𝙉𝙤𝙩 𝙜𝙞𝙫𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖 𝙘𝙧𝙖𝙥

Now that Alex and I are on good terms putting us in clear view of each other during a very dull assembly is not the best idea.

As our headteacher, Ms Jones, drones on about school inspections and whatnot, I haven't been too bothered about paying attention. Alex has been keeping me entertained by imitating her as she speaks.

As I stifle a laugh, I catch Lucy's attention, and she quickly glances over in the direction of Alex, who has now turned away from me to avoid getting caught by a teacher.

Lucy's lips curl into that usual knowing smile, and I can't help but blush. I haven't told her about Alex loving me as, for the same reason why I didn't tell my mother, it feels too personal. The only person I have felt comfortable telling is my sister. But, I have updated her on our date.

Luckily, Cami hadn't seemed to notice, which I'm quite surprised she hasn't as Alex and I have been shamelessly catching each other's gazes all week. Instead, her eyes are on the large screen hung over the stage, and is mouthing 'what the fuck'. I frown at her, wondering what Ms Jones was introducing to this school this time and when I do, I have to refrain from gagging.

School uniform.

Fucking school uniform.

It's like England all over again. I cannot, under any circumstances, wear a uniform to school. Especially not the one projected onto the screen. Who thought a red and green striped tie would be a good idea? We'd look like Christmas ornaments.

"Due to the growing number of strikes being issue to girls for skirts that are too short and shoulders being on display, after multiple discussions, it has been decided by the school board that we will offer you a school uniform effective immediately." Ms Jones says, speaking into the microphone she can just about reach, even wearing heels. A loud groan comes from us students, but she gives us all a pointed look, and everyone shuts up immediately. She's a tad intimidating despite her height.

"As short skirts are our main priority to battle, this school uniform will not include a skirt. Instead, you girls will have to wear pants just like the boys. We do offer two separate pants: one design for the girls and one design for the boys, however, it is up to any of you to decide which one you will wear, as long as you come into school wearing the uniform. The uniform also consists of a blazer, tie, white shirt and plain black shoes. We understand that you may not be able to purchase the uniform straight away, so that is why we are allowing you six days, which will be Wednesday next week, to buy the uniform. You will be able to find this uniform on our website, in the stationary shop in this very school and in the school uniform shop which sells the uniforms of the private schools. If, past Wednesday, you fail to come into school wearing said uniform, you will be issued detention, a phone call home and you will be made to change. Repeated offences will land you in an in-school suspension and can escalate to an out-of-school exclusion too if you so wish to continue. We will be keeping our strike system, however, instead of using it for skirt length and stomachs being on display, we will be striking you if your top button is not done up or if your shirt is not tucked in and the number of strikes before a sanction will be reduced to three. We understand that this may not be very appealing to you though we do remind you that you will get used to it and I will be looking forward to seeing you all in your brand new uniform on Monday. Thank you."

As soon as she steps away from the microphone, the sound of chatter begins to fill the hall. I instantly turn to Cami, who is sharing the same expression I'm holding. Absolute disgust. I felt so relieved when moving to America, knowing I wouldn't have to wear a uniform to school. But now I have to again? Oh, hell no. That is not it.

"I'm going to know what it's like to be British," She mumbles, staring at the pictures of the uniform on the screen with wide eyes. I nod, struggling to find the words to describe how horrified I am at this conception.

Although it doesn't seem too much of a big deal and should not stun someone into silence, Cami and I like to dramatise things. And I mean dramatise.

I look up so I can catch Alex's reaction to this, however through my stunned silence, I had not realised that everyone had already started shuffling out of the hall and to our first period. I can feel Lucy nudge me to start moving, so I snap out of my terrorised funk and make my way out of the room.

Cami, Lucy and I part ways as we all have different lessons and I'm left alone, trudging down the hallway in peace on the outside, while my mind is having an inner freak out about how disgusting I'm going to look and feel in a school uniform.

That peace does not last a second longer as I feel someone grip my arm and pull me into the janitor's closet before I can even yell out in protest. I look up, eyes wide in surprise, to see Alex stood only a few centimetres in front of me — there is not a lot of space in this closet — smirking at me.

I open my mouth to ask why he's dragged me in here so unexpectedly, but he cuts me off before even a syllable can leave my lips, "God, I know I'm supposed to ask in situations like this, but I'm dying to kiss you." He says, eyes on my lips as he speaks before his hands are on my cheeks and he's smashed his lips to mine.

It's one of those kisses where you forget to breathe. When we pull apart, I'm panting like a dog. I mean, I could live with surprise kisses like that, if I'm honest.

"Matthew?" He asks, his hands still on my cheeks and his lips just inches away from mine. I can feel his hot breath as he breathes heavily.

"Yeah?"

"What are we?"

I'm about to give him a straight reply, but then I realise that I don't have an answer. I don't know what we are, at all. This question knocks me off guard for a second. It's a very cliché question which can make or break whatever we have between us. "I— I don't know."

