You know that feelin' when you think your heart
is gonna crawl right out through your shirt?
Get it a couple times a year but I've been getting it more often with her.
THIS IS A DOUBLE UPDATE! IF YOU HAVE NOT READ CHAPTER 15 PLEASE READ THAT FIRST.
TW: mention of rape and sexual assault.
HARRY'S POV:
I never knew her mom had died.. I never thought that was what happened. I'm not dumb, I just don't pick up on clues very well. She said she wished she could tell her things before, but it seemed as though she just couldn't bring herself to do it.. Not that she physically couldn't do it.. She was a bit out of it after we spoke on it, but she snapped back as soon as we got our food, and started on a new topic.
Sterling is more complex than I had thought before. She's more than just a quiet person who keeps to themself in this town, and I think it's funny that Carson and all his friends were also her friends. They all hung out with her, but I don't think any of them truly knew her. I don't even know if Jalyn and Andrea knew her as well as they said they did. I think Sterling has made it a sure thing that no one knows her except herself, and I understand it.. I'm the same way.. But I don't want to be that way with her.
She asked if we were going home after we had been asked to leave the fields. We spent hours at our table, talking, and sitting.. She enjoyed the beauty of the flowers surrounding her. I enjoyed her beauty in front of me as she watched.. They asked us to go because they needed our table and of course we understood.. We had definitely overstayed our welcome.
But when she asked I could tell she hadn't wanted to stay out with me, that she didn't truly want to go home... and I didn't want to either so we started walking around the foreign town of Woodburn. We got ice cream, and we sat there for a while too. It's dark now. And we're still walking in downtown Woodburn. The sidewalk is lit up with quaint shops, and there's people walking past us in their own world just like us.
"So... What do you think of Oregon?" She asks. "Now that you're more settled in." She keeps her hands clasped in front of her as she walks, her pretty yellow dress sweeping around her as she does.
"I think it has some amazing things to offer... I've only really been out of the house to get pancakes, and now to come here.. I've been to Chesney's, and your backyard.. Carson's house.. That's about it.. You, and Carson are really the only people I talk to." I tell her. Well you two and of course your ex best friends that you have hardly spoken about and would probably hate me if you found out that I was close with them too. Minor details.
"How is he?" She asks, and I'm shocked she's asking.
"Carson? He's good actually.. Him and Hallie are dating I think, or they're about to be if it hasn't happened yet. I haven't really talked to him this past week." I shrug my shoulders, and shove my hands in my pockets as we shuffle our feet along.
"Really? He's had the biggest crush on her since middle school I swear." She laughs and looks down. I watch her seeing her eyes continue to look down, and I see that look, the look where she's thinking.
"Do you miss him? Any of them?" I ask her, and she doesn't reply right away. Once she looks up she sighs, and I watch my feet as we walk.
"Sometimes I do... Carson and I were pretty close. Not as close as I was with Jalyn and Andrea... I don't think I've ever been that close with anyone." She laughs to herself as she seems to reminisces on the past in her mind. "I do miss them, but I know it's not worth it so I just.. I just push the feeling away." She shrugs again, and looks back down.
"It could be worth it... Why do you say that?"
"It's more than... It's... You just don't understand yet, and you don't have to. It's my fault, but it's just as much theirs as it is mine, and I... I could move past it one day, but I doubt any of them care at this point. It's been almost a year since I've spoken to any of them. I just dropped off the face of the earth, and there's truly not much for them to wonder nor miss anymore." She speaks, and I almost feel angry as I hear her words.
"They're better people than that... They do miss you. They do think about you, and they do care. I know you might not want to hear about it, but I know it's true... I do. I also know that you have not a clue what any of the people in our town think... You don't see the world like it sees you Sterling. And you don't see yourself like I see you. The world doesn't see you like I do either." I tell her, making sure my words are sure, and still so she can understand how serious I am.
"How do you-" She starts, but there's a grumble in the sky. We both stop walking, and look up to the sky seeing a flash of lighting. "Oh no.." She speaks, and I shake my head.
