𝘼𝙣 𝙞𝙢𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙩𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙡𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙤𝙣 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙩

Alex and I arrive home to the noise of my mother shouting in Italian. I can't tell who she's shouting at, but it's coming from the kitchen, and she sounds mad.

Eva exits the kitchen with her arms around a big tub of popcorn, looking somewhat dazed. As she grabs a handful and shoves it into her mouth, some of the pieces falling to the floor, she looks up and sees me as I stand there, nonplussed. Alex is busy taking his shoes off behind me.

"Yeah, they're arguing about you." My little sister says before I can ask her myself. I follow her, grabbing Alex's hand first and pulling him along with me, as she makes her way into the living room and plops down onto the couch, crossing her legs.

"Who's they?" I ask, placing myself onto Alex's lap once he's sat down in dad's armchair. His arms automatically go around my waist, holding me to him.

"Mum and Luca."

My eyebrows raise, "Oh, wow. He's home for once at this time of day."

"That's what started it. Mum is fed up of him being out of the house all the time so she confronted him about it when he got home, and then it escalated to be about you and Sofia, and how you both need support from family right now, and that if Luca is out the house, he's unable to show support or whatever. They tried to drag me into it but I was having none of it so I left with my popcorn. Although, I do have to agree with mamma. I know you're both having a hard time." She explains.

I smile appreciatively because now I can say that she's not so correct. Sure, the whole Cami thing is pissing me off and the thought of coming out to her plagues me everyday, especially now she's suddenly saying all these things about Alex being bisexual, and just insensitive things in general. However, I'm not having such a hard time anymore, and that's because I have Alex here with me. The more our relationship progresses, the more I feel comfortable and less nervous about things.

"I mean, I'm not having a hard time so much anymore." I respond, squeezing Alex's hand as a way to communicate what I'm thinking. He kisses my shoulder in acknowledgement, and I can feel his smile as he does so.

"Yeah, but you know what I mean." Eva says, pausing to shove another handful of popcorn into her mouth, speaking with her mouth full. "You weren't before and he wasn't there for you. He actually laughed about you and Alex if I recall correctly."

I shrug, "Yeah, well, that's Luca."

"Hold on, I think the shouting has stopped." She pauses, turning her head towards the direction of the door to listen out for anymore noise. "OK, the kitchen seems safe. I'm gonna go get some chocolate as this popcorn is definitely not enough. You want some?"

I shake my head, "No, thanks. Don't eat too much before dinner."

"I could eat a whole horse and I would still be hungry. I think I'm fine." She says, her arm still protectively holding her popcorn. Rolling her eyes, she exits the living room for the kitchen, and as soon as she does, Alex's lips are on my neck, softly kissing me. It makes me giggle. A lot of things about the boy makes me giggle.

I turn so that my legs are across his lap, and I capture my lips with his. His lips are always so soft, and his breath minty regardless of the fact that he still smokes—he's yet to fully give that up, but I do understand that it takes time. The taste of tobacco on his tongue is bitter yet so familiar.

My hands go to rest either side of his face, where I can feel the roughness of his stubble on my palms. His hands are still on my waist, and our lips dance in perfect symphony.

I pull my mouth away from his before things can get too hot and heavy, in fear of someone walking in on us practically getting it on. Although I would be enjoying it, I don't think that's something that my family wants to see.

I peck his lips one more time before saying, "You wanna go upstairs and make out, and maybe, you know, I'll do more?"

I give him a jokey suggestive look, ignoring the fact that we should be spending time studying for our final exams, and his iconic smirk falls upon his features, "Can't say no to that."

Suddenly, a cushion is being thrown in our direction, hitting me directly on this head, and the unmistakable voice of Sofia exclaims, Ew, you horny bastards! Get a room!"

I give her an unimpressed look, to which she gives me one back. I pick up the cushion, stopping myself before I throw it back at her with respect to her pregnancy, and toss it onto the sofa instead, "We did have a room before you barged in."