"I'm not asking to be exclusive or to be your boyfriend," He assures me, although I already knew he wouldn't be asking for something quite like that just yet. He's too respectful. "I just— are we dating or, like, people who make out or nothing?"

A smile flickers across my lips, "How about both?"

"Dating and making out, I can live with that." He laughs.

He then coughs and takes his hands away from my face, looking down to our feet then back up again. I'm dazed at the fact that his expression has wholly changed to one of.. shame? A light shade of pink paints his cheeks. He's blushing.

"What's up?"

He takes my hand in his, "I don't want you to feel pressured into doing anything with me, and if I go too far with anything, please tell me. I know what people say about me, how I sleep around and that I'm a very sexual person which, I will say, I am."

"I gathered," I smirk. It only makes Alex look more worried, so I snap my mouth shut.

"Please know that doesn't mean I'm going to try and get you to sleep with me or anything. You mean a lot to me, you have done for a pretty long while. You're not like everyone else, sexual shit like that isn't important when it comes to you but, I do have to admit here, I have urges to be with you, if you get what I mean. I just want to warn you before we start properly dating or whatever. If you feel uncomfortable at any time at all, please let me know. I'll back off immediately."

I feel the urge to laugh at the image of him wanking off to me, I have no idea what he'd picture, but then I remember that this is a somewhat mature conversation and being immature isn't the best move right now. "It's OK. I will. Don't worry."

"I know this is a bit of a personal question and you don't have to answer if you don't want to, especially as we've kinda only started dating. I only want to know before we get into anything, as you said over the phone that you would let me do stuff with you. How many people have you have sex with?"

I hesitate, but then I know I don't need to lie. There'd be no point. "One. A girl, before you ask," I reply, feeling embarrassed about the lack of sexual experience I hold compared to him, and in general. I don't need to ask Alex to know that he's slept with a large about of people. It shouldn't do, but it makes me feel a bit intimidated.

"Only one?" He asks.

I expect him to smirk, or at least spot a teasing glint appear in his eyes, but he doesn't. He keeps his serious demeanour, and I'm thankful for it. I know I don't need to be embarrassed and I shouldn't think he'd make fun of me for it, but anxiety is a bitch.

"Yeah. Is that a problem at all?"

"Kinda hoped you were a virgin," he says, but he says it with a cheeky grin.

"Huh?"

"I'm kidding," he tells me. I let out a nervous-sounding laugh. "Thought I kinda did have a fantasy of taking your virginity at one point."

"What?"

"I don't know. Don't people usually have fantasies about things that probably won't come true?"

Hm. I take a beat to respond. I know I do, so I say, "I guess so."

"Okay, it's not like I didn't want you to do stuff with other people before me, I'm not weird like that, it's just the idea of the connection, you know. I don't know, ignore me, it's stupid. I don't have it anymore."

I smile at him, my heart doing a weird flip. He seriously did like me. Now that I'm aware I do it, I can feel myself bite my lower lip. "It's not stupid, but it is dumb."

"There's a difference?"

"Yeah, I guess so. Not stupid because sometimes we can't help our fantasies and we're allowed to want things, regardless of whether or not it will come true. Everyone has them. Dumb because there was a high chance of it never coming true, and it's not going to be true."

"Yeah. Good to know you understand."

"Well, duh, I understand. You never said 'let me take your virginity' or anything like that, so there was no reason to assume. I do think the fantasy is kind of sweet."

"You do?"

"Yes. Besides, if we do get round to doing it, you'd be the first guy I would do it with, anyway. So, in a way, it's more special than my first ever time, and it would be the first time it would be meaningful. Plus, I was fifteen, ages ago. I still feel like a virgin, if I'm honest."

My past me would slap myself for saying this, for talking to a guy I had only been on one date with and have been making out with for the past five days about having sex with him. You're going to fast! I would say. But who cares, right?

There are no rules and if there were then fuck them. I should be able to live how I want this is my life and I want to make the very best of it. I don't want to grown old and have a ton of regrets embedded in my life. I don't want criticism, especially not from myself. That's the worst kind of criticism. I'm young. Like my mum said, I only have these teenage years once and they're drawing to a close now. Eight months until I'm an adult with responsibilities. It should be a time where I can enjoy myself.

I'm not telling him I want to him to fuck me right here and now, I'm just talking about if it were to ever happen between us. I wouldn't go all the way with him unless he were my boyfriend. In which, he is not, so it's not going to happen just yet. Alex has liked me for three years, I want to try new things, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. As long as he's my boyfriend if we were to have sex and we're careful, then that's all that matters to me.

"Fifteen? Didn't expect you to be so young." He gives my arm a playful nudge.

"Why?"

"I— I don't know. You just seem—"

"Modest? Chaste?" I'm quick to ask.

"No. I don't know why I didn't expect it. Sorry, don't be offended."

"I'm not offended. I assume you were young, too?" I say. I wish I didn't assume as soon as it leaves my lips.

"Same age as you were."

"Ooh, something we have in common, then."

"I guess so," Alex chuckles.