"It wasn't supposed to be rai-" I speak but as soon as I do the rain pours, and we both flinch under it, looking at each other with open mouths as the sky unleashes on us.
"Harry!" She laughs, but shouts at the same time. "The car is all the way down the street!" She laughs loudly, and I move fast, taking my jacket off of my body.
"Run Sterling!" I yell, and hold the jacket over her as an umbrella. We run together, and she laughs wildly as we book it down the street. We get to the end and see her car on the other side of the street, the only car in the parking lot besides a few others scattered around. I hop off the sidewalk, and feel the puddle splash around me. She starts to move, and I impulsively move towards her, wrapping my arm around her waist to lift her up as I pivot around. I slowly let her slip, setting her down next to the puddle, and she smiles as she gets her footing.
"Come on, let's get you out of the rain love." I nod my head to the car, and she looks up to me with flushed cheeks. I'd like to keep her here in my arms, but I let my arm slip from her waist as she runs forward, spinning around in the rain through the empty street. She turns around, and her wet hair flies, swirling around her as she smiles the most genuine smile I've seen from her. My heart flutters. I actually feel it skip a few beats as I look at her in such a vulnerable and obviously happy state. It's almost like she's moving in slow motion as she looks at me.
"Are you coming?" She laughs, and I realize I've been staring at her. I move, quickly jogging across the street with my jacket slung over my arm. We run through the parking lot, and I unlock the car door as we run. "Hurry, hurry!" She laughs and I do too as she runs to the passenger side. We both duck into the car quickly, finally catching a break from the unforgivable sky. We sit quietly, and both catch our breath as we do, our clothes incredibly wet now. I feel a chill as we sit inside now, and I turn the car on, letting the warm air hit us despite the fact that it's summer here. I turn and look at her.
Her hair is damp, hanging down her chest, and though the dress is now darker because it's wet. She has the brightest, prettiest rosy cheeks, and a glimmer in her eyes. Adventure.. Maybe it's mischief or possibly just wonder... Maybe she's just as in the dark about what to do in this situation as I am.. But she's beautiful.. So incredibly beautiful, and I just want to know what stroke of luck it was that I moved in next door, and that she chose to let me walk into her backyard.
"This is what I meant by they don't see you like I do." I speak softly, and she looks at me now.
"What do you mean?"
"I see you as the kind of person to run to. Easy to trust, easy to talk to. When we're born.. Our brains are neurologically wired to trust others.. That's why when someone breaks that trust it's hard for us to do it again. Because it's almost like a short circuit inside our heads.. We weren't ready for a malfunction of trust.. I'd never met someone so easy to trust... The people in this town are.. They're just looking for quick friendships, people to have a good time with even if they don't truly know who they're around. Carson isn't like that, but the rest of them probably are.. They never actually tried to get to know the depth of someone else, and I swear I just.. I want to dive head first with you. I want to know every part of your mystery Sterling."
"So you assumed I wouldn't trust you at first I'm guessing?" She asks with a smirk on her lips.
"I did.. After I told you who I was friends with, and I saw your reaction I knew then that it wouldn't be as easy as I had thought to gain your trust." I tell her honestly.
"You're easy to trust.. I do trust you even if you're friends with the people I used to be friends with... It's.. It's different." She shrugs her shoulders. "It's just hard sometimes, missing those people... You're close with Carson.. Why haven't you talked to him this past week?" She asks.
"Because I... Because I want you to trust me, and I don't want you to think I'm running to Carson and the rest of them and spilling everything I know.. I know if I hangout with him he'll ask questions, and.. And I-"
"Talk to him. He's your best friend here, talk to him. If you need to.." She pushes, and I stare at her, waiting for her reaction to her own words, just to see if she actually feels this way or if she's just saying it. "If.. If you could tell him, what would you tell him?" She asks.
"I'd tell him that I really like you, and that there's things I have to do before I can actually let myself go all in. That I can't just sit here, and pretend I'm okay, that I'm normal, and alright, and not healing, and hurt and broken.. But he wouldn't understand what I'm talking about either.. No one would understand that." I look away from her, and towards the steering wheel.
