𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙚𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙙 𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙥 𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙘𝙡𝙤𝙨𝙚𝙩

It doesn't take long after I'm back home, and in my room, until there's a knock on my bedroom door. Loosening my top buttons to feel more comfortable, I open the door to find my mother standing there, beaming at me.

She doesn't say anything as she strides past me, taking a seat on my bed, pulling her legs up to cross them. She then grabs a pillow and puts it on her lap, tapping the space beside her as a gesture for me to sit. By doing this, it's how I know she is here for a proper talk.

"So," she begins once I've sat down. "How was your date?" She's looking at me so intently, and it scares me.

It usually doesn't but because she doesn't know that I was on a date with a boy, Alex for that matter, and not some girl in my chemistry class, I can't help but feel increasingly nervous. I hate lying to my mum and the only truths in what I told her are that it's a date and they're in my chemistry class.

"It was quite good," I respond, and that's another truth. It was good, indeed, and I wouldn't mind getting used to it. I wouldn't mind dating Alex, and that's so weird to think about, after everything.

"Did you get up to anything... you know?" She raises her eyebrows suggestively which would make the average teenager cringe, reeling in embarrassing at even the prospect of their parents asking if they got up to anything sexual with their date, but my family isn't like that. We're open, and we're honest. We can tell each other anything which kind of contradicts how my sister and I are thinking of our situations right now.

"No," I laugh. "Nothing quite like that."

"Oh. Disappointing?"

"Not at all."

I'm able to be so open with my mother, and I'd never want to change that. I know I can tell her anything and I don't have to feel embarrassed about anything, no matter how cringe-worthy.

We have a very close bond, almost as close as Sofia and me, and I'm very thankful for that. I'm blessed to have such a loving family, and the thought of that only makes me feel more awkward about the fact that I can't seem to muster up the courage to come out to them.

"What did you get up to?"

I pull my legs up, hugging them to my chest as I think back on the night. "Well, we were supposed to eat at a fancy restaurant," Her eyebrow raise at that, "but we figured the food was too boring so we went to a carnival instead. Rode some of the rides, played some games, all that stuff. H— they even won me a stuffed animal." I gesture to the orange and white bear I had placed on my chair.

The going some of the rides bit is a lie. We only went on one, which was the Ferris wheel, to which we did share a cliché kiss. It was sweet. The rest of the time, we spent playing the games and solely talking. I learnt a lot about Alex on that date. He is a sweet guy, without a doubt, and I kind of wish my teacher made him my tutor earlier, so we could have become friends sooner. In that case, maybe this date would have been our third date. I don't know.

She nudges my shoulder with hers, "So... what's his name?" I freeze in surprise. And then I'm in shock. His? I look at my mum in alarm. Maybe it was an accident. Perhaps she didn't mean to say 'his'. I expect her to take back her words and explain how she meant to say 'her', but she doesn't. "Tesoro? His name?"

"Mamma... you said his," I state slowly, expecting her to realise what she's said. However, no look of realisation dawns on her face. Instead, she smiles. That's it—a smile.

"I did say his," she nods. "Are you not going to tell me the name of the boy who is making my son happy, huh?"

She's insistent, and I don't know why it surprises me so much. I know my mother, she would never hurt a fly. She's the most loving person you would ever meet, but you never know when it comes to these things, and I'm not saying that to be cold. It's the truth.

"You don't care that he's a guy?"

She looks confused, "No."

"Oh."

"Tesoro, why would I care? You are my ragazzino (little boy), all I care about is your happiness and your health. I would not care even if all of my children were gay, as long as you are all content and with someone who treats you right. That is what matters to me."

"H—how did you know?" I don't mean to stutter, but it just comes out. I don't know how obvious I make my sexuality, but I don't try to display it. I don't know how my mother would know.

"You are my child, of course, I know. I have known for a while since you were a very little child. I have been waiting for you to tell me, but it did not happen. I'm sorry I took that away from you, but I could see that you were suffering with it in your mind and I can't continue watching that. Have you been too scared to tell me?"

I nod, picking at a loose bit in my duvet, suddenly very shy, which is something that doesn't happen around my mother. I guess I feel a bit ashamed. "A bit."

And she's right. I have been suffering with it in my mind for so long now. It's emotionally draining having to battle my mind about this every single day. The anxiety surrounding it has weakened me, and as the years go by, I get less and less trustful of people. It had taken five years before someone knew.

As I take a deep breath, I can feel the walls I've built around this topic begin to crumble, previously cracking when Sofia found out. The most important person in my life now knows I'm gay.

She takes my hand in hers, bringing it up to her lips to place a kiss upon it and then she's resting her cheek on our intertwined hands. "Matty, there is nothing to be scared or ashamed of, Tesoro. I would never mistreat you. You are my son, that is cruel. I don't understand how anyone could hurt their child, especially when it is not their choice."

"Thank you, mamma," I respond, shuffling closer to her, resting my head on her shoulder. She kisses the top of my head before she places it on top of mine. I don't have the urge to burst into tears as I did with Sofia. I just feel giddy and relieved. A tiny bit freer.

