𝙎𝙝𝙪𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙘𝙖𝙠𝙚𝙝𝙤𝙡𝙚

The sound of a choked sob awakes me.

Lazily turning my head to see where the sound came from, I see Alex sitting up, and from what I can tell in the dim lighting, he has his face buried in his hands, and he is distinctly crying. His body is shakily slightly from the sobs.

At first, I'm stuck for what to do. I mean, I have no idea what to do when someone is crying. But then I go for the stupid option and ask, "Are you alright?"

He jumps with a start, and his head snaps round to look at me. His eyes are puffy and slightly red, as if he's been crying for a bit of time. Through the dim lighting, I notice that there are dry steaks of tears on his face along with a few new ones. As he hastily tries to wipe them away to cover up the fact that has been crying, I can see the pain so clearly in his eyes that I can feel my heart clench.

I reach over to the nightstand to retrieve my phone. When I do, I see that it is four a.m. I only fell asleep two hours ago due to the time difference and jet lag, so I'm pretty groggy, but I sit up and switch on the bedside lamp anyway.

He doesn't respond to my question and instead attempts to wipe away more of his tears. He lets out a bitter laugh, one that someone would let out if they were fed up or annoyed. I sit on the edge of my bed and watch him for a few seconds, not sure what I should say next. I've always been bad at comforting people.

"A-are you crying?" I opt for asking, hesitantly. It's a dumb thing to ask when the answer is blinding obvious. I can't comfort people and I never know what to say. Now I'm going to have to comfort Alex of all people.

"No, just allergies," He lies.

I give him a look as if to say do you think I'm that stupid. "I may be failing chemistry, but I'm not that dumb. What's up?" I don't know why I do it, but I slide off my bed and make my way over to his, tentatively sitting next to him.

"You're not dumb at all, Matthew." He says.

"Seriously, what's wrong?"

I can feel the old feeling of concern, the same one that appeared when Alex came out, make a return, and I can't help but think him crying may be to do with that. Whether it's with his friends or maybe he told his dad, and it didn't go to plan, I'm not sure, but it wouldn't be too surprising.

"Promise you won't judge me or make fun of me?" He asks, so I nod. Of course, I'm not going to make fun of him. He coughs. "I, erm, I had a dream about some shitty thing that's happening in my life right now. It's no big deal. I'll be fine."

"It seems to be a big deal if it's making you cry like this. Do you want to talk about it?" I say unsurely.

I still don't know how to act around Alex. I mean, from the sudden civility then what happened at school and under the willow tree. Then the chat on the plane. It's hard to know what to do. However, I intend to be kind. That's seemingly the best option at the moment.

"Not really. I, uh, I— I don't know."

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, I understand," I say, offering a smile, to which he returns, eyes glistening with tears. I think back to my chat with Lucy in my room, so I mirror her words with the hope that it offers some sort of helpful advice. "You should talk about it someday, though. Take it from me. It feels a whole lot better."

He just shrugs, "Yeah." As it's clear he doesn't want to talk about it further and probably just wants to be left alone, I begin to make my way back to my bed. However, he makes me pause when his hand grips my wrist. "Wait. Can you stay with me?" I turn to look at him quizzically, and he begins to blush. "You don't have to I— I just thought I'd feel a bit safer, you know? And now I feel stupid."

Instead of replying to him, I clamber back into his bed. He looks up at me, eyes rimmed red and watery from crying, with such shock, it almost makes me feel stupid too. Then he looks as though he's about to cry again, and my heart lurches for him. So I pull him into a hug, the only way I know of comforting someone, my brain not quite registering my actions until I feel him start to cry into my shoulder.

It's strange to see him cry. I've known him as this tough guy who shows no undermining emotions like sadness. He mainly has a pissed off look on is face around our school, and that only goes when he's laughing about something with his friends. I never thought I'd be seeing him, better yet consoling him, as he cries. And not just cries—sobs.