"What are you talking about then?" She laughs softly, and I know to get where I want to be I need to push myself from this comfortable spot I'm living in.
"I need you to know that it's easy to trust you because I know you'd never go behind my back. I know you wouldn't. I'm trusting you because.. Well to put it in simple words you're new, and I know you hardly talk to anyone besides me... But above all else I'm trusting you because I really like you Sterling, and I really didn't think there'd be a moment in my life that I'd feel things like this for someone.. It's constricting, but it'll be freeing once I.. Once I let my trust for you actually be something instead of just a thought in my head." I tell her, and I feel my chest shaking. This.. This isn't something I'd ever talked about, nor wanted to talk about.
"You can trust me... Even if I did talk to anyone else, I'd never say a word.. I wouldn't think about it. Harry, what's this about?" She asks softly.
"I've never.. I haven't told anyone this Sterling. I haven't because I.. Well because I know that it's not a normal thing that happens between a guy and a girl. I didn't because I was embarrassed because I was ashamed of it. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't think anyone would believe me, and I was horrified. My mum doesn't know, and my sister doesn't either. Carson doesn't know, my step dad doesn't know. I've carried it with me, and I know if I don't tell you. If I don't open up about her then I'll never be able to let you in, and I'll never see what you've got hidden inside of you either." I explain.
"Whatever it is, I'm not going to tell anyone, and I'm not going to judge you or look at you any differently Harry." She tries to calm my thoughts but I shake my head, a bit of pancic sitting in my chest as I think about it, actually talking about this.
"You don't know that. Don't say things you don't know or understand. You don't know Sterling, and there's a big giant chance that after I tell you this you'll want nothing to do with me, and I'll understand. I'll let it go, I'll never talk to you again if you want it. You don't have to believe me, or trust me, or.. Or anything but I know that if I want to have a chance at this with you I have to tell you."
"Harry, you're shaking... You don't have to tell me anything, you can tell me whatever it is when you're ready. I-"
"No... I'm.. I'm shaking because this is.. This is so far out of my comfort zone I feel like I could throw up right now... But I have to do it, and I.. All I need is that you just.. You just let me finish before you say anything." I look at her again and she looks at me nodding her head.
"Okay." She confirms, and I take a deep breath.
*Play For Island Fires and Family by Dermot Kennedy.*
"Um.. Back when.. Back when I lived in England was nothing like I am towards you or anyone else here. Here I tried my hardest to come across as a people person. I wanted people to see me as likeable, like I was cool, and popular.. Because I never wanted this to happen again. Um, back home I.. I was just really to myself. It's not that I didn't want to talk to people. I just enjoyed books, my family, and school more so I just kept to myself. I had a few friends here and there, but no one that really stuck.. Which I was okay with.. But there was this girl. Her name.. Um her name was Stephanie, and she was a year above me." I tell her, and take a deep breath, knowing how much the name just hurts to speak.
"I had seen Stephanie since I was in secondary, and I thought she was the prettiest girl I'd ever seen, and I always looked from afar. She was untouchable. Growing up she was that girl that was just beautiful, and popular, and.. And of course I had a crush on her, the entire school did.." I shake my head at the small laugh I let out.
"Stephanie dated around.. She never stuck with anyone more than a month or so. I always heard stories about the guys around school using her, and cheating, and.. And I didn't know how anyone could do that to someone so beautiful.. But it was because I didn't actually know anything about her besides her beauty.." I try to think back, digging through my mind through all the parts I've buried away, trying to forget.
"This past year. Right when school had started back for me I was in the library, and she.. Well she approached me in the library, and I thought she'd just asked me a question or.. Or she'd just been lost or something, but she sat down, and she started talking to me." I feel my eyes well up a bit as I continue the story, but Sterling is completely silent beside me, almost like she's not even here. I don't look at her, not wanting to see her expression.
