Chapter 26

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Alex stood staring at Kate through the half-opened door. His heart lurched, seeing how pale she still looked. The color of her skin almost looked equivalent to the bandage around her head and the sheets that were pulled up to her chest. She was skinny, he noticed, too skinny. Her cheeks had sunk in slightly, and her eyes held exhaustion. 

As his mother talked to Kate, he stood there watching, listening, and hoping against all hopes. He watched her with longing, and he watched her with regret. At that moment, he wished nothing more than to have her locked in his embrace and never let go. But he knew it was not that easy. It would never be easy.

When Tamara uttered the word God, Alex had to bite the inside of his cheek. He mentally shook his head at that. 

"But I'm not God. I'm just... Kate."

His breath got caught in his throat hearing her. She was just Kate, and she was his world. 

A moment passed, and he stiffened as her eyes met his. He didn't dare release the breath from his lungs when her eyes widened seeing him. 

Saying something softly to Kate and patting her hand, Tamara turned around to leave, and while walking past him, she looked at him briefly. It was just a vacant, gloomy look. The sense of melancholy was strong.

Kate had looked away when he walked in gingerly, taking languid steps. He knew that even though she was staring up at the ceiling only, she was still very much aware of him. He could tell it — maybe because of the way her shoulders got rigid, or maybe because of the way her hands curled around a fistful of the bed sheet. 

"K... Kate?" He stuttered in fear - in that little bit of hope that was still alive inside him. The hope to have her forgiveness, the hope to once again hold his world in his arms. 

But then, that last bit of his hope got diminished.

Feeling greedy and overwhelmed with the urge to touch her — at least for a little bit, his finger reached out towards her cheek. But sucking in a sudden breath, Kate turned her face to the other side as if the mere sight of him perturbed her — as if the mere touch of his would burn her. And he realized with torment engulfing his soul that there was nothing surprising there that she felt so repulsive of him. He had said and had done enough to bring her where she stood now, so far away from him.

Was there any way to unsay all he had said?

Was there any way to undo what he had done?

He withdrew his hand and shoved it into his hair. A lone tear dropped down his one eye.

"Kate," he croaked, wishing against all odds that things could be rectified somehow. "I'm... so sorry—"

"Please, leave," Kate cut in, breathing heavily. Her face was still moved away from him, and her voice was almost inaudible, as though it was a carefully left-out sigh. 

His gut twisted. 

He dropped down to the stool and held her hand with both of his, like a dying man clinging onto what was his lifeline. "Kate, please."

Her hand wriggled in his hands, weakly attempting to get out of his hold. And then she slackened suddenly. Her eyes blinked rapidly with tears that she did not shed. She still did not look at him. She still was rigid of his presence. "I can't," she said, her voice holding a panicked urgency as she spoke this time. "You need to understand that I can't. Please, leave."

He felt all strength, hope, and light leave his heart. As his fingers loosened, she slid out of his fists like sand. 




--


Only when she heard him leave, did she let out a shattering sigh. Feeling the silence out of place, she turned her eyes toward the sofa where Neil, Victor, and Ellie had been asleep. Only she discovered that they were not sleeping anymore and were awake and very much staring at her with unfathomable expressions.

Kate groaned. "What?"

Ellie snorted. "You could have done better."

"Better?"

"Yeah, like punch him in the nose and settle the issue once and for all. But I understand that you must be feeling frail from the operation and all the medicine and all. Well, in that case, we can ambush Alex later, and you can properly punch him then."

Neil was suddenly rubbing his own jaw thoughtfully, perhaps recalling a particular punch that a certain woman had placed there in the past. 

Kate stayed quiet as her friends got into an argument that revolved around throwing punches and the proper way to do it so that the opponent could be damaged remarkably. She zoned out. Her mind twirled back to Alex. The pain in his eyes, the regret and guilt she'd seen there in those few moments, she could not get that out of her mind. She had looked away for she feared that she would fall weak. It was because there was a time when she had loved that man. She'd loved him so much that when he'd pushed her away from him, it'd shattered her in the worst possible way. Her heart lay still broken inside her chest, and the scoundrel emotion named love beat painfully. She'd feared that another look at the emotions in his eyes, and once again, she would become putty in his hands, which she couldn't allow to happen in any way. 

How she'd loved Alex was all-consuming, and one day it'd become self-destructive. It was a scary place. 

She didn't want to go back there. She didn't want her world to revolve around only one person anymore. 

She knew and could very well understand that Alex was as much a victim in Maya's conspiracy as she was. But still, it was not Maya who'd put those crude words of humiliating accusations into his mouth. It'd been him speaking the whole time. Maya had pulled the strings, and Alex'd easily let her. And while they'd lit the fire to burn Kate, she was mortified that she'd taken it even more easily. 

