Becca

"Becca, my love, you need to wake up. You're going to be late for class!"

I unwillingly opened my eyes to the sound of my mother yelling and the bright ray of sunlight seeping in through my bedroom window. I felt groggy, confused and disoriented. And all those emotions didn't even compare to how hurt, embarrassed and sad I still felt.

The scene from Friday night, a mere three days ago, flashed into my head again for the billionth time. After the sudden shock wore off and I could sort through my emotions, I realized that the strongest thing I felt was disappointment. I wasn't angry or jealous. I was merely disappointed.

I truly believed that Brett was a good guy; that he was different. I allowed myself to get my hopes up and invest too much into our budding relationship. I expected too much from him and I backed myself into a corner where the only way out was going to hurt like hell.

I took a deep breath. I've been awake for a total of ten seconds and my mind was already running a mile a minute.

Taking my mind off of Brett and Jenny, I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and sat upright. Going to school and having to face the two of them would be torture, but it would have to happen eventually and sooner was better than later.

Out of habit, I reached for my cellphone. One missed call from Brett and five texts. That was nothing compared to the hundreds he sent me Friday night. I felt bad ignoring him at first, but it quickly faded when the scenes from Jenny's bedroom infiltrated my mind.

I just needed some space to cool off, that was all. Now, Monday morning, I was feeling slightly better. The initial shock had worn off, but I still wasn't rejoicing at the thought of having to see them at school today.

I deleted the texts without a single glance and shut my phone off, placing it back on my dresser so I could focus on getting ready for school.

What if Brett still expected to drive me to class this morning?

The thought creeped into my mind and stayed there, causing my anxiety levels to raise rapidly. What if he showed up here this morning, waiting for me outside? He wouldn't....would he?

I rushed to get ready quickly, planning on leaving earlier so if Brett does show up, I would be long gone.

* * *

Rummaging through my locker, I put in my headphones to block out the whispers from the people around me. Some were watching with eager eyes, waiting for me to have some sort of emotional breakdown, others looked sympathetic -- their stare full of pity.

I couldn't decide which was worse.

My head was cast downwards, flipping through a notebook when a shadow fell over me. I knew it was him before I even looked, I could smell his cologne and feel his presence.

"Becca..." He whispered. His voice sounded strained, I could hear the pain in those two syllables. I shifted my head to the right, looking up at Brett through my lashes. He looked horrible. He was wearing a black hoodie, with the hood pulled up over his head. They few strands of hair that fell over his forehead were tangled in messy knots. A light beard decorated his jaw, he clearly hadn't bothered to shave. His appearance was alarming, but his eyes are what killed me. They were red and swollen, like he hadn't slept in days. They were full of pain. Full of regret.

"Please talk to me," his voice cracked on the last word, each heavy with desperation. He knew I was ignoring him.

I could feel myself caving and I didn't want to. I didn't want to be the weak girl that forgives him too easily just because he feels bad about his actions. He should feel bad. I had to distance myself from him quickly, I couldn't think straight.

The school bell rang and I had never been so happy to go to English class.

"I have to go to class," I mumbled, staring down at my feet, not able to look at him and see the hurt in his eyes any longer. I turned away from Brett and began to walk down the hallway to class.

"I'm sorry," he pleaded.

But I was already gone.

* * *

English went by slowly. I took my regular seat in the back and slouched down in my chair, not wanting to call attention to myself.

Brett walked in and I could feel him staring at me, but I refused to look at him, my eyes burning into the notebook on my desk. I panicked that he would come and sit beside me, trying to finish our conversation from earlier. When he didn't, I felt disappointed and relieved at the same time. He sat at the end of the row in front of me, slouching over his desk with his hoodie still pulled tight over his head, hiding his face from me.

A high pitched giggle brought my attention to the front of the room as Jenny walked in. She was glowing -- a dazzling smile on her face and the regular coldness in her eyes was gone. She looked happy, like she just had the best weekend of her entire life. I almost threw up when I realized why.

She sauntered over to Brett and sat at the desk beside him, squeezing his arm as she spoke, her voice too low for me to hear. He stared straight ahead, not bothering to glance in her direction and pushed her hand off his arm. Turning his head, he said something to her, his eyes narrow and his jaw tense. Jenny got up and walked away, looking incredibly disappointed. We made eye contact and the emotion on her face was replaced with a cold smirk before she chose another desk to sit in.

I took a deep breath, willing myself to not say something and make a scene. It was what she wanted, and I refused to buy into her wicked games.

Mrs. Copper rose from her desk, signalling that class was beginning and an instant silence fell over the classroom.

"I hope you all had a good weekend," she began, her voice sounding like she could care less, "and that you all made time read the chapters I assigned. I -" she stopped abruptly when Jenny's hand shot into the air.

"Yes, Miss. McHenry?"

"I had a great weekend, Mrs. C," she perked up in her chair as she continued, her voice captivating the entire classroom. "I threw a party and it was a total blast! Everyone had a great time. Right, Brett?" My breath caught as she flipped her hair over shoulder and turned to stare at him, smiling challengingly.

