Chapter 24

The moon shone bright and high, obscured only slightly behind a faint cloud in the sky.  Hannah stood in her dark bedroom, looking through the crack in the curtains at the man braced over the top of his car.  

Oh, Justin...

He looked so dejected and lost down there, the slump of his shoulders telling her more than the glimpse of turbulence in his eyes as when he gazed at her moments earlier in this very room.  He was scared, so very scared.  “I could make you so happy,” she whispered softly.  “If you’d only give me a chance.”

But what he must think of her?  To make such a sordid offer as to share her bed with him without any emotions involved.  Hannah had been terrified herself when she spoke those words, but she meant every syllable that came out of her mouth.  She knew that if he opened himself even a tiny bit, he’d find that she could make him very happy indeed.

Because she was in love with him.  Though she lied to him...saying she wouldn’t declare any love for him, but she knew that might escape her lips at the pivotal moment in their lovemaking, so she was glad he declined her offer.  She wasn’t ready to tell him how she truly felt, and he wasn’t ready to hear it.

Despite the fact that up until their little scene in her bedroom, he’d been cold and angry toward her, him walking away only heightened her awareness to the pain inside him.  He wasn’t the jackass she once called him.  He cared, too.  He cared for her, and that made him turn her down.  She was sure of it.

So, why isn’t he leaving?

Even as she wondered that, his head rose from his hands and he looked up at her window.  Hannah stepped further back into the shadows, though she figured he couldn’t really see her.  Hope flickered to life as she watched him push away from the vehicle and move slowly toward her porch.

He was coming back?

Hannah’s hand fluttered to the neckline of her robe as she waited for the doorbell or the sound of a knock.  She tiptoed to the edge of the stairs, peering down the darkened hallway to the front door.  And she waited...and waited.  His silhouette was barely visible through the glass in the door, the moonlight making the outside brighter than the inside of her house.  But he only stood there.  And Hannah stood where she was, gripping the banister for support.  Would he go through with it?  Would he take a chance on her?  Even the callous one she proposed?

“Come on,” she whispered, “knock already!”

Her bare feet stepped down one tread, and then another, and another, until she was halfway between floors, silently urging him to do something!  But only the quiet night answered her, and she sighed, glancing away from his figure on her porch.  

That’s when she saw it.  A key ring…a fob, two keys, and a tag from the rental car place.

He’d forgotten his keys.  That was why he came back.  Not for her.  But he deliberated on her front porch, probably because he guessed she’d think he came back for her.  A disappointed sob choked her throat.

Well, she’d just have to save him the embarrassment of an explanation.

Hannah trotted down the remaining stairs, not bothering to be quiet about it, snatched his keys from the table and marched over to the door.  She saw him rear back as she turned the lock and swung the door open.

“I forgot my--”

“Keys?”  She jingled them in front of his face.  He stared at them, then he gazed at her, but he didn’t take them from her fingers.

“Yeah, thanks,” he said wearily, but he still didn’t take them.  She refused to let him see how daunted and humiliated she felt.  So, she smiled, and put a lot of effort into it.

“Well?  Here.”

His shadowed gaze delved into her, seeing more than she wanted him to see.  His arm came up, his fingers curled around the keys, but instead of taking them from her, his hand embraced hers securely and pulled it to his chest.  “You’re mad,” he stated.

“No, of course, I’m not,” she protested, deceptively heartfelt, trying to tug out of his grasp, but he wouldn’t let her go.  “My proposition was made in earnest.  I want nothing more from you than to explore more than we already have.”

“And we couldn’t do that in a more conventional way...say, on a date?”

Hannah tilted her head to the side.  “I don’t believe that’s what you really want, Justin,” she said.  “A date would suggest that you want a relationship with me, and I know that’s not true.  I was hoping we could skip all the b.s. that comes with dating and try something a little more...”

“X-rated?” he offered when she couldn’t find the right word.  Hannah laughed.

“You have a magnificent way with words,” she said, grinning at him though her heart had yet to stop pounding against her ribcage.  “But I don’t want to pressure you into anything, so there’s your keys, and I will need my hand back, and we can say good-night here.”

