Confessions

Background color
Font
Font size
Line height

Subaru woke up and started screaming. It wasn't words that came from his mouth, just pure agony that escaped his lips.

Rem, accompanied by Felix, quickly came to his room, worried for Subaru's health.

"Subaru, what is it? What is troubling you?" Rem asked. She had no idea what had Subaru screaming like he was, but it scared her. The person that she was seeing was not even reminiscent of the person who had been with her yesterday.

Subaru's screaming stopped when Rem talked, but he still didn't respond. 

Felix took this opportunity to check for any curses, magic-related effects, and physical damage, but he found nothing. "It doesn't look nyike there's anything wrong with him," he told Rem.

Rem sat by Subaru, who was still laying down. She laid her land on his head, and stroked his hair. "Subaru-kun, what's wrong? Why won't you talk?" She looked sad, and she had every reason to be worried.

The only response she got was a groan from Subaru, whose eyes didn't even seem to be connected to his brain. No matter how they looked at it, Subaru's mind was broken. 

"Can you fix him, Felix? I have no idea as to what caused this, so do you have any ideas?" Rem looked at Felix, hoping that the healer would know what to do.

Felix scratched his ears. "Nyai don't know what caused this, but I do know that maybe having somebody important to Subaru-kyun talk to him might snap him out of it. That's all the advice nyai can give you."

Rem pondered for a moment, and then had an idea. "There are two people who might be able to do this. Would Crusch-sama be willing to transport Subaru-kun and myself to the Hoshin residence, then the Mather's domain if necessary?"

Time Skip

Crusch approved Rem's request, and lent her a dragon carriage. "Here is a map of the route you will take to get to the Hoshin residence. Once again, I am sorry that I cannot provide a driver, as I need as many of my camp members here, with me." Crush handed Rem a map, and apologized for the inconvenience. 

Rem shook her head. "There is no need to apologize. You have been kind enough to allow us to borrow a carriage, so I do not mind at all."

Crusch then extended her hand as a farewell. "Good luck. I hope that you can help Natsuki-san."

Rem shook her hand, and replied, "Thank you."

Once they parted hands, Rem took the reins and made sure that Subaru was secure next to her. He didn't seem to be able to move on his own, so she had to make sure that he wouldn't fall during the ride.

She pulled the reins, and the ground dragon began pulling the cart.

At one point, the road became very bumpy, and Subaru fell into her lap. Rem blushed, but kept on guiding the dragon to their destination, which wasn't too far away. To be honest, she cherished having Subaru lay on her, but she was too afraid to say it out loud. When the right moment came, she was going to confess to him. One day....

She caught herself drifting into her thoughts, and continued driving the carriage. 

As she drove, she wondered what was going to happen to Subaru. Would (Y/N) be able to help him? If not, would Emilia? To be honest, part of her was hurt by the fact that he didn't respond much to her, but as long as Subaru was able to get better, she didn't mind who helped him.

When she arrived at the mansion, she was immediately confronted by Julius, who had seen her coming while training (Y/N). "What is wrong with Subaru? I can see that he doesn't seem to be in the right mind." Julius looked worried, and you came from behind him.

"Actually, I do not know what is wrong. I was hoping that (Y/N) could talk to him, and perhaps get him to return back to normal." Rem looked at you, her eyes begging you to help Subaru. He was propped up in the front of the dragon carriage, his eyes rolling around and his face contorted. Just by looking at him, you reach a conclusion: he's faking it, just like he did in the anime. 

"Okay, I think I can help him. If you don't mind, can you give us some space?" The two of them nodded, and walked out of earshot.

When they were far enough away, you sighed. "Subaru. Stop acting like this. I'm pretty sure that you're faking this, so stop. It's not going to help anyone, so get up and let's make a plan. You can tell me what went wrong."

The only response you got was a groan. 

"Well, think about it this way. Emilia will only blame herself if you return to her like this, that is if the White Whale or Witch Cult doesn't attack you on the way to her. Just stop acting, and like I said, we can make a plan."

As you said this, you saw Subaru's left eye twitch, so your theory was just about confirmed. Subaru still wouldn't talk though, so you resorted to drastic action. 

