It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you break it
It's the risk that I'm taking
I ain't never gonna shut you out

Desperation really gets people in weird places.

Like in this instance, where I went to Mr. Florence's office the first thing in the morning.

"I'll knock and you speak." I ordered Zoe, who was willing to come to school earlier with me.

Yesterday, after the whole cafeteria fiasco, I went straight home to get myself a clear head. Zoe, ever the gossip girl, followed me home along with Jade after finding about, and I told them all about what happened. There were some tears involved, of course, but they made me feel better and convinced me that I could get my boys back.

She raised an eyebrow. "Bitch, I ain't the one who needs a favor! I'll knock and you speak."

I pouted. "Fine."

Zoe nonchalantly knocked on his door and stepped aside when he opened it.

"Ms. Solace," he greeted, visibly taken aback. "To what do I owe this visit?"

Clearing my throat, I put on my please-listen-to-me-I'm-a-good-student face. "Actually, sir, I have a favor to ask..."

After my long speech, he still looked unconvinced. He gazed at me with scrutiny, narrowing his beady eyes at me. I clenched my fist, tempted to punch him because his face was just so annoying when Zoe finally stepped in.

"Please, sir," she pleaded, batting her lashes. Mr. Florence softened. "She really needs that favor."

She looked back at me and shot me a pointed glance. As if on cue, fake tears welled up in my eyes. As a tear dropped, Mr. Florence sighed in defeat, shaking his head at our shenanigans.

"Fine," he agreed gruffly. "I'll do it."

I wiped my tear away and squealed with Zoe. "Thank you so much, sir!"

Before he could see through our act, Zoe grabbed my hand and we ran away. We burst out laughing once we were far enough, still in disbelief that he fell for our terrible acting skills.

"If that's all we need to do for teachers to follow us, I would have done that a long time ago to boost my grades up." Zoe sighed dramatically in regret.

"I doubt they'd do that," I pursed my lips. "I remember when we were in ninth grade, a girl actually begged for Mr. Florence to give her something to do for extra credit so that she could pass, but he still refused."

"That's evil," she wrinkled her nose. "Anyway, will you be okay by yourself? I promised Nico I'd play Brawl Stars with him."

I waved her off, shooing her away. "Yeah, go ahead. I'll be fine."

She kissed my cheek before skipping away. Shaking my head at her whipped self, I proceeded to go to my locker when someone grabbed me by my collar and pushed me to the wall.

"A-Aly?" I winced as she tightened her hold on my collar. Even though she was shorter than me, she managed to carry me upwards, my feet dangling below me. Her teeth were bared at me and for the first time, I saw the Aly people were terrified of.

"You promised me you won't hurt my cousin," she growled. If looks could kill, I'd be dead right now. "You told me you weren't doing anything with the Playboys. You assured me that you simply enjoyed their company, nothing more."

"I'm s-sorry." I choked, trying to take her hands off my neck.

"They have been through so much already," she glowered at me, anger leaking out of her tone. "They may be players, but they don't deserve to be hurt the way you hurt them. They don't deserve to be broken again because of your stupid, selfish game."

"I-I know." I wheezed, feeling really out of breath. "I know, Aly, and I'm trying to fix it! P-Please, just let me go."

She stared at me in the eyes for a few seconds before letting me go, making me gasp as air was brought back in my lungs. As I bent over and caught my breath, I felt the heaviness of her glare on me.

"You better fix it, Kath," she warned, crossing her arms. "I do not appreciate Ryder coming to my house to vent and cry like a little boy. You better apologize to him—to all of them."

Before I could say anything, she walked away.

The rest of the day went by slowly. I had to endure hours of people mocking me, my classmates snickering at me—just everyone making fun of me. I crossed paths with the Playboys, but they avoided me like I was a pesky mosquito. They didn't even look at me, which was understandable. By the time school ended, I felt Aly's steel-like grip around my neck once again and a heavy weight on my back with my heart thumping out of its chest.

