Reena - It Begins

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*Two weeks later*

It's morning and the first thing I immediately do is to throw up. When I finally stop because there's nothing left in my stomach, my throat feels raw and my eyes are running water. I rinse my mouth repeatedly then brush my teeth and floss. Then I take a shower, and while it takes everything in me to stand and wash myself, I fight back the tiredness and try not to crumble to the wet floor.

I've always had problems standing too long, it makes me dizzy and weak especially in the mornings. When I'm done and I begin to get dress. At the mirror I take the first look at my stomach and although it's not big yet I can see small changes.

I've been staring for so long I don't even notice when the tears come, and they come hard. I cover my mouth as I descend to the floor and it's there that I let everything out. I cry until I'm shaking so hard I feel like I'm going to break. I cry because of my fears, my doubts and the situation I've gotten myself into.

Yes I'm pregnant, and I've accepted responsibility for my actions and I'm keeping it and moving forward. But if I could go back to that night I would've made certain about how everything went down. For Christ's sake, I know we should've used a condom, but so many other things were a top my list of priorities, that it slipped my mind to mention it to him.

As I rub my tummy, I feel some joy but there's also the fears that are overwhelming the little happiness I'm feeling.

Fears that I'm too young and I'm not financially capable of effectively caring for my baby. Fears that my baby grow up at a disadvantage because of this. Fears that I won't even be a good parent. What if I fail as a mother? And the fear that the minute I tell Reed that he'll reject me and my child. Because I know more than anyone that every child needs both of their parents. It's the balance.

The tears continue running down my face and deep down in my chest I just want everything to stop, even for a minute. Especially my brain, but the more I think about not thinking, the more I think.

The words my uncle spoke come crashing back and I wish I had someone to talk to but the only person I have is my mother, and she is a total wreck. She just walks around like a zombie and doesn't even make eye contact with me.

I've always been alone but I've never quite felt like this. So much going on with no one to talk to about it. And worse more than all of that, I'm dreading going back to school which has never been the case. I've always looked forward to school, it wasn't just my means of getting away from the turmoil at home but also my hope of getting a better future. So I was always pumped to get back and now, now I almost wish I didn't have to go. But I know this time tomorrow, I'll be at school whether I like the idea because this isn't about just my future anymore.

Reed pops up in my head and I become more anxious. I haven't seen him since I came from the hospital, even though he insists on coming over. But I always stubbornly refuse. The first week I told him I was really tired from the medication and trauma, but by the second week the excuse was getting pretty tiresome. So instead I told him I needed some time to think about 'us'.

That's not exactly what he wanted to hear but I'm guessing it was close because he hasn't bothered me since about coming over. He just calls me every morning to say hi and ask how I am.

Occasionally we talk about other stuff like school and Lacrosse, his friend Sheldon and his parents. But not much else. What I know about him is that he genuinely admires his mom and dad. Sheldon has been his best friend for years and they know a lot about each other because Sheldon's parents know his. Lacrosse training is more demanding and school is the same.

There's one thing I want to talk about with him and I think come tomorrow, when I return to school, I should tell him about the pregnancy. I need to tell him because I finally get that I can't do this by myself any longer. I need him and I'm hoping he doesn't walk away.

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