pix of Ciaran ----->

nyahaha i changed the pic to one where he looked more like a cutie than toughie >_<

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It felt good to finally have him secured in my arms.

When Lorcan told me Ruari managed to escape them earlier I felt like I was going to explode. Keiron, my wolf, was growling in annoyance telling me we should have gone to personally pick him up.

I know why he doesn't want to return to the pack and I understand why he felt the need to run away. We treated him badly, me most of all. I'm his mate, his other half. I should be the one to protect him, to love and cherish him. But instead of doing all that I told him I wished he were dead.

I remember the day of Ruari's sixteenth birthday. None of us knew because most of the pack treated him like he was nothing. I didn't know the extent of the cruelty until he was already gone. I was sure they were just making fun of him for being a runt. And back then, as the son of the alpha, it was beneath my notice. I heard the stories but didn't do anything about it because I never knew him, not personally at least. I'm afraid to admit, back then, I didn't care about anyone but myself.

I was a brat at eighteen. When I was made alpha I loved the authority and the power that comes with the title. I grew up spoiled thinking my needs come first above others. I'm well liked and get anyone or anything that I wanted without much difficulty or effort. And people fawning over me all the time because of my looks and status didn't help my already inflated ego.

Ruari's sixteenth birthday was the first day I got back from Alpha Academy. The pack was preparing for my induction ceremony and it was the first time in three years that I'm stepping on pack lands.

I was sent to the academy at fifteen to make sure I'm mentally and physically prepared to take my responsibilities as pack leader and at the same time to prevent me from marking anyone since I've been showing signs of dominance and aggressiveness towards the unmated females of the pack.

As alpha any unmated female could be pledged to me. I can mark them as my own and still claim my mate if or when she appears. But to avoid conflict within the pack, since I choose high-ranking females to mess around with, I was sent to Alpha Academy to control or at least learn to tamper my dominant urges. They made me stay there for three years with Lorcan since he was going to be my beta.

That day I felt charged like something important was going to happen and my wolf was jumping around happily which was very unusual because Keiron never shows excessive emotion unless he wants to tear someone's throat out. Being the arrogant ass that I was, I ignored my heightened emotions thinking it's just the effect of finally being able to come home. I missed the pack and most of all I missed the land, though I would be dead first before I admit it to anyone.

Everything was perfect in my world until Ruari came around the living room, where I was chatting with some of the pack members, and yelped 'mate' excitedly. I was horrified. Forget the fact that he's the lowest ranking wolf in the pack he's a male for fuck's sake!  

I wasn't gay. I was 100% sure of that. It's fact. I enjoy sex with females too much to ever consider myself being gay. My wolf, though, didn't agree with me. He took one look at Ruari and thought he was beautiful. Perfect. Keiron was purring in delight telling me he was who we needed in our life to keep us balanced and in line.

I hated it, not Ruari but the situation. I just got a taste of freedom for the first time in three years. I was just became alpha for goodness sake! Then suddenly a mate whom I'm not certain I'd claim is thrust upon me by fate. I wanted some time to soak up the glory of being a pack leader and I didn't want the baggage of a troublesome mate. And Ruari had trouble written all over him. Besides whoever heard of a male Luna? I didn't want him. I'd rather be mateless than become a laughingstock of the whole pack!

Or so I thought...

Ruari approached me slowly, warily. He could feel something was wrong with me but he doesn't understand what. Before he could say or do anything I pushed him away, harshly, shouting, "I hate you. I wish you were dead!"

The moment the words flew out of my mouth I regretted them. My wolf howled in pain and I felt the mating bond between us stretch to almost breaking. He wanted me to take back what I said. Keiron was frantically screaming, clawing and scratching at me. He wanted me to apologize right away but the sudden blank and dead look on Ruari's mismatched eyes stopped me.

I realized the enormity of what I had done literally seconds after I did it. I realized what a horrible and selfish son of a bitch I was. I couldn't stand myself at the moment so I turned tail and ran like the coward I was.

I ran for hours, even when I felt like something bad was happening to Ruari I didn't go back. I thought it was just my rejection taking its toll on him. I never considered the possibility that he might actually be in danger within the pack house. My wolf was frantic. Keiron wanted us to go back but I ignored him.

How could I go back when I have done a very unforgiveable thing and worse I did it on a public setting? If I wanted to reject him I could have done it on private and explained to him why. I didn't have to be that cruel. And to tell him I wished for his death, how could I show my face to him again?

