Chapter Eighteen

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Recap:

Kabir gets a text from Megha, located at a mysterious location. He decides to go, and instead comes face to face to Bella. He manages to escape by stabbing Bella with a needle that Bella intended to use on him. At his apartment, there's a vivid flashback of Bella throwing a beer bottle on Kabir's back, leading to his paper cut scars and Bella attempting to murder Kabir by cutting his throat and leaving him to bleed out. Harnaam had saved Kabir, and Kabir had never met Bella again after that.

KABIR DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE THAT NAZIA CAME IN THE ROOM, until her arms wrapped themselves around his naked shoulders in an embrace. He's huddled against the wall, his arms loosely wrapped around his knees. "Kabir, are you okay?" she asks, her hands rubbing his shoulder. It all feels so cold to her, the way her bare feet press against smooth tiles and against Kabir's freezing brown arms.

Surpirsly, Kabir wraps his arms around Nazia's as well, toning down the heartbreaking sobs that had awaken Nazia in the first place. Kabir bites his bottom lip, trying to make his cries less loud. "I'm -- I'm fine," he stumbles, leaning away from her embrace and against the wall instead. He tries to relax his knees, pushing them away from his chest so they fall flat on the floor.

It then dawns on him how naked he must seem, how Nazia can see every bruise, every scratch mark that Bella left. All Kabir wears is his boxers, and although Nazia has seen him with these black boxers on and off quite often, he feels as if the thin fabric is leaving him exposed. "Can you pass me my shirt?" he asks, his tone softening to his usual. Nazia nods, quickly standing up to grab his shirt and dropping it back into his lap.

"What happened?" Nazia quizzes, her eyes soft as she sits back besides Kabir. Kabir pulls the shirt over his head, not before Nazia catches sight of his red scratch marks on his back. "Should I get the first aid kit --"

"I'm fine," Kabir repeats, causing Nazia to sink back from the sheer bitterness of his words. She takes Kabir's cold hand, places it in her folded lap as she rubs circles into it. Kabir licks his lips, his breathes easing at the rhythm and warmth of her touch. "Trust me, I'm fine."

It sounds like he's trying to convince himself more than Nazia. "Here, let's make a deal. I'll get the first aid kit, you'll go to sleep and spill whatever happened. I promise I won't tell anyone or ask any questions unless you want me to. Just tell me what you need to," Nazia offers, causing Kabir's breath to hitch.

He thinks about it for a moment before he nods, bringing his bloody neck to sight. Eventhough he was just in the shower a few minutes ago, the blood wouldn't stop gushing. It seemed to spill everywhere and the water could never get the red off. When Nazia catches sight of it, her eyes widen and she misses a heartbeat in panick.

"I'll run and get the first aid kit now."

KABIR STOPS HER HANDS, causing Nazia to raise an eyebrow when he grabs her wrists. She just finished wrapping the bandages around his neck, and she had gotten another round of rubbing alcohol out for his back. "I think we should just leave that -- you're tired, I'm tired and it's not like I'm going to die because of some untreated scars," Kabir explains, putting the pads and bandaids back into the small box.

Nazia almosts sighs. "Kabir, you need to --"

"-- it's fine," he reassures her, dropping the box besides the bed. He opens the covers to the bed, tugging the other side open as well with a raised eyebrow. "You can join me."

With an overdue sigh, she gets off her spot and gets into the small bed. Her heart swells up with warmth seeing Kabir's smile at her. It doesn't last long as her fingers are already flying to the dark skin under his eyes, skimming them softly as she wonders how they've become ten times darker tonight. "What happened?' she mumbles, her elbow propped up on the pillow.

"I was afraid," Kabir says, his smile wiping itself off his face as his eyes glaze over. "I was just so afraid tonight. It felt worse than I ever had, it felt like it was wedged within my stomach, my dry throat and all I could do was try to avoid puking. That's all I could do as I watched her -- I'm surprised I even escaped."