I slept in his bed next to him that night, holding him until he fell asleep, because he wanted me to, in hopes that I provided some sort of comfort. I ignore any feelings of awkwardness and all past quarrels and rivalry is pushed to the back of my mind as I rub circles on his back and tell him that it's going to be alright, although I'm not quite sure if it is.

I don't know what's causing him such distress, but it's quite clear it's something serious and not just a simple dream. There and then, I make a vow to be here for him as he unquestionably needs a shoulder to cry on, something to offer him support as it's undeniable that he does not have that at the moment, due to what he told me during our time being OK with each other.

I don't care about the fact that, not only a few weeks ago, we hated each other. I can safely say that I'm past that. I honestly don't give a fuck. He's distressed; I'm not going to be a dick and ignore that. I'd be like this with anyone: Luke Maddison, Mason Anderson, Jacob Daniels. I don't care who you are, I'll be here, as long as we're all good with each other, which is what it's like with Alex and I. We're all good now.

I don't know anything that's happened in his life, really, but from the way he is reacting to this dream, I can tell that something is not quite right.

Or maybe I'm just stupid, thinking this about someone so soon, especially after everything that's happened between us. I don't know. I only want to be a nice person right now and make correct decisions. I don't know what to do. I'm just scared. About him. About life. About everything.

Because I'm British and previously lived in England, I am now the designated tour guide for this trip, so it seems. Assigned this role by Mr Thompson, who himself doesn't have a clue what he's doing around London, everyone has been following me around like a cat following a mouse.

As there are two history classes in my grade, around forty students came on this trip. The other twenty history students who didn't come along for whatever reason they have are enjoying their spring break back in America or wherever they may be.

Since we couldn't be lugging around forty kids and six teachers around everywhere, we had split up into two groups of twenty: everyone in my history class in one group, including Cami and Lucy (thank goodness) and the other history class as the second group.

Alex happens to be in the other group, so I don't get to see him until I get back to the hotel. My heart aches to know if he's OK after last night. I'm surprised at how much I care about this one nightmare of his.

As my group are taking the day to explore the British Museum while the other get to see the Tower of London, Cami, Lucy and I find ourselves stood in the Greek section of the museum, gawking at the naked statues of different Gods. We were allowed to split off into groups of at least three and explore the museum ourselves, which felt relieving as having a group of twenty students and three adults on your heel all day was irritating.

"Do you think our God is naked, then? Seeing as these Gods don't know what clothes are," Cami mutters as she stares directly at the statue of Apoxyomenos. We don't get to answer as Cami begins to snicker, "If you look at it at this angle, it looks like he's jerking off."

"Very mature of you, Cami," I say, shaking my head as though I'm a disapproving teacher.

"Shut up. I saw you drooling over the statue of that woman over there with her titties all out, so you can't talk." Cami retorts, causing me to raise my eyebrows. Lucy gives me a small knowing smile only I would catch on to, so I shoot her a smirk along with a slight eye roll.

I'm so glad I told her about my questioning that night because, even though we're not that close, it's nice to have a friend I can now joke about it with from time to time.

"I wasn't drooling over it. I was just looking. That's what the statues are there for, for looking at." I snap back, though Cami just looks at me as if to say yeah, right. If only I were comfortable enough to tell her that I think I'm gay. But I can risk it just yet. Someday, though. Someday.

"Did you know," Lucy begins, "Nakedness, in Greece, was not seen as shame but as heroic, as can be seen in the legacy left behind by ancient Greek statues? By creating naked statues, they were breaking a large taboo."

"I did not know that," I reply as we begin to wander away from the statue Cami seems to be engrossed in gaping at for the time being. I take a seat on one of the wooden benches that dot around the room and Lucy joins me.

"So, any updates with the whole Alex thing?"