"If you won't talk, I'm going to hit you where it hurts." You couldn't think of a better threat, so you used this. Of course, Subaru didn't react, but you knew that he was silently wondering if you would actually do it.

Of course you're going to do it. You stood up, and walked next to Subaru. You dramatically raised your leg, ready to strike. "This is your last warning. On the count of three, I'm gonna do it. One. Two..." You hesitated, waiting for a reaction. There wasn't one, so you shrugged. "Oh well. Three." You kicked him in the crotch, and Subaru couldn't stop his reflexes. 

He doubled over in pain, and gasped, "What was that for?"

"Well, I did warn you. Now, tell me. What went wrong?" You knew that whatever it was, it was bad.

Subaru went quiet again, so you sat down next to him. "If you're not going to tell me, then fine. Can you at least tell me if you know when the White Whale appears and when the Witch Cult attacks?" You ask nicely, since you already used the violence card.

Nice didn't work. Subaru immediately frowned. Harshly, he told you, "You don't need to know that. There's no way to beat them. I even brought Reinhard last time, and Emilia still died. Even Rem died. So something will always go wrong, and there's no way around that. I just keep on suffering, only to have to do it all over again. I'm done. Let me talk to Rem."

"Subaru, you can't give up. Don't you want everyone to live? To be happy? I understand that you're going through pain, but-"

"No you don't!" Subaru exclaimed. "If you understood, you wouldn't keep on asking me to do this. It's too much. It's impossible. I can't do it."

You shook your head. "No, it's not. I know that you can do it. If we just plan the right way-"

"No plan works! Get your plans out of your head! There's always casualties! So shut up and get Rem over here." He put his head down, not paying you any heed anymore.

At this point, Rem is your only hope of getting stubborn Subaru out of his stupor, so you walk over to her. "(Y/N)! I saw Subaru talking to you! You did it! What was wrong with him?" Rem hugged you, but it was too early to celebrate.  

"Well, he just experienced some trauma, so I just shocked him out of it." 

Julius was also happy that you were able to help Subaru, but he noticed the distressed look on your face. "What is wrong, (Y/N)? Is something still the matter with Subaru?"

You nod your head. "Rem, he wants to talk to you." You motion for her to get closer so you can whisper to her. Cupping your hands to her ear, you say, "You need to tell him how you feel. He's lost all motivation to do anything, so please help him."

She looked surprised, and blushed. "W-well, I will see what I can do." While Rem made her way to Subaru, Julius asked what you said to her.

"Did you just ask her to help Subaru, even though you were the one that was supposed to help him?" He glared at you, ready to give you a lesson on finishing things that you start.

"Well, I did get him to snap out of it, but he has some self-esteem issues that only Rem can fix, so I asked her to help him."

Julius understood, so he didn't lecture you. "Self-esteem... I should probably talk to him later. I believe that we need to discuss our actions at the capital, and find peace." He thought some more. "Speaking of self-esteem, you truly have come a long way from how you were acting in the throne room."

You hadn't thought about it, but you really have come a long way. You were less petty, and you even found a reason to be doing everything. "Yeah, I guess I have. Subaru, on the other hand, has gone through more than me, so he's going to need some more encouragement if he's going to be able to come to terms with himself..."

Back To Subaru

"Rem, let's run away." Subaru kept a straight face, but Rem could tell that he was serious

"What?" Rem looked even more worried. "I've noticed the... unpleasant stench on you has grown. Maybe that..."

"No. It has nothing to do with that. The fact is, I've been forced to realize some things, and my experiences have led me here. So I'm going to ask you again. Rem, will you run away with me?" He extended his hand towards her, hoping that she would take it.

She still looked confused, so Subaru continued. "I'm going to leave this place and head west. Maybe north."

Rem's eyes widened. "Um..."

Ignoring her, Subaru kept on babbling. "I heard that no one can enter the southern kingdom, so just one of those two. To be honest, I think I prefer the west."

"Well, actually..." Rem mumbled.

"Honestly, it could be a long journey." Subaru wasn't even looking at Rem anymore. He was too focused on the future. 

