A/N: I never thought the day would come, where I would have written fifty chapters of a book that I made because I was, and still am, obsessed with a boy with blue eyes. Colby Brock, thank you bitch for being you;) 

& WTF 50K+ READS? JESUS CHRIST I LOVE YOU PEOPLE WHO LIKE THIS BOOK. idk whats going through ur brains tho bc this book is trash but ok fifty reads on chapter fifty.

enjoy, ily all! <3

My heart thumping, my fingers tingling, what is this feeling?

No, it's not like the feeling I get when Colby and I kiss, or the feeling of disappointment when Colby reaches for Ellie's hand, or the soul shattering clutch that I got when Sam was injured. 

I have no idea what this is, and I am pretty determined to figure it out soon. 

Five days ago, Colby arrived, for some bizarre reason, on my couch, after I had a day to myself with my friend, Malia. 

And he said something that I knew was completely sarcastic, but sent me chills. 

Love you too. 

Yeah, he was joking, but...I don't know about how I felt after; I didn't feel right.

But that was just on top of what I was already feeling from these past weeks.

All my emotions are building up to one super emotion.

And I have no idea what this super emotion is. 

I lay here in the middle of my bed, on top of my covers, doing practically nothing these past days with this lost feeling that I can't describe. 

Fourth of July just passed and it hurt when Colby, Ellie, and I went to Corey's Fourth of July party without Sam. 

Is this the feeling of only being lost when Sam isn't around?

Does that even make sense? 

I sulk, in a corner of my own self pity, listening to the cliche love songs of our terrible generation through my bright yellow earbuds. 

These earbuds are too happy for me. 

Jesus, I'm such a loner when alone. 

But I'm not complaining, I feel at ease when I have no contact to anyone. 

I've been MIA, man. 

The only person who has been checking up on me is Ellie, nobody else. I love her for that, but she doesn't need to care or watch over me, I'm okay. 

I'm fine. 

I hear a knock on my door. 

"Ash?" 

I lift my head a little from my pillow to see Ellie standing before me, "Oh, I was just thinking about you."

She gives a small smile, but her once cheery expression was then darkened by her eyes of worry. "Ashlyn, you've been in your room, eating only cereal, for the past five days."

"I didn't eat cereal at Corey and Devyn's party," I lamely defend, sighing. 

She slowly comes to sit by my feet on the edge of my mattress, "But still, you barely socialized at that party and only stood by yourself in the corner of the crowded rooms, watching over everyone who was having fun. Now you're here, being all depressed for some reason. Did something go down before, during, or after the party? Or what happened when you went back to LA? Did your manager or something drop some bomb on you?" 

"No, my meeting was fine and the party was fun," I simply say, not wanting to raise suspicion. 

"Then what is it with you? You've barely said anything to anyone for these past days. It's very very unlike you," She frowns, rubbing my leg. 

"You'd be a great mother," I sigh in a joking way. 

She smiles, "Daughter, get the fuck up, and let's go see Sam again. You do remember he's getting out of the hospital today, right?"

I suddenly remember everything about the lawsuit Sam's parents were filing against Kai. 

Another reason I don't want to leave my bed. 

I don't want to see them, I don't want to talk to them, I don't want to be in their presence. 

I want nothing to do with that lawsuit. 

"Oh," I managed to breathe out. "I think it's best if I don't go."

Ellie raises an eyebrow, "Do you need a doctor? Are you sick?" 

"No."

"THEN WHERE THE FUCK IS ASHLYN NEIL?" She shouts, taking one of my pillows and smacking me with it. "I WANT MY BEST FRIEND BACK." 

I groan, "I just don't think I should g-"

Ellie abruptly gets up and walks out the room. 

I slowly lift my head in confusion. What, why'd she just leave?

Shrugging, I put my earbuds in and listen to some LANY and Oliver Francis. 

After finishing about four songs, I hear someone being shoved into my room.

"You both hate each other, go get the fire to burn in her eyes again. Jesus Christ, I just need her to act like she's alive," Ellie demands, as a dumbfounded Colby stands in my room. 

Colby looks at me with wide, nervous eyes as I slowly take my earbuds out; my body still completely flat on my bed but my head raised to look at him. 

He gulps before turning out the door and yelling at Ellie, "What are you going to do then?" 

Ellie shouts back, not in my vision, but yells, "I'm going to pick up some sushi because I RAN OUT. OKAY?" 

