THE MOST POWERFUL THING ABOUT ABEER IS THAT HE HAS THE POWER TO MAKE YOU FEEL SPECIAL, even among millions. Right now, Nazia and Abeer sit at a busy restaurant in the center of the chaos. Everyone is talking; babies are crying for help, adults are laughing and the elderly are coughing as they speak. There's so many people and kind of noises, but Abeer somehow make it all disappear with his intense gaze.

He leans in to her, his head rested on his palm as he looks at Nazia. He lazily stirs his noodles, his eyes watching Nazia as if she's something special among this chaos. "I got to hand it to you . . . I would have never picked this place," he says. A laugh closely follows and Nazia rolls her eyes.

Abeer does that thing sometimes - where he would say something that only an entitled, selfish prick would and somehow make it charming by laughing. It's strange, and Nazia shakes her head and narrows her eyes onto Abeer. She has to constantly remind herself that he's the devil, and she's here to expose him.

In the last few weeks, before the saga of Bella even occurred and when Nazia and Kabir weren't talking to each other, Abeer was there for her. In those days, Nazia started to remember all the reasons why she used to love him and all the reasons why she despises him today.

Her love is a double edged sword. All the reasons she had for loving him once have become the reasons why she despises him today. The way he watches her, all the little things he remembers about her, the way he uses his words - it's all a double edged sword. 

"Do you want to hear a confession?" asks Abeer as he clangs the fork against the bowl. Above them, the light bulb flickers on and off, deciding if to fill the room with light or to leave it dark. Nazia gestures for him to go on with a wave of her hand. "I missed you." 

Nazia laughs angelically and tucks a strand of hair behind her studded ear. "Are you sure you did?" she questions. As soon as she reminds him of her doubt, she continues to prod at her food. "This food is so disgusting. I miss my fridge."

She feels gross for talking to him, like as if she's betraying Kabir somehow. Her and Kabir have patched things up. It's not completely the same anymore, but in small moments like when Kabir wraps his arms around Nazia's waist as she's making tea, it feels as if nothing has ever changed between them. Kabir has moved back into the apartment, but he sleeps in the bedroom next door rather than Nazia's bed again.

Plus, she's not even betraying Kabir - Kabir is already aware that Nazia is here, and that Nazia is only here to understand Abeer a bit more.

"I missed you like you missed your fridge," Abeer smugly says. Nazia raises an eyebrow as she plops a fry between her lips. "You didn't realize your fridge was your best choice until you came to this restaurant."

After that statement, Nazia looks at her white plate carefully. "I have a confession too," she admits softly, feeding into what he wants to hear. "I've always wanted to hear you tell me that I was the better choice."

"Really?"

Nazia meets his gaze, and nods. There's a glean in his eyes, a smirk on his lips and soft fingers massaging his chin as he tries to figure out Nazia. There's mayhem written all over Abeer and Nazia doesn't find it intoxicating any more. Instead, she finds herself getting annoyed at all of his secrets and petty lies. "Truth be told, I wished I didn't waste time on wishing do that. Your confession doesn't give me peace."

"Really?" he asks cautiously, his eyes softening. He leans in closer to her and closes off what little space they had in the first place. His lips are dangerously close to Nazia's and for one terrible second, she wonders what it would be like to kiss them again. She shakes the thought out of her head, but when she sees his drunk eyes watching her as if she's the only thing matters, she finds herself back onto the train wreck of a thought.

Nazia unsurely nods, her hands loosely touching his cheek. Abeer's lips break into a heartwarming smile and he kisses her. At first, the kiss takes her by shock and she pushes him away. Abeer stumbles back and looks at her with shock. He brings the back of his hands to his lips to wipe away the remaining lipstick on his lips. "Don't you love me, Nazia?" he asks, his tone firm and confident. He's demanding, not asking her for the answer and in this moment, she's not completely sure what to say.

She doesn't love him. She knows that.

But the plan. She needs to convince him that she's on his team and that she's listening to him.

Instead of answering his question, Nazia shakes her head. "I need time to think," she says. She taps her foot against the floor, watching Abeer for his reaction. He has a killer pocker face - Nazia can't read it. He leans away from the table, retracting away from her like a snake slithering back into the leaves.

"Let's leave," he demands. He gets up, looking at her expectedly. He has an aura of confidence, like he dunked himself in cologne. It's strange because Nazia once used to find that confidence attractive. Now? Now, it's repulsive if anything. "I know a bar that's better than this shitty restaurant."

□

A COUPLE OF DRINKS LATER, Nazia and Abeer are laughing on a street. From the looks of it, it could be a residential area. The place is quiet, except for Abeer and Nazia's laugh that rings through the abandoned street.

"Do you remember that time when we snuck into the pool?" Abeer asks, causing Nazia to laugh again. For the last half an hour, they've been discussing their past together and laughing about how ridiculous they were as young adults. "God, you were so in love with me."

"Was I?" Nazia asks, her laughter sobering up. She stares at him, her feet still.

"Don't you love me anymore, Nazia?" Abeer asks her again. "What we had was so special."

Their bellies are still warm from the lukewarm beer they drunk. The night is still dark, and Nazia is unsure if the night will take her secrets with her. There's this sense of shame that lies at the bottom of her heart for caring so deeply about Abeer, a shame that calls her a cheater for kissing him and for caring about Abeer in the slightest.

Nazia takes another step away from him. She licks her lips and thinks of Abeer's lips were on it a few seconds ago. "I d-don't," she unsurely says, her tone shaking. Only a few months ago if he had asked that question, she would've just said no and laughed in his face. But now, she was starting to think differently. Somewhere, she had started to care for him. She wants the best for Abeer. A few months ago, she just wanted Abeer to choke on his own spit and hopefully die a painful death.