A teardrop escapes from his eye, but as soon as it touches his cheek, he gives Nazia another fake smile. He shakes his head, trying to get all his depressing thoughts out of his head as he takes Nazia's hand in his. "Kabir, that's horrible," Nazia says, her mouth agape. "Are you okay?"

"I am now," he lies, "and I'll be even better as soon as we both fall asleep. It's late."

Nazia nods, her mind somewhere else where she tries to imagine Kabir helpless. Immeaditely, she shudders and slides closer to Kabir. He wraps an arm around her waist, bringing her closer and he kisses her forehead. It's a faint kiss, but enough to make Nazia's worries slip away as she falls more drowsy. Her worries about Kabir, about Sahibha and those photos -- they all slip away slowly.

She'll ask all her questions tommorow, when the ache in her back is gone and when her eyes feel rested. It's a silent promise to herself, one that will be easily broken with time. Her eyes flutter shut, and it's soon followed by shallow snores.

"I almost killed someone," Kabir mumbles, his tone soft. His eyes are on Nazia's, his eyes lingering on the way her closed eyes look like. They resemble Bella's; the peace, the softness and the whole angel like eyelashes are all there.

He almost killed someone today, and the thought burns him insides his stomach. He needed to get the words out before they burnt him alive, say it to someone even if that someone is already asleep.

Nazia doesn't awaken from her slumber and Kabir is thankful. He doesn't want her to realize how horrible Kabir actually is and how much better Abeer is.

"Bella was right. I'm a monster . . . A murderer," he mouthed, unable to say the words aloud. But he needs the words out before they rest under his eyes and haunt him. He needs to warn Nazia to stay away from him, she deserves someone better, someone who isn't so broken and such a monster.

Kabir starts to move, inching out of the bed so Nazia won't sleep with him. Perhaps the poison, the blood on his skin will inch to her and she'll realize how awful Kabir is. Staying besides poison will only poison your own skin.

His thoughts swirl around his head, throbbing and so loud that he's convinced Nazia can hear them. That she can hear the same dialogue in his head repeating over and over; I'm a monster, I almost killed someone today, my skin is dirty, my mind is ruined -

Instead of getting out of the bed, he leans on one side of the bed with his head in his hands. He doesn't keep track of time and it's not until he feels a warm hand on his back that he looks back an sees a sleepy Nazia.

"Sao joi, you need sleep," Nazia mumbles, her face smushed against Kabir's white pillow. Her fingers inch closer to Kabir until they're intertwined with Kabir's icy fingers. A faint halfhearted smile comes on Kabir's face, and he leans closer to kiss her forehead until she's smiling as well and his heart is feeling slightly more golden and warm.

He relaxes for the first time in today, huddling in the warmth of Nazia. His fingers are intertwined with hers, along with her long legs that somehow found their way around his. He can't help to smile, and to rest his head against hers.

It's only when his consciousness is slipping away into a much needed sleep that he realizes that somewhere in his journey, Nazia has become his life line once again.

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME, Kabir woke up before Nazia. She wakes up startled at the lack of him, until she sees him smoking a ciggerette on the terrace. The curtains are slightly open, letting the first rays of light peek in along with Kabir's shadow. Nazia rubs her eyes carefully, and then gets out of the bed.

"Hey," she says, yawning and strenching at the same time. Kabir turns around in utter surpirse as if he didn't notice the door slamming loudly. It's like he's lost in another world where everything is blurred and his ciggerette is the only life jacket he has to save himself.

His eyes linger at the edge if her light blue shirt where her belly button shows right before the beginning of her pants. When she places her arms down after her yawn, he shifts his eyes to make eyecontact with her rather than her stomach.

"Don't you think it's a bit too early?" Nazia asks, raising an eyebrow at the ciggerette in his hand. Startled, he looks down at it an back at Nazia.