"A room with a lock, you insatiable boys." She says, letting out an exasperated sigh and rubbing her belly, which has seemed to have blown up in size. She's already in month six of her pregnancy, and I can hardly believe that it's been three months since she told me about it.

With regard to her wishes, and to find my boyfriend and I some privacy for ourselves, I hop off Alex and pull him with me. "You're the pregnant one. I am baby free." I say as we reach the door, tapping my belly for effect. She kicks me in the ankle. "Ow! If you weren't with child, I would kick you back."

"My swollen ankles would have softened the blow anyway." She calls as we leave the room.

We're in my room, on my bed and making out in no time, our tie and blazers off and slung over the back of my chair. I'm straddling him, which I kind of different for me vis-à-vis making out, sexual touching situations due to Alex being quite dominant. That has not surprised me one bit.

Since we last did anything properly sexual, when I gave head for the first time in my life, we've been having more making out, sexual touching sessions, yet never much more. I have wanted to, but I've been too nervous to make a move. I know we won't be having full sex until after I tell him that I love him, but I think now I want to try head again.

Practice makes perfect, right? I want Alex to be blown away, excuse the pun, by me at some point in our lives.

As we kiss, my hands trail down his abdomen until it reaches his belt. I shuffle backwards, and this seems to notify Alex about what I'm doing. I give him a look as a way of asking permission, and he nods.

"Do you like giving head or do you only want to do it for my benefit?" Alex asks, his arms tucked behind his head as he makes himself comfortable.

I freeze, looking up at him questioningly, and I don't answer. I thought the answer to this was apparent from how I reacted last time. Maybe he's letting his ego get in the way, I'm not sure. I can't tell what tone he's asking this in and it causes a pang of anxiety to appear in my chest.

He seems to take in my expression and start to explain himself after quietly clearing his throat, "I'm only asking because I want to make sure that anything sexual you do with me is something that you're comfortable with doing. I don't want you to force yourself to do things that you don't enjoy. That's why I'm asking. I just want to be sure."

I grin with relief and lean over to press a kiss to his lips before replying, "I know I liked doing it, so you don't need to worry. I would never force myself to do something that I don't enjoy. That doesn't seem fair to myself. I'll be sure to tell you if I'm not comfortable with anything we're doing."

He looks reassured by my words, and my anxious feelings are replaced by delectation.

This is what I mean when I say I'm grateful for having a boyfriend who cares. The fact that he's consoled when I assure him about my feelings during sexual situation makes me feel so safe. He's not selfish like people who hardly know him assumes he is. I have the privilege to have got to know and fall in love with someone so great for me, no matter what happened in our past. When I say that I love him, though not to him just yet, I truly mean it.

"May I continue?" I request, and he gives me the go ahead. Before anything can get so far, however, someone knocks on my bedroom door. Damn my family and situations like these. I give Alex an apologetic look and begrudgingly get off him. "Come in!"

To my absolute surprise, Luca is at the door. He gives me an unsure smile, his eyes flickering over to Alex, "Can I speak to my brother alone? Please."

He says please so quietly, it's like he's not used to saying it; like it's a stranger to his tongue. My boyfriend does a quick nod, and then he's up and out the room. Once he's gone, Luca walks further into my room and his mouth drops open as he looks around.

"Holy shit. Your room. I—wow." Luca almost gasps, his hand brushing over the wall which I paint on, then he's gaping at the other wall where my artwork is stuck onto. He spins round to face me, where I'm still sat on my bed, "Jeez, it's been years since I've been up here. I never realised how much you changed it. The walls—this must have taken ages."

I shrug, because even though Alex has given me more confidence than I could have ever imagined getting from a relationship, I still don't know how to take compliments, especially from people who I hardly speak to.

"Yeah, it did. I—what are you—um, what did you want to talk about with me?"

I hastily realise that I don't know how to talk to my own brother. The feeling of starting a conversation with someone you've only ever spoken too a small amount of times—that's what I'm feeling right now. It's disheartening.