Now, she watches his puppy eyes and his desperation to be loved with pity. There's so many secrets he carries on his back. It's unfair the world has been so painful towards him, and she's starting to wish that she could help him like he did. She wishes only the best for Abeer. She wants to see him smiling without hints of darkness within his eyes. But she's not even sure if he's capable of doing that now; all she's ever seen is dark eyes and glimmers of love.

"It's either yes or no, Nazia," he says as he takes another step closer. "Did I break your heart? Am I terrible person? There's no grey areas in love."

Nazia runs a hand through her hair. The answers are so complex to her. Did he break her heart? Yes, but it doesn't matter. Her heart was already broken before he came. Abeer was just a temporary glue to her parent's deaths. After Abeer, Nazia glued her heart together without the help of anyone else. Abeer can't be a terrible person because he taught her that the only person she can truly rely on is herself. He's also taught her how to kiss properly, gave her a muse, made her laugh and taught her the basics of what she knew as love. Abeer can't be a terrible person if he was the first person she fell in love with.

Does she still love him? Does she still love all the horrid aspects of Abeer; the madness in his eyes, the drunk slurring of his words, the messy hair and glowing skin? Does she still love him when he presses all of her buttons and asks all the questions that hurt the most? Does she love him when he tells her every little thing about herself that she's forgotten at this rate? She wonders, and asks herself over and over if she does.

The truth is about love is that it never fades away. It lodges into your throat and sticks there. A quiet man does not lack the ability to speak - he simply just doesn't speak. A love that does not speak does not lack the ability to love - it simply hides away until there is time for it. The sad truth about love is that you never stop caring for them. It's as if you have to choose - do you love them or do you hate them? Either way, they lodge themselves into your heart and make a permanent residency of your heart.

Nazia looks up to the sky. Stars sparkle across the dark sky and she stares at them as a drunk marveling at the sky. "Nazia," Abeer calls out. "Let me rephrase. If given the chance, would you take me back?"

She shakes her head, tears pooling in her eyes. She wouldn't. She knows she would never tack him back, even in her drunken state. Nazia knows she cares for him - but all the times when she loved him romantically have all gone. The kiss was a proof of that - after their break up, she daydreamed about kissing his lips and having him fall back in love with him. After kissing him, all she could think about was how sticky his lips were and how much she missed Kabir. She knows for certain that she doesn't love Abeer anymore in that way, and it was a rather strange feeling. She's never been freed from the chains of love before.

"Why?"

"You used me," Nazia says, her eyes on the moon. Abeer watches her closely. "I loved you so much more than you did, and you took advantage of that. You used me."

"I love you."

"What do you know about love?"

What does he know about love? His mind flashes immediately to Sahibha, and he gulps the shards of pain down his throat. "I don't know, but I'm willing to learn."

What does he know about love? What does love mean? What does love feel like? All of these questions result in no answers from Abeer. He doesn't have a clue on how to answer them, so he asks Nazia them instead.

"What is love?"

Nazia mind immediately flashes to Kabir. She thinks of his hands, of his strong sturdy hands and his chuckle. She thought of his voice, singing as he chops vegetables and of his brown eyes crinkling as he laughs. She loves him so much, God, the thought of him sends warmth throughout her chest and sends her heart leaping for joy.

"Love is the first person you think of when you hear the word love," Nazia teaches, her words slurring against each other. She stumbles a step back and leans a palm against the streetlamp. She slides to the floor and Abeer joins her; sitting cross legged beside her like an eager student.

Abeer frowns and leans foward. He taps Nazia's chest with his forefinger and asks her; "but what does it feel like here? Does it feel warm?"

She laughs at Abeer. "Haven't you been in love before, Abeer?" she asks. "It's like familiarity. It's the warmth of familiarity that strikes the heart!"

Nazia taps her fingers against Abeer's chest. "Do you feel that?" she asks. The tapping is rhythmic against his chest, like a pacing of his heart. "This is the excitement of love. This is what it feels like when you're excited to meet the person you love."

Abeer nods, like how a child would. "Is that all?"

Nazia shakes her head. Against his chest, she expands her palm across where his heart lies. "When you meet them, your heart feels like this. There's this peace that tells you everything will be okay. Love is reassuring. It makes you feel safe, like you've finally reached home."

"Peace. Sukoon," he repeats, trying to remember the words. He holds Nazia's hand against his chest, enjoying the warmth of her hand against his chest.

He looks at Nazia, and even though the air smelt like cheap booze and they're sitting on a dirty street floor, she looks beautiful. Her hair is falling in tufts around her face, framing her smile. "Did you ever love me," he asks, his voice breathy and low. "Did I make you feel like that?"

Nazia takes her hand back into her lap, looking down onto it. She has silver rings decorating her slim fingers. "The first two steps - where love excites you and strikes you are true but your love has never reassured me, never felt like home," she says. "I think it might have been infatuation now, the older I get."

"Does Kabir give you all three steps?"

She nods, her eyes on her lap. "He feels like home."

Abeer has a surge of jealousy running through his veins. He doesn't know what he's more jealous of - Kabir for having Nazia's heart, or Nazia for having a home. He wants both, and he promises to himself with a belly filled with booze and under the glow of streetlights that he will get it all. 

He wants it all. Looking at Nazia right now, with her almond shaped eyes wide and her lips curved in a smile as she thought of that bastard Kabir, he wants to be that man. He desperately wants that peace and that love - and he'll do anything for it. 

-

how was the chapter?

you're welcome for the double update! wrote this back in october and forgot to publish until now. what was your favorite part?

vote?

- maya.