𝙃𝙤𝙬 𝙙𝙤𝙚𝙨 𝙞𝙩 𝙛𝙚𝙚𝙡?

The first time Cami and I properly hang out together outside of school comes two days after mine and Alex's second date. Since he pointed out that Cami and I seemed a bit more distant recently, it's all that's been on my mind. Even now, she appears a bit more reserved.

I genuinely don't know what's happened. I try to think back to a time where I would have possibly hurt Cami's feelings. However, I can't think of a single thing. We like to joke about a lot about the stupidest things. Maybe she took something the wrong way?

I can't remember saying anything remotely offensive to her, and she always knows it's a joke. She'd tell me if she got offended and I always try to avoid that. I don't even joke about things that could be seen as offensive anyway.

Maybe she's found a significant other as Alex said; it's not out of the picture, although I'd expect her to tell me. I know I'm a hypocrite by saying that, but my situation is a bit different. If I tell her that I'm seeing someone, I'll have to come out. Currently, I'm trying to gather as much confidence as I can to be able to do that. It's a big deal to me.

As Cami sits next to me on my bed, my laptop on her lap as she watches Riverdale, I draw. I don't know what I'm sketching at first, and I let myself do it subconsciously, though when I'm about three-quarters of the way through it, I realise what I'm doing.

I'm sketching Alex. Again.

I pause, pencil hovering over the page as I stop myself before I can let it touch the paper and blink at the drawing before me, confounded at how easily I've been able to picture him in my mind: his ebony, slightly unkempt but overall sexy hair; dark, chocolatey eyes; that one dimple on his left cheek; his sharp jawline that looks like it could cut through any glass. And his lips, so goddamn kissable.

I've included almost every detail, even shading the shine into his eyes. I can feel myself getting flustered over the idea that Cami could look over and see that I'm drawing Alex of all people. I would stop and put away the notebook, but I can't seem to leave this one unfinished. So I turn around and face her, making it look like I'm about to say something to cover the fact that I'm hiding something. And I do speak because I don't want her getting suspicious.

I don't choose what I say before I say it, it just comes out, and I have no time to stop myself mid-sentence, "Cami, have you ever been in love?"

I suppose I want to know her answer to this for two reasons. The first being it may be a clue to any possible romantic figure in her life at the moment, one step closer to finding out why she's been distancing herself from not just me, but all her friends. On the other hand, I want to know how to know when I'm in love. I want to know when I'm in love because I don't want to waste time telling Alex that I love him back, but I also want to be sure.

She looks up at me, surprised by my out-if-the-blue question. She blinks back at me first, then she nods, "I'm gonna be honest here, and I'm sorry I haven't told you, but yes. Yes, I have."

"How did you know?" I ask.

I don't ask why she didn't tell me because I figure if she hasn't then maybe it's none of my business. Perhaps she doesn't want people to know, and I don't need to know everything happening in her life. She doesn't know everything that is happening in mine, so that's why I need to accept that she'll keep things from me as I do with her.

She pauses the show and sits up straighter, closing the laptop but keeping it on her lap. Her expression changes from surprise to one of excitement, and I can see the Cami that I know and love appear.

A grin spreads across her face, and I know she knows something's up with me. I don't grin back. Instead, I look at her with a blank expression. This conversation isn't all fun and games to me. It's crucial and terrifying.

She doesn't catch on to my seriousness and continues to look at me as though I've just confirmed that I have a love interest. When she speaks, she has a rushed pace, and it's this very excitement that causes the lump in my throat to rise. Maybe it wasn't such a good question to ask. I don't want to reveal anything right now.

"Well, first of all, you need to know that there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone." She begins, using her hands to exemplify her point, "Loving someone is how they make you feel while being in love with someone is how you make them feel if you get what I mean."

"Yeah." I nod, slowly closing my notebook and leaning forward a bit, suddenly so eager to know. "So, how do you know when you're in love then? What does it feel like?"

"It's hard to say. You just know. But if you're desperate for clear signs, I guess you prioritise whoever you may be in love with, like their needs are always before yours. So this means that care, and you give care, and if they're going through a tough situation or hard time, even when you only hear about it, it affects you too. It will reflect on your mood as well as theirs. Not in the way that it does with them, but you still hold a lot of emotion towards it. Oh, and you're aware of their flaws, and are okay with them."

"Oh," I whisper.

"Why?" She looks at me, sceptically. "Are you in love with someone?"

"No, just curious," I reply, looking down at the customised notebook in my hand.

In reality, I don't know. The feelings I have for Alex, they're too strong just to be a simple like. I like Alex more than like if that makes any sense at all. I just don't know if I'm in love with him. It's way too soon.

I don't know what I'm feeling right now, but it's only been just over two weeks since I started dating him.

