Chapter 22

Justin was here to watch his daughter sing, not gawk at the woman sitting beside him, so that’s what he did.  Though it was damn difficult.

Crap...sorry, God, he apologized silently, truly not meaning to curse right now, even in his thoughts.

But Hannah was making it damn difficult.  He’d only gotten a glimpse at her while the lights were dimmed, and...Heaven help me...she looked beautiful.  She was beautiful.  More so now than he’d ever seen her.  More than seeing her in TerrorTown, in that skimpy bikini.  More than when he listened to her singing on the videos with Josie.  More than when he gazed down at her face while she battled back from one of his kisses.  More so than when she welled with love and affection for his daughter.

And it wasn’t the dress, or the hair, or the perfectly applied make-up.  It was her.  Her hazel eyes widened when he sat down next to her.  Her glossy lips had parted.  Her cheeks were rosy and glowing.  Her perfume drifted in delicate wisps, tangling him in another one of her spells.  The warmth of her body next to his held him in his seat just as effectively as his daughter up there on the stage singing songs of praise and worship.

His two weeks away from her had only fully kindled his desire.  He thought he’d be able to handle seeing her tonight.  He thought he could harden himself to her charms and her beauty and her bewildering sweetness, and be able to talk to her indifferently about what had happened between them and that it won’t ever happen again.  But he’d been wrong to ever assume any man could withstand Hannah Baker.

She was an enchantress when she smiled.  She was a siren when she sang and spoke.  She was a thief who had stolen his very defenses, and she was an angel sent to save him.

And he was the idiot who seriously considered letting her.

But none of that took away from another angel up there on stage, singing aloud and smiling happily at him.  He’d only been mesmerized by a song once before, the first time he heard Hannah sing back at her high school graduation.  And now Josie’s voice compelled him.  She truly had a gift.  That was his daughter up there.  His!  He’d never experienced such bubbles of pride inside him as he did then.  Even when she’d been born and he held her for the first time.  That day, over thirteen years ago, had been the standard for so long.  Now, she’d surpassed that sense of joy and honor.  She’d become a glory, a brilliance beyond all that he’d known and thought possible.  That little girl up there -- that beautiful young lady had discovered her own happiness in this world, in spite of a mother who didn’t love her, in spite of a family that had split apart, in spite of his anger and bitterness at his ex-wife and divorce...in spite of all the pain and heartache and her own suffering...Josie was happy.

And he was proud to be her father.

As the choir finished the fifth song, a sweet, stirring rendition of “Holy, Holy”, he heard sniffing from his left.  Hannah wiped at her eyes and dug through her purse for a tissue.  Justin never hesitated to pluck the handkerchief from his breast pocket and hand it to her.  He saw his dad do the same for his mother.  Hannah murmured, “Thank you,” and their fingers grazed.  Her breath caught in her throat, but she tugged the scrap of linen out of his fingers.

“She’s wonderful, isn’t she?” he asked bending down low to whisper in her ear.

“Yes, she is,” Hannah whispered back, her voice throaty and husky.  “Her solo is coming next.”  And then she dipped her head to further put some distances between their faces.  Justin frowned at that.  

She’s mad at me.

Who can blame her?  a second voice said in his mind.  The last time you talked to her, she told you she wanted to be loved…and what did you do?  Nothing.

What woman wouldn’t be upset?  He’d avoided her like the plague after that, effectively and clearing announcing that she wasn’t worthy of receiving any kind of attention from a man.  He’d acted like the jackass she accused him of being once upon a time.  Or twice, or...hell, he couldn’t recount all the times she’d called him that.  And now, he knew it to be true.  He’d been a bitter, angry jackass.

Again, he prayed to God to forgive his cursing thoughts, and prayed that Hannah might one day forgive him.  She was worthy of love…Justin was the one who wasn’t.    No woman would ever love him.  Not with the emotional problems he had.

He turned to face the front of the sanctuary, focusing on Josie.  When she stepped forward to light a single candle and sing her solo of “This Little Light of Mine”, her heart and soul poured forth, basking the audience in her sweet, tender voice, and Justin thought his own eyes might tear up.  By the end of the song, Hannah and his mother were practically bawling into their borrowed handkerchiefs.  He clapped along with the rest of the assembly in the sanctuary, but his applause was louder than the rest.  His heart was thumping as he watched his precious daughter grin and stepped back in line with her group.