"I - I - I just needed a breather," he says, stumbling over his words as he shakes his head to wake up himself out of it. "Sorry, I've just been out of it recently."

"Have you bothered to go to your appointments?" Nazia quizzes, referencing to his therapist although she already knew the answer. There was no way Kabir would bother to go, combined with his lack of energy and his hatred of talking about his problems.

He exhales, smoke floating above his lip as he turns away from Nazia. Her nose turns upwards at the smell but she still leans against the railings with Kabir. He shakes his head no, causing Nazia to sigh. "Kabir, what happened last night?" she quizzes, her tone soft and begging. "We just want to help you, including your therapist."

"It'll be better for me if I pretended nothing happened," he says, the morning light shinning against his black hair.

"Judging from your eyebags, it won't be -- "

"Bella tried to rape me. That's all," Kabir snaps, dropping his ciggerette as it flutters to the cars beneath them. He makes eyecontact with a shocked Nazia for a second to let her see the lack of emotions in his eyes. He shrugs, trying to take away the words he confessed but it doesn't help to erase the shock written in Nazia's agape mouth or the test that are already forming in his eyes.

"And worst of all, I tried to kill her. I'm a murderer, a monster," Kabir confesses, inhaling a deep breath to calm the tears that are already dripping from his eyes. "Go. Please. You'll just get ripped apart if you try to fix my broken pieces of who I was."

Instead of leaving, Nazia places a hand on Kabir who quickly yanks it out of her reach. Her heart feels tender as if it's only seconds away from being ripped apart. He doesn't look at her and instead watches the city as he tries to wipe away his tears. It doesn't help. All it does is lead to more tears falling.

"Just go," he pleads, with all the rawness and pain he could muster. The mere words take away so much energy from him, and more than anything, he just wants to collapse to the floor and start crying. "You deserve better. I love you too much for you to be with someone that'll only hurt you."

A monster.

He was worse than Bella -- he had almost killed her, he had held a weapon in his hands and almost hurt her over something he as sued to years ago. At least Abeer wasn't as scarred as him, at least Abeer didn't have paper cut scars from years back through a bottle from his ex or constant sadness lingering over him.

"Bella, she hurt you in more ways than once. It was self defense, and she's done worse to you," Nazia quickly speaks, her words piling against each other as she waves her hands. She's trying to avoid the words he's speaking, trying to avoid the way her heart sinks as if it's the end of hers and Kabir's relationship.

"She wasn't even conscious. I'm trembling coward when she's awake and a murderer when she's asleep --"

"-- she's still alive. You aren't a murderer."

"If she finds me again, she'll try to kill me and everything that matters," Kabir mumbles against a furious gust of wind. His words are lost and all Nazia does is stare at the edges of his lips as tears pool in her eyes. He turns away from the city and watches Nazia with sadness and longing resting in his eyes.

He wants to brush the messy strands of her hair away from her eyes, to get rid of the tears in her eyes and take her inside where it's warmer. All he wants to do is whisper in her ear that everything is okay, that tommorow he'll buy her roses when he's coming back from work and today they'll sit together in blankets and watch her favorite movies. That he was sorry for breaking off their relationship . . . but he isn't. He knows where this relationship will end of they stay together -- it'll end with Nazia's hands torn apart as she tries to restore Kabir's broken life.

He loves Nazia too much to let her waste her life longing for him, for wishing for a broken man's life to get better. A small smile tugs at his face, wondering how happy and beautiful she'll be at the opening of her art gallery away from him and his broken mess of life.

There's so many ways this tale would end, and all of them were with Nazia torn in half if she remained with Kabir. She'll be torn apart by Bella's memories, or Bella herself.

"You don't need me Nazia. Go." He runs a hand through his hair. Go before you start to hate me.

Before she realizes that Abeer is so much better and Kabir is just a burden on her hands. She needs to leave before she breaks herself for Kabir or before Kabir breaks.