Lorcan followed me and like always he quietly stayed beside me without expressing his opinion. But I could feel the disappointment oozing out of him. We've been best friends for a long time for me not to notice when he was upset with me. Despite that, he still looked for me and stayed beside me because more than a friend that's what a beta would do for his alpha, to always be there.

When I finally got the balls to go back and talk to Ruari about our situation the others happily informed me that they took care of the problem for me. I stiffened and so did Lorcan who was standing beside me.

They cheerfully told us how they beat my mate senseless and left him bleeding and unconscious on a clearing not far from the pack house. They cursed him in my presence, spitting venomously on how much he deserved the beating he got for being an insufferable eyesore and for thinking he could get away with claiming me as his mate.

They were all laughing, jeering at how much beating Ruari would receive in the future not noticing I wasn't laughing with them. At that moment, I just wanted to kill them all!

Keiron shoved me aside and from the shock of hearing about what happened to Ruari after I left him alone to fend for himself, I withdrew completely.

This is your fucking fault! Keiron screamed in my head as he tear through their flesh and crush their bones with his fangs and claws. If you had listened to me none of this would have happened!

The warrior wolves came when they heard the commotion in the house. Lorcan tried to stop Keiron's rampage but he was just beta to my alpha. He could succeed me if the situation calls for it but he would never be able to surpass me while I'm in command.

If something happens to Ruari I would kill your family, your whole pack and I will leave you with nothing! Keiron threatened as he tear through the house hurting everyone who dared to hurt our mate.

I didn't do anything to stop him. I allowed him to go wild. I wanted to hurt them as much as they hurt him. Keiron was right. It was my fault. Because of my pride and ego something horrible has happened to an innocent person.

It took ten warrior wolves and my father to stop Keiron from tearing down the pack house. They had me pinned down snapping and growling when Mirabelle came in, on her grey wolf form, carrying an unconscious Ruari on her back. I pushed back to the surface, shifted to my human form, struggled out of everyone's hold and took him in my arms.

I didn't care if I was naked in front of the pack with the evidence of carnage lying everywhere. I cradled Ruari's limp body in my arms and looked at the damaged they'd done. He was bruised and bloodied. Broken. He was so still and his skin was deathly cold, if I couldn't hear his heart beating I would have assumed he was dead. I didn't realize I was crying until I saw my tears falling freely on his pale skin.

I took him to his room in the attic and allowed no one inside aside from Mirabelle. I only left for a few minutes to clean myself and to put some clothes on. When I came back Ruari was awake and he was crying. Heart wrenching sobs that tore through my heart and soul.

I slide down the wall and sat on the floor outside his bedroom listening to him cry. I felt cold, empty. I don't know how long I sat there, staring at nothing. I didn't even notice when Lorcan came to sit beside me cradling his broken arm. My father came to summon me for a council meeting to talk about what has to be done about my situation with Ruari but I ignored the summons. I ignored everyone until Mirabelle came out of the room to tell me he was now asleep and resting.

I took that as an opportunity to go in his room and see him. I was a coward. I didn't know if I could withstand the painful and hateful look in his eyes if I go to him while he was awake and could condemn me for my sins. But I wanted to make sure he would be alright.

I touched the skin on his cheek that wasn't marred with bruises and smiled when I felt it warm instead of cold. He was still battered but he wasn't as pale as he was before.

I sat down on the side of the bed and held one of his hands in between mine. I brought it to my cheeks and I felt Keiron purr at the contact. I wanted to lie beside him, wrap my arms around his body and protect him from everyone who wants to hurt him.

After that I reluctantly went to the council meeting and a few hours later, Ruari had disappeared.

Where do I begin? How do I apologize? It's been five years and I still have no idea on how to make it up to him.

I looked sideways at Ruari. He matured over the years. We both did. At twenty-one his looks are more defined and more beautiful in my eyes. He grew out his chestnut brown hair and it suited him. It framed his face giving him a softer look. I just noticed it's naturally streaked with copper and blonde strands. His mismatched eyes looked older, wiser and a bit tired. Like he'd seen and experienced a lot of the world and maybe he did. But they were the same arresting colors that I remember well. His full attention is focused outside, to the scenery flashing us by. And I have all the time in my hands to drink in the image of him I missed over the years he was away.

I know I did a lot of wrong things in the past and worse, I didn't realize my mistakes until I was too late to change them. But one thing is for certain. I would rather die than loose him again.