Surely, that was the end.  Nothing could possibly follow Josie’s song, but he was wrong.  The choir’s director, introduced as Brother Joe, faced the crowd of people and waited until everyone quietened.

“That was Josie Kirkland, ladies and gentleman...a lovely young lady gifted by God, don’t you think?”

More applause sounded.  Brother Joe waited again, smiling at his choir.  “We have one last song for you tonight...our traditional round of ‘Amazing Grace’.”  He smiled again and scanned the crowd for a second.  “Tonight marks our twentieth anniversary for the Youth Acapella Choir, and I’ve asked that any past members to come forward and sing with us one last time, here on stage with our beautiful children.”  He beckoned with his hands, and Justin turned to see several people rise to their feet.

And then he saw Hannah take a deep breath and slowly pull herself out of her seat.

Justin stared at her as she excused herself and brushed past his knees to reach the aisle.  She was going to sing?  He didn’t know she’d been part of the Choir.  But she didn’t join the thirty-odd ladies and gentlemen mixing in with the youngsters.  Hannah squared her shoulders and approached Josie, who embraced her with joy.  They whispered for a moment together, and Hannah kissed his daughter on the forehead.

Justin couldn’t breathe.  It was the videos all over again, only now in real life, and he was witnessing their adoration for each other.  Hannah clasped Josie’s hand tightly and they waited for Brother Joe to begin the song.  Then he was stupefied again as both that red-headed beauty and his little girl stepped forward.

“For those of you who remember back when,” Brother Joe began, smiling encouragement at Hannah, “Hannah Baker had been another extraordinary voice in the Choir’s history.  I’ve asked her to lead our final song tonight.  Josie will follow on the second, and the remaining choir and guests will pick up the third.”  He turned back to the group on stage.  “I’m assuming we all remember how it’s done?”

There was a soft pattering of laughter as the older members nodded and smiled.  Brother Joe stepped aside and waved at Hannah to begin when she was ready.  She sucked in a steady breath and opened her mouth.  At first, her words were wobbly -- nervous -- but by the time Josie began, Hannah’s voice had strengthened and she sang her heart out.

The melody wove through the air between him and stage.  His gaze was transfixed on that woman up there, with her eyes looking heavenward and her hands holding onto Josie for dear life.  

Josie loved her.  His mother loved her.  Hell, his dad loved her.  So what was wrong with him?  Why did he still look at Hannah and see the potential of his remaining soul snapping in two if she ever thought to use him or Josie in those petty, narcissistic ways of a female?  Why couldn’t he ever bring himself to trust her wholly the way his family did?  He wasn’t a fool.  He knew he still clutched the hateful betrayal of Beth and the thoughts that Hannah might continue to hold some kind of candle for Luke.  Those were the two things left in his arsenal of defenses.  Hannah had managed to erase the rest of his arguments.  He was scared, plain and simple.  Scared of Hannah, and what she might do to him if he allowed her inside his heart.

Justin rose with the masses of the audience to applaud the end of the song.   His daughter’s grin shown like a beacon of joy, and he was only too happy to return the expression, but it was Hannah who drew his eyes in guarded contemplation.  Their gazes met across the sea of heads, and his legs almost buckled under him.

Her face was alight with more than the merriment on the others around her.  She pierced him with something he didn’t dare to examine further or closely.  Because he’d only seen that expression on a woman’s face twice in his life.

When Lauren looked at Luke...and when his mother smiled at his dad.

God help him, Justin had never seen that look on Beth’s face.  Not once.  And there Hannah stood, holding his daughter close in her loving arms, and gazing warmly over Josie’s head to him.  Him.  Justin Kirkland, the man she called a jackass.

Hell, he liked it when she called him a jackass.  He liked it when she smiled at him.  He liked her temper, too...and the way she teased him and cared for him when he’d been too exhausted to keep his eyes open.  She had hated him then, that morning, but she still offered her hospitality to him.  That was the precise reason she confused him so much.  She had despised him, and yet her kindness would not allow her to turn her back on him.  It was a paradox in everything he knew about a woman.  Only his mother could claim such trait in character, and Justin had always assumed it was because Mary Alice was his mother...it was her motherly duties and disposition to be so angry she dared not speak to him and still love him despite all that.  And -- Justin recalled a childhood memory with fondness -- though his mother had been deaf to his apologies, she had slid a bowl of her cherry cobbler across the table because he didn’t get any the night before as part of his punishment for joyriding in his dad’s tractor across a field of newly planted crops.