I walked to the detention room and stopped once I was in front, staring at the door. Behind it I could their childish bicker, making me inhale sharply. My knees were getting weak, like they were begging me to run away instead of facing them. I regretted asking Mr. Florence for this favor, for asking him to put the four guys in detention for absolutely no reason just so I could reconcile with them.

My hand hovered over the doorknob and I was just about to twist it when I felt the need to vomit. I turned around and started walking away, deciding I couldn't face them. I couldn't handle the thought of being in the same room with people I loved but betrayed. I couldn't stomach them not forgiving me, them still hating me despite my apology and explanation.

I hated confrontations. I didn't like seeing the expression of someone crumbling as I told them what I felt. I didn't like feeling like the bad guy, feeling like I just ripped their hearts out with my own hands. I didn't like the way I stuttered or stammered or choked my words back, especially the feeling of wanting to cry as I spoke.

But then, I heard muffled yelling coming from the room.

"Just tell me you hate me, you fucking coward!" Ryder shouted, followed by the sound of something crashing.

I didn't even hesitate. I turned back around and opened the door to see Zachary backed into the wall with Ryder cornering him. Logan and Ivan were trying to hold Ryder back, but he shrugged the two of them off. Around them were chairs that were no longer upright and broken tables, as if there had been a tornado in the room.

"I hate you." Zachary spat angrily, making Ryder shake in anger. He lifted up a fist to hit Zachary and without thinking, I ran in front of him.

Just as Ryder threw a punch.

I grimaced in pain after his fist made contact with my cheek, stumbling back as I caressed it. Ryder's eyes widened in surprise when he realized what he had done, looking down at his guiltily. "Sweethea—Kath?"

Before I could wave him off, Zachary lunged at him.

"How dare you fucking hit her!" he yelled, repeatedly punching his supposed best friend. I wanted to stop them, but the world still hadn't stopped spinning from Ryder's punch.

"I didn't mean to," he whispered as Zachary pinned him down and kept hitting him. Ryder simply stared at nothing, his eyes wide from horror. "I didn't mean to."

"Zach, buddy," Ivan called out gently, pulling him away from Ryder. "Let go of him."

He paid no attention to Ivan and continued pounding on him.

"Are you okay?" Logan asked, touching my shoulder gently. His question came out as muffled as I was only hearing a high pitched tone in my head. I nodded, just wanting the ringing in my ears to stop so I could help Ivan out.

"That's what you told me when you broke my sister's heart!" Zachary snapped, throwing punch after punch. Logan tried helping Ivan, but Zachary was just too angry to be stopped. "I told you not to get involved with her, but you just had to have her, too, didn't you? You just had to make her fall in love with you like all the other girls you controlled and manipulated. You knew she was fucking depressed, knew that she was unstable, yet you discarded her like she was just some trash when you were finished with her!"

"I already told you a hundred times that I'm sorry!" Ryder yelled back. "I'm sorry I didn't listen to you, I'm sorry I let her fall in love with me, I'm sorry I didn't back off. I'm sorry, okay?"

"Saying sorry won't bring her back to life!" he shouted, his voice breaking from too much emotions. I watched as his angry expression slowly crumbled, replaced with an emotional one. "You apologizing doesn't erase the memory of me finding her in her room with no pulse, an empty bottle of pills beside her. It doesn't fill up the missing hole in my heart ever since she killed herself."

He kept hitting Ryder as he lamented, so in spite of the roaring headache I was experiencing, I charged towards Zachary and pushed him off Ryder with all my might.

"STOP IT!" I roared once I successfully pushed him off. Ryder groggily sat up as Zachary breathed heavily, wiping the blood that was coming out of the side of his mouth.

"Look, I know he hurt your sister. I know you despise him for being a reason why she died, but you said so yourself, Ryder was a reason. I don't know her, but coming from you, it seemed as if she was going through a lot. Let's say Ryder was out of the picture, will she be happy? Will she feel complete?" I challenged.