"Yeah, actually, there kind of is. We talked on the plane." I answer. Her eyebrows shoot upwards, and she leans forward. "Don't get too excited, I didn't reveal any feelings for him or anything. I just told him about my theory as to why he kissed me and oh my God, the look on his face. It wasn't a whole big plan to out me, and he told me he likes me. Like romantically, which is a bit weird but I can work with it, I think. And I guess I don't fully trust him or anything yet, but I do believe him, and I'm willing to be his friend. Like, not just civil, full-on friends. So yeah, that's it."

"Wait," Lucy says, looking at me dubiously. "That's great and all, really, but why would he have treated you like that if he liked you?"

"His reputation, mostly, and peer pressure. All that stuff," I say. I'm half guessing, half basing my answer off what he's told me himself.

"Peer pressure makes no sense to me. Like, why would you want to pressure someone into bullying another person?"

"Hm."

He is to blame for his actions for apparent reasons, but at the same time, he's not in some ways. Peer pressure can be harsh. I've experienced a small amount, like every other teenager, but I don't know what it's like being heavily pressured and from what I know about Alex's situation, that's what he's going through. I can't judge him on something I don't relate to or have never experienced.

Lucy jumps up and outstretches her hand, to which I take, and she leads me to yet another statue of a naked man. We laugh at how small the penises are on the figures, and just like that, the conversation is over. We don't talk about for the rest of our time here.

Our group rejoins in the food hall part of the museum for lunch, but after finding out how overly priced the food and drinks are, we are set free to go and eat wherever we please as long as it isn't too far from the museum. We were to go back in after eating as we've hardly covered any of it. It's so big!

Lucy, Cami and I agree on going to the Gourmet Burger Kitchen to eat and, to my absolute despair, so does Lexi Taylor along with her group of friends. They just so happen to decide to sit at the table right next to ours.

Lexi greets Cami as she sits down but says nothing to me. Instead, she stares at me with a completely unreadable expression. I put it to her being annoyed at me for fleeing the room before we could have sex. I'm glad I did, now that I think about it. Judging by what she's like, she'd most likely add me to a list of guys she's had sex with, in her lifetime. I'd be an object in some sort of sexual competition or game, no doubt.

Her friends giggle behind their menus then turn to look at me, one of them even winking flirtatiously. I take it they haven't heard what happened in real life and instead thinks Lexi and I enjoyed a night of passionate sex. I don't understand why she feels the need to lie, but it's happened now, and I'm going to have to deal with it. It's not a bad rumour anyway.

I ignore them and try not to take a glance at them, though I can still see that Lexi is hardcore trying to burn a hole through my head with her eyes out of the corner of my eye.

As I get up to order at the bar, which my anxiety is screaming at me not to do thus I am telling it to fuck off, I almost groan aloud as Lexi stands up with me, letting her friends know that she is going to order too.

She purposely walks slower than me, and before we can reach the bar, she speeds up, grabbing my wrist once she catches up with me. Letting out a yelp of protest, she tugs me into the corridor leading towards the toilets.

"Keep your slutty hands off of Alex," She spits at me without warning, making me jump in surprise at her venom. Only a few days prior, she was trying to shag me, but now, suddenly, she's got feeling for Alex? Was I a plan to make him jealous or something?

"Excuse me, what?"

"I said keep your slutty hands off of Alex and stop trying to turn him gay for your pleasure. You need to get it into your thick skull that not everyone is a fag like you." She whispers harshly.

I don't have any clue to why she would think I'm gay, I haven't told anyone except Lucy and my sister, and I'm 99% sure neither of them would have told her. I don't make it visible either. Or maybe I do? A stab of nervousness appears in my stomach.

I rack my mind to think of any reason as to why she would think I'm trying to turn Alex gay, but absolutely nothing comes to mind. I don't talk to Alex at school except on the odd occasion by our lockers. Maybe she saw me drive to his house and assumed we're hooking up? I don't know, but the more I think about it, the more my anxiety spikes.

"Excuse me?" I repeat. "What makes you think I'm trying to turn him gay?"