It was the mother in her, and Justin had foolishly believed his mother to be the only person capable of it, especially since Josie’s own mother never showed the slightest trace of such paradoxical compassion.  Now, he saw it in Hannah.  And he was confused.  She wasn’t Josie’s mother, but she acted out that title as though it was a natural extension of her life.  And she wasn’t enamored with him, Justin Kirkland, but the look she gave him right before the applause died down was anything but platonic and indifferent.

And he didn’t know what to do about it.

Brother Joe dismissed the adults on the stage, and Hannah picked her way back to her seat, smiling and murmuring gracious thanks to those who complimented her.  Justin allowed her to brush in front of him to her seat, and he caught another whiff of her perfume.  She was shaking, he noticed, and she let out a wobbly breath as she settled down beside him.  His mother hugged Hannah tightly and told her how wonderfully she sang, and his dad leaned over and did the same.  Justin sat stiffly and mutely, not brave enough to praise her as she deserved, because if he looked down into her eyes, this close...he couldn’t bear it.

She should hate him again.  He needed her to hate him again.  It was the only way to keep himself at a distance.  So, he said nothing, and even scooted far enough away so that they didn’t touch.  The gesture didn’t go without notice on her part.  From the corner of his eye, he saw her lose her smile and her cheeks flushed with scorn and wounded pride.  Her fingers balled into fists for a second before clasping together in a tight tangle of agitation.  

The Choir director spoke his parting speech, and -- not soon enough for Justin -- he dismissed the youth on stage.  Josie bounded down the aisle to him, and he scooped her up in his arms.

“You were amazing, baby girl,” he said as she wrapped her thin arms around his neck.

“I was so nervous,” she admitted and squeezed him.  “But Hannah was amazing, too, wasn’t she, Daddy?”

“Yes,” he agreed, rather stiffly.  “Hannah was good, too, but not as good as you.”

Josie giggled and slipped out of his hold.  He placed his hands on her shoulders, keeping himself away from Hannah, who had risen to her feet and shot him a heated glance before smiling at Josie.  Good, he thought.  Hate me, Hannah.  Please, hate me with a passion.

After everyone nearby gave Josie their compliments and well-wishes, Justin turned her around and asked, “What do you need to get before we head home?”

Josie blinked and frowned.  “Home?  I thought I could stay for the lock-in.”

The lock-in?  He’d forgotten about that.  

“Grandma and Grandpa said I could stay,” she went on frightfully sad, almost tearing up.  “But...but if you don’t want me to...”

The quick look he caught from Hannah told him she was quickly on her way to despising him again.  But he didn’t want Josie to hate him, only Hannah.  “No, no, I just forgot, that’s all,” he said quickly.  “Of course, you can stay.”

Josie smiled again and hugged him.  “Oh, thank you, Daddy!  We’re going to have pizza and ice cream, and watch movies, and play games, and stay up all night!”

Justin chuckled into her hair.  “Sounds like fun, sweetheart.  I guess I’ll pick you up in the morning.”

“You have to be here at eight o’clock,” she said.  “Brother Joe said any later than that, and he might have to tear his hair out!”

“He’s been saying that for years,” Hannah said with a laugh.  “It’s a wonder he has any left after the lock-ins I stayed for.”

Josie turned to Hannah with her eyes wide.  “He told me about some of them,” she whispered conspiratorially.  “Did you really fill a girl’s sleeping bag with shaving cream?”

Hannah shrugged through a grin.  “If I remember correctly, that was my senior year and the girl was the same one who doused all my clothes in ice water.  She deserved it.”

“Ah, yes,” Mary Alice chuckled behind Hannah.  “I remember hearing about that...Amy Lories, if my memory serves me correctly.  Her mother was in the Women’s Circle with me...heavens, how she used to rant and rave about Luke dating that heathen redhead!”

Hannah cleared her throat.  “Yes, well...Amy had a way of bringing the devil out in all of us.”