"She had me laughing instantly. She wasn't just pretty. She was kind, and she was funny... She invited me to sit with her at lunch and of course I accepted. I was thrilled. So excited that someone like me, a fly on the wall at my school, was asked by the it girl to eat lunch. I thought it was some prank, and as we ate lunch it.. It wasn't a joke. Her and her friends were talking to me, and then everyday after that it was the same." I take a breath and continue.
"I remember rushing home to tell my mum, and my sister. I even gushed to Robin like some stupid school boy. I was talking to Stephanie Rush.. I felt like I was on top of the world, but I was scared shitless. I had no idea what to do from there. She flirted, and of course I did my best to read the situation and do the same thing... I.. Well I started dating her in a few weeks. I was shocked at how fast it had moved. I was shocked she'd want to be with me, but she did, and she seemed just as excited as I was." I glance, and see Sterling with a small smile on her lips, and it confuses me so I look down again.
"I changed a bit... um.. The fact spilling you love so much. Well every time I.. Everytime I did that around her or her friends they'd look at me like I was mental. They hated it, and I stopped instantly. I didn't state a single fact at all. But I did notice her grades, and of course I.. Well I was falling in love with her, and I.. I helped her in any way I could. I tried my hardest to help her study, and she took the help.. But after some time she.. She never wanted to study. Her grades started getting better, and she'd just move the books, and she'd.. Well we would.. We would kiss, and eventually it moved onto a bit more than that.. That's what people do in relationships. I had never been in one, and she told me over and over again that's what people did in relationships so I just nodded my head, and did it." I tell her. I swallow deeply, and take a deep breath.
"One night.. Um.. Fuck I'm sorry." I breathe again, and she reaches forward, and turns off the heat. The rain beats down on the windows of the car, and it's silent now that the hot air isn't blowing. It's just us, and the rain as I sit here.
"It's okay.. Take your time." She speaks softly next to me, the understanding so full in her voice it hits me like a truck.
"One night.. It was a friday.. We had a big test the next week, and I wanted to help. I wanted to study, and she said no. She had just asked me to send her the answers because I had that class before her. She said that was a perk of me being so smart, that I was ahead of the rest of the people my age. She wanted to go to her friend's party, and I agreed... So we went to the party despite my wants, but I didn't care. I loved her. I thought to myself that this girl was the one, she was the one I had dreamed to date for so long, but thought it would never happen so I.. I did whatever she asked in fear of her seeing me as the loner that I was.. I didn't want her to change her mind." I sigh.
"We were at the party, and she gave me a drink. I took it, and drank it. I had another, and another because she handed them to me, and she had more and more and more. We had both been drinking of course, but I had never really had anything like that.. It hit me a lot harder than it would most, and.. Well she.. She brought me up the stairs, and she.. She and I were kissing, and then she started.. She started to undress me, and I was so out of it, but then she started taking her clothes off, and I moved her back. I told her that I wasn't.. That I wasn't comfortable with having sex with her. I didn't want that yet, especially not drunk... I know that's dumb." I shake my head.
"It's not dumb.." She speaks softly, and she breaks the rule of not speaking but I don't mind it. I know she couldn't help herself there.
"I was a teenage boy with the most sought after girl in our school. I should have been thrilled, but I wasn't.. I was scared, and nervous and I wasn't ready.. But she looked at me and said 'You love me don't you?' and of course I said yes because I did. I would've done just about anything for her if she asked... She told me that if I loved her then I should do it, because people that love each other do that. She.. She wasn't technically wrong because I had researched stuff like that.. You have sex with people you love, she's right... So I didn't say anything else.. Not yes. Not no.. I just layed back and she.. She and I had sex." I stop, knowing that she's probably going to hate me for this.
"I wasn't sure what to do. I could hardly think straight as it was, and I didn't do anything. I just let her do what she wanted, and I wasn't.. I wasn't happy. I was upset that it had happened, and when it ended she smiled at me, and she kissed me and put her clothes back on. I sat there, and she left me so I could fix myself back up, but I stayed there for an hour.. I didn't know what to do at that moment. It was my fault. I could've just said no, but I was weak.. I was weak when it
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