23 | valentines day

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February, 2019

I felt uncomfortable.

In a total of forty-five minutes, I had lightly curled my hair, applied decently faint makeup and tore apart my closet to find something too wear. Yet, as I stood in the mirror, I couldn't help but feel like everything looked off.

I ran a finger over the silver heart-shaped hoops I had stuck in my ear and felt the urge to swap them out. The dress I was wearing was too tight for my liking, and the ruched front made me feel overdressed. It was a nice pink, that I could appreciate. The soft shade matched well with my headband, and the short, tan heels I wore.

My first instinct was to go to the party in sweatpants, but Cole warned me that I'd probably stick out more in those than I would in something like this. I stared into the mirror, though I wish I could just pry myself away and leave.

"I can't do it, I'm changing." I muttered to myself, heading towards my closet to find a suitable pair of jeans. However, before I could make any progress, I heard the doorbell ring.

Checking my phone, I saw that I already had two missed calls from Cole.

The doorbell rang again and I huffed, hesitantly grabbing my purse and walking downstairs, unable to find time to change.

Cole stood at the door, looking at his phone, my arms hang awkwardly at my side.

"Earth to Cole." I called, causing Cole to jump a little. I laughed.

He rolled his eyes. "Let's go, we're already twenty minutes late."

"I don't want to go to this." I deadpanned, as I followed sulkily behind him.

"But you're such a good friend that you're not abandoning me. Thanks Vree, you're the best!" He replied sarcastically, with a genuine smile as if he was trying not to laugh.

I tried to think of a witty reply, but it didn't come to me. I flipped him off, then hopped in the passenger seat of his car.

"I am not staying here any later than ten." I complained, buckling my seat belt.

"I know, I know! Trust me, I don't even want to go to this." Cole returned my tone.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. It's tradition for you to be there, but I am completely traditionless in this scenario."

"Maybe you'll have fun, Vree." Cole suggested, likely tired of my negative approach,

"Maybe I will." I replied, my voice entirely sarcastic.

After roughly five more minutes of harmless bickering, Cole and I arrived at Dawson's house.

Although I had only been here once before, I remembered it perfectly. The brick mansion was architecturally stunning, as were most houses in Runswick. It reminded me of Kaden's house, although the Johnson's had a better yard, and porch.

I would've liked to see it not surrounded by drunk teenagers and flashing lights, but I didn't see that happening.

"Alright, we're here." Cole spoke nonchalantly, putting his car in park.

"Fine. I'm laying down some ground rules though. If we get split up, meet at the porch in an hour. Also, I refuse to drive home." I smiled a little while I spoke, keeping my voice both lighthearted and firm.

"Okay, Mom." Cole joked, before getting out of the car. Hesitantly, I followed him through the grand doors of the Johnson household.

As I took a step inside, I immediately felt like it was Halloween once again. Streamers hung from the ceiling, and nearly everyone was wearing some sort of pink or red accessory. I thanked god that my outfit seemed to match the theme of what everyone else was wearing, I was certainly not overdressed.

Music blared, and my ears rang. "I'm gonna go get us drinks." Cole shouted.

I nodded and replied with my voice the same level. "Okay!"

Cole swerved through the crowd and eventually disappeared. I felt awkward just standing in place and ultimately decided that Cole would be able to find me if I stayed in relatively the same area.

After a few minutes of thoughtless wandering, Cole still hadn't come back. I was drawing attention I did not care for by pacing by myself, next thing I knew I was carefully sliding past people to find him.

Suddenly, I felt myself harshly shoved into someone. "I'm so sorry!" I exclaimed, my eyes widening as I quickly stood straight up.

"Don't worry about it gir—oh my god! Avery! I didn't expect to see you here, you look amazing!" I immediately recognized Laura as we made eye contact. She was dressed in a pink satin swoop neck dress, which fit her like a glove. She had a heart painted on her cheek, and some glitter on her which I assume she didn't arrive with.

"I didn't think I was gonna come, but my friend pushed me too last minute." I smiled before continuing. "And thank you! I absolutely love your dress."

"Thanks! I got it on sale at Nordstroms. Who did you come with?"

"Cole Jennings, but I think we got split up. He left to get drinks like ten minutes ago." I laughed. She smiled brightly.