Colby adjusts his sweater's collar after hearing the front door slam shut. 

I sigh again, putting my earbuds back in. 

"Hey Ash, wait," Colby stops me, and sits beside me on my bed. 

I take my earbuds out, too lazy to even roll my eyes. 

"What."

He nervously rubs his hands together, "Uh, what's wrong with you?"

"Nothing."

He gives me a confused expression, "Nope, there's something wrong with you."

"There's nothing wrong with me," I deadpan. 

"Then why are you acting like this?" 

"Like what?" I question back. 

He points up and down at my still body, "This! Explain this! Whatever this is, it's actually scaring me. I'm not used to this side of you, Ash. I thought I knew every side of you, but this... WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?"

I sigh, turning away from him.

"Ash, we're friends now, you can talk to me."

I look up at him now, staring into his ocean eyes. 

Damn, those ocean eyes. 

"I have this feeling of being lost about my feeling," I finally admit. 

"Lost? About a feeling?"

"Yeah, I have no idea what I'm feeling right now, but I'm here on my bed, trying to figure it out and I'm coming up with nothing. I have no idea what my feeling is, besides the chill of being lost. But the feeling is not that I'm lost. You can't feel being lost. You can feel that you don't belong, but you can't feel that you're lost. Jesus, am I even making sense?" 

"Not really, no."

I groan, squeezing my eyes shut and covering my face with anguish. 

He scoots closer to my head, "Look, whatever you're feeling, we will figure it out."

"Why are you being nice..."

He clarifies, "We're friends!" 

"Are you speaking, willingly?" I softly whisper, puzzled.

"Yes," He sighs, "I know, I'm being nice to you, woah, shocker."

"Yeah, it is a shocker, where's the camera?" I murmur. 

He smiles, "Ash, believe it or not, I'm going to help you figure out your feeling problem, as long as you get out of bed."

"You... promise?" I quietly ask, feeling myself shrink. 

He nods, smiling, "I promise we will figure this feeling problem."

"We?"

"Yes, we," He states, "We will do this."

I genuinely smile, "Okay, we will." 

/////

After Colby finally dragged me out of bed, Ellie was surely surprised that I was in a good mood. 

And somehow, I was. 

Now, all we had to do was to wait for Sam to show up.

"Guys, let's get him Krispy Kreme for when he shows up!" Ellie suggests.

I lick my lips for the thought of eating doughnuts, "Yep, I'm on board. Let's go." 

"We'll be back on time to open the door for him, right? I don't want him to get back to an empty apartment," Colby asks, worriedly.

"Babe, don't be dumb. C'mon," Ellie waves him off, already on her feet and beginning to leave. I follow her as I grab my keys and open the door to leave. Colby rushing out the door too. 

We all hop into my car and make our way to the grove. 

Once we arrived inside the Krispy Kreme store, it was packed.

Why?

Buy one doughnut, get one free day. 

"Wrong day to come, guys..." I mumble to Ellie and Colby.

Colby nods, "Yeah, it will be a miracle if we make it back before Sam."

Ellie slaps both our arms and shakes her head, "We won't make it back on time with that mindset! Where's the hope and positivity? I feel like I'm becoming an Ashlyn Neil since she's not being herself right now."

I roll my eyes, "Sorry, my lostness-ess feeling about my feeling is holding up the line for hope."

"Hey, I said I'll help you!" Colby reminds.

"You're not helping me at the moment," I deadpan.

"Touche, but I will. Ya gotta just start acting like yourself firstly," Colby advises. 

I raise an eyebrow and cross my arms, "Is that your idea to help me?"

"My first idea to help you," He winks. 

I punch his arm. First idea my ass, you're barely full of good ones.

"Oww." 

Ellie steps between us, "We're in public my children, shut up and behave."

"We're at the back of the line, this isn't helping!" Colby exclaims. 

"I'm not happy," I grumble. 

Ellie sighs, "Want me to go pick up some cookies at the place down the street?"

"By yourself?" I ask.

"Yeah, I know where it is, and I highly doubt you two know the new place on the corner called MilkE. Plus, it'd be boring for one person to be by themselves in line," She reasons.

"Dude, but you know who you're talking to, right?" I question, "You're saying you want a wild Colby and daranged Ashlyn to interact by themselves in a public location?" 

"Bonding experience, bitches," Ellie states, "Now, I'll be back. Don't burn the building down, idiots." 