He sits down on my chair, "I want to apologise to you."

"What for?" I ask.

It's been a while since we've had an argument, and if he's here to apologise for that because he never actually did in spite of the fact that he started it, it's a tad overdue. Otherwise, I can't think of anything he needs to apologise to me for. We don't talk.

"For the fact that we hardly ever speak to each other. I know we don't have a lot in common, but that's not really an excuse. I did notice the times where you tried, and I purposely dismissed it because, I don't know, I don't do well with family stuff. I don't feel as though I have a bond with any of you, so I feel separated, and it's kind of awkward for me. That's why I'm hardly ever home. It's my way of escaping, and I just—I'm sorry."

For once, everything makes sense now. The same feeling I felt when I found out why Alex acted the way he did reappears. I've never known why Luca is constantly out the house, howbeit I never cared enough to ask. But now I know—it's weird, owing to the fact that I don't understand it. I don't understand how he doesn't have a connection with our family. Alex's situation is one that I do understand. This, I don't.

I pick at my pillow. Whilst I have an explanation to why he's out the house, I still feel awkward. I don't know what's caused the disconnection from us, or why he hasn't tried to fix it. Rather, he escaped doing so.

"Yeah. I guess it does suck a bit. I, um—it's been so long since we properly spoke." I let out a nervous laugh.

"Thinking about it, I realise how much it sucks that we never talk to each other. I honestly can't think of the last time we had a proper conversation." He utters, and neither can I.

It's heartbreaking because we're brothers. We should be able to think of a time when we last spoke, and that time should be recently. Even if we're not close, we should still be able to find things to talk about. But we don't. We never have all our lives. It's unorthodox.

"It's OK, really. I always knew there was a lack of bond, I just didn't know you felt separated. That actually...makes me feel bad. I'm sorry you feel like that. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like that."

I never thought I would feel bad about it because I tried and he didn't, but the thought of feeling like you aren't truly part of your family seems isolating. I know what it's like to feel isolated, even if it is for a different reason. I don't want anyone to feel that way. I definitely don't want my family members to feel that way. I love my brother irrespective of our differences and lack of communication.

"No, it's not you. It's me. I'm not like any of you guys. I don't make an effort, anyway. I run out of the house as soon as breakfast is over and I'm back for dinner. Some days, I'm out again, or don't even come home for dinner. If I am home, I'm in my room. I've never actively tried to make a bond. To be honest, I don't know how. It's been too long." He says and I can practically see his desperation at wanting me to understand. He looks unnerved.

"I suppose, now that you've said it out loud, you can begin to try. I can't really tell you how as I've always felt a bond with everyone else, except maybe dad—that seems to be slipping. But, yeah, anyway...there's no harm in trying. I know you have different views than us—"

"Despite what you may think, I don't. I joke about things but that's just my humour. It doesn't mean that I'm against these things. I'm a teenager. I say things that teenagers tend to say, but it doesn't mean I agree."

I cringe at this. I know he's trying to explain why he does what he does, but I don't think that being a teenager is a valid enough excuse. At least, not mature teenagers. I guess he's not a mature teenager in that case.

"I know you don't joke about that stuff, but that's because you understand what it's like to be the person that is joked about." He says, seemingly reading my mind. His gazes is resting on his hands, which he's placed onto his lap, and he's shrugging.

I'm momentarily nonplussed at this, "You know." It comes out more of a question than a statement. Having said that, I don't really have a right to be confused or surprised.

"Of course I know. You and Alex really aren't discreet. I thought you weren't planning on telling me, like, you were waiting for me to catch on or something. Sorry if you were going to tell me. I don't mean to take that away from you." He apologises, and I can't help but smile slightly at this.

"No, that is what I was doing. Hearing you say it, though—it's just different. Now I definitely know that you know. I was never fully sure."

