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»I hate liking my rival«

»But you know you like your rival more than you hate him«

My world was crashing so quickly that I was beginning to lose my breath in a fit of coughs and foggy clouds. Gravity began to force me harder into the ground, crushing my soul and devouring my limbs.

Piece by piece, I was slowly losing the functioning cells in my brain.

I feel like a warrior, going through the stages of war.

Battle after battle, and was so close to ending the fight; but with one powerful blow, a sword through my handcrafted armor, has just completely demolished me into helpless bits.

After argument and disagreement, I left California to Kansas on a good note to just avoid another war, and when coming back to face the battle, thinking it had passed like a storm, it had just retreated and my plan just blew up in my face.

Betrayal on myself.

It was the wrong move to leave, I should have stayed for them.

I shouldn't have underestimated the storm.

I am the one to blame and I have never been so sorry.

"Ashlyn, Colby,... is it true?"

I stand still, frozen with the same look of shock plastered across my face.

Silence, for long seconds that felt like eternities.

"Someone better fucking answer me," Ellie demands.

"It's... not completely true," Colby quietly responds.

My head slowly turns to Ellie. Her eyebrows furrowed, but her eyes weary as she stared down Colby.

For her to comprehend this sudden outburst of a confession must be overwhelming to take in... and I am sorry for her, so fucking sorry. 

"Not completely?" Ellie questions, ready to smack him.

Ellie asks with confusion, "What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means..." Colby trails, sighing deeply and standing up to face her.

I look at him, and my heart begins to ache.

His face was surfacing a hot fiery color, as dark as a rose but not as pretty. His crystal tears skim out his puffy eyelids and past his inflamed cheeks.

To have such a reaction when your girlfriend is being told that you like another girl and you're right in front of her, standing there with tears, this must mean you really care about her.

Is he at a lost for words?...ugh and do you know how guilty I feel? 

I'm breaking a relationship apart, and I understand why.

"It means that he used to like me, but now he likes you," I intrude. "We don't like each other anymore and it's over, so he can still continue to love you Ellie. It's obvious he does. Look at the way he cries for you, he knows he messed up for doing messed up things with me. In his heart all along, he's kept this love for you. Ellie, he is only yours. It's always been you."

Colby and Ellie both look at me as I keep my head low as I'm too embarrassed to be in such a situation that is practically my whole fault.

If I just didn't like the boy in the first place.

After hating each other for years... I am here in love with him.

The room spreads with more silence.

My palms begin to sweat waterfalls, and the next thing I know, my eyes begin to cry oceans.

I slouch down onto the couch and bury my face within these cold hands.

These hands that have touched my best friend's boyfriend in the wrong way.

Ellie whispers, "Ashlyn, stop crying, it's oka-"

"Actually, no," Colby interrupts with a strong voice.

I peer up at him with soaked eyes.

"You've got it all wrong," He says. "Ellie, it's not all completely true. I liked her before we were together. But then I started to date you, and I thought that I could learn to love you. When we hung out El, it was probably the most fun times I've ever had, and being your boyfriend was quite an adventure."

He smiles lightly, "Your amazing personality made me always feel like I could be myself, and the way you knew how to make me laugh never fails because you almost always know how to put a smile on my face. The times when we'd walk down the sidewalk on Hollywood Boulevard just to pretend we're like lost tourists, running across the beach at night just because we got bored of society's busy life, and dangling our feet over the hood of the car to just eat In N Out."

Ellie smiles at him, hearing him remember those memories and say those kind words.

"However, you don't deserve having me as your boyfriend..." He ends.

She seals her lips, "Wait, w-why?"  She questions.

Colby sighs, "I don't deserve to be your boyfriend because during all those times, I tried my hardest praying that maybe one of them, while I'm with you, something will click in my head and I will then be able to genuinely say that I love you more than any other girl in the world, but that didn't happen. Throughout those times, I found something with a different girl. I did not want this to happen, I didn't want to face the fact that I am cheater, but I felt something with this girl that I wish I felt with you."

My heart pounded at his words.