It feels so good to talk about it like this, utterly shamelessly. Fuck embarrassment. Fuck shame. Fuck people who would think of me as stupid or desperate or anything negative for talking this way. I'm living my life, and I'm living how I want.

I'm liberated, and it feels like a breath of cold, fresh air—bloody refreshing.

"You know what? I'm kind of glad the school is introducing a uniform." He says, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me closer to him. He bites his lip as he looks down at me, his hair falling a bit, and I swoon at how gorgeous he is.

In a way, he makes me feel both insecure and confident at the same time. I mean, who doesn't look at him and feel self-conscious. He is easily the most good looking person in all of Massachusetts. I know I shouldn't, but sometimes I look at him and wish that I was a bit more like him; not skinny, a bit taller, perfect features, sexy voice.

Then, on the other hand, through the week that I've spent getting closer to him, he's made me feel more confident in myself. Somebody likes me. Scrap that, somebody loves me. I'm worthy of something. He's shown me that I can be loveable, and it's because of that, I've been able to trust him so much easier than I ever thought I would in a week.

I wrinkle my nose at the image of me wearing the school uniform that I'm going to have to wear, "Ew, why?"

"Because I get to see you looking all sexy in uniform."

"I won't look as sexy as you," I give him a cheeky sort of grin, purposefully looking him up and down. I look down at my watch then back up at him. "We've got to go to class. We're already quite late as it is."

He shakes his head, "Skip class with me."

"What?" I gasp, as though I'm being asked to rob a bank with him. "I can't skip class!"

"Come on, live a little. What sounds better to you: a forty-five minute, dull chemistry lesson or making out with me?"

I let out a sigh and connect our lips, answering his question without having to say a word or even thinking about it. I just do it, and the thought that I can now do this whenever I want as long as it's somewhere private makes me smile into the kiss.

"Well well well, what have you been up to with ruffled up hair? Been sneaking off with Prince Charming, have we?" Lucy jokes, catching up with me as I make my way to the canteen for lunch. "I saw you come out of that janitor's closet beginning of period two. Spill. Now."

"Oh, I just spent the entire first period making out with Alex, is all," I say, smirking, once I'm sure we're out of earshot of anyone.

Lucy squeals, like she's some sort of fangirl obsessing over a couple that she ships. I don't mind it as it reminds me that I have a friend who supports me. I hope, when Cami finds out, she will be one too.

I have been doing some thinking, and maybe I am ready to tell Cami? She's been my friend for so long, and this is a big part of my life, the next step to acceptance. She deserves to know.

I have no clue what her views are on gay people as I've always been too afraid to bring it up and ask but if she doesn't accept it, then, maybe she'll agree to deal with it? She can't abandon me for this, can she? We've known each other for too long for petty stuff like that. We're like glue and paper. We stick, and I love her too much to lose her.

A girl walks out of a classroom and fear momentarily overtakes me at the prospect that she heard what I just said, and I begin to wonder if it will always be like this—like, being scared with anyone finding out. If Alex and I were to become exclusive, I'm not sure if we would tell people other than close friends.

Everyone knows that Alex is bisexual and the school has been so cool about it, though if I come out as gay, it may be different. Alex still likes girls; that's something. I could get shit for being fully gay. I don't know what would happen to our reputations if we were to become a couple. I'm not sure if I should even care. I mean, Alex would matter more than what people think of us.

"So, have you done the do with him yet?" Lucy asks, nudging me playfully while giving me an exaggerated wink.

"No, I'm not ready for that yet. We'd have to be in a relationship first." I reply, swallowing as a lump appears in my throat due to nervousness.

I feel like people are bringing this topic up too many times, and I'm starting to wonder why people think that sex is everything. Sofia, my mum, Lucy: all these people have asked me about it, have expected me to be engaging in it because I've been on one date.

Sex is just one part of a relationship, like a luxury. It's something that I want to do with someone that I'm in a relationship with because I want to be more physically closer to them, when I'm already emotionally close to them. People shouldn't expect me to be engaging in it with a guy just because we went on one date. That's not me, and I'm tired of having to explain myself. It's not a big deal to everyone, sure, but it is to me.

She gives me a funny look. I know what she is trying to communicate, but she doesn't understand. She's basing this all off of her judgment— though not necessarily an adverse one. I know Alex a bit more than she does. "Yeah but this is Alex we're talking about, a supposed sex maniac."

"I've already talked about this with him. He said he would never pressure me into doing anything with him. I guess it's my call for when anything happens."

She lets out another squeal, squeezing my arm in excitement. "Oh my God, the guy is perfect. Let him be your boyfriend already! I've been hearing you talk non-stop about him for a week and the fact that you're not boyfriends is killing me! I can't survive any longer!"

Not yet, but one day.

He respects me and my feelings, and he's been nothing but kind. He stopped saying any bad words towards me at school, even though people don't know about the dating. There's nothing to say he can't be my partner in the future. He would be somebody, when I'm ready. That's when we gain the emotional connection that we are nearing.

Then and only then would I want nothing more than for Alex Montgomery to be my boyfriend.

I'm proud of you.