A silence fell over the classroom as Jenny's question hung in the air. Everyone's eyes went to Brett, eager to hear his response.

His shoulders tensed, his hands were formed into tight, white fists on his desk. I could see his chest rising rapidly as he tried to calm himself down.

"Brett?" Jenny's voice broke the silence, cutting through the thick tension in the air.

Suddenly, he shoved his chair back with full force. Swinging his bag over his shoulder, he stormed out the room, slamming the door behind him.

Jenny's mouth was hanging open in awe, her eyes wide. Mrs. Copper had one hand over her heart, the other covering her mouth. Everyone's eyes were fixed on the door, slowly processing the scene that just took place.

When the shock wore off, all eyes slowly turned to me. I sank even lower in my chair, staring at my feet under my desk as my cheeks blazed.

Mrs. Copper called attention back to her, choosing to ignore Brett's outburst and continue on with her lesson.

I couldn't pay attention. I should have gone after him, to see if he was alright. My eyes began to water and I blinked rapidly, fighting back the tears that threatened to overflow. I had never seen him so angry before, it was...frightening.

I stared at the clock for the remainder of class, tuning out Mrs. Copper's voice and all the whispers around me.

After what felt like an eternity, the bell rang. I quickly gathered my things and ran out the door, heading towards the bathroom. I needed to be alone.

I shut the door to the stall and locked it behind me. Leaning against it, I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths.

In and out. In and out.

Slowly, my heart beat began to steady. I pulled out my phone from my pocket to see if Brett had texted me. He hadn't.

Adjusting the strap of the bag in my shoulder, I opened the door to the stall and stepped outside, stopping dead in my tracks when I noticed Jenny standing at the entrance door, staring right at me.

Of course she followed me here.

"What you did back there in class? That was low, Jenny. Even for you," I spat, the anger making my voice rise and my eyes narrow into slits. I didn't care anymore. She could try to hurt me all she wanted, but I would never allow her to treat Brett like that. Never.

Her hand flew to her heart as she bat her eyelashes in fake innocence. "I had no idea he would react like that," she cooed.

"Bullshit. You wanted to hurt me and you're using Brett to do so. It's disgusting. Leave. Him. Alone." I emphasized every word to get my point across. I wasn't going to play her game anymore.

She walked towards me slowly, her eyes narrowing into slits.

"We had sex, Becca. He doesn't want me to leave him alone. And he doesn't want you either," I froze at her words, my body tensing. I suspected that they slept together after what I saw, but hearing her say those three words out loud broke my heart.

Everything felt so real now.

Her face was inches from mine, her stare cold as ice.

"Don't you ever threaten me again. You'll regret it, understood?" Not waiting for me to answer, she spun around and walked away, her empty threat hanging in the air.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. Anything to let the emotions building up in me escape. I felt like I couldn't breathe. My throat was tightening and my breaths strained.

I ran to the sink and splashed cold water on my face, placing my hands on the ceramic edge and leaning into it, my head cast downwards and my eyes squeezed shut.

We had sex, Becca.

Her words played over and over in my mind. I felt numb. Completely weightless. The girl staring back at me in the mirror looked like a stranger. Who was she? It seemed like just days ago I was the happiest I'd ever been.

I was a fool. How had my world flipped completely upside down so quickly?

It felt like my life was spinning out of control and all I could do was stand by helplessly and watch it happen.

The bell rang, signalling the start of second period. I didn't move. I just stood there, staring at myself in the mirror.

Having to sit through another class was the last thing I wanted to do right now. I wanted to go home and be in the safety of my bedroom.

I turned away from the stranger in the mirror and left the bathroom. I walked to the end of the hallway then down the stairs to the first floor. My feet were leading the way before my mind could catch up.

I was standing in the parking lot, breathing in the crisp air surrounding me. My head stopped spinning and my heart beat returned to normal. I felt like I could breath again.

My eyes roamed around the parking lot. I didn't know what I was looking for, but I was searching for something.

Then I realized something was missing. Something felt off.

My gaze lingered on the parking spot in the corner, the one completely covered by a large tree. It was the spot Brett parked in every morning because it was hidden from the sun.

It was empty. His car was gone. Where did he go?

I pushed the thought from my mind. It didn't matter where he went. He needed to cool off, just like I did.

I began to walk home. My mom would understand why I skipped school but I didn't want to tell her the truth. I wanted to keep the embarrassment hidden inside me, scared of what would happen if I let it all out.

I'll simply tell her that I wasn't feeling well and had to leave. Yes, she would believe that.

The walk home cleared my head, calming me down with every step I took. I was lost in thought, not paying attention to my surroundings.

That's why I didn't see his car.

I walked through the parking lot of my building, entering into the front lobby and smiling at the familiarity. I felt safe here, out of reach from the horrors that constantly weighed me down at school.

The low hum of the music in the elevator made me smile. It was the same music that played everyday since I first moved here. Everything here was constant, like an anchor that held me down while everything else in my life was changing in the blink of an eye.