Rem brought him back when she put a hand on his shoulder. "Wait... slow down. The way that you said that makes it sound as if you plan on going to a country other than Lugnica..." She suddenly brightened up. "Oh! It must be because you had another brilliant idea, right? Something that will help Emilia-sama, Roswaal-sama, and (Y/N)!" She smiled, hoping that she was correct.

Subaru shook his head. "That's not it, Rem." Her smile vanished. "There's nothing I can do in the capital. And I'm just as powerless if I go back to the mansion. That's what I figured out. I'm useless to them, so please run away with me! We can't stay here, so please..." He looked down, his face crestfallen. "No one ever needed me... so let's leave together."

It was Rem's turn to shake her head. "No! That's not true!"

"Yes it is!" Subaru raised his voice. "It's been spelled out for me plenty of times, and the only person who thinks I can do anything places unrealistic expectations on me! I can't do it! That's why I've decided to just disappear! It's for the best. Anything I do will just lead to death. I can't save everybody, so..." Flashbacks of dead bodies flashed through his head. He saw Rem with a blade in her head, Emilia's crumpled figure, Puck freezing everything, the White Whale killing Rem, being swallowed alive... "I've had enough, so please run with me."

"B-but this is so sudden..." Rem stuttered. 

"We don't have time," Subaru desperately pressed. "I'm sorry that this is so sudden, but please..."

"Are you sure that you are fine? Maybe your head is still-"

"I am fine! Just choose! I can't stay here much longer!" 

"Choose?" Rem softly murmured.

"Yes. Choose. Me? Or someone else? I know that times will be hard, but I know that if you are always waiting for me with a smile, I'll be able to get through it, so please! Choose me!" Once again, he weakly extended his hand towards Rem.

She had a small smile on her face. "Subaru-kun..."

He gasped, thinking that she was about to say yes. "I cannot run away with you. We're supposed to laugh together as we talk about the future, right?"

Subaru was disappointed. "We might not be able to laugh now, but once we get moving, I bet we can-" His desperation was interrupted by Rem.

"To be honest, I have thought about it too." She looked into the sky, and recalled her daydreams. They could move to Kararagi, and rent a place to stay. They could find work, and eventually have children. Even when the children grew up, she would still love him. She described a happy life away from Lugnica, and Subaru looked even more crestfallen as she described it.

"Rem..." He closed his eyes, holding back tears. "If you've even thought of it that far, why won't you run away with me? Why?"

With a peaceful look, she replied, "If you could talk about that future with a smile, I would be happy to die that way. As long as I could be with you, I would be content. Just hearing that you want me with you when you run away makes me happy from the bottom of my heart." She clenched her chest. "But I cannot. Because I know that if we run away right now, I would be leaving behind the Subaru-kun that I love most."

She then looked him in the eyes. "Subaru-kun, please tell me what happened. (Y/N) said that you went through something traumatic, so please let me know what happened."

Subaru shook his head, but no words came from his mouth.

"If you cannot, please trust me! I can make things right!"

Once again, flashbacks of Rem dying flew through Subaru's mind. "No... you can't... You'll just..."

Subaru paused, and Rem filled the silence. "For now, we need to head back to Crusch-sama's residence, or stay here for a while. If we take our time and consider things calmly, maybe we will find a different answer."

Subaru shook his head again. "No we won't! I've agonized over this. I've suffered. I've tried multiple times, but the result is always failure, so the only option left is to run away! I've given up!"

Rem smiled. "It's easy to give up..." Subaru looked back up at her.

"It's easy? Did you just say giving up is easy? Don't give me that! There's nothing easy about giving up! All of you think that I'm doing nothing, just cutting myself off from everything! And that's all that it takes to give up!?" He was screaming at this point. "It's not easy to give up! It's a lot easier to think that I can do something, but there's nothing that I can do! There's no way out! All the paths come together, and the only result is to give up! If there was something that I could do... I would do it!"

Rem's smile was gone, but she continued what she was saying earlier. "Subaru-kun, giving up is easy... but it doesn't suit you. I do not know what painful things that you went through, or what you have come to know that makes you suffer so much. And I know that it would be wrong of me to say that I understand what you are going through. But even so... there's something that I do know. You are a person who cannot give up halfway through. I know you are someone who can't give up on the future."