"Elllll, nooo," Colby groans, pulling her back by her hand. 

She kisses his cheek, "Five minutes tops, bye." 

He pouts as she escapes the line now forming behind us. 

Jesus, this is absolute hell. 

We're friends, but why did I believe him when he said he'll help me with my feeling? 

"Sooo," He murmurs. 

I turn away. 

Great, another awkward day with Colby. 

Remember that other time when it was just us going out and doing stuff but it was so awkward because Sam was back in the hospital with Ellie? 

Yeah, that was the day after Sam got hit. 

Look, it's a remake day!

Awkward Ash and Cocky Colbs: Day Two!

Colby tries to turn my way but I avoid all eye contact and interaction he tries to move on me. 

"Ash, quit ignoring me. Remember, I'm kinda determined to help you out of your gloom!" He cheerily says.

"Shut up, or I'm going to smack you in the balls."

He silents himself.

After a few quiet seconds between us, he opens his mouth again. 

"Okay, but Ellie said that we should interact-"

"Dammit kid, I don't care. I told you, I wanted you to shut up," I growl with a deathly glare. 

His breath stifles and his body stiffens at my words, as if he was just frosted with a layer of ice. My own icy glare and cold words, you could say, were what he was coated in. 

He then smirks, as if it was funny, my ice then melting right off of him. 

"Are you intimidated by me?" 

His ocean eyes, deeply gazing into my pupils, freezing me, instead.

His counterattack catching me off guard, as I unfold my arms and stare in bewilderment. 

"U-uh, huh?" I mumble, feeling myself shrink.

He nears closer to me, as we were now face to face. The big line, and the crowded room were surely not helping my situation, but more of his situation.

What's his game? He wanted this to happen, where he could corner me and interrogate me with his uncomfortable remarks. 

"C'mon, my taller figure towers over small beings like you, Neil."

"I-I'm not that small..." I reply, sheepishly. He's giving me this bad vibe.

"Did you hate it when people would compare you, to me?" He questions, with an evil tone.

My stomach jumped from thinking of the bad past we had. Ash, be strong, what are you doing?

"N-no."

"Oh, uh huh. I've learned a lot about you from the years we've known each other. You're bullshitting me," He devilishly grins, sending me chills up my spine. 

"Colby, stop coming so close to my face," I reply, shyly. 

He looks away, and grins, shaking his head. He then grabs my wrist and pulls me close to whisper into my ear, "You are intimidated by me, princess. Sir Cole Robert Brock always wins-" 

I cock my head to the side in confusion. 

Wait, what. 

"ALL DAY!" He exclaims pumping his fists in the air, "I GOT YOU, HA, you were scaaared of me."

I give a sigh of relief. My eyes then flashed to anger.

"Brock, what the HELL?" I yell, pushing his chest. 

"I got you intimidated, mission complete." 

I cross my arms, "You're not funny, was that some type of prank?" 

"Yeah, friends can prank other friends. Was I pushing your buttons?" He smirks. 

I frown, "Yeah, but that was pretty odd prank to pull, you weirdo. What the hell, what type of prank was that?"

Then, Ellie comes in, holding a bag of fresh chocolate chip cookies from MilkE.

"How you both holding up? Oh! You guys are so far ahead in the line, we're almost next!" She smiles, handing us the bag after eating one of the cookies. 

I take the bag and furiously put one in my mouth, "Mmm, these are great, and it was terrible. Colby's an ass, but that's okay. He's going to make it up to me."

Colby had a cookie in his mouth and mid chew, "I am?" Escapes his full cheeks. 

"Yes, you are, you little bitch," I retort. 

Ellie looks at us, dumbfounded. Before she could say anything, it was our turn to order. 

She steps in and orders a dozen doughnuts, three glaze, three chocolate, two each with chocolate icing and vanilla icing, a coconut flaked one, and one chocolate one with rainbow sprinkles. That last one for Sam. 

Getting hungry? I am.

Krispy Kreme is becoming our second home and we're going to get fatter than we already are because of how many doughnuts we're eating on a daily basis. 

After, we rushed into the car. Colby holds onto the doughnuts in the back as I drive quickly back to the apartment. 

We had to be there before Sam, it'd be pretty inconsiderate of us if we weren't.

Once we got back to the apartment, before heading in to brace ourselves on what to say as an excuse, Ellie comes up with, "We got doughnuts, you can't be mad because we love you."