The doors opened and I stepped out onto my floor, walking down the hallway as I pulled out the key from my pocket.

I was so lost in my own mind that I nearly shrieked when I saw someone leaning against the door to my room.

Tall and broad, Brett's frame seemed to take up the entire hallway. His black hoodie and jeans stood out like a sore thumb amid the neutral colours decorating the walls and carpeted floors.

My heart began to speed up as I walked closer to him, lessening the space between us.

I didn't turn around and walk away like I wanted to. His back was towards me so he didn't see me yet. It would be so easy to retreat back into the elevator and not face the conversation I was about to have. But it was inevitable and the more I prolonged it, the more it would hurt.

As if sensing my presence, he turned around and faced me, our eyes met instantly. He looked the same as he did this morning: tired, sad and hurt.

I closed the distance between us and was now standing right in front of him, within an arms reach.

"You skipped class ," he stated, his voice was emotionless but I could see the surprise on his face. I searched his eyes but there was nothing there. Whatever he was feeling, he was trying his best to hide it.

I shrugged, fidgeting with the bag on my shoulder and chewing nervously on my lip.

I took a deep breath and forced myself to muster up some confidence.

"Jenny cornered me in the washroom." His eyes darkened at my words, his nostrils flaring. "Why did you sleep with her, Brett?" My voice was low when I spoke and I hated how hurt I sounded.

"Sleep with her?" His eyes widened as his face scrunched up in disgust. "Becca, I never -"

I raised a hand to silence him before he could finish. I didn't want to hear any more excuses. I knew what I had to say and it was now or never.

"Don't lie to me, Brett. I was there. I know what I saw. This," I gestured to the both of us, "whatever this was, is over. We're over. I can't pretend anymore."

I looked away, ashamed at myself. Tears began to fight their way forward as my bottom lip started to quiver.

"Becca. Look at me, please," he begged.

He gently grabbed my chin to turn my face towards his, but I jerked away from his touch. Stepping back, I put more distance between us.

I met his eyes as the hurt flashed across his face. Good, maybe if hated me this would be easier for him to hear.

"I think you should go," I crossed my arms over my chest and turned my head to the side, hiding my face from his view. When I was positive I wouldn't cry, I masked the emotion from my face and looked at him.

"You really think that little of me?" His voice was barely audible, he was speaking so low but the pain was more evident than ever. Hurt flashed in his eyes, his eyebrows cast downwards in confusion. "You're going to believe what Jenny told you without even giving me the chance to explain myself?"

"I was there, Brett! I know what I saw! I heard the whispers, everyone talking about what happened between the two of you!" I was screaming and I was crying, I couldn't hold onto my emotions anymore. Everything that I'd been holding in since Friday night spilled out of me in waves, destroying everything in its path.

I took a deep breath to compose myself, wiping away my tears with the back of my hand.

"I thought you were different," I whispered, staring up at him. His face swam in my vision as I blinked back tears. His face sank at my words, as if I just slapped him.

"I guess that makes two of us, then." His words cut through me.

"What is that supposed to mean?" The anger was back in my voice and I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks.

He shrugged, shaking his head to dismiss his thoughts.

"If you want me to leave, I will. I fucked up, Becca. I know that. But you're the one that pushed me away. You never gave me a chance," his voice was heavy, emotion lingering in every word.

He stared at me, his eyes resting on mine for a minute too long before he looked away. His blue eyes were darker than I had ever seen, they were missing their usual sparkle. He shoved his hands into his pockets and walked past me down the hallway. I turned, staring at his back as he walked away from me, trying to make sense out of what just happened.

His footsteps faltered and he stopped walking, turning towards me once more. His face, once again, was a mask with no emotion coming through.

"I miss us, the fake us, whatever you want to call it, Becca. I miss having you in my life and I miss being your friend," his gaze bore into mine, he was so far away but I could feel the intensity of his stare. No matter how hard he tried to keep his face composed, his eyes always showed exactly what he was feeling. And right now, I could see the hurt.

He turned around and left, disappearing into the elevator as the doors closed shut behind him.

You never gave me a chance, he said. His words echoed around me, confusing me more than anything. Never gave him a chance to do what? I wanted to call out and ask him.

But it was too late. I stood by my decision to end things between us.

Ever since I started dating Brett Wells, my life took a drastic turn.

It was like a roller coast: first, it was fun, like the climb upwards when your heart is doing flips in your chest and the anticipation of what to come is overwhelming. Our time together was thrilling and filled me with excitement. I enjoyed every minute I spent getting to know him. Each layer of himself that he allowed me to see intrigued me, always leaving me wanting more.

But every roller coaster reached its peak and then fell down at full force. Right now, that's what it felt like -- like I was crashing down blindly and no matter how loud I screamed, there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I unlocked my door and staggered inside, making my way through the hallway and throwing myself on my bed.

I finally understood why people say break ups hurt so badly. They make you feel hollow on the inside. Numb. Like a small piece of you is missing.

I knew I made the right choice by ending things with Brett, I just never expected it to hurt this much.

--

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