"You should hang out with us! We never talk out of school." She suggested immediately.

I didn't reply for a moment and did one last quick scan for Cole. I didn't see him. "Sure, I'd love too!" I returned her bright expression.

"Yes! Come on, I'll introduce you to everyone." She motioned for me to follow her.

We approached a group of four people, three guys and one girl. Two of the guys looked familiar, but the others I couldn't place.

"Hey everyone, this is Avery."

The four introduced themselves and it didn't take long for me to get used to talking with them.

"Oh! Let's do jello shots!" Lindsay, the girl suggested to the five of us. While I've had a drink or two here and there, I haven't actually gotten drunk since I lived in San Francisco. Typically, a few hours of fun wasn't worth the raging headache in the morning to me.

However, I ultimately decided to let go for one night.






❦ psychotic ❦






I was overwhelmed, not by the loud music and flashing lights, but by all the people who for some reason, wanted to talk to me.

Hanging out with Laura and her friends was actually fun. I got along well with all five of them, and had no problem engaging in conversation.

I didn't think anything could make me lose track of time. In fact, I planned on dragging Cole out the door at 10:00PM sharp.

However, as I lost track of the drinks I had downed, and laughed with people I barely knew, I paid no mind to the clock. At some point, Laura and I split from the group and she dragged me onto the dance floor. We bumped into two guys from Calculus. Laura seemed to know the two well, and the alcohol streaming through my system made my nerves disappear while talking to them. The four of us did more shots.

Not my best decision.

After four cups of warm beer and three shots of cheap tequila, I was officially drunk. I knew I'd be angry with myself in the morning. Drowning my worries has always been something I did everything in my power to avoid. It's not a habit of mine and won't become one today.

I just wanted to forget the events of the last few weeks and have fun. Just for a moment.

Right now, I couldn't be burdened with heavy thoughts, only the fact that I wasn't so bothered by the flashing lights anymore.

My head felt fuzzy, it was easier to laugh, I realize. Glitter was poured onto Laura and I earlier, and I felt it on my skin more than ever.

Unfortunately, as abruptly as it hit, the affects of the alcohol subsided into slight double vision and a headache.

I hadn't heard from Cole all night, I couldn't imagine that it was any later than eleven. I pulled out my phone, and although the numbers were blurry I could read 12:13am crystal clear.

"Shit." I muttered to myself.

Turning to Laura, I called out, "hey, I'm gonna look for Cole."

She gave me a reassuring nod and kind smile before continuing with her night.

After ten minutes of pacing, I came to the conclusion that Cole didn't seem to be on the main floor, and now I was dragging myself up one of the many large staircases in Dawson's house.

There, now we're up to date.

I opened many bedroom doors, hesitantly looking inside not wanting to potentially interrupt something. Much to my surprise, I only walked in on one make out session. That, and four other rooms with passed out teenagers.

I pushed open another large wooden door, calling out for Cole for the millionth time. "Cole?"

When I got no response, I took a step into the room. The first thing that caught my eye was a large wooden bookcase and several vintage posters covering the walls. In the corner, sat a desk with loads of papers on it and next to it was a messy, wood bed with flannel sheets. It didn't take a rocket science to figure out whos room I was in.

"Avery?" I heard Dawson question, more to himself than to me. He sat against the wall next to what I assumed was an ensuite. His eyes were squinted, and with a single glance I could see that he was wasted.

"Fuck, I thought I locked the door." He spoke again, throwing his head back in annoyance.

"You didn't. Sorry, I didn't mean to barge in. I'm looking for Cole." Though my head was still pounding, I approached the brunette.

He laughed lightly, drunkenly. "Isn't this is a turn of events? I never thought I'd see you at one of my parties again, not after you basically ran out screaming on Halloween."

Narrowing my eyes, I scoffed. "Okay, asshole. Sorry I'm not interested in getting high with you and your douchey friends."

Dawson rolled his eyes, lifting a red solo cup to his lips and downing its contents. "I wasn't high, pretty much everyone else there was, but not me. My parents might actually kill me if they found out I did shit like that."

I shot Dawson a glare on instinct, my current state seemed to heighten my distaste for him. "Mhm yeah, and I'm sure they'd be happy to find out you're hammered at a party you're throwing in their house."

