Quick Note: Woot! We reached the 10k mark how cool is that? Thanks everyone! This latest chapter is dedicated to all of you who've been with Ruari and Ciaran so far. And please continue to give them your support. Again, BIG THANK YOU to everyone!!! k",) 

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I fucked up, again... Damn it!

I watched Ruari walk away and resisted the impulse to drag him back so I could grovel at his feet.

He was crying. He didn't want me to see but I did.

Why is it, I could be eloquent and an over-achiever in other facets of my life but a bumbling idiot and a complete moron when it comes to dealing with my mate? Cliché, I know, but damned true so fuck me!

I always do the things that anger him, say words I never meant to say. I try so hard to make him happy, to accept me, to make him feel that he's special to me but all I've ever succeeded in doing is make him feel miserable and unwanted. I hurt him even without meaning to. Again and again and again!

Gad this is insane! I think I'm insane!

I should have let the issue about Jean drop. It wasn't that important anymore. It was clear from how they act towards each other that they regard one another no more than siblings. Very close siblings who liked to touch each other a lot and kiss, on the lips, and...

Shit that's not the fucking point!

Jean is not a threat I know that now. I realized my mistake. Ruari is right, I assumed too much. Jean is not a competition if anything she's an ally. She seems to care for Ruari and wants nothing but the best for him. But even if I know all that, even if my head understands it, I can't seem to stop myself from feeling jealous.

It's obvious that Ruari and Jean share a special connection. They have a rare bond and even I can tell it had been forged through hardship. Their relationship thrived and strengthened through circumstance and matured through the years. Frankly, I want to have that kind of connection with Ruari, that and a lot of other things.

But how do I ask him for that without looking and sounding like a demanding fool?

Right now it's not just Keiron I have no control over. Since Ruari came back I've been going on a mad tailspin. I keep trying not to lose control, to have command over myself, but I keep failing time and time again.

I decided to lock myself in the council room. I sat in the empty room doing absolutely nothing. I didn't even try to think or focus my mind on anything. I just stared, unseeing, out the tall windows and allowed myself to go numb.

Keiron's surprisingly quiet. He isn't clawing or screaming at me to find Ruari. He didn't even pester me after Lorcan came, already patched up, to inform me that Jean refused to bunk on another room and demanded to share quarters with Ruari.

I think I grunted something along the lines of allowing her to do what pleases her and taking my room if she wants. But I'm not too sure since my mind was gloriously numb and floating obliviously into nothingness. Lorcan knew better than to push me when I'm like that.

He was crying...

That was all my mind could process.

I made Ruari cry.

Five years ago, after I said those horrible words and pushed him away without care or thought, Ruari didn't cry. I remember he visibly paled from the unwarranted pain I inflicted on him. He was shocked by my words and actions but he didn't shed a single tear in front of me.

Come to think of it, I've never seen Ruari cry. He cried when he thought he was alone with Mirabelle. I didn't see him but I heard him, quite audibly. And the sound of his heart wrenching sobs haunted me for months after his disappearance. I never thought anything could be worse than hearing his painful sobs until I actually saw his tears.

Why can't I make him happy? Why can't I stop hurting him?

The door suddenly opened and closed. The scent of chamomile and honey filled the air. I didn't have to turn to know who it was.

"What do you want?" I murmured. I really don't want to deal with her right now.

"Nothing much," Jean answered sitting on the chair across from mine. "I want to break both of your legs. But I figured since I'm a guest in your home I'd settle for an arm. If you're willing to oblige me."

I chuckled and eyed her, insolently, from head to toe. I could easily tear her to shreds before she could blink. That's how big the difference is in our strength and stature. But I have to hand it to this woman. She has serious balls. She sought me out, alone, locked the door and has the nerve to threaten me. I don't know if she has amazing skills to back up her threats or just plain stupid. But sure, whatever, I'll sheath my claws for now and play nice.

"If you wanted to attack me you could have done so already," I said my as eyes leveled with hers. "After all, giving out warnings and subtlety is not your cup of tea."

"Your people deserved what they got," she sneered manically. "And you'd deserve what's coming to you if you don't clean up your act."

"Try me," I dared. "I'm not like Bran who charges in without thought or care for my opponent and I won't be caught unaware so easily like Lorcan. And I'm definitely not easy to intimidate like Prior. So go ahead and give it your best shot..."

I haven't finished talking but she already flicked her wrist to attack me. I felt the edge of the sharp blade she threw centimeters away from my face graze my cheek. It landed on the wall behind me with a resounding thud.

I couldn't help the smile that formed in my lips. I had a feeling Jean is the type who carries weapons in her person at all times but I didn't expect her to seriously come at me with a knife.

"Ruari would not like it if we fought." She took out another wicked looking blade from her sleeve and started twirling it in between her slender fingers. "And I really don't like it when Ruari is upset."

Her accusatory glance was hard and uncompromising as it focused on me. I sat still and accepted her silent admonition knowing full well I deserved the censure. I hurt Ruari, I know that, but I don't need her to remind me of the fact because I can punish myself quite well on my own.

"Who are you to him?" I asked after a while, my eyes still locked with hers. "Why do you care so much?"

"I love him." She answered without thought or hesitation. "I love Ruari with all my heart."

Hearing Jean confess her affection for my mate was as painful as hearing Ruari say he loved her.

Again, my mind understands that the love Jean is talking about is not the romantic kind of love or the lustful one. But my entire being is rejecting the idea of sharing that sort fondness or affection when it involves Ruari. I'm arrogant and selfish. I want all of him and I'm not good at sharing.

Jean chewed her lower lip as we continued to stare at each other quietly. My eyes narrowed. She wants to tell me something but was unsure whether it'd improve the situation or not.