The thing is, I felt things towards him before I started dating him; before he even kissed me under the tree that day. I first realised that something was up when he told me about his crush, and I didn't know he was talking about me. So in reality, I've had something for him for about a month now. Can it take one month to fall in love, or is that too quick still?

It's probably lust or infatuation. A firm like I guess. It needs time to progress, right?

In contrast, people always tell you that it takes time to love someone but are there any rules surrounding this, realistically? You run your own life. It has to be different for everyone. It can't be the same every single time.

I've never been in a relationship before, I've never known what it's like to be in love. I'm clueless and naïve, and I know I shouldn't be thinking about this so soon. Only, it's hard not to when you know they love you and if you tell them you love them, you're not going to be shot down and abandoned. It won't ruin the relationship.

Or maybe it will be, perhaps I'll end up feeling too awkward because I'm not really in love with him at all. It's all infatuation.

Holy hell, he's not even my boyfriend, why am I thinking of this right now?

"Often you're told, if you think about them a lot or if you feel happy around them then you're in love blah blah, but it's so much more than that." Cami continues. She then nudges me with her foot, "Love is so strong an emotion, you need to know before you tell them because you could break their heart if you're not sure. It takes time, don't rush into anything." That's when I know she knows something.

I look up at her and swallow. I can feel my heart beating hard in my chest as I say the next few words, "Can I tell you something?" She opens her mouth to respond, but then she snaps it shut, staring behind me at the door. I turn around and see Sofia standing there.

"Yo, Isaak, Eva and I are about to bake cookies. Do you two want to join us?" Sofia says.

Before I can say anything, Cami is nodding, jumping up from my bed and bounding down the stairs. My sister stays behind, her back pressed against the doorframe, arms crossed.

"I heard her talking about love. Have you told her yet?" Sofia asks me. I shake my head, turning my gaze back on the notebook in my hands. I give it a small, sad smile. You seriously make me feel things, don't you, Alex Montgomery? "Are you in love with him?" She goes on to ask.

I glance at her. You could never tell she was three months pregnant; she either doesn't have much of a bump yet, or she's hiding it well.

I shrug my shoulders at first, and then I'm shaking my head no again. "You will tell me when you figure out that you are, won't you?" She presses.

"Of course," I lie, because I can't promise her that, and she spins around, making her way downstairs. I stay seated for a few more seconds, not discerning until now that my hands are shaking.

What is happening to me? I have never been so scared about something in my life, and this time, I cannot distinguish if it's good or bad. I suck in a deep breath, tell myself to get a grip and stand up.

There is already flour everywhere by the time I reach the kitchen. Isaak has covered himself in the stuff. He practically looks like a ghost.

"Matty! Pick me up!" he yells, running up to me as soon as I'm in the room, reaching his hands up at me in a grabbing motion. Usually, we're not allowed to pick him up as he's reached the age where he needs to learn not to rely on being carried around all the time, but I do it anyway.

Instead of holding him, I place him on the counter and let him watch me as I pour sugar into the weighing scales. I've baked so much that I know a lot of recipes off by heart.

"Hey, are you alright?" My younger sister asks, taking the sugar from the scales and pouring it into the mixing bowl.

"Yeah, fine. Why?" I ask. I don't get a verbal response. In place of that, she wraps her around my waist and hugs me. "What's up?"

"Nothing's up with me. You just look like you need a hug." She says.

I rest my head on top of hers and smile. It is things like that that remind me why I love my family so much. We can read each other well, and I'm glad that we're all close. The only person that none of us is hugely close with anymore is Luca as he's hardly ever home. It's like he's only here to sleep and eat then he's gone again. None of us likes that, but we can't do anything to stop him; he's an adult now.

"Ti amo Fratello."

"Ti amo anch'io."

"Oh yeah, Matty, forgot to tell you but I heard a rumour Alex is now dating someone. A boy, as well. Do you know who it is, by any chance?" Cami asks, leaning over the counter with her phone in her hand. I try to peak over to see what's she's looking at, but she slams it to her chest, hiding whatever content is on there from me. I look at her in alarm, but she brushes it off.

A pang of fear hits my stomach all at once, and I instantly feel a bit sick. I clear my throat, praying my voice wouldn't give anything away, "Not at all, why would I?"

"Oh, just wondering. I've been trying to find out who it is." She says, glancing back down at her phone and laughing at something on it.

Who in the world would know Alex is dating someone and does that person know it's me? Are they going to tell everything that? Holy shit, this is the end of my life. Alex can't be seeing someone else, and that's who the rumour is about, right? I know I shouldn't think that, but my self-confidence has never been high. I ponder whether or not it would be wrong if I texted him and asked.

"Right."

Then I get the suspicious feeling that maybe Alex told someone. Perhaps a best friend he confided in and someone overheard? Or could the friend have gone behind Alex's back and told people? I feel desperate for some kind of answer, and it's this fear that's made me feel a tad bit helpless.