"That's - that's not true," Nazia states, blinking away tears. Her heart has been ripped right out of her chest and it's taking all of her power to not start crying. Her eyes betray her and a tear falls out of her eye. "Kabir, this can't be the end -- for god's sake, I love you!"

"Even by any chance you still do, it doesn't matter. Nazia, you're my life support and I'm nothing to you. I'm barely a person without you -- I just need to fix myself before you hurt yourself trying to make me into a better person."

He gives her a lukewarm smile. "This isn't goodbye. I just need to be stronger," he promises, his words a lie to himself, taking her hand in his. It was nothing more than a flase promise, a way of consuming time until she fully leaves him.

However, Nazia's eyes frantically watch Kabir's with desperation. She's clinging to the last strands of hope, with tears blurring her vision. There's something off about his smile, something that warns her that this is their last farewell. "I want you right now, I promise I'll help you get better --"

"I don't want to be a burden on you. I don't want to weigh you down until you start hating me. I want to end this all off happily, where I love you and you love me," Kabir interrupts. With his words, her heart sinks lower and lower and she yanks her hand away from his to wipe away the tears on her face. "Please Nazia. Forget about me."

Her heart aches, and no matter how much she tries, it still asks her to tell Kabir he's wrong. That it's better for two broken pieces to be together than apart -- but her mind tells her that he's right.

"Kabir, I know myself better than you do -- you can't just push everyone you love away from you," Nazia argues, her cheeks a furious red with tears that pool down. Kabir's fingers tighten against the mental as he exhales with the crisp breeze that passes. "I can't just leave you, I can't just forget you."

"Yes, you can," Kabir says, licking his lips as a sigh escapes. "Don't make me into a mistake. I don't want to be someone you regret having in your life, like Abeer. I don't want all of your happy memories of me being replaced with who I am."

He can't let her go through what Bella did to him, and the way she cut off everyone he loved until he only had her. Bella will hurt her, and in a way, Kabir will too.

He doesn't want her to watch him wake up later and later, or watch his turn around with sleepless nights. Or the dark eyebags umder his eyes, the lack of food he eats, the way he prods at food, the way his energy is slowly disappearing until there is nothing left -- he can't let Nazia watch his life being drained away. He doesn't want the only memories she has of him being darkened into poison, into a reminder of how hard she tried to save him.

"Ka-bir," she sobs, her voice cracking in the middle of his name. She takes a step away from him, shaking her head as if she can't believe that what he's saying is true. Everything feels awfully official as if this is the last straw.

Her back hits the door, but her eyes still linger on Kabir. On the way his dark hair swirls in the air, the way his long legs seem to stretch for miles beneath him, the way his shirt that was once tight loosely grasped at his figure and easily floated with the currents of the wind. Her eyes search for the Kabir she fell in love with, but all she could see was the way the skin beneath his eyes are pitch black and the way smoke curled near his lip.

His smile, the one that could brighten her day was gone along with his jokes and replaced with a whisper of a smoke. His eyes, the ones that could shine on a dark night were all gone too with nothing but sleepless nights beneath it. Everything about Kabir seems to feel hollow, feel less real and less like him.

Nazia misses him so much, even while he's standing right here. She turns around, facing the door as she wipes a tear away.

All he does is watch her. Watch her stumble as she tries to pry the door open, the door that's left half open in her frantic movements to get away from him, watch her brush past Harnaam who holds a towel and a raised eyebrow without a farewell. His eyes watch her drop a sliver ring to the floor, the last remains of their relationship without a single protest.

Her engagement ring that she's never taken off -- well, until now.

free feel to point out any errors! i've only skimmed over the chapter like twice which is a lot less than usual. how was the chapter?

I feel like the story is getting a bit repetitive - is it?

have you guys cried in any scenes yet? Idk, I can't really imagine ppl getting emotional over this book but I would like to know if you do!

vote?

- Maya

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