"Ellie, your boyfriend should love you... and I'm sorry you wasted your time with such a guy like me. Haha..." He begins to chuckle lightly to himself. "Hah, sorry this isn't the time to laugh," He smiles, wiping his dry tears.

He gives a small laugh again but calms, "Ha, I guess I'm emotionally unstable because I'm so sorry that you ended up liking a douche bag like me, El. Ha, wow I feel so bad, that I'm crying because I love a different girl! Damn, my life is pretty fucked up.  God, I wish I could rewind time because if it weren't for me who just wanted to patronize Ashlyn on her graduation goodbye party, I wouldn't have asked you out and none of this would have happened."

At this point, pins being dropped could be heard.

Ellie or Colby may not deserve each other, but I don't deserve them in my life either.

How I wish I could turn back time and not have bought lunch that day in the lunchroom.

Ellie begins to let tears fall down her cheeks. It hurt me more than it really should have.

"Wh-why'd you stay with me when you had feelings for her all along?" She whispers, covering her mouth to soften her small sobs. "Why could have you just broken up with me before I fell hard? It would have been easier for everybody if you didn't lead me on, didn't you ever realize that?"

Sam nods, "You can't have two girls at the same time, Colby. You can't have them both. We all knew you liked Ashlyn, why use her best friend as an experiment to test your theory?"

"I-I never meant to lead her on. El, I may not love you in a relationship type of way but of course I still care about you! Believe me, I tried so hard to love you but-"

"You just couldn't," Ellie finishes, bitterly.

Colby says, "We weren't meant for each other-"

"No we certainly weren't and you knew that as you went doing things behind my back. I wish you just ended it with me, Colby. I'm being dead honest when I say you only were looking out for your own feelings. In a relationship, there's two people and if you wanted to be in one without me, then end the fucking relationship, you dumbass!" Ellie angrily shouts. She wipes her tears roughly and turns over to me.

"Ash, you'll forever be my best friend but did it hurt when he and I were together and you just had to watch?" She asks me.

I nod slowly. Colby emotionally damaged me every time I saw the two of them together.

No, Ellie was not the person who hurt me.

She did not know I liked him, it's not her fucking fault and I truly believe that.

"See," She turns back to Colby, "-You even hurt the girl you liked a lot more than your girlfriend at the time!"

"I-I didn't mean to hurt the both of you," Colby replies, regretfully.

"Well you did, and you know how you could've avoided that? By just breaking up with me! How was that so hard?" Ellie furiously questions.

"BECAUSE I THOUGHT I LIKED YOU! I thought if I kept being with you, I'll get over Ashlyn," Colby frustratingly responds.

"But that DID NOT happen!" Ellie shouts.

"I HOPED IT WOULD HAVE!" Colby retorts back.

Sam gets up and leaves, but the arguing ex-couple pays no attention as he even slams the door shut behind him.

I wipe my tears and follow him, leaving the two to try and sort out their differences.

It was now more about them than me, really.

Ellie made a compelling argument because he really should have not led her on when in reality he liked me more.

He liked me.

Why aren't I as happy as I thought I would be, when he chose me over her?

How am I not jumping up and down, beaming over the fact my crush likes me back?

Thud!

Sam had fallen in the middle of the hallway on his way to the elevator. He only had one crutch and that was not a good idea on his part.

"Sam!" I yell, sprinting over to his cradled body.

As I thought he was in physical pain, he clearly wasn't. He was on his knees burying his head in his lap while wrapping his arms tightly around to shield himself.

Probably shield himself from the outside world.

The judging society.

The drama.

The friends he thought would be okay.

"Sam... are you alright?"

No response, just weeps.

"Sammy..." I gently say, poking his head.

"Sam, snap out of it and talk to me-"

"WHY?" He shoots straight up with a distraught smile. A smile of disbelief and undertones of despair. "-You want me to talk to you after everything I did?"

I nod, kneeling down to his level.

His flushed face frowns, "Ya know, I thought I was doing the right thing."

He sighs, "I thought I was making everything better if the truth about everyone was just out. I've always been having the mindset that if everyone was just honest, then everyone will be a better person than they already were because they learned from their mistakes."