"Has Alex said himself that he was dating someone?" Sofia asks with an eyebrow raise.

"No, but—"

I stand up straighter, annoyance settling in. I don't know if it's due to my anxiety or how it's frustrating how Cami just assumes these rumours are correct, but this has left me feeling antsy. Probably both.

"Then don't just assume it's true. Rumours are rumours, don't believe them until the subject of that rumour has confirmed it." I shoot, not at all feeling bad for snapping.

Rumours piss me off, and this rumour indirectly involves me, as I'm the person who is dating Alex. It's true, sure, but she doesn't know that. She chose to believe it's true because what? It's an interesting piece of gossip. I don't want to feel anxious about this stuff all the time, and if my best friend is going around believing these rumours, then I don't know what to think. She might find out.

She looks a slight bit taken aback. I've never been the argumentative type for obvious reasons, and everyone knows that. "OK, fine. I don't know why you're so defensive about this."

"I'm not, I just— you know how I felt when that rumour was spread about me last year." I make up an excuse.

It's bitterly funny because she has no idea about the mental thunderstorm happening in my head and I can't tell her what is happening because I'm too much of a pussy.

God, I hate being so scared about this— about people finding out in general not just Cami. I want to be able to shout it from the rooftops, but I can get a lot of negative attention from that. I don't think I'm mentally strong enough for any potential reproval. I need to build up strength and go from there.

She seems to get it, "Oh God, yeah. Sorry."

I wave it off, getting my phone out to text Alex. I can't drive myself insane about this if I don't do the mature option and talk to him.

I smile down at my phone, leaning over the counter like Cami. And this is it, another step towards a relationship. Alex and I are exclusively dating. Just each other. Woah, we're almost boyfriends. I want to wait a bit now until we use any labels, but still.

"Can I talk to you in the hall for a second?" Eva asks suddenly.

I finally look up from my phone. The first thing I see is Sofia staring at me with a knowing expression, her eyebrows raised. I shrug, both in response to Sofia's questioning gaze and Eva's request, "Why?"

"Oh, something is happening between this guy and me, and I want to ask your opinion on it."

I gesture towards my older sister, who is now busying herself with a conversation with Cami, "Why can't you ask Sofia?"

Eva never asks for advice or any sort of help for that matter. She's always done everything on her own, independently. She hates anyone's aid. We've all learnt to accept that and to not offer assistance except when she seriously does need it. It is this that lets me know that she knows something's up. If she needed help on boy trouble, I would not be her first choice. Either Sofia or my mother would be able to offer some sort of advice. Not me.

"Because I want your opinion," she says, rolling her eyes as though this is the most obvious thing in the world. I sigh, letting her grab my arm and essentially pull me out into the hallway. She makes sure to shut the door of the kitchen behind us.

I look at her impatiently, though I'm not too sure why I'm feeling impatient anyway. I'm not waiting for anything. Or possibly, I am. Maybe I'm waiting to hear her ask about what's going on. "Yes, what about this guy?"

"I was lying." She responds, pulling an amused face. Then she gives me a mischievous smile, "Right, now let's cut to the chase. Are you the person, or rather boy, that Alex is dating?"

No matter how many times this is going to happen to me, which is the fourth time now, with two of those times leading to me coming out, I'm stunned into silence. How can she know that?

"From your reaction, I'm taking that as a yes, then. So you're gay?" She says, smirking.

I take a deep breath and plaster on a smile, mocking confidence when in reality, my hands are shaking like crazy, and I feel like if I suck in too sharp a breath, I'll start choking, "Yeah."

She shrugs, "Coolio, that's all I wanted to know."

I pause for a second, puzzled by her lack of reaction. Coolio? I'm not sure what I was expecting. I know she would never treat me differently or badly or anything like that but coolio? Despite knowing she would be OK with it, I still find myself asking, just to make sure, "Wait, are you alright with it?"

She gives me a bemused look, "Why wouldn't I be? You're my big brother. I love you."

"How did you figure it out?"

"You hadn't made an effort hiding any of your reactions. I saw the way you reacted when Cami mentioned the rumour, and I saw when you smiling were at your phone and got curious, so I took a peek. From what I saw, he seems sweet."

I bashfully smile at the ground, "He is sweet."

"Does mum and dad know?"

"Just mum, not dad. Sofia knows, as well. Cami doesn't so could you not talk about it with her around."

"Got you." She says, nodding in approval. Then she's back in the kitchen, and I'm left standing in the hallway on my own, taking in what had just happened.

That's it. I've come out to a fourth person. Two close family members down, two to go. And then a best friend. And the rest of my extended family. And the school. And the world. Oh shit.

My phone buzzes with a notification, and taking it out of my pocket, I see that Alex has posted a tweet. I click on it instantly and see that the tweet consists of him claiming that he is not