Chapter twenty-three: Dirty dreams

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Dirty dreams

The fact that all these romantic thought about Alex took no time rushing into my head has left me feeling bashful around him.

I've never liked someone how I do with Alex, and it's confusing, and exciting, and bloody scary all at the same time. I'm ready for it. I'm ready to dive off at the deep end, and experience dating someone, and get out of my comfort zone. My anxiety has been the thing that held me back from all this. I won't let it get in the way anymore. That's not fair on myself.

Alex is currently sat on the floor of my bedroom, his back pressed against the back of my bed with my notepad in his hand, marking all the chemistry questions I have answered. We have been doing the tutoring for a bit over an hour now and it has been so hard not to look up from my notepad and stare at Alex's beautiful face.

It's no lie that I've always thought Alex as attractive; I have that sketch of him to prove that fact. I just thought his personality was ugly, and that prevented me from seeing his true beauty. I see it now. With each day, since he apologised to me on the beach, I trust him a little bit more, and with that, he's a little bit more beautiful to me too.

My situation today is that ever since I made eye contact with him at school, my heartbeat feels as though it's beating one hundred beats per second. It seems to go away once I know he's out of the room, but when he's back again, it comes back. I've never experienced this before. And with Alex? Wow. This is all happening so quickly, and I think I like it. I keep catching myself smiling. I'm a bit more happier already, and we've only been on one date, although the have message back and forth, some messages being a bit more flirty than others.

After our conversation on the phone last night, with him asking me a question with the topic of sex in it, I may have had a small dirty dream about him. I woke up a sweaty, mortified mess and had been trying to avoid eye contact with him all day. That failed.

Once our eyes locked in third period French, my whole body has decided to go crazy. Like, heart pounding and hands shaking crazy. All the thoughts I had about last night come rushing in like a flood. It has overwhelmed me so much that I feel as though I was going to fall to my knees if I stood up. And I feel the need to kiss him. Like, badly.

I don't kiss him, though, because I don't know if we can just kiss each other whenever we feel like it. We're not a couple. Instead, I just sit here, next to the boy who's making my mind go insane, tensing every time our legs or arms brush. How could I like him so much in such a small amount of time? It doesn't make sense.

"You've seriously improved, I'm impressed. You got almost full marks," He says, handing me my notepad back. Looking down at it, I only see one cross. Since we started this tutoring, I really have improved, and now I don't resent Mr Preston for making us do this. I thank him, because so much has happened for the best.

I let out a sound which I think was supposed to be "thank you" but instead was something in between a sigh and a babble. How I was going about surviving having this gorgeous drink of water as my tutor for however long I need him for, without feeling the need to pounce on him, is a mystery. But, my God, am I thirsty.

It's funny how opening up to someone, like Alex did with me, can change someone's opinion on them so rapidly. I used to hate him, I had been so angry with him for so long, but ever since the conversation on the beach, or maybe even when he first kissed me, that hate has dissipated into something opposite. I'm now wanting to make out with him and have been having dirty dreams about him of all things. Not that I'd change anything, though. It's just divergent.

"Alex?" I say. Looking at him, I notice that he's already been looking at me and the feeling of insecurity creeping in. "Why do you like me? I mean, why me?"

"Why you?" He asks rhetorically, stretching his legs out, "I thought I already told you this on the plane."

"I know, but I just don't understand. How did you suddenly fall for me? There are better people than me."

"Better people than you?" He asks, putting on an act of hyperbolic shock.

"Just tell me why," I urge.

"OK, OK, I'll tell you." He lets out a laugh. "I think the first thing that got me was how gorgeous you are. The very first thing out of everything was your eyes, as cheesy as that sounds. They were the first thing that caught my attention when I saw you for the first time. A lot of people think that brown eyes are boring but it was sunny that and they looked golden, like honey, 'cause of the sunlight. I thought that was the most beautiful thing."