Subaru looked almost horrified. "I'm not-"

"Yes you are. You haven't given up on anyone. Not Emilia-sama. Not my sister. Not Beatrice-sama. Not me. Or anyone else."

Subaru argued with Rem. "Yes I have! It was impossible to do all of this from the start! My hands are just too small, and it all just slipped through my fingers, leaving nothing."

She countered with, "No, that's not true. You have-"

"What do you know!?" He shouted, scaring Rem. "What do you know about me!? This is the kind of man that I am! When something is too difficult or too scary, I give up! I have no strength, but I want it all! I have no knowledge, but all I ever do is dream! There's nothing that I can do, so I just struggle in vain! I... I hate myself! All I do is talk big, and make myself seem like a big shot, but I can't do anything! I have never accomplished anything by myself! All I do is complain! Who do I think I am!? It's amazing that I can live like this without being ashamed...right!? I'm empty! There's nothing in me! I know that! It's obvious!"

At this point, Subaru was crying freely. "Before I came here, do you even have an idea of what I did!? Huh!? I did nothing! I wasted my life. I wasted my parents' lives. I had all that time, all that freedom, but I did nothing! I could have done anything, but I did nothing! And this thing is the result! What I am now is the result. All of my powerlessness, my incompetence, is a result of my rotten character. Hoping to accomplish something while I did nothing goes beyond the limits of arrogance! The laziness and wasteful habits from my pampered life ended up costing so many lives!" He grabbed his face.

"That's right... (Y/N) was right. I am powerless. I can't do anything. How did I convince myself otherwise? How could he make me think otherwise? If anything, he should understand my feelings the most... You know what? I hate myself. I have no right to live happily. I don't deserve anything. At the heart, I'm just a small, cowardly, filthy piece of trash. Nothing about me has changed!"

There was a brief moment of silence before Rem said, "I know that no matter how far you have fallen into the darkness, you still have the courage to reach out your hand."

She then began to say what she saw in Subaru. "I love it when you stroke my hair. I feel as if we can understand each other through the contact between your hand and my hair. I love your voice. Just hearing you say one word makes my heart feel warmer. I love your eyes. Normally, they look stern, but when you are being kind to someone, I love the way they soften. I love your fingers. For a boy, you have such lovely fingers, but when they clutch mine, I know they are strong. I love the way you walk. When we walk together, I love the way you occasionally turn to make sure I am keeping up."

Subaru's face was contorted between confusion and fear. "Stop..." He didn't want to hear this. He was a terrible person, not someone that had so many things to love about them.

Rem continued. "I love the way you look when you sleep. You look unguarded, like an infant, and your eyelashes are a bit on the long side. When I touch your cheek, you calm down. And when I playfully touch your lips, you don't even notice, and it makes my heart ache tremendously. I love all of it."

Subaru looked away from Rem, unable to accept what she said. "Why...?"

"When you said that you hated yourself, it made me want to tell  you all the wonderful things that I know about you."

"That's all make believe... You don't know the real me! I've just been putting up an act, just trying to act tough... Trust me! I know myself better than anyone!"

This comment was the one that finally sent Rem over the edge. "You only know how you see yourself! How much do you know about the Subaru-kun that I know?!" She then began to cry. 

Subaru was perplexed. "Why do you like me so much? I'm so... weak. And small. I'm running away, just like I always do, so why?"

Rem stopped crying, and beamed a huge smile. "Because you are my hero! In that dark forest, when I didn't even know who I was anymore, and couldn't think about anything but violently lashing out, you saved me! When I woke up, unable to move, and my sister was exhausted, you faced the mabeasts as a distraction and allowed us to escape! There was no way that you would win, and your life was in real danger, but you still managed to survive. You came back to my arms, alive and warm. When you woke up, you smiled and said the words that I wanted to hear the most when I wanted to hear them the most, from the one who I wanted to hear them from the most. My time was stopped for so long. Ever since that fiery night, the night that I lost everything except for my sister, my time was stopped."

Memories of her tragic past flooded Rem's mind. "It was you that melted my frozen heart, and kindly allowed me to start moving forward again! I am sure that you have no idea how much you saved me, or how happy you made me that

You are reading the story above: TeenFic.Net