“How carefully did you think this out?” he asked, ignoring her attempt to salvage what was left of her integrity.

“Honestly?  Not very thoroughly,” she said.  “I knew you wouldn’t go for it, and I’ll admit that my offer was ruled by the fact that no other man has made me feel the way you do, but I see what you don’t want people to see.”

“Which is?”

She hitched a shoulder, pulling on her hand again, but his tightened and the keys dug into her palm.  “That underneath your hard exterior is a big softie,” she laughed.  “You’re afraid of becoming vulnerable again, and I respect that.  So, I repeat, you know where to find me if you change your mind, but I still have my dignity, and I won’t speak of it again.  Now, can I have my hand back?”

Again, he ignored her attempt to separate from him.  “If I do change my mind, then you understand that I also can’t make you any empty promises,” he pointed out softly, moving closer to her, so close she had to crane her neck to see into his eyes.  “There’s the chance -- a very reasonable chance -- that I won’t put a ring on your finger or ask you to marry me...that I won’t love you...that when it’s all over, it’s over, and I won’t tolerate tears of regret or pleas to stay with you...and most likely neither of us will respect the other when we end it.”

Hannah’s lips parted.  Wow...that’s...cold.  The brutal truth.  It seemed he thought more about it in the small span of time since she made the offer than she did.

“And if we agree to that,” he went on, putting his free arm around her waist and gently urging her against chest, his tender embrace a total contrast to the casual tone of his words, “then we also have to agree on a few other terms.”

Her heart dropped to her ankles.  What had she gotten herself into?  This was sounding more and more like a business contract.  “I’m listening,” she said stiffly.

“No one is to know,” he commanded.  “Not my parents, not your friends, not my friends, not co-workers, and especially not Josie.  We do this here, behind locked doors, and if we come out into public together, we don’t discuss it at all.  There will be no kisses when backs are turned, no holding hands, no secret smiles or looks or touches.  To everyone else, we are barely acquainted.”

“I see,” she said.  He really had thought more about this.  “And when we are behind those locked doors?”

A slight smile curved the corners of his lips as his head closed the gap between their mouths.  “Then we are free to say and do and be anything we choose, without guilt...without repercussions or abuse or judgement.”

“Even if things are said that one of us might not want to hear?”

“I can agree to not hold them against you, if you can do the same, Hannah,” he murmured, his lips a hair’s breath from hers.  “You always keep your promises, right?”

But before Hannah promised anything in that respect, she had one more question, “So, it’s like, what happens at Hannah’s, stays at Hannah’s?”

“Exactly,” he said, breathing warmly against her mouth.  “But we have to be in total agreement...I do not wish to take advantage of you, nor do I wish the same for myself.  I will not say I’m completely happy with this, but I do want you, so we have to understand each other perfectly.  And if the time comes when I can no longer accept this arrangement, then I am free to end it.”

Sparks of indignation ignited in her nerves.  She wasn’t so sure about this any more.  But like he said, she wanted him, too.  It was that basic, primal need which settled her answer.  “And I can end it whenever I choose, as well, without excuses or apology,” she stipulated firmly.  Her heart would suffer, she was certain of it, yet, her body was already melting into him, her lips were straining for him to kiss her, her mind was screaming, Go for it, girl!, and whatever fluttering creatures inside her belly, making her quiver with need, had started waltzing violently until she could stand the wait no longer.  

“I would expect nothing less,” Justin whispered, responding to her last statement, but Hannah had moved beyond all that.  Even if morning came and he decided this was the worst mistake of his life, she would have tonight with him.  She couldn’t close her eyes and pretend that he loved her, but she could have the rest of him...for a few hours, creating one memory that she would cherish forever.  It was a stupid risk, but she was no stranger to stupid risks.  She survived her jaunt to California in hopes of becoming a star and all the rejections that came back with her, and she would survive this one.  Her past experiences made her a stronger person, open-minded and fully capable of bouncing back from almost anything.  Hannah only prayed that she would come out victorious in this one...that one day Justin would love her, too.

“Kiss me, Justin,” she whispered.  