As he speaks, he's looking at me directly in the eyes so lovingly, like I mean something, that I know for sure I want to give this boy all the chances in the world. I want to help him. I want to do whatever it takes to make him the best person he can be. I want to be here. I want to be with him through whatever journeys we're about to embark on, and it may seem way too quick to think this, but I honestly don't give two shits. It's my life and mine only.

He's been in love with me for a few years now and now I'm finally here for him in the way that he has wanted. It's up to him if he wants to let me go or not take this any more further because now I know I like him, I think I want to tighten my grip on him, even if we don't become boyfriends and stay friends. I want to allow myself to give up the ghost and do that. It feels so right to me, as sudden as it is. Hate feels so wrong. That's not how our relationship meant to be, regardless of how it used to be. I feel like it should have been like this from the start.

"Then it was your accent when I first heard you talk. I think you have a pretty sexy accent. I could listen to you speak forever. I know at the time I said it sounded gay, but I was just a douche because I got scared about how it was feeling. It was so sudden and I didn't know how to act so I put up my defenses and stayed like that."

"It was shitty of you but I understand."

Alex shifts so that he is facing me a bit more, "I know it was. Thank you for understanding. I never actually expected you to, ever."

I slip my hand into his, "Is that all?"

"No. As time went on, I got to see your personality, and it made you an even more beautiful person. You are the most humble and resilient person I know, and this is just from watching you and now properly knowing you in a small amount of time."

He sighs as he runs a hand through his hair.

"Now that I've gotten the chance to know you a bit better, I can see that you're even more wonderful than I thought if that was even possible," He continues. "You struggle with your mind every day with your anxiety stuff, and I don't know what happens behind closed doors, but even if you do let it get to you and you do break down, you're still so strong. I selfishly put you through so much shit, and I know I made you nervous, yet you still stood up for yourself. I praise you for that. It must have been so hard to deal with. I'm so sorry."

"I told you to stop apologising," I remind him.

I don't remember letting my gaze fall to my hands, but I feel his fingers under my chin, making me look up at him.

"I know, but I don't think I ever will because one of the biggest regrets of my life is not grabbing ahold of you back then. I should never have ever treated you the way that I did, regardless of how I felt or how hard it was for me to deal with my sexuality. It was not fair and is entirely my fault. I let it get that bad. I control my actions so I should be apologising to you more than I do. I'm truly am so sorry. You're an amazing person. That's why I love you. I love you for you. All of you."

"Thank you," I whisper, not quite sure what to say. I feel giddy from Alex's compliments, and a stupid grin falls across my features. "For liking me for me, and for being the bigger person and apologising. And for all the nice things you've said about me since."

I have never, in my life, been complimented like this. For once, in so long, I actually feel good about myself. I never do because I'm constantly so critical of everything I do, of what I wear, of how I act, of how I present myself. And here Alex is, listing the natural things about me, the things that I don't do consciously, the things that aren't a show and are genuine. He likes me for me.

"Also your smile, the most beautiful part of you," He whispers just as quietly. I give in to my urges and lean forward, capturing his lips with mine in a kiss.

It's soft at first, just like his lips. We kiss for a little bit before I can feel his fingers trace across my thigh, and then a hand is grazing up my arm until it rests on the back of my neck, his lips lightly brushing mine, and I'm so happy that I finally get to do this. To kiss, to be kissed, by someone I truly like, by someone who truly likes me. Romance.

It doesn't take long before the kiss grows passionate, and I find myself kissing him harder than I ever have before. It feels desperate. Maybe even urgent, like we need to kiss like this to survive. All sense of reality is lost as Alex wraps his arms around me, pulling me towards him. My hands rest on the nape of his neck.

His tongue swipes across my bottom lip, making me instinctively gasp, and he takes it as an opportunity to push it into my mouth. I'm taken aback by this move, but I'm not going to complain, letting him explore my mouth. He tastes like peppermint, and my hands find his hair, trying to get even closer to him although I know that's not possible.