"Did you know Ruari almost died five years ago?" She revealed, breaking our eye contact.

I felt a cold sliver of fear crawl slowly up my spine. My heart started beating at an incredible pace. I had to grip the armrest of the chair because my hands started to shake. And for the first time since the conversation started, Keiron stirred wildly inside me with the need to know more.

"I don't think I need to tell you how tough it was for Ruari and Rothe, those first months they went away. You probably went through the same experience with your wolf." Jean continued. She stopped twirling her knife but still refused to look back at me. "But the separation was worse for Ruari. Aside from being away from you he also had to battle the depression he and Rothe plunged into due to your rejection."

"I didn't reject him!" I growled angrily.

Why do they keep saying I rejected Ruari? I never said anything about a rejection or severing our bonds as mates. Granted I over reacted, in a very bad way. I said things I didn't mean and regretted all of it. If Ruari had stayed to hear my explanation I would have told him how confused I was. I would have apologized to him sooner and told him how I ashamed I was of what I said and how I treated him.

I needed time to come to terms with my feelings for fuck's sake! Am I not allowed to have that?

Jean seemed unfazed and unaffected by my words and leaned forward to focus her eyes on mine.

"He had hallucinations. On good days he would see an image of you. He would cry inconsolably for hours. He wouldn't eat or move and he'd fall asleep calling out your name." She said darkly, her eyes suddenly glazed. "On bad days he would remember the beating. He would scream himself hoarse, he would hit and scratch himself. But in his mind they weren't hurting him. They were hurting you. Do you know how painful it is to watch someone you care for act like that?"

No, I don't. And I can't guess either. I don't know how it was for Jean, Lorcan, my parents or my pack, to everyone who had to watch Ruari and I crumble and turn into nothing but shells of ourselves. But I can imagine how Ruari must have felt during those crazy moments because I felt it too.

The pain, the worry and the fear, the distance... all of it could drive you insane from want and longing.

"I was out with my father when it happened. Ruari had one of his attacks and the people we left to guard him weren't strong enough to stop him. He got out of the house. He ran around the city for hours and every time we come close to getting him back he manages to slip by us. It was his worse attack. He didn't recognize anyone, not even me."

Jean's eyes focused and looked straight at me. There was a tone of desperation and guilt in her voice, of fear. It's more than obvious that memory still haunts her.

"He was running down the street then he suddenly jumped in the middle of traffic and was hit by a speeding vehicle. Almost every bone in his body was broken from the impact, his organs were damaged and he suffered severe head trauma."

My whole body tensed and Keiron started howling and growling inside me, clawing to come out.

"He was in a coma for three weeks and the werewolf doctor we consulted have been very straight and told us to prepare for the worst. Rothe was too weak to help him heal and Ruari was too broken to heal alone." Anger blazed in her eyes when she asked. "Do you want to know why he jumped in the middle of the traffic?"

Oh god no! NO! Please don't tell me...

"Ruari thought he saw you walking on the other side of the street." She bit out.

Jean's hand closed around the sharp edge of the blade and blood instantly trickled from her palm to the wooden floor.

"You asked me who am I to him. I honestly don't know. You have to ask him that. But Ruari is important to me. He's part of my family. I was there when he plunged into hell. I watched as he struggled to drag himself back. You asked me why I care. It's because I helped him live through it all and I don't want to see any of it happen to him ever again."

I closed my eyes and let my head drop in defeat.

It's my loss. Damn!

I really don't understand anything. Jean is right, I deserve to have both my legs broken and I'd throw both my arms too. But even if I do that it still won't be enough... nothing I do would ever be enough to make up for what I put Ruari through.

"You could have talked to him but instead you fought and argued. Ruari came upstairs with reddened eyes, more quiet than usual!" Jean snarled standing up, toppling her chair backward. "If you don't want to lose him I suggest you stop acting like a moronic prick and start to really take care of him."

"What do you want me to do?" I asked.

I'm honestly open to suggestions. This is out of my league. Everything between Ruari and I seemed to be out of my depth. All my plans, decisions, everything I do amounts to nothing but failures when it comes to him.

"Talk to him Ciaran," Jean said. "Forget your pride. Forget everything and just focus on him. Be honest. Tell him the truth and don't hold anything back."

When I didn't say or do anything, she moved to leave the room. But before she opened the door she looked back at me.

"I'm not the enemy. I'm not going to take Ruari away unless he asks me to." She warned. "But I can't say the same for his family."

"Family?" I asked dumbly, confused.

What is she talking about? Everyone knows Ruari is an orphan. Both his parents died on a raid and he doesn't have other relatives.

"You never bothered to check his background, did you?" She sighed irritably. "Don't you think it's unnatural that no one really knows where Ruari came from, who his parents are? You've been told his parents are dead, but are they really? None of you ever questioned his circumstance. You just accepted it as fact. You have enough resources and manpower Ciaran. If you dig a little you'd understand what I'm talking about."

Jean yanked open the door before leaving me with a final advice.

"Make up with Ruari before his family comes for him. Once they find out what he's been through while he was under the care of your pack they're going to take him away and there'd be nothing you could do to stop them." And with that she was gone.

If Ruari's family comes to take him away I would never see him again... It wasn't a threat but a warning.

Whoever Ruari's family are they must have influence if Jean thinks I wouldn't be able to do anything if they decide to take him away.

With the threat from the collector and raiders on one side, Ruari's apparent family on the other and Jean's subtle insinuation about taking him away... Shit! It's like everyone is conspiring to take my mate away from me.

Well fuck them!

They could all come and try to pry him off my dead body because that's the only way they'd get him away from me, after I'm dead and cold.