• Chapter fifty-one: Do it for me

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𝘿𝙤 𝙞𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙢𝙚

It's been two days since the prom and being out to everyone, apart from my family who do not live in America, is incredibly refreshing.

I am no long nervous while holding Alex's hand as we walk around anywhere within a twenty mile radius of our school. If someone from our school sees us, my heart doesn't start pounding, breath hitching as I snatch my hand away. Now, I tighten my hold on my boyfriend's hand. confidence booming in me without fear in my mind. I think nothing of it anymore.

Alex decided to commemorate us coming out as a couple to the school by posting a picture of us on Instagram. I did the same. We received a lot of supportive comments and dms, and by that I mean a lot. People who I don't know and even go to a different school reminded us of their support. As Alex has a lot of followers, my follower count also increased. It feels weird, the attention, not knowing whether or not their words of support are genuine of just to look like a good person; them making snarky comments towards queer people in private or not saying a word when their boyfriends spit slurs at a gay couple. I'm grateful nonetheless, I guess.

We're currently sat in my car after shopping for paint at Home Depot while Chloe is at the apartment with Sofia and Eva.

Even though we did hold hands in there, Alex has seemed off since breakfast and I can tell he's annoyed or pissed off or agitated, although I can't specifically put my finger on it. I'm nervous it's about me. I haven't done anything wrong to my knowledge, but maybe he did something or said something I shouldn't have without knowing.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

Alex is slightly slumped in his seat, his eyes fixed on something out the window. He shakes his head as he mumbles out, "Nothing, I'm fine."

My heart rate is stupidly high. He has a lot to be pissed off about, so assuming that it's about me isn't the best way to go, but I can't help it. I'm scared of anything happening between us, and I'm not sure how I'd handle it if we had a fight. I'd probably have a breakdown.

"No, you're not. You seem pissed off. Tell me what's wrong," I say, placing a hand on his leg. This causes him to look at me. "Please."

Alex sighs, "You're right, I am pissed off."

Called it. Oh no. I will my hands to stop sweaty. This is the only time I've ever not known why he's pissed off. If it's about me...that's scary.

"At me?" I question.

My boyfriend sits up at this and takes ahold of the hand I had rested on his leg. "No, of course not, baby," He assures me, and I let out a breath. For Chrissake, anxiety. You can go away now. "Just some stuff people have said." He continues.

The feeling of concern floods through me, "Who? What did they say?"

Alex lets out a small cough, "Just some people who keep saying that they don't believe that I'm bi 'cause I'm too straight passing, and that I'm using you, and it's really pissing me off 'cause they don't know anything."

This makes me feel sad because I know how much he has struggled, and I find myself frowning, "Oh, love—"

Then he seems to crack.

"They have no idea how hard it was to come out. Like, I know I did it so nonchalantly, but still, I was terrified. Then my dad kicking me out for it, and me being in love with you, only to be told that people don't think my love is authentic. It just fucks with me because I really do love you and I'm very sure of my sexuality. I mean, if I'm not bi then I'd be gay. I'm definitely not straight and," He lets out a sound of frustration. "why can't people just fucking believe me?"

"People have been telling me to be weary of you and I ignore them because I know I don't need to be. I'm pretty sure that they're the same people that have been messaging you. You know your sexuality and that our love is authentic, so you shouldn't give a crap about what others think. This is our relationship. What matters is what we think of each other. Those people don't know shit, alright? I know you get riled up about things but try not to let it get to you," I tell him. I run my fingers through his hair because he likes it when I do that. "Is there anything else bothering you?"

"Just my mom," He lets me know. He's been depressed about his mother ever since she blocked him, which was nine days ago.

I say depressed and not just sad because I genuinely think he has some sort of depression about all of this. He's bound to. The people who were supposed to love him more than anything were the ones that hurt him the most. Abused him. Made his heart break constantly without allowing him to heal it. I'm not sure it will ever be fully healed.