The kiss steals my breath away. I've never felt like this when kissing someone before. This is what it's supposed to feel like. It's different, like nothing I've ever felt before, and in such a good way. It's like there's fireworks going off inside my head as a burst of feelings explode within me. I've never kissed someone who I've had feeling for before, and I never know it could feel so unfamiliar.

I don't mean to, but I let out a slight moan. If Alex is weirded about by this, he doesn't show it. Instead, he pushes me back until I am lying on my back, him hovering over me. His hands find their way up my shirt, and the skin on skin contact makes me shiver.

We're interrupted before anything can go further by the sound of my door opening. We both sit up, our heads snapping round to face the door, to see Sofia stood there, mouth opening and closing like a fish. "I'm so sorry," She says breathlessly, "I should have knocked."

I give her a look as if to communicate: this is where you leave now. However, she doesn't seem to get it, and instead stays stood there. I try not to scream at her to get out and to stop interrupting me because I was really enjoying this, and now the moment is gone.

After composing herself, she smiles at me. "Matty, can I talk to you for a minute?" My eyebrow raises, "It won't take long, you'll be able to get back to your canoodling soon."

I give Alex an apologetic look, "I won't be too long."

Once I'm out the door, Sofia is pulling me down the stairs and towards her bedroom, squealing in delight. When we're safely in her room, she lets out a 'gah' sound and pulls me into a hug. "I fucking knew it! You and Alex have a thing. Ah, this is so exciting!"

"Not the sort of thing you're thinking of," I respond, knowing she's implying that Alex and I have a sexual relationship as I sit down on her bed, "But, kind of, yeah. I went on a date with him the other night."

She sits down next to me, a disbelieving expression on her features, "I just walked in on you shoving your tongues down each other's throats, and if I weren't to have walked it, God knows how far it would have escalated. Yes, you do have a thing. Holy wow, you're dating Alex Montgomery! You hated each other!'

"I wouldn't say dating. It was one date. And I hated Alex, he never hated me actually," I respond. She gives me a questioning glance. "He, um, told me he loved me." She gasps, hands clasped over her mouth, "Yeah, I know. He's loved me for three years apparently. That's what he says, anyway, and I'm going to take his word for it."

Her eyebrows furrow, "But then why would he—? You were at each other's necks all the time, how could he—? I thought this was a new thing!"

"It is for me! It's a long story but to cut it short, he was trying to disguise the love with hate as he hated the fact that he liked a guy....or loved. Then he got scared that I would find out out."

"Wow." She gasps again, then her big grin appears again, and she squeals once more, "God, my little brother has found himself a boyfriend. What is he like in bed? I heard he's a beast in the sheets."

"That is none of your concern and never will be. And Alex is not my boyfriend!"

"Not yet."

I ignore her comment, but it still leaves a couple of questions floating around in my mind. Not yet. I mean, now that everything has happened, there is a chance that it is going to happen. That Alex could become my boyfriend, and honestly, that's scary. Do I actually want that, with all the history behind us? I don't think I've properly thought it all through, I've just let my feelings get in the way of what needs to be debated. Heart over brain like always.

I very quickly decide not to worry about this any further and turn my body, so I'm facing my sister, pulling my legs up and crossing them. "So, what did you want to talk to me about?"

"I have an prenatal appointment that I was initially going to go to alone, but I don't think I can, I need someone there. Y'know, for the support. You're the only person who knows that I'm pregnant so I was wondering if you could come with me? You could just stay in the waiting room as I'm getting the scan, it would just give me comfort knowing that you're in the building."

I nod my head, almost confused at why she was asking me as though I'd say no. I never want to leave my sister to deal with this on her own. I don't think that this is something someone should go through by themselves. I'm determined to make sure she knows I will always be there, so I say, "Of course, I'll go with you. When's this appointment?"