“Wonder what happened to her,” his mother mused as they all made their way to the exits.  Josie seemed to enjoy the storytelling with frank amusement, but Justin was trying to picture Hannah with a little she-devil on her shoulder as she squirted shaving cream into a sleeping bag.  It was an image of Hannah he was quite fond of.  He could almost see the little red-skinned creature riding on her bare shoulder now as her eyes twinkled with mischief and answered his mother’s half-hearted speculations.

“She married Benji O’Toole, one of my delivery guys and who is a devout Catholic and firmly opposed to birth control.  And Amy is now the mother of seven kids.  The last time I saw her, she looked frazzled and worn with a baby on each hip.”

“Seven children at her age?” his mother said, taken aback.  “Gracious, she can’t be any older than you.”

“A year younger in fact,” Hannah declared.  “Three sets of twins after the first baby.”

Justin watched as his mother shook her head with pity.  He felt a bit left out because he didn’t know any of these people.  His life had taken him away from his hometown, away from the names and faces he grew up with, separating himself from a childhood he tried his damnest to run away from.  And yet, the life he lived now could not compare to what his parents and Hannah seemed to enjoy everyday...the feeling of roots under their feet and a comfortable, familiar wind at their backs.  A home.  A real home, with neighbors and friends and old nemeses, not a cold condo in which he used to lay down his head at night.

“Well, I hope she’s happy,” his mother added.

Hannah smiled.  “She is...at least, I know Benji is.  They struggle to make ends meet sometimes, but I’ve seen Amy smile when she brings Benji his lunch.”

His mother replied to that with her usual kindness, and Justin looked for a hole in the conversation in which he could make his escape and head to the farm.  If he stayed around Hannah too much longer and watched her smile and laugh too many more times, he might lose his mind.  Already, he felt dizzy from inhaling the fresh scent of her perfume, fantasizing about adhering his nose to the curve of her neck and searching for the source of that scent.  But before he could say anything, a group of kids came up to Josie and dragged her away.  She left with a quick hug all around, and Justin blinked at the fact that there were a few boys in that group.

Boys.  He didn’t think about that.  Josie would be staying overnight with boys.  Was it too late to call her back?

Hannah touched his arm, making him flinch, but she smiled knowingly at him.  “Don’t worry...it’s a church.  They’ll be watched carefully.”

He risked a sidelong glance.  “And you know this from experience?”

A flicker of playfulness graced her smile.  “I’ve been to a few lock-ins in my younger days.  The boys at this age would rather play video games and football than attempt a few secret kisses in dark corners.”

He turned and looked at her full in the face.  Her hazel eyes glowed up at him, reminding him of the secret kisses they shared in private -- and not so private -- places.  And yet, as he looked deeper, behind the merriment, he saw a wariness for him that had been forced there because he snubbed her in the sanctuary.  She wasn’t sure about him, and he liked it that way.  No more gazes of unwanted affection for him.  No more thoughts of becoming more than just another person to him...at least, he hoped that was what she was thinking.  

“Justin,” he mother said, breaking his study of Hannah’s eyes, “would you be a dear and drive Hannah home?  She needs a ride.”

Oh, hell no!  How was he supposed to keep his distance from Hannah if he drove her home?  He spit glances between the two women, thinking they planned this.  Hannah was obviously trying to get him alone, when his defenses were at their weakness, and his mother was helping her!  They were both trying to tie him down.  And he got a little pissed.  “What’s wrong with your ride?” he asked irritably.

“Justin Kirkland,” his mother scoffed under her breath.  “Mind your manners!”

And his dad stepped forward and gave Justin a look that suggested he knew a few ways to teach his son a few manners.  Justin inhaled a hot breath.  “Well, I’m just wondering...she seems to need a lot of rides lately, and always when I’m around.”

Hannah’s cheeks bloomed with crimson.  “If you must know, my car is in the shop, and your parents were kind enough to pick me up tonight, but not to worry, Jack....I’ll find my own way home.”  She turned to his mom and dad.  “Thank you for bringing me.  I very much appreciate it.  And I’ll leave you to deal with your son’s benevolence as you see fit.”

His dad spoke up, even as he cast a glare at Justin.  “We’ll take you home, Hannah.”

Hannah smiled, but it trembled in