I still don't understand why Mrs Montgomery blocked her son and my own mother has tried to get into contact with her, but nothing has come from it. She's completely retreated away and no one knows where or who with. We can only hope that she is somewhere safe.

"I think you should see a counsellor about your parent situation," I say truthfully as I put my keys in the ignition.

Therapy helped me until my parents couldn't afford it anymore, so I'm sure counselling would help Alex. He needs the help and he's not getting it. The police have offered him victim counselling but he refused and I really don't think he should have.

Of course I don't want to pressure him into doing anything that he's not comfortable with, but I think that he should at least attend two sessions just to see if he likes it because he won't know until he tries. If he doesn't like it or it doesn't help, he can stop and I will always support him through that. I'll still support him if he continues to say no.

Alex's gaze is back on something beside him out of the window, "No, I don't think so."

"You're obviously struggling. I want to help you, but I'm not properly qualified enough to do so, no matter how much I love you. You need the help, and I want you to feel alright. Just one session to see if it's for you."

He looks down at his lap and sucks in a breath. He looks entirely dejected and it makes me feel dejected myself. I hate it seeing him like this. "I'm supposed to be strong."

"Seeing a counsellor doesn't make you weak," I say. I take no offence to what he said, yet to prove a point, I still add, "Are you saying I'm not strong because I went to therapy?"

"No, angel, you're so strong. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that," He's quick to assure me, taking my hand in his again and kissing the back of it.

"Asking for help is something that takes a considerable about of strength. It took me so long to even tell someone how I was feeling. You're halfway there. If you want, I'll come with you and I'll sit in the waiting room, or I'll even come in the room with you, it's up to you. But just know that I will be here, OK? If not for you, do it for me. Please."

Alex nods curtly, "OK."

I smile, "OK?"

"OK."

Alex leans across to me, gives me a kiss, and then pulls me into his embrace, "I love you."

"I love you."

"Thank you for caring," He says. The fact that he thanks me every time I show that I care about him because he's not used to being cared for is sad. I'm his boyfriend. Caring is not a luxury in a relationship, it's an expectation, and he doesn't see that.

I kiss his temple, straighten up, and start the car.

When we're at the apartment complex, Eva comes down to the car park to help us bring the tins of paint up. Sofia stays in Alex's apartment with Chloe.

Soon, all of the tins of paint are in the apartment, and we get to work straight away after covering the couches in protective plastic, all of us dressed in old clothes, baggy shirts slipping off our shoulders and the slight smell of dust clinging to them, which we don't mind getting dirty.

We start with painting the living room area as Chloe plays in her new room, which is still empty yet safe enough for her be in, Sofia watching over her. Alex didn't want Sofia to have to be stood up too long, and Chloe needed to be supervised anyway.

It's only around 11 a.m., so we have all day to do this. The plan is to do the first layer of paint in the living area, move onto Alex's bedroom and apply the first layer of paint in there, go back to the living from and do the second coat, et certera. Eva and I tackle the wall by the door, while Alex does the bit next to the kitchen which is where he will be putting his dining table, in case my family ever wants to come around for dinner one day.

We're painting the living space a yellow colour to make it look more cosy. Alex thinks the white is too cold and makes the place look more empty as it's only him that's going to be living in here, to which I agree, albeit I'm sure I'm going to spend a lot of my time here.

The sound of our paint brushes against the rough walls, music playing from my bluetooth speaker, which I brought from home, and Alex's euphonious voice singing along breaks the silence of the room. No one speaks, fully focussed on our task at hand, except for when Alex decides to squeeze my butt, so I thwack his chest and whisper, "Cheeky! My little sister is right there!"

Alex just laughs and attacks my face with kisses. Eva fake gags and tells us to get a room or stop, or else she'll throw paint over us.

It's not until 1 p.m. and we're starting to paint Alex's room, transforming the walls from white to grey, when Kenzie, Jake and Lucy message on the group chat, which Alex is now on and Camilla is now off, asking if they came come over and help, along with the promise of bringing food too. The more people helping, the quicker we'll be done, so Alex agrees.