"Today, at five-thirty."

"That's in an hour!" I gape at her. "Alex is here!"

"It was the only time I could book it. Are you still going to come?"

I nod, "Of course. I just tell him that he can't stay too long, then."

She gives me another hug, breathes out a thank you and lets me go back up to my room where I find Alex grinning down at a picture frame. It's then that I realise that picture was of my mother and me when I was about five, pulling funny faces at the camera. We look off our tits mad.

When he notices that I'm back in the room, he puts the picture back down on my chest of drawers and begins to chuckle. I rush up to the drawer and place the picture face down so he can't see it anymore, embarrassed at the fact that it's even on display.

"Why are you hiding it? You look adorable." He puts the picture back upright and looks at it for a second, and there's a look in his eyes that I can't quite describe. "See, your eyes look like honey in this picture."

"I look crazy," I say. "Please don't eat my eyes."

"No matter to delicious honey is, I'm not going to eat your eyes. No need to worry about that."

"Good, but I'll be wary," I joke.

After letting Alex know of my sister's doctor appointment, we try to go back into chemistry mode, but my mind keeps wondering to the events of what happened before my sister barged in on us, and I suddenly go all shy, looking at my lap while I bite on my lip.

Alex must notice this as he says, "I'm sorry if what happened was too much. I don't know what came over me. I can tone it down a bit, or we don't even have to do anything like that. Wherever you're at, I'm at, OK?"

"No, Alex, it's OK. I liked it. I want to do that stuff. Please, don't tone it down," I say, grabbing ahold of his hand.

We smile at each other for a moment until I break eye contact first, not quite sure what to do next. Alex is at my house to tutor me, but after what happened, it feels as though we're supposed to be doing something completely different, and I don't think we'd be able to concentrate if we were to try and focus on Chemistry any further.

"What are we doing?" Alex mutters before he pulls me towards him and we're kissing again. And it's magic.


I didn't realise how awkward it would feel, sitting in the waiting room of a maternity ward at a hospital.

Everyone else here is an adult, and my sister and I keep getting weird glances. I honestly don't know what is so hard about being respectful and not staring at someone like they're naked. I wish I could just tell them to mind their own business, but I don't have enough courage to speak up like that.

"Aren't you a bit young to be parents?" A lady of about fifty asks us as she sits down in the seat next to me. I want to remark on her age but I stop myself before doing so to not be a hypocrite. Instead, I opt for a slightly more mature response.

"I'm not the father. I'm her brother," I say, giving her a smile in hopes that she would finally worry about herself and leave us alone.

"Oh, so her family supports this then?" She mutters to herself before looking at me through a side-eye, "Or is she here for an abortion?"

"I think you should mind your own business," I respond to her rudeness, shocking myself at my new found confidence. I guess having a heated make-out session with the most self-assured guy in the school can transport some of that confidence on to you. She looks taken aback by me but shuts up nonetheless.

I look at my sister to check her reaction to this, but she's too engrossed in reading a breastfeeding leaflet to show any awareness to what the lady was saying. I feel relieved at this. I don't want her worrying about her pregnancy even more as she's yet to tell our parents. I think I'm the only person who knows unless she let her friends know, or the father. I don't even know who that is.

"Who's the father?" I ask, giving her a nudge so that she knows I'm talking to her.

"The father? I have no idea." She answers as though it's nothing, folding her leaflet back up and placing it in her handbag. I look at her dumbfounded. "I went to a party, got blackout drunk and woke up in a stranger's bed the next morning, so. All I know is that they live next to the park and a five-minute walk away from our house. Problem is, I don't remember what house number or what the house looked like, I didn't think checking was very important at the time. I just wanted to get out of there."

"That must suck," I answer, not quite sure what to say. For reasons more than one, I've never been in a situation like that. I never will be. I don't know how to comfort Sofia about this or if she even needs comfort.

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