Zachary didn't respond. Instead, he dropped his gaze, not meeting my heated look.

"Romance wouldn't have fixed her, Zachary. What she needed was real help, but unfortunately, it was too late before anyone could help her out. Even without him, there's always going to be a problem that will be too hard to bear because let's face it, that's life, isn't it? It's not Ryder's fault, not your fault, not her fault—it's no one's fault. Life itself is fucked up, and we just have to deal with it."

When a tear escaped his eye, I softened. "Living your life full of hatred and bitterness won't bring her back to life too, you know. Getting revenge on Ryder won't make you feel any better, believe me, I thought the same thing too."

I stood up from my spot, facing the four boys in front of me. I looked at Logan, who glanced around the room helplessly, probably trying to come up with a solution on how to fix everything. I looked at Ivan, who obviously wanted to spice up a joke to make everyone feel lighter. I looked at Zachary, who was staring at his bruised fists, instantly regretting blowing up like that. I looked at Ryder, who winced at every move, feeling like he deserved to be beaten up like that.

Their sad, broken eyes focused on me when I cleared my throat.

"I started this whole deal with my brother because I was fed up with him breaking hearts from left to right. Well, that was my initial thought. But eventually, I came to realize that I was doing it for myself. I thought playing you guys and breaking your hearts would help me move on from my own heartbreak," I admitted, fidgeting with my hands nervously. "Whenever I had doubts, I assured myself that I was not only getting revenge for me, but for the girls you guys broke, too. That was a complete and utter lie though. When I was in it deep, I didn't want to back out anymore because I got the love and attention I needed from you guys. Even though my gut was telling me I was doing the wrong thing, I still continued to do it because not only did I feel a little less lonely, but I harbored so much rage and hatred from my last break up that I convinced myself I was doing the right thing by breaking you guys too."

"Little did I know I was turning into the monster that hurt me. I felt so fucking guilty for hurting you guys because once I got to know you all, I began to break every rule I had for myself. I told myself I wouldn't get attached, I wouldn't let myself enjoy when I was hanging with you, I wouldn't open myself to you guys, and most of all, I wouldn't love any of you. But as time passed by, I came to love all of you: your insecurities, your hardships, your talents, your individual quirks, your everything. You guys made me realize that we all make mistakes since we're human, and that doesn't exclude you anyone. Despite of your shortcomings, you guys are the loveliest, most amazing, and strongest people I know. I want to thank you guys because you taught me love, patience, and forgiveness. The four of you showed me what it's like to be loved and if you guys give me another chance, I'll give you the love you all deserve. I'm sorry that I judged you all wrongly, that I broke your hearts, that I dragged you guys down with me. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I just wanted to let you guys know that I love you all and I will never forget how you guys helped me into becoming a better person."

I was breathing heavily by the time I was finished, relieved that I was finally able to voice out my side.

They simply blinked back at me, not uttering a single word. I nodded sadly, understanding their silence. With a heavy heart, I started to walk out of the room, realization dawning on to me that they weren't going to forgive me that easily.

"Wait!" Ryder called out just before I stepped out. I perked up, instantly turning around.

He cleared his throat and averted his gaze away from mine, scratching the back of his neck.

"First of all, I'm sorry for hitting you, Kath. I really didn't mean to." Ryder apologized. He made a move to touch my face, but he decided against it at the last second, making my heart sink. I wanted to scream at him to call me sweetheart, to touch my face, but of course I couldn't do that. "Second, I'm speaking for myself here, but I'm sorry that I can't just let things go back to normal. I'm not saying that we won't ever be friends again, but it's going to take a long time for me to trust you again. I love you, but you broke so many promises that I don't think I can just be friends with you right away."

I had to bite my lip to stop it from quavering. My heart felt like it was getting shot repeatedly, but I understood. I understood that what I did couldn't be forgiven that quickly. I was already grateful enough that they were giving me an explanation, unlike when I was playing with them.