It's not long until they arrive with bags of mexican food. Sofia and Chloe join us as we sit on the floor, in a circle, to eat.

Right away, I notice how friendly Sofia and Kenzie seem with each other as they start chatting as soon as they see one another, and it's weird to think that they know each other because I'm not sure how they do. Kenzie has been at my house before so I assume they talked when I wasn't in the room.

It's like the Sofia and Camilla situation all over again, when I noticed them being all secretive together a few months ago, speaking in hushed voices, silent stolen glances and nervous smiles, and Camilla's bracelet ended up in my sister's room. I never got to figure out why that was because it abruptly stopped and never started up again.

They're not the only ones who seem friendly together. While Lucy and Jake haven't confirmed any relationship, the rest of us have our suspicions. They're sitting a bit too close to one another to be just friends, and I swear I see their pinkies touch purposely.

"Daddy!" Chloe babbles as she toddles over to Alex from where Kenzie is helping Sofia sit down comfortably, beaming widely.

"Hi, precious," Alex greets as, his arms open wide. The little girl plops herself on her father's lap, and his arms go around her, cuddling her to him. Alex kisses the top of her head, to which Chloe squeals gleefully. My heart has a mini explosion.

"If you don't mind me asking; how are you affording living on your own? Who's money is going into the bills and stuff?" Eva asks before taking a bite of her burrito.

"Mine and my aunt's money," Alex responds, picking at his food instead of eating it. I look at him and sigh. His mood still seems deflated from this morning, and I don't think it's about the biphobia at the moment. His mother's actions have really fucked with him.

Alex's face falls into a genuine smile when Chloe starts to babble nonsensically, and I find myself smiling too. To shush her a bit, Alex gives her some food to focus on.

"How are you so wealthy?" My sorella minore pries. I almost give her a scolding, but Sofia is already on hand with that. Alex brushes it off, saying that it's fine for her to ask.

"I think a great or a great great grandad of mine invented something, but I'm not too sure. I never asked and was never told."

"Oh, OK," Eva mutters.

I never even questioned where his family got all the money from in our time dating, but I guess I never really cared because I see more than wealth when it comes to Alex. I see who he is as a person. His money is not important. He could be completely poor, and while things would be different in terms of his situation, I'd love him all the same.

"Sofia, how's your baby?" Lucy asks sweetly, changing the subject.

Sofia beams, her hand automatically resting on her bump, "Very healthy and kicking like crazy recently." Lucy visibly coos at this.

"Do you know the gender?" Jake questions.

Sofia shakes her head, "I don't want to know until it's born."

"Do you have any names for each gender?"

"Yes, I've got two full names."

"Ooh, what are they?" Lucy says excitedly.

"I want it to be a surprise," Sofia responds, and then she's looking right at me. She quickly snaps her gaze to the burrito in her hand when I look back at her. She seems apprehensive. I can't blame her.

"Oh, right." Lucy frowns. "Anyway, are you nervous about giving birth? I know I would be. It seems terrifying."

Sofia is getting fidgety now and it's clear that she's uncomfortable, her cheeks turning pink. I look at Alex. At the same time, he gives me the same look. Kenzie seems to notice because her hand comes to rest on my sister's back in a way to try and comfort her.

"Yes, a bit. But my mum will be there and the doctors will know what they're doing, so I know I'm going to be fine."

"Is the father not going to be there?"

"I think we should stop with all the questions now. You're only going to make her more nervous," Alex's butts in, giving Sofia a reassuring smile. She only looks relieved at this, and gives him a look which translates to 'thank you for doing that'.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to pry," Lucy apologises. "Are you OK? I'm really sorry." Sofia just smiles and nods before clearing her throat slightly, clearly with nerves, and focusing on her food.

Sofia knew who the father is before I confronted her with the jumper yesterday and told her that Luke Maddison gave it to me.

