***TW: Mention of past miscarriage***

My brother sat before me, exhaustion painting his usually spirited complexion and something that looked suspiciously like pizza sauce staining his light blue t-shirt. 

"Are you okay?"

It was selfish of me to assume I was the only one going through it, especially considering I didn't have a pregnant spouse and a three year old to worry about. 

"Not really, but I didn't want to spend this time talking about me.  I...I don't know how to say this, so I'll just come out with it.  I'm so fucking sorry, Elodie."

Tears immediately pricked at my eyes at his words, and I placed a hand out on his own that was covering a plastic cup filled with vanilla ice cream with chocolate sprinkles, the order that I forced him to get when we were younger and it sort of just stuck with him over time. 

"Eli, you don't have to--"

"No, I do."

He did, but I hated being apologized to.  It made me feel uncomfortable and put on the spot, but I shoved down my emotions for the moment and allowed him to speak. 

"When you came to live with us, I was scared out of my mind that I would fuck something up, and I was right.  I should've tried talking to you more, tried to push past your walls, but I was still dealing with my own trauma, and then my career and V's singing and then the wedding and Evie and it was all just so much that I should've taken a step back to check in with you and make sure you were doing fine, and you clearly weren't.

"It was just easier for me to think that you were okay, just because we got you out and spent quality time together on family game night and you went to therapy once a week.  When the adrenaline shit started, I thought that it was normal acting out stuff, but then it got more dangerous.  I kept putting the conversation off because it was too hard and I couldn't think about it without thinking about what happened to the both of us, drowning in my own guilt and grief for the family that we should've had...I should have protected you.  It was my job, and I should have fucking been there, and I am so sorry.  You are my baby sister, and I didn't protect you when I should have, when I could have done something.  It's all my fault."

The sound of bustling shoppers in the mall around us prattled on, unaware of the emotional upheaval in the food court mere steps from them. 

Cash registers rang out, music blared from a tech shop across the food court, a server yelled out an order in Spanish, a baby cried out from where the mother had just pulled them from the stroller--all of it blended together and yet faded to the background as my brother fell apart in front of me. 

My brother--strong, superstar basketball player Eli Shepherd, was crying in front of me in public where anyone could notice.

"It wasn't your fault we were abused.  It wasn't your job to protect me, it was my father's job not to abuse and hurt us, but he did.  I've come to terms with it.  We should've had a better family back then, but we have a chance now to make an amazing one for Evie and your new baby coming.  You can't tell me what to do now to cling onto that protective instinct, because Matthew is far from abusive.  If you think that low of your best friend, then I don't know what that says about you if you can't trust him with me.  But this is my life, and while I respect you and love you so much, you don't control me or this."

Eli nodded solemnly, red eyes drying and cast downward as he breathed deeply as if he were trying to catch his breath. 

"I've been a mess since we found out about this pregnancy.  I know it's no excuse, but before we found out this time V was pregnant, she had a miscarriage a few months before.  I was terrified out of my mind that this one would end up that way, too, so I've been so anxious and uptight about everything that I've just been losing my mind.  

"I'm trying to be strong for V, for you in the middle of your dad coming back into the picture...I guess the Matthew thing jumping out at me kind of slapped me in the face.  I am so sorry for the things I've said to you, for failing to step up when you needed me most and for acting like a complete asshole lately.  I love you, Elodie.  Sometimes it feels like I'm more like your dad than your brother, and I have to remember my place now that you're eighteen and you can take care of yourself."

My heart hit a speed bump in my chest as Eli spoke about V and her miscarriage. 

They had never said anything. 

They hadn't even acted like anything was wrong...

I thought back to the months leading up to V finding out she was pregnant with their newest child, and...

It was when I had slowed down on the adrenaline chasing, but I remembered a particular fight with Eli about dating Ben, something so stupid and irrational and I had lashed out in the only way I knew how. 

I had driven out with the guys to the Delaware River for white water rafting without telling Eli or V, and had nearly given them a heart attack as the tour leader had to call them to notify them that our kayak had tipped and they called an ambulance to check on everyone in our party, but we were all completely fine, but...the damage was done. 

Eli had grounded me until the day I'd turned eighteen a week later. 

And all that time...

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Eli took in my crestfallen look and immediately knew where my thoughts had turned. 

"We didn't want you to worry about V.  She had to go under for a procedure to...clean out her system so she didn't get an infection, and she was worried that you would freak out and it was so close to your birthday anyway, we wanted you to be happy, enjoy your childhood before being an adult came crashing down."

A humorless laugh escaped my throat. 

"Didn't you know?  I learned how to be an adult way before I turned eighteen, but I still hate that I wasn't there for you when that happened, there for V, too.  I can handle the truth of things happening, Eli.  I can handle the fact that my father is back, and I can handle medical emergencies.  I don't want our relationship to go back to the way it used to be, with you walking on eggshells around me just waiting for me to snap and go off the deep end.  I love you and our family, and nothing is going to get in the way of that.  Okay?"

His eyes were misting again, but he only swallowed once and nodded his head, gripping my hand in his like I would slip away from him. 

A sudden chirping of his cellphone filled the air with the sound of his favorite singer's newest song. 

"Really?  Felicity Reeves?  Isn't that, like, a betrayal to your wife?"

Eli sent me a begrudging smile before locking his phone to silence the music blaring through it. 

"Her contact is her music, and Matthew's is Felicity Reeves' music.  I probably shouldn't tell you this, but he's definitely her celebrity crush."

I laughed off the warning in his voice.

"And she's also incredibly married.  And also incredibly pregnant, too, so I think that's a no-go, but if he gets a celebrity crush then I get one too."

Eli smiled sharply, happy to be back on the topic of busting his friend's balls, even if said friend wasn't even present yet. 

We happily ate our ice cream in our own little world, transporting me back to when I was ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen...just content to chat with my big brother as he ate the ice cream I forced him to get and tease him about his incredibly teen girl-ish taste in music. 

And for a moment, everything was perfect in my world. 

There was no anxiety, no sense of dread creeping up on the back of my neck threatening to tug me under. 

There was only me and the family that was trying so hard to show me their love and care for me, and all was bliss. 

I didn't even notice the photographers that had been stationed out front waiting for us to leave. 

I didn't notice the camera phones pointed directly at us, invading our privacy. 

Nope, I didn't notice V's fans gawking at us like an art exhibit from another planet. 

I didn't notice Eli's favorite body guard seated at a table next to us pretending to be on his phone but really checking each entry and exit for an escape route unless things got hairy. 

I most definitely didn't notice my father, either, staring emotionless at his 'kids' while he hid in a vantage point that hid him from our sight, but not from the photographers. 

I found him in the third picture splashed on Page Six, hidden amongst the food court trash cans and a support beam, staring. 

Staring. 

Waiting. 

Just...waiting.

***

A/N:

What did you think of this chapter?

Do Eli's actions lately make more sense now that we see the big picture?  Not an excuse, but an explanation at last. 

What do you think will happen next? 

What do you WANT to happen next? 

Let me know what you think in the comments, I want THEORIES!!!!!!!!!!

Until next time my lovely readers, 
Kristen :)