While only really occurring at dinner time, being in a room with Alex and Luca has habitually been uncomfortable, ever since the day Alex moved in.

Once I was out and proud to my dad, Alex and I weren't the type of couple to hold back from holding each other or innocently kissing because of who was in the room, but when it came to Luca, it just felt weird as we were consistently on edge about the fact that he may start laughing at us or say homophobic things. That's why we never kissed around him like we're fine with doing around everyone else.

"You know, as mum was yelling at me, she gave me an important life lesson."  My brother begins. "She made me realise how much of a shitty brother I am, and I don't mean with the hardly ever speaking to you bit. She reminded me that lot of the things that you do have more consequences than you expect, and it's entirely up to you to realise that. While I'm not home, trying to escape from bonding with my family, I haven't been able to show any support to you about coming out and the whole Alex thing. And I agree. I haven't show any support at all and I, instead, laughed when I saw you and him being close. You know, like, hugging and shit. I just want to say that I'm sorry for that as well. I make jokes about this sort of stuff, that's just who I am, but know that it doesn't mean I don't accept you. I do. You're my brother, I love you, man. I always have, I just never said it until now."

This is the first time he has ever told me that he loves me, and it's so alien to hear. It shouldn't be, as we're family, but at least it's being said now. I swallow down the lump in my throat.

"Thank you. It really does mean a lot to hear you say that. I love you, too." I say.

I stay right where I am and opt for simply smiling at him gratefully, because I'm not sure he's going to want any affection from me like hugging. We've never really hugged before anyway, so I'm only saving myself from the awkwardness.

"I'm actually in awe of how brave you are—about how brave people like you are. The strength I have will never amount to the strength you have. I'm proud of you." He says, concluding our conversation with that as he stands up and makes his way towards the door.

"I have a question." I blurt out, and he pauses, turning back to me.

"Hit me."

"When you're not home, where are you?" I question.

I mean, I've wanted to know since forever, but alike the disconnection from family thing, I've never cared enough to ask Luca about it. Now is my chance, so I take it. I don't know when the next time we'll have a proper conversation again will be. Us talking about this doesn't necessarily mean he's going to change his ways and stay home all the time.

"Either hanging with friends or my girlfriend." Is his answer.

And it's things like this that we miss out on due to our lack of closeness. He has a girlfriend, and I had no idea about it. What else don't I know? He has children with this girl. He's not actually eighteen years old. He doesn't go to my school, because I sure as Hell don't see him in the hallways. The thought that we know hardly anything about each other dispirits me.

"You have a girlfriend? What's her name? How long have you been dating?" I question.

"Esme, and three months." He returns, and I don't miss the small smile that appears on his face. It's sweet. I have the same reaction when I'm talking about Alex, and I hope Alex does too when talking about me.

I recognise the name, though. Not being able to remember how I know it silently infuriates me. And then I suddenly remember. I met her at the B.P.A.C. She called me Alex's new slut. She's my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend.

Oh my goodness, my brother is going out with my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. Family gatherings are going to be seriously awkward.

Just to make sure I'm thinking of the correct girl, I ask, "What's her surname?"

Luca gives me a questioning look, "Gordon. Why?"

Bingo. "Oh, I—I've met her before. She's Alex's ex." I let him know. There's no point in dodging the truth. He deserves to know before the incredibly tension filled, stressful Christmases happen.

"Oh." He says, looking fleetingly confused. "Did they end on good terms?"

I shake my head, "Not exactly."

"Right. Then I'll make sure she's not around when Alex is. Anyway, I need to go and have a similar conversation with Sofia." Luca proposes, and then he's out the door and I'm left on my own.

I have no idea what to think of this. I am happy that we've finally discussed this issue, and hopefully this means we're going be talking to each other more, but has anything been sorted out, realistically. He's apologised, sure, but didn't say anything about fixing this or being home more often, or even why he feels disconnected from us. I just don't know what's going to happen, and for once in my life, I'm aching to know what's going on inside his head.