"We are Italians, and Italians don't abandon their family for something as small as who they are attracted to, you know. Our family should be the most important things in our lives. I know it is in mine." She wraps her arm around me and squeezes me. "Ti amo tanto, il Mio bambino."

"Ti amo anch'io."

She swivels around, so she is facing me and excitement spread across her features. I can see her gossipy side coming to life. "Now, you still haven't told me his name."

I'm back to playing with the loose thread on my duvet, a small smile playing at my lips just thinking about him. "Alex, his name is Alex."

"Alex! The one— your tutor? I thought you hated each other."

I hadn't thought of her reaction until his name passes through my lips. All I have told her about him are bad things, about how he makes fun of me and insults me and I know how overprotective she can get. The only impression she has of him is 'bad news'.

I want her to accept that I like him, but I suppose, it won't be too comfortable coming to grips with the fact that your son has feelings for and is possibly going to start dating someone who's tormented him for the past three years.

Saying that to myself, it even sounds bizarre to me. All that's going to be running through my mum's mind is the bad things that could happen like violence and similar things, but I know that Alex isn't like that.

"Not anymore," I put, simply.

I would update her a bit more on it all, tell her that Alex actually loves me and has always loved me, but that seems a bit too personal. The emotions surrounding that are still raw, and I would like a bit more time to think it over myself.

"Is he treating you right? He's not hurting you or anything, is he? Because if he is—"

"Dio Mio, mamma, no! Of course not!" I almost yell, putting a hand on her arm as if to say trust me on this.

She hesitates for a second, giving me that motherly look everyone with a mother knows too well of, "Well, are you being safe? I don't want you getting STDs or anything like that. You never know."

"I haven't slept with him. We only went on a date, and the most we've done is kiss."

"Make sure you are safe when you do come to sleeping with him, though. The last thing I want is for you to get sick. I know you are two boys but using a condom is just as important as it is with a man and a woman."

I don't cut her off or groan in disgust because I know this is important, and I know how much it means to her to tell me this, more so with her being a nurse. My parents never raised me to be immature.

"I will, I promise."

And then I perceive that I just said I would be sleeping with Alex. Will I, though? If I continue dating him, of course. Will it get to the point where I would be having sex with him? Do I want that? When would I let that happen? I mean, I wouldn't scream no at the idea, but he's slept with so many people, as far as I'm concerned.

I've slept with one person, and it didn't go down too well. That person was a girl as well, meaning I'm completely oblivious to sexual relationships with other boys. I don't want to be view as some sexual toy, either, and I don't want to make Alex look like someone that will use me, but I truly don't know him enough to be sure that he won't view me as such.

I don't even know why I'm terrifying myself about this when I've been on only one date with him. I guess I like him a lot, and I do want to see him again, I just don't know when I will be ready to sleep with another guy or if I am ready now. I'm not even talking about Alex now, I mean guys in general. Am I willing to explore my sexuality and have sex with a guy now? Maybe? Maybe not?

I do want to experience things, and I know I definitely want to experience sex with a guy, but it's the intimacy and vulnerability that scares me. Exposing myself, physically and emotionally, isn't so easy for me.

I guess, if I'm asking myself these questions, I'm not quite ready. I've been told before that if I'm ready, then I'll know, and I don't know. I don't think confusing myself with a bunch of questions count as knowing that I'm ready.

"Good. I am glad that you are happy. I must invite Alex over for dinner again."

Out of the whole conversation, this is the point where I finally do cringe. A dinner like that seems awkward, especially as Alex and I aren't even a thing. We went on one little date yet it's very much like my mother to make a small thing into something big.

"If we do become a thing, then yes."

"Do you want to become a thing with him?"

Having something with Alex is an issue I hadn't adequately thought about yet. Do I want to become a thing with Alex, like exclusive and all that? Maybe I need a bit more time; a few more dates and such just to see what he's genuinely like inside. One day doesn't show everything.

I guess this is a very one-sided questioning process as if he's in love with me. I could be his at the drop of a hat. I could be his right now.

It makes me feel a bit better knowing I most likely wouldn't have to go through rejection, which is something that stupidly petrifies me. Alex is most likely waiting for me to ask him the big question seeing as he's already known his answer for years and I haven't. But what if he asks me? What am I going to say?

Wow, it's much too soon to be asking myself these questions.

"One day, possibly."

"I say go for it if he makes you happy. Get out there, bambino, and don't be scared, OK? Make mistakes and experiment. Get yourself a boyfriend. Most importantly, have fun. Enjoy your younger years because you are only ever getting older. Live like there is no tomorrow because that is what's important. If you like Alex a lot, as I can tell you do by that smile, go for it. It doesn't matter if you've only been on one date; there are no rules. If it does not work out, then it does not work out, you will always find someone new."

"I will, mamma. I will go for it," I state in a more confident manner than I feel.

"That's my boy." She says, pressing a kiss to my forehead. "I must go to bed now as I have work tomorrow. Do not stay up too late."

"Buona Notte (goodnight)."