Colby and I nod in agreement. He passes Ellie the doughnuts so he could open the door.

He then swings it open and gets on his knees, "SAM, WE'RE SORRY WE'RE LATE, WE LOVE YOU, WE HAVE DOUGHNUTS."

He opens his eyes, and face plants onto the floor.

"You're so nice for saying that to your empty apartment, Colby!" I sarcastically compliment.

Ellie places the Krispy Kreme box on the counter, "See, what I tell you guys. We'd be here on time!"

"Thankfully we won't look like dicks to Sam, now," I sigh, sitting on their couch. 

"Mhmm, but now, Sam, where are you!" Colby groans, still on the floor. 

"I'm right here," Sam says, as the front door opens to appear him in a wheel chair.

"Sam!" We all exclaim. 

"Oh, and with my parents," He chuckles as they enter too, waving to us.

With his parents!?

I didn't want to see them! I don't want to be apart of the lawsuit!

Ellie, Colby and I, give Sam hugs before relaxing back in the living room couch. As Ellie makes small talk with Sam and his parents, I whisper, "Since when was his parents coming?" To Colby.

"Well, who else do you think would drive Sam back?" Colby shrugs.

I nod, stupidity flowing my mind. 

"Ellie informed that Sam's parents were taking him to help settle back home so we didn't have to make the drive," Colby explains.

I scrunch my face in confusion, "When was the information passed along?"

He fake thinks about it for a second before saying, "Let's see, maybe when you were feeling lost about your feeling?" 

I roll my eyes, "You ass, you still need to help me."

"Soon," He coolly replies, touching my shoulder lightly.

I slightly smile to myself as I focus myself back into the conversation. 

"So, Ashlyn, we've been meaning to ask you something," Mrs. Golbach trails, touching her husband's hand. 

"We want you to be apart of our lawsuit against Doctor Kai Brooks." 

---------------------------------------------------------------

i spasm out of how much ily all for liking this book. so, wassup ash, u good there??

Okay, last chapter I said that I was going to open up and become personal. Yeah. 

LISTEN TO SONG ABOVE IF YOU WANT

This song, Spring Day by BTS, puts me in my feels.  I've been listening to ALOT OF BTS, which is kpop. But the only kpop i listen to, is BTS. I'm having an obssession over them, theyre so amazing, honestly. But anyways, I watched the music video to Spring Day, and I cried. Like full on sobbing, tears, water works, the whole shibang for the whole music video. I've NEVER cried for music or any music video, but the whole thing moved me to tears because of how beautiful the song and meaning was. I read the english captions as it went and I can relate to it. God, it's such a powerful song Namjoon produced. Spring Day is about missing someone, and I've been missing a lot of people and it's just so beautifully sad. JEsus, im such a mess. Its so ironic too because when I first watched the video, i was like nah i dont really like it, and then clicked out of it, but then I watched it for te second time at like two in the morning and FELL IN LOVE WITH THE SONG AND CRIED MY EYES OUT. I cried for a long time, like even after the song was over. I was balling so hard. Missing someone makes me sad. I missed my best friend too, and she's now moving back and Im so grateful for that. And I am missing my other best friend, nush too. AND NOW, my two other best friends are going to different highschools. And the fact that my ex-boyfriend and I are done, I've missed him too. I haven't talked to him but I heard he likes someone else and it kinda saddens me. I had a dream about it too, and i was crying so hard, ugh. BTS has truly changed the way I see music. It's a passion, and I'm so very passionate about it. I showed the music video to my best friend and I cried right in front of her, and then I showed it to my guy best friend, and cried right in front of him too. What kinda sucks too is that he made fun of me for crying and I had to explain to him and the other very close friends I had in that room too why I thought my body reacted the way it did. Crying. 

In a world where people judge, you really got to stand up for yourself on what you believe in. Doesn't matter if it's kpop, or why you cried, or anything, you need to find a respect for yourself. I'm listening to BTS right now as I write this and everytime Spring Day played on my playlist, I stopped writing to enjoy the music. I'm a passionate, emotional girl and if you think I'm being stupid or something, you're entitled to that opinion. I wish I had more words to describe my feelings, but that's all i got. thanks for reading, it means alot to me<3

COMMENT, *VOTE*, & SHARE!

comment your definition of passion, not the dictionary version. 

hugs, kt