My attitude must have caught him by surprise, since for a second, I swear his eyes widened. Inevitably, Dawson rolled his eyes.

"You bet." He remarked sarcastically, raising his glass in the air and taking another swig. Against my better judgment, I ripped the plastic out of his hands.

"I think you've had enough." Without hearing Dawson's response, I opened the door to his bathroom and immediately turn on the sink. Once the water was cold enough, I rinsed the cup out multiple times and filled it.

Immediately after, I slid onto the wall next to Dawson. We sat a solid three feet apart. "Drink this." I spoke forcefully, holding the cup towards him.

Now he was the one who narrowed his eyes. "Don't baby me Avery, you're drunk too."

"Not as drunk as you. Stop being stubborn and take the stupid cup." I snapped, which seemed to finally get Dawson to cave.

I leaned my head back onto the wall while Dawson drank the water. My eyelids felt heavy and my headache hadn't lessened. We went silent, however leaving the room didn't feel like an option. "Care to explain why you're hanging out in here alone, blasted, at your own party?"

Dawson stiffened, but let out a huff. He set the red cup next to him and looked in my direction. "Not particularly, no."

His vague reply annoyed me more than it should've. "You are so fucking difficult."

He laughed, and I shot him another glare. "I'm so glad I amuse you, Johnson."

Dawson finished laughing, but wore a now, dare to say, sad smile. "Kate broke up with me." He spoke abruptly.

"But you look actually... upset?" I replied thoughtlessly, inwardly scolding myself for my insensitivity.

"Wait—sorry. I didn't mea-"

"Yeah you did. It's okay. I'm not even upset with Kate. We were using each other, both of us knew that from the start." Dawson interrupted, his voice slurred and sounding defeated.

His honesty took me by surprise, though I knew for certain he wouldn't tell me any of this if he was sober. "Then why are you upset?" I found myself asking.

Dawson raised an eyebrow, and his clear blue eyes holding amusement as they stared into mine. "I'm gonna regret telling you this in the morning."

"And I'll regret asking. We're even." I replied, my voice barely over a whisper. Dawson took a moment, than slowly nodded.

"Because thats how it always is, with everyone really. I was okay with it for so long. But now... I think I'm tired of being disposable." His answer was vague and jumbled. However, in my drunken state, I seemed to understand perfectly.

"I get it, I think." I reply, not breaking eye contact.

Dawson bit the side of inside of his lip, his eyes held slight panic, then he turned away from me. I opened my mouth to say something, but the words died in my throat.

Come on, say anything!

"Please don't tell anyone about this." Dawson spoke, his voice quiet, but not quite a whisper.

I turned to him but he didn't meet my gaze. For the first time, I looked at Dawson without his façade so tightly in place.

It was unsettling.

"I wouldn't do that." I finally spoke, looking away. "You have my word."

Dawson gave a small, appropriative smile but still didn't look in my direction.

I took a deep breath in, knowing that what I was about to say would never even approach my lips if I was sober.

"You're not disposable, Dawson." I spoke honestly, my words surprisingly clear.

Finally, he met my eyes again. He laughed a little, humorlessly. "Thanks, Avery."

"I mean it. You're not. Nobody is." I insisted.

Dawson took a swig of his water. "Enough talking about me, it's your turn to spill. What happened to you?"

I furrowed my eyebrows. "What do you mean? Nothing happened."

"I don't believe you." He spoke without hesitation.

"It's not up for debate, it's true." I bit back. My mind was fuzzy, entering the household I hadn't thought that I was upset, not even when I had my first drink.

However, now I felt that maybe I was.

As I sat against the wall, only a few feet away from Dawson Johnson with my sight blurred and my makeup surely smudged, I began to feel increasingly burdened. Suddenly, I felt the urge to cry.

Dawson spoke up. "I'm here to listen, no judgement. An eye for an eye."

I turned to him, trying my best to read him in this state. I didn't know what to say, or what not to say. I didn't care for Dawson, not in the slightest. His ego was incredibly large and his arrogance seeped through in every conversation. He had taunted me since the moment we met, without clear reason. He made Kaden a social outcast, or so I used to believe.

As I looked at him now, all of that seemed to be clouded.