Sam slouches, eyeing the carpet.
"All I wanted was for everyone to do the right thing and instead... it looks like I just tore everything up further."

I lightly stroke his arm in comfort, not knowing what to say.

"Ash, what do you think they're doing in there?" Sam asks me in a sniffle.

"I don't know-"

"I GIVE UP WITH YOU!" A deep voice shouts. The door to Sam and Colby's apartment swings open. 

"I GAVE UP BEFORE THIS CONVERSATION EVEN STARTED!" Ellie cries stomping across the hall to our shared apartment.

I sigh, "Want to know how to make this better?" I turn to Sam and he looks at me with wondering eyes.

"How?" He asks.

"Comfort, apologize, give advice."

"What advice am I suppose to give?" Sam questions, bitterly.

"You're Samuel John Golbach, you always have something up your sleeve." I pat his back and walk down the hallway.

I shoot Sam a quick thumbs up and point him to Colby's door as I open my apartment to handle my situation.

Elizabeth Parker.

/////

"Ellie?" I call to the empty living room. I shut the door and tiptoe to her room. The door's partially open and a small crack is allowing me to peek through.

I knock on the door and peep my head in. 

"It's Ashlyn. Ya know Ashlyn Neil... your best friend."

I push the door fully and see Ellie under her blanket sobbing softly.

My heart is shattering at her distressed state. I know what is being hidden beneath the white comforter.

"Ellie don't cry!" I exclaim hugging the lump of a body.

"Ashlyn get off me!" She retorts to my action.

I frown, "You're hurting and I'm so fucking sorry, I'm sorry! Just please come out so we can have a proper conversation."

"I look like and am trash," The lump mumbles.

I tsk, "Pfft, you never look like trash. You're only trash if you think you look like trash."

I know she smiled at that.

Slowly, she lifts the blanket off from her face.

Her mascara was running along the sides of her red cheeks. 

"My emotions have been overworked," She mumbles, sniffling.

I frown, "I'm sorry for what we did, how are you not mad at me right now?"

She lets out a long depressing sigh and goes back into her blanket.

"NO ELLIE!" I shout at her, attempting to pull the blanket away. 

She fights back by kicking me in the butt unexpectedly.

"You're being more playful than I thought," I giggle.

"It's not playful you bitch," She murmurs under the covers.

"Well, you're not screaming or yelling at me and I'm surprised because your boyfriend cheated on you with me and I didn't even tell you about it!" I exclaim.

"I know."

She mumbled it so softly, it made the pool in my stomach bubble with guilt.

I sit on the bed in silence fiddling with my thumbs, unknowing of what to say. 

"You still there..." She calls to me.

"Yes, I'm still here," I reply.

She sits up again, pulling her hair back and wrapping the blanket around her body.

"I'm not mad because I know you're sorry. I'm just disappointed and I feel betrayed, so if you want to make me not sad anymore, here's your chance."

I nod, "I'm sorry."

"I know. Now why haven't you been honest with me about your feelings?" She asks, pulling my hand to hers with comfort. "You've been hurting more than me and I feel it. The sudden trips back to Kansas, the sitting alone in your room for days... they just didn't add up at the time and I want to know why."

I squeeze her hand, "You remember when Colby and I just didn't like each other at all, whatsoever?"

"Of course, who doesn't?" She smiles.

"Well, during our whole rivalry in high school, it was just a cover up. El, I liked him the whole time but hated him so much because I hated that I liked my rival. I liked everything about him, but he hated me. Even when he humiliated me, I just liked the fact he was there and it was him humiliating me. Just- I hated liking him. I hated liking him so bad. So fucking bad." 

I tear slips from my eye and Ellie places her hand on my cheek to wipe it away with her thumb.

"Go on," She urges.

"I-I couldn't tell him how I really felt through those years because I feared the humiliation. Liking the enemy? That wasn't something that happened. The enemy isn't suppose to be liked. If others found out I liked him, what would they have done?  I've acted as his rival and if that were to change, what would others think? It's so twisted. So I hid my feelings. From you, my family, my sister... everyone."

Ellie wraps part of the blanket around me too. "Ashlyn, you never needed to fear your feelings."