“Do you agree?”

“I agree.”

“To all of it?”

“Yes,” she sighed, licking her lips in anticipation.

“Then promise me,” he muttered.

Hannah growled at him, “I promise!  Now, please!  Kiss me!”

He did.  He gathered her tighter, sealed their mouths in a savage assault of lips and tongues and biting teeth, and he ushered her backward, kicked the door closed, and released his hold on her long enough to lock it.

*****

As though the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders, Justin fell into that kiss.  This was a shameless, wanton adventure they agreed on, but with Hannah...Oh, yeah, with Hannah, it didn’t seem so vile of a practice.  Secret lovers...describing it that way, he didn’t feel quite so bad about it.  But this was plain old casual sex, nothing more, and with anyone else, he would have never have considered it.  Because with Hannah, he knew he didn’t have to worry about her reading more into it than there was.  She promised.  And Justin trusted her more than any other woman -- which, honestly, wasn’t a whole hell of a lot, but he would gamble his sanity on her vow of indifference as far as integrating unwanted emotions into their time together.

However, Justin had one moment of doubt, when a flare of purpose entered her eyes right before she agreed.  Hannah intended to make him fall in love with her, but she wouldn’t test him during their lovemaking session, he was sure of it.  And he smiled against her mouth, almost looking forward to her plans.  He had no concerns that she would break her promise, and if she thought him capable of falling in love with her, then it would be a trial worth exploring.

As long as she stuck with the agreement.

He didn’t want Josie to know him and Hannah were...well, to term it in the least offensive way for both of them – that they were screwing each other.  It was a callous description of this arrangement between them, but it was the most straightforward.

And, damn, he wanted her!  So bad he was weakened with the desire.  She still wore that pink robe, and he could feel every juicy curve of her body through it, a body writhing with hunger for him, against him, encouraging him.  All he had to do was drop his pants, lift her legs around him, bypass the lace scrap obscuring his target, and pound into her, right up against the wall, just like he described earlier.

A jingle of his keys hitting the floor alerted him to her hands going around his neck, her fingers curling into his hair, leaving herself open to his explorations and her robe belt exposed to one tiny tug on the tail.  And that was all it took.  One tiny tug, then her nearly naked flesh manifested itself to him.  

Justin broke the kiss to gaze down at her.  The darkened hallway hid her in shadows, but his eyes adjusted enough for him to distinguish a smooth, flat stomach...long, shapely legs...a gently flaring hip...and rounded, full breasts.  His lungs stalled their breathing as he drank in the sight of her.  The gap in the robe stopped at her nipples, the perky little pebbles clinging reluctantly to the material, begging him to release them into the open.

“Justin?” Hannah moaned, blinking and blushing, “Don’t stop...”

“Shh,” he whispered, feathering his fingertips up the edge of the silken robe.  She sucked in a breath when his touch reached the contours of her breasts, slowly pushing the interfering garment off her shoulders.  It pooled at her feet, emitting a soft whispering sound, and his eyes indulged him for a few seconds longer.

He always wondered what color those tiny beauties would be...rosy pink?  Dusky brown?  A delicious peach?

No...none of the above.  Tipping her flawless breasts were two lovely gems, tinted the same hue of red as her hair.   He'd never be able to look at her in the light of day, see the sunlight glinting off her silken, soft waves, and not think about her standing in her darkened hallway, only a sliver of moonlight falling through the living room windows and casting a luminous glow on her naked breasts.  So, how was he to keep that part of the bargain, to not respond to her in while in public?  In hindsight, he realized that some of the things he insisted on weren't entirely doable...or reasonable.

But he'd wade through that creek when he got to it.   Now that they settled and agreed to the terms of this nutcase adventure, he actually felt slightly positive about it.  It won't end positively, but Justin figured that if Hannah could look at him without disgust when morning came, he should be able to tolerate his reflection as well.  Right now, the only thing filling up his sight was the blushing, very captivating siren standing in front of him.  His thumbs flicked the stimulated tips of her breasts, and they hardened and budded further.  Hannah shivered and let out a trembling whoosh of air.  His eyes strayed all over her, from the top of her messy knot of hair slipping free of its elastic band, to the dainty pearl nail polish on her adorable toes.

