot forward, towards my dad, and I lift his arm up, wedging myself underneath it. I wrap my arms around my dad's torso, hugging him as tight as I can, and he hugs me back with one arm, wiping his eyes with the other. I look up to him, letting go but staying under his arm. I hug my knees to my chest as Harry sits next to us.

"For a Pisces you really do act just like an Aquarius." I joke, and I can see him laugh, but it doesn't overcome the pain I can see on his features.

"Don't let her shame Aquarius' We're not all like that." Harry defends, and I laugh now, still holding onto my dad who sits silently. We all let the silence hit us, and the real mood settles, the true feelings that are radiating from my dad right now.

"I'm angry Ster, I just miss him so much." He speaks softly, and he's crying through his pain. He shakes his head, and I rest my chin on my arms, finally letting go of my dad. "Being here reminds me of the funeral, and how little people were there... It was because of us, because we didn't want anyone to know.. But the people that were there, they didn't know what to do... I didn't know what to do, because this isn't something they prepare you for when you have a kid... They don't warn you what happens with this kind of stuff, and I'm clueless...Sterling I still don't know what to do." He talks, and I feel everything he's saying.

"You do exactly what you're doing right now. Moving forward, and trying your best. Sir I-" My dad shoots Harry a look, and he ducks his head. "I mean Jason... I think you're an incredible Dad to Sterling.. And you're a father figure to me as well..." He speaks out, and I feel my eyes well up, every nerve in my heart pinching at the same time at his words. "I have a dad.. A biological dad, and I have Robin as well, but you've loved me, and accepted me, and taught me without even knowing you were doing it... Which shows me that you're doing exactly what you should be doing.. I don't think I've ever met anyone who is so fiercely protective of someone but so trustworthy of them. You let Sterling learn on her own, ask questions, and be completely herself.. You never hover, but you're always there when she needs you.. You're doing everything you should be doing.. And I'm sorry if I overstepped but.. But I just needed to say it." Harry speaks.

    "Get your ass over here." My dad opens his arm up as he places it back over my shoulder. Harry scoots in, letting my dad hug him into me. "Thank god I made Sterling talk to you.. I love you.. Both of you.." My dad looks forward at Lee's grave, and Harry rests his head on my shoulder as my dad keeps his arm around both of us.

We sit for a while, staring at Lee's grave, sharing stories, and telling jokes. The sad mood becomes less sad and more lighthearted, more celebratory of Lee's life than mourning his death. Me and my dad tell Harry who he was, how he was, and just how we imagine him to have grown up to be. We told him about his love for basketball, and how he was actually really good for his age. We talked about how his favorite team was obviously the Portland Trail Blazers, and that's why he always wanted to go to the Moda Center.

    We talked for a long time, and then we all got hungry. So we all said goodbye to Lee, and got back in the car. I promised him I'd be back soon. I went too long without seeing him, and I refuse to do it again. We sat down at dinner, and continued our conversations and laughter, and it's truly refreshing seeing my dad around Harry. It's nice getting to see him talk, and laugh, and get along with someone I love, and I like seeing Harry talking to the number one role model in my life, and enjoying every second of it. The longer we sat, and the moment my dad paid the bill, Harry's demeanor changed. It's obvious he's thinking about what's going to happen when we get home, and we're on the way now.

    "Hey dad, I'm going to Harry's when we get home if that's okay. I'll be home right after." My dad looks in the rear view at me. His eyes flick to Harry who is staring out of the window, zoned out completely. He looks back to me, and I raise my eyebrows at him. He nods in understanding, and I lean my hand over, reaching for Harry's and he takes it, holding my hand, but not looking over towards me yet.

    We pull up into my driveway, and the night is casting its shadow on the neighborhood right now. Everything is growing dark, and dreary, and I hate it too because this moment is already a heavy one. I get out of the car, and Harry walks around to my side, standing next to me as my dad gets out.

    "I'll meet you back here soon okay?" I ask, and he nods his head, pulling Harry into a hug.

    "Thank you for today." My dad speaks, being soft with his voice.

    "Thank you for even wanting me to come sir." My dad

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