"I heard you and him talking on the plane. I heard it when he told you why he kissed you and that he liked you. Are you that sick in your mind to brainwash straight guys into, what, having sex with you? He's not a toy, you know."

Damn. I knew talking about this openly on the plane would come back to bite me on the ass.

"OK, what are you talking about? I'm not trying to brainwash anyone into having sex with me."

"Oh, come off it, Jenkins—"

"First of all, shut your cakehole, Taylor." Someone says from behind me. Lexi looks over my shoulder, and her eyes widen, dumbfounded. I turn to see who it is who decided to butt in and I soon realise why Lexi looks so stupefied.

It's Lucy. She has crossed her arms over her chest, and her eyes brows raise. Everyone knows Lucy as this shy, new girl who doesn't talk. I think Cami and I are the only people in the school who has had a full conversation with her. And here she is, telling the most popular girl in school to shut her cakehole.

"Secondly, what makes you think you can decide someone's sexuality for them? Alex is bisexual. I'm very sure you already know that—everyone does. Therefore, it is possible for him to like Matty or any guy he may catch feelings for," Lucy continues.

Lexi opens her mouth to argue back but she is silenced. "I'm not done talking. Just because you're a homophobic bitch does not mean you can declare whatever guy you want as straight just because you're horny for them. And just because you are bitter that Matt didn't go through with sleeping with you does not give you the right to spread rumours about him and to accuse him of brainwashing straight guys into having sex with him. I don't really know you but I've heard about you and by God, you are so fake."

Lexi narrows her eyes, "I think I would know if my boyfriend was attracted to guys, thanks," She says sarcastically. I almost choke on air. Boyfriend? Fucking boyfriend? She must be joking. Her attention switches on me. "I know what you're thinking, but no, I'm not bitchy enough to out you or whatever, but if you even think about going near Alex ever again, I swear to God I will ruin you."

Lucy lets out a fake laugh, "You won't out him, but you would still call him the f-slur? Good try on wanting to seem less homophobic. It didn't work, by the way. You're still disgusting."

"Whatever, Asia. Remember what I said, Jenkins, or you will regret it." She gives me the most sickly sweet, fake smile anyone could muster before strutting off, making sure to get her hair in my face as she flicks it. My palm begins to sting as I clench my fist.

"Racist piece of raccoon poop," Lucy says through gritted teeth.

I feel like I am going to self-combust from confusion and frustration.

Lucy must notice as she pulls me into a hug. She offers me a smile as she lets go of me. "Don't listen to what she says, OK? And with the Alex being her boyfriend crap, it's obvious that's bullshit. I have never seen them together except when they sit on the same table at lunch, but he never talks to her then anyway. She's just trying to make you jealous. First, it was you sleeping with her, and now this. She's the queen of rumours."

"Yeah. I— I don't know."

"Look, don't be quick to believe what she says. If you want to know, ask Alex. If it does turn out to be true and they are an item, then I will kick his butt, but I doubt it is true."

I nod slowly. Do I like Alex? Romantically? Is this what it feels like to have feelings for someone? The jealously, the dig when she Lexi said he was her boyfriend. The tensing, being flustered, blushing, getting hot around the collar. There are so many signs, but can I have feelings for someone like Alex? When the fuck did this happen?

All the anxious thoughts and questions make me feel so tired, and I feel a strong urge to crawl into bed and stay there for the rest of the day. And I can't breathe properly. And I'm just so fucking confused. I don't want to deal with it right now. I don't even know why I'm making this such a big deal out of this.

"I wanted to tell you I changed my mind on my order, by the way. That's why I heard what she said to you. I wasn't trying to be nosy," Lucy says randomly, snapping me out of my thoughts. "Hey, you're going to be OK, you know that, right?"

I try to smile at her in response. I can't agree with her at the moment, but I pray that she is right. I don't want to be so confused for once. I just want everything to be alright.