“So...beautiful,” he murmured, amazed that this woman wanted him...him!  Jackass Justin Kirkland, divorcee, father, bastard, co-conspirator in this improper, wicked bargain.

The urgency of that initial kiss faded into a dim throb between his temples.  Now, he only desired to savor the sight of her for these next few moments before he lost his senses again.

This is crazy...

The whole night stretched before him -- probably the only free night he'd have anytime soon, because Josie was at the church's lock-in until morning came, and the only people he'd have to evade were his mom and dad, when he doesn't return to the farm tonight.  They'll know.  They won't ask questions, Justin knew they wouldn't, but they'd know where he was, who he was with, and what he was doing...and that was part of the craziness.  The only full, free night he'd get with Hannah, and he knew he'd have to look his parents in their knowing eyes tomorrow.

But  that wasn't stopping him, and his brain only had the distant, stray thought that if his parents suspected who he was staying with tonight, that meant Hannah would become susceptible to their observant smiles.  Basically, he didn't really care what they thought of him with Hannah, but he did care what they thought of Hannah.  

But again, that was only a fleeting thought, and another section of water to cross at a later date.

And as Justin lost his mind in her glory and splendor, and swatting away fleeting worries, Hannah had started working on the buttons of his shirt, prying them open one at a time until she could smooth her palms up his chest with a moan.  She bent her head, touching her tongue to his bare skin, pushing the shirt off his shoulders and down his arms to mingle with her robe on the floor.  

Then her crafty hands quickly loosened his belt, freed the button on his pants, along with the zipper, and allowed that article of clothing to fall without grace to his knees.  Justin buried his nose in her neck, nibbling and sucking vigorously as he kicked off his shoes and stepped on pants legs and the toes of socks until he stood there in only his knit boxers, as Hannah clung to him in her black lacy panties.  His palms polished the globes of her plump bottom, reveling in the scratch of the lace that remained as her only barrier against him now.

However, now that he had her, only moments and breaths away from claiming her completely, his brain locked onto one, teeny-tiny, itty-bitty dilemma.  Actually, it was a very big, humongous problem, more so than any concerns he considered to this point.  And it was enough to make him press his forehead to hers, squeeze his eyes shut tightly and groan with raging annoyance.  

“What is it?” she asked softly, worriedly.

His lifted his head and gazed seriously into her eyes.  “There is one thing we didn’t discuss.”

She searched his expression carefully.  “What?”

“Condoms,” he answered gruffly.  “I don’t have any on me.”

Hannah blinked once, then closed her eyes and smiled, clearly relieved.  “It’s okay...for tonight.”

“How is it okay?” he asked, a little perturbed at her lack of concern on the subject.  Or maybe she meant she had some...?

Hannah continued to smile as she looked at him and laced her fingers behind his back.  “I would prefer that we use condoms, but I don’t have any either--”

“Then how is it okay?” he demanded again, more than just a little perturbed.

“Justin,” she said calmly, “I do use birth control, you know, because it’s good for more than unprotected sex.  It also regulates my periods, and if it eases your mind, I can show you the pill box.  Tonight, we are okay.”

But he still hesitated.  He didn’t like even the remote possibility that he could get her pregnant.  He knew firsthand how that would work out -- he’d been there.  Beth had said almost the same thing, “I’m on birth control,” but that had not been enough.  They still made Josie in their reckless behavior and he ended up marrying the conniving bitch.  He refused to go through that again.  Ever since that night almost fourteen years ago, he’d been the sole person responsible for his own sexual liabilities.  He used a condom every time after that.  Even when he discovered that Beth tied her tubes behind his back, he still didn’t trust her.  Yes, he once thought about having more children, but not with Beth.  Not after the things she put him through.  Not after he saw the way she treated her only child.  Now, looking back, sometimes he couldn’t believe that he actually tried to make that marriage work.

It was not something he desired to go through again.  Justin Kirkland was not getting another woman pregnant.  And if that meant breaking off this agreement with Hannah because they didn’t have one