"I don't trust him." I finally said quietly, with my eyes glued to my lap. "He had the opportunity to tell me everything, but he didn't. He lied. Now all I can think about whenever we're together is what else he had lied to me about. He spoke without hesitation, not a single thing changed in his expression or his voice, Dawson."

I took my eyes out of my lap and looked in Dawsons direction. "Either you're lying, or..." I bit the side of my lip. "Or Kaden's truth is unreliable. He has the ability to be flawlessly deceptive and I'll never know when he'll use it."

The room went still. Dawson finished his water, and I listened to the faint sound of the party which was still ongoing.

"I know." He finally announced.

I furrowed my eyebrows, not knowing what part of my statement he was referring too. "What?"

"Kaden is outstandingly deceptive and a good ass liar." Dawson shrugged.

I rolled my eyes. "Thanks for the insight."

He returned the gesture and let out an exasperated sigh. "Do you remember when you asked for my help, regarding Kaden?"

"Nope, sorry. I don't recall." I mocked.

Dawson ignored my attitude. "I'll help, if you want. Kaden and I were friends for a while, so I can try to remember what I figured out in that time period. But I know nothing about him now, so I can't help you with that."

My eyes widened. "I thought you didn't want anything to do with this?"

"I don't." He said matter of factly.

In his next sentence, his drunkenness was clear. "But you don't deserve to deal with his bullshit."

The words which came from Dawson's mouth were almost laughable because they were so out of character. I could tell it was the alcohol talking, but I didn't care. If I could only get closer to the truth with the help of Dawson Johnson, I'd have to learn to tolerate him.

"Yes." Was all I said. He tilted his head slightly.

I groaned. "Yes, I'll take you up on that offer."Dawson nodded sharply.

"Come on. I'm tired of this pity party and I like this song." Dawson pushed himself off the wall and offered me his hand.

I raised my eyebrows. "I'm not drunk enough to dance with you."

Dawson's hand didn't move.

I looked up at him, rolling my eyes. After a few seconds, I sighed. "Fine."

Then before I knew it, Dawson was dragging me down the hallway by my hand. "We gotta hurry, the song is almost over!" He exclaimed sarcastically.

An overplayed pop song from 2015 blared, and I could tell that Dawson was clearly joking.

"This is a terrible song!" I returned as I ran to catch up with him, my hand still in Dawson's grasp. I laughed as we rushed down the staircase and through crowds of people who didn't seem to notice us.

We stumbled three times getting down the stairs, however right at the last chorus, we made to to the packed dance floor. The two of us muttered a series of excuse me's as we slid through the mounds of people. Finally, when there was enough room, Dawson spun me.

And right after, we both plunged to the ground.

I had to cover my mouth to suppress the loud laughter which escaped my lips, but Dawson let it flow freely. The two of us were getting lightly shoved by those around us, however we still sat on the ground laughing.

Dawson finally stood up, the lights blaring. "You're a terrible dancer!" He shouted over the music, helping me up.

I scoffed. "I am not! You just have terrible balance." The scene really wasn't that amusing, but for some reason we continued to laugh like it was the funniest thing in the world.

Definitely the tequila.

The song ended and I brushed the sparkles from the ground off of me. I looked at Dawson and opened my mouth to say something, however a loud shout from the crowd grasped my attention.

"Vree!"

Cole.

Before I could shout back, Cole appeared in front of us. With his eyebrows furrowed, he looked cautiously between Dawson and I, his expression screamed confusion.

"Yeah... I'm gonna go get another drink." Dawson spoke before Cole and I could. As he walked away, he offered me a mocking two-finger salute. I rolled my eyes back at him.

"What the hell?" Cole questioned with his eyes wide.

Within a matter of seconds, I made the decision to keep Cole in the dark.

Quickly, I diverted the subject. "Don't 'what the hell' me. You dragged me here so you wouldn't be alone, then you ditch me. What happened to leaving at ten? It's 1:00am Cole." I questioned angrily, although I wasn't actually that upset about it.

Cole took the bait.

"I know, I know. I'm so sorry. I just saw some old friends and got distracted." He hiccuped, and my eyebrows shot up.

Without hesitation, I took a step closer to Cole.

He smelt like

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