I divert my line of vision to the ground as I say, "It was you who liked him though. Who told me first. I couldn't get in the way of you liking him."

She sighs, "No boy can get between us, remember that promise at the boardwalk? We're soul sisters, we are best friends and nothing can rip us apart." 

"But what's happening now?" I ask, looking at the situation laid out.

She raises an eyebrow, "Do you see me kicking you out and yelling at you to leave me alone? I may be disappointed with you, but it's more about the lack of honesty than the lie itself about the boy." 

I rest my head on her shoulder, "I love you, Elizabeth Parker."

"I love you too, but I'm still piecing things together so please continue this shit," She chuckles.

"How'd you guys... find out you liked each other?" She slowly asks.

"There were events leading up to that..." I honestly reply.

"Like...?"

"Well, when we all went on that double date and I ran out after that terrible conversation-" 

Ellie pinches the bridge of her nose, "Fuck kay, let's not remember that. I'm so embarrassed."

I nod and continue, "Well he came out and long story short, he kissed me. It was so sudden but then it broke my heart when he ran away from me and back into the restaurant. Back to you."

Ellie's lips form a tight line. I just continue.

"Then, we kissed again and I told him it was wrong. I told him he was a cheater and it was wrong to do against you but when he kissed me again, I just melted inside and I was so content but guilty. I am so sorry."

Ellie shakes her head 'okay' as I kept talking.

"Then we got into an argument and he told me to get out of his apartment but I refused because he was not being cooperative with my questions. He said that if I didn't leave, then he'd say something stupid. I asked what would be stupid and then he said it."

"He said he liked you..." 

I respond with a small breathy 'yes'.

"Anything else happen between you two?" She asks.

I nod again, hoping she wouldn't be too upset. Instead she just gives me a blank stare.

"It's okay, tell me," Ellie reluctantly says.

"One time he was driving me to the airport. We made a pact to only tell secrets to each other in the car. Then I was with Kai on the beach during the one million vine follower party-"

"What does this 'car pact' have to do with anything?" Ellie interrupts.

"Him driving me to the airport was practically one of the first moments he and I were along together and not completely fighting. And so, this pact was formed. It's background information."

Ellie nods in understanding.

"Anyways, I told Kai I loved him, as a friend. Colby overheard and took it the wrong way. He ran off. I went and found him angry at me. He said he liked me a lot and it was a very emotional time. He was crying... saying he hated liking me too. It hurt him. I was crushed at how many feelings he shielded off from people. I've never seen such a vulnerable side of him. Then I kissed him like how he kissed me and so I left him right after. Kind of a douche bag move but I wanted him to feel like how I felt like. However I got hit by a car, nothing serious, and he took me  to the hospital. Guess it was karma."

I continue, "On the way back, he and I were arguing and I told him I liked him. We modified the car pact. We modified it so we can only... kiss in the car."

She looks at me funny but I knew saying it must have hurt her. A tear escaped her eye. 

"H-how many times did you guys... do the pact?"

"Three at the most? We didn't normally...f-follow it," I gulp.

"What do you mean, follow it?" Ellie cautiously asks.

I pause shortly.

"Ash."

I solemnly answer, "It wasn't just in the car."

She sighs, "How far did you fall for him?"

I burst into tears as I said "So far."

I bury my head into the crook of her neck and wrap my arms around her own emotionally weak body. 

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry," I repeat over and over again.

"I know, it's okay," She hushes, stroking my hair gently. 

I sob, "Sam found out and that's when things just started to crash, El. I always wanted to tell you! I really did! I just couldn't when seeing how happy he made you. Destroying it wasn't in my place. I wanted you to be happy and hope he and I would just fade out. After Sam finding out, and his accident, we just didn't do much together. I thought it was over until I got this feeling, where I laid on my bed for days and isolated myself. He offered to help me figure out my feeling problem and it was the best times of my life when he and I did things together. We carved our names into a tree on top of a mountain in the dawn of night, watched cars past by on the freeway, and sat talking for hours. He made me feel safe and I felt and still do feel, so guilty!'

"Shh, it's okay,"