"Buonanotte mio Tesoro." Then she's out the door, and I'm left alone on my bed, pondering my thoughts.

Holy shit.

Holy fucking shit.

My mother now knows I'm gay. Well, I guess, she's always known? But now it's confirmed. I have come out to the most significant person in my life. Although I'm yet to tell a family member willingly, seeing as the ones that know asked me about it first, it's still another step towards happiness and self-contentment. I can do this. Holy fucking crap, I can do this.

A text message alert snaps me out of my thoughts.

I don't text back. Instead, I go to the phone icon and press on it. Alex picks up immediately, as though he was sat watching his phone and waiting for me to call him. But I know he wasn't, I'm just getting a bit ahead of myself here.

"Hi," I whisper.

"Hey."

"Thank you again for tonight."

"Of course. I had a lot of fun."

"Me too. Thanks for winning me the bear."

I look over at the bear, and the smile on its face almost seems as though it's saying 'I know how you feel about him'. Like a knowing smile, one Lucy would give me when Cami would mention any about me getting with a girl.

"Hey, you should name it."

"Hmm, I have no idea. What do you think?"

"Oh no, I can't take away naming privileges from you. That's the most important part of having a bear. It's all on you."

"Oh wow, I'm feeling the pressure."

I can hear him laugh, and it's just that sound that sends a tingling feeling down to the tips of my toes. I smile even though he can't see it.

"So? Thought of anything?"

"I'm so terrible at this!" I laugh, just about nervously. "Um... Bertie. I'm going to name him Bertie."

"Ouch, not named after me? I see how it is." He chuckles. "I'm just kidding. Bertie, pretty cute." He pauses for a second. "Like you."

"So, what are you up to this on this fine evening?"

"Well, other than coming back from a date with a hottie and now being on the phone with the said hottie, nothing. What about you?"

"I... um... I came out to my mother about five minutes ago."

I originally wasn't going to tell him but, what the Hell, he's been through it himself. He asked me what I was doing, and that's what had just happened. What would be the point in lying?

"Wait, seriously? No shit, how did it go?"

"Quite well. My mum told me she already knew, and that was the same reaction as my sister, so I guess I'm bad at hiding it."

"I'm so happy for you, Matthew. What else did she say or was it just that?"

"Oh, she just said that she loves me regardless and expressed her concern with me getting STDs. I also told her about you. She made me promise to be safe when sleeping with you."

I internally kick myself for saying that. Now I just sound desperate, like I'm begging for sex.

"Wow, I feel honoured. I hope you told your mom we would be."

And even though I know he's joking, I can feel my heart tighten in my chest, and my body temperature goes up about 10°.

"I did."

Alex clears his throat, "I— I know it's a personal subject but would you ever... let me sleep with you if this were to ever go further? I'm sorry if that's a bit too far of me to ask."

"No, we'll just be one of those couples that never have sex," I joke, and he doesn't laugh like I expect. Oh God, he probably thinks I'm being serious. I hesitate for a second, "I would, yeah."

I knew Alex would ask something like this. He's Alex Montgomery, all he knows is sex, but the way he includes 'if this were to ever go further' makes me think that maybe it's more than that with me. The relationship side of it is more important, and because of that, I feel just that tad bit more respected.

"Alex?"

"Hm?"

"I did mean it when I said I liked you."

"I know."

There's silence for so long I'm almost convinced we've lost connection. Before I can check, Alex talks again.

"Thank you for giving me a chance. You have no idea how much it means to me."

"You make me feel special, Alexander Montgomery."

"That's because you are special, Matthew Jenkins. Very much so."

"I'm far from it. I'm quite a boring person."

"That's the second time you've said that today. Take my compliments and believe them, for God's sake, you're wonderful."

"You're quite wonderful too. I wish you'd let it show more. And I mean to everyone else and not just me."

"I do too. I'll try to for you."

"Thank you."

"I do love you."

"I know."

"I think I love you more than I did before."

I don't say it aloud but in my head a different answer to what I said forms. It goes something along the lines of "if you let me, one day I may be able to love you too".

We spend twenty minutes chatting about nonsense before I unintentionally let out a loud yawn and Alex tells me that I should go to sleep.

After the call ends, I go into my bathroom and brush my teeth, hardly able to keep the smile off my face. I look stupid. Stupidly happy, and I'm not used to it, at all. This is so weird, I say to myself for like the billionth time.

After attempting to brush my teeth with a fat grin, I realise that I need a shower, so I undress and step inside it. Then I realise that I can't stop thinking of Alex and try to shower as fast as I can before anything can turn inappropriate. Embarrassed, I dry myself, put on underwear and get into bed.

I'm in seventh heaven. Coming out to my mum and getting a positive reaction, Alex not hating me anymore and not being rivals any longer, going out on my first ever date and it being successful...everything is going so great.

I turn to my side and hug a pillow to me, still beaming wider than I have in a while.

Oof, and that kiss with Alex, as well...all our kisses, actually...magnificent. Everything about Alex right now is magnificent and I never thought I'd