18. How?

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Stephen.

How do you come to terms with something like this?

How do you accept it?

How do you deal with it?

How do you move forward?

How can I be okay with my ex girlfriend waiting 5 years to tell me that I have a son?

And, can what occurred tonight even be considered "telling"?

Probably not.

Let me correct myself: I found out that my ex girlfriend was pregnant when she left me, and that she, for five years, negated to tell me that I have a son.

I ball up my fist and hit the steering wheel. "Dammit!"

How? How could she do this to me? Me? The man who, at one point, she swore she would grow old with.

Yeah, I get that she thought I cheated, honestly I do. But what does that have to do with her purposefully keeping my son away from me? How can the two correlate?

And maybe if this had only gone on for a year or two, I wouldn't be upset. I mean, it's been five years. My son is almost five. That means I've missed first words, first crawl, first walk, first smile, first day of school, and plethora of other firsts.

How can I live with that?

How can I live knowing that I've already missed out on so much?

I don't know.

Starting the car, I ease out of Krystina's driveway and onto the street.

I head towards my place, but then decide to pay Fernando a visit instead. Coming into the house like this, especially while my parents are in town, is not something I want to do.

The drive there is particularly uneventful, save for a few punches I throw at the steering wheel and the curses I shout into the air.

The door is already unlocked when I reach Nando's apartment.

He takes one look at my face, and breaks out the scotch.

"So, how was it? You look pretty stressed." He says, genuine concern on his face.

I take a sip of the drink, trying to ignore the sting of tears in my eyes.

"She was pregnant when she left." Is the only thing I mutter.

Taking another long sip, I refill the glass. "She had a son. My son. And I had to accidentally run into him in her hallway to find out."

I wait for a moment, but Fernando says nothing.

The look on his face, however, says everything. His lack of surprise is very telling.

"Hmm." I shake my head and laugh, not a hint of humor in it. "You knew."

He swallows. "Yeah. I accidentally met him the other day. When. I went to apologize."

"And you didn't think to tell me?" I ask bitterly.

"Stephen, you're upset right now, and you have every right to be. But you know that wasn't my secret to tell. You know it." He tries to reason.

"Then who's was it to tell? Huh? Certainly not Krys', seeing as how she didn't even tell me outright." I take another swig of my drink.

"I'm taking a piss in the bathroom, and all of sudden I hear rumbling in the next room. So, being the gentleman that I am, I decide to see what all the racket is. I walk into the hall only to be met by a little black truck and a small, light brown, curly haired version of myself staring back at me."

Fernando looks at me, saying nothing.

"It's just messed up man. This whole thing is just messed up. That's no way for a man to find out he has a child. That's not right. And the fact that you knew and didn't tell me is just......wow. I mean you couldn't give me a hint? A heads up?" My throat clogs as I try to fight back tears.

"Look man, I'm really sorry. It wasn't my place to tell. That wouldn't have been a good way for you to find out either. Krys was gonna tell you tonight. That was the whole purpose for the dinner." He tells me, noticing the effort I'm putting into not letting the tears fall. "These past few months have been really trying. I won't judge. I think after all that's happened, you need a really good cry. It's not healthy for you to keep all these emotions bottled up inside."
He pats my back, and starts to walk out of the room.

So I heed to his words.

And I cry.

_______________

"So what are you going to do?" He asks after I've finally settled down.

"I don't know. I just want to be in his life. I don't want it to come to that, but if I have to take her to court to make it happen, I will. I'd hate to do it to her, I really would. But I'm not gonna let her keep him from me any longer."

"I'm with you man, but you know you can't just barge into the kids life. You have to ease in. Get to know him, allow him to get to know you. You and Krystina definitely need to have another chat when you've both calmed down a bit. This is serious stuff, man." He sips from glass.

"I know man, I know."

____________________________________________________________________

A bit shorter than usually, but hey.

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