She told me that wasn't lying when she said she didn't know who the father is when I first asked her. She found out who he is recently when she walked past the house she had ran out of and saw Luke walk out. He was wearing a tank top and on his shoulder blade was a distinct tattoo that she remembers seeing on the guy she woke up next to.

She never spoke to him about the pregnancy and still hasn't. Alex and I have both tried to encourage her to do so but she's scared. I do understand that, of course she's scared, but it's his kid too. He deserves to know. Alex is adamant that she has to tell him soon, definitely before the baby is born.

When everyone has quietened down and is silently eating, I take it as an opportunity to look around at what we've done so far and...oh, fuck.

It's stupid, but I keep blushing every time I look at the sofa Alex and I had sex on. It's like an automatic reaction. Look at sofa, cheeks go pink. That day, my confidence grew so much, only to be knocked down again the next by someone who was supposed to be my best friend. Alex and I have had sex once more since then, on prom night, but I can't help hearing the voice of Camilla calling me a whore echo in my mind anytime I get cosy with him.

I brush it off and tell myself that I'm being dense. I like having sex, much more than like, and Alex is my boyfriend, so I shouldn't be too worried about what others think of me. It's just hard not to be, especially when the words came from someone who I thought of as a best friend.

Alex grabs my hand when he notices my change in mood.

We're done with the first layer of paint in Alex's room and are about to do the second layer in the living room area when Alex pulls me aside.

"I hope you don't mind but I got your mom to drop off some of your art supplies because I would really like it if you painted something in Chloe's room. She's really into a Winnie the Pooh at the moment, so maybe paint a big piglet or something on the wall while we continue with everything else. I just thought it would be nice, you know."

"Yeah, of course I will, that's really sweet." I say calmly, all the while having a mini freak out inside. My mum went into my room which means she could have seen the condom in my bin. I don't remember if I emptied the bin after mine and Alex's love making session. Oh bloody shit, that probably means I didn't.

Why didn't I?

"Great, thank you, baby. I left the stuff in the room. I can put Chloe in the spare room if you don't want any disruptions 'cause I know how you like to be completely focussed."

"No, it's fine. I'll have my headphones on anyway."

"OK. Thank you again." Alex kisses me before I leave the room and go into Chloe's room.

I greet my sister, who points towards the art supplies which are in a reusable plastic bag. She then gets up, takes a babbling Chloe by the hand, and leaves the room.

Looking inside of the bag, I see that my mother went out of her way to bring over more than what I would need. Before I take anything out, though, I go onto my phone and look up Winnie the Pooh wall designs for inspiration. I quickly spot one that I think would look nice, put on my headphones, and thus begin.

I enjoy this very much because there is a special place in my heart for art. It's my escape. Alex is too, and I'm so grateful to have found both passions. Two very different passions with the same calming effect. Although I do take exactly two pills every morning when I wake up, Alex always makes sure of that, I think of my two passions as my medicine.

I know that relying on someone isn't the best way to go, and I remind myself of that, but it's so hard to not fear losing Alex so much because he has taught me so much. Confidence, loyalty, love, attentiveness, care, and the list goes on and on. He's not my complete path to being OK, but the journey won't be finished without him. He's my safekeeping and my home to go to. My troublemaker rival. The love of my life.

And here I go again. I think of Alex and I can never stop. Everything rounds back to him. If I ever do lose him, I will be able to go on, I will crack and I will stumble, I will struggle, but I'll get there, with a long healing process. But I will be thankful, and I will never ever forget.

But all that stuff doesn't matter. Whether we stay together forever or break up doesn't matter. All that matters is that we love each other right now. All that matters is that I'm crazy about him and he will forever occupy a special place in my heart.

I stay here for a while. I know it's been a while because my back is in need of a special Alex massage and my hand is cramping. It's still light outside, so I assume it's still afternoon. Late afternoon, most likely. I crack my back and my knuckles and continue because Alex hasn't come to tell me to stop yet.

He does eventually. He doesn't say anything, and I only

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