While his apology had sounded sincere, she couldn't bring herself to talk about the painful past and forgive him. Not yet. Not until she could find herself again.  

Even if logic said that she should forgive Alex now that he'd been burning with his guilt, her heart, on the other hand, had already built the walls. 

How could she look at Alex's face and not remember the worst memories of her life? It was literally impossible.

Kate sighed. And realized only then that her temples were wet with silent tears. She wiped them away, concerned that the other three in the room would see. They'd had enough of seeing her crying, and after the last fit, she didn't want them to witness more of her tears anymore. She was embarrassed they would think of her as the weakest of all weaklings, not that she'd done anything to prove otherwise.

However, when she removed her hand from her face and peeked up, she noticed Victor's keen gaze on her. He looked at her knowingly and smiled the tiniest of smiles when she bit her bottom lip, feeling timid at being caught. Thankfully, Neil and Ellie were way too engrossed in an argument that had broken out between them over the very rotten topic of proper punching techniques. While Victor was understanding, the other two Kate knew would have whacked up a storm on her already punctured skull. 

Hours later, Kate managed to convince her pledged guards to go home and get freshen up and feed themselves with some proper food. They'd agreed but had also declared firmly that at least one of them would always be there with her. For the first round, Neil had volunteered and had gotten a warning glare from Ellie before she left with Victor. 

"That woman is fucking insane," Neil commented a minute later, pressing a particular button of the bed's remote for the upper half of the bed to prop up.

Kate grunted under her breath in relief for being in a more accurate seating position. Her spine felt more bearable. "I know, but I wouldn't change it for anything. This world needs more insane people like her."

Neil didn't answer. He moved to hand her the pill the nurse had said to give her half an hour before lunch. As Kate swallowed it with the help of a sip of water, she noticed Neil shuffling on his feet. His face was a little weary. "You want to tell me something."

"No," he sighed in defeat. "Yes."

Kate tilted her head and waited. She could see it was serious whatever it was. 

"Earlier, you and Alex..." looking unimpressed, he trailed off for a second, and Kate froze. "I mean, he was saying sorry and all that. Are you going to forgive him, Kate? After all that he did?"

There was a long moment of silence before Kate spoke up.

"Tell me first, Neil, will you be able to forgive me for what I did?"

"What will I forgive you about?" Neil's forehead crinkled with a frown of utter confusion. 

"For not trusting you," she sighed softly. "You know, I went to yours that night after—" she paused for a second, not wanting to recite the dreadful event again. 

Neil nodded, his frown easing, but a shadow of sadness took its place quickly. "I know. I saw the photos."

"I heard you talk over the phone, I heard half of what you were speaking, and I believed the worst," her voice broke for a moment there. "I heard about the gift you sent—about your excitement that Alex would get jealous, and I believed that you were the culprit. I thought that it was you who stabbed me in the back. Despite our long friendship, I believed that you sent those photos. And I left! Can you forgive me for that?"

Neil sat stunned. He found his voice what seemed like hours later but was only just minutes. "It's not the same, Kate," he said in a whisper, looking down at his hands.

"Is it not?" Kate asked in a similar tone.

They both stared out the open window across the room. They stayed in silence for a very long time.

"Well, I guess I'm a hypocrite, Kate," Neil sighed in the end. He hesitated before speaking again. "I, too, am a potential fuel to that forest fire Maya created through Alex. It's a global truth how possessive and insecure behind the confident mask Alex had always been regarding you. And I'm ashamed and guilty of the fact that I used to have this sadistic pleasure in seeing him burn in jealousy whenever he saw me with you. Sometimes, it was intentional of me. I was so used to getting a good laugh while he acted all madman and whisked you away from me. It was funny until it wasn't anymore..."

Kate sat stiffly.

For so long, Neil stayed quiet after that. The silence got suffocating at one point, and he took her name wearily. "Kate..."

"We're all imperfect freaks, aren't we?" her gaze stayed firmly out the window, but her mind wandered off elsewhere.

"That we are," Neil affirmed.

"And when we break things, it can be amended but can never be the same again," Kate said with a smile, turning to look at Neil again finally.

It was one of those moments when unseen souls screamed Amen from around. 

There was a time when Neil was the one best friend Kate had. But as tragedy did a ninja strike, the friendship broke apart, and distance grew. Now, Neil had returned, and their friendship blossomed again, but the past was not erased. And Neil had to share the place only he used to claim... with Victor and Ellie. 

Her love for Alex had always been true, but so much had transpired to this day that even forgiveness would never make things the same again. 

The pace had been broken long ago.

And, it was time for the new.



~


Sorry, but they needed to face the mirror.

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-Lara.


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