Logan slowly nodded in agreement, barely even glancing at me. "For me, you're going to have to gain my trust again. I gave you my everything and when I found out that you were just playing a game, I was really crushed. I know you were just hurt, I of all people would know that, but I need some time to recover from this. I need some time to completely forgive you, for us to be okay again."

"It's going to be hella weird if we simply pretended nothing happened," Ivan added, fidgeting with his fingers. "I mean, we're all in love with you, Kath. That shit doesn't just go away."

"I don't take people breaking deals lightly," Zachary mumbled, his eyes solely trained on the floor. It was a weird sight, him not being able to look at me. He was usually direct. "Usually, I'd be cutting people like you right away, but you're an exception. You just need to show me that none of that shit is happening again, and that's going to take time."

Taking a deep breath, I nodded. Even though all I wanted was to break down from the heaviness of my heart, I smiled.

"I'm going to earn your trusts back," I said with determination. "I love you all too much for me not to even try."

They were the reason why I grew from the toxic person that I was, therefore I wasn't just going to let them go that easily. I knew it was going to be difficult regaining their trust, but I was willing to go through that extra mile for them. I wanted to show them the care they showed to me, for them to feel the love they bestowed upon my undeserving self. I didn't even know if they were ever going to be fully okay with me, but I was going to take the small percent of chance that they were going to. I was going to take that risk because they were worth it.

Funny how there was only one rule to this foolish game, to not fall in love, and I had broken it. Without even expecting it, I fell in love with all of them, the real them—not the facade they hid behind to avoid getting hurt again. I came to love with the boys I swore myself off, which was really ironic.

I had no regrets.

Ryder cracked a small smile. "That's the crazy woman I know."

I winked at him. "Anyway, before we go our separate ways, what do you guys say about me finally treating you guys pizza?"

They didn't have to voice out their agreement. Their wide grins said it all.

*~*~*~*~*

The Playboys stared at me in disgust as I munched on my Hawaiian pizza happily.

"You are disgusting." Ivan, who was across me, wrinkled his nose at me.

"And you have no taste." I stuck my tongue out. I wasn't letting them bash my favorite pizza.

"I'm vegetarian and I don't agree with pineapples on pizza," Ryder shook his head from beside me with distaste, eating his own vegan pizza. "Pineapples are great, just not on pizza."

"No offense, but vegan pizza tastes worse," I retorted, moving my pizza away from his.

Ryder gasped dramatically and moved his plate nearer to him as if he was comforting it.

"This is unfair," Logan, who was beside Ivan, frowned and pushed his plate away. "When you told us you'd be treating us pizza, I didn't think it would be this unethical crap."

"Hey," I pouted, running a hand through my food. "Don't call my baby unethical crap. You're unethical for not appreciating the goodness of this dish."

Zachary, who was at my other side, glared at his food like it was fighting him. He started to pick out the pineapples and placed it on Ryder's plate, who ate the fruit happily. Ivan and Logan saw him do this, so they began to do the same until there was a whole mountain of pineapples on Ryder's plate.

By the annoyed expression on his face, I'd think he wouldn't eat it.

I was right. He didn't just eat it, he vacuumed the whole plate of pineapples with his mouth.

"What?" he burped when we all blinked at him. "I love pineapples."

"So does Kath apparently," Logan brought up, eyeing my pineapple scarf. "What's with that anyway? I don't think I've ever seen you wear one."

"It's stylish." I reasoned out as indifferently as possible. I felt Zachary's eyes on me as I stared out of the window.

"But it's hot?" Ivan said, furrowing his eyebrows. "Aren't you sweating in that?"

Truthfully, I was, but I didn't want anyone asking questions about my scratches.

"Stop bothering me and my fashion sense," I snapped at them, crossing my arms. "Do you see my asking why the hell you tuck your jeans in your socks? Or why your pants are too low on your waist? No, because we have our own fashion statements."

"Well, if that's the case," Ryder spoke after a moment of silence. "I want something like that too."

Without any warning, he pulled my scarf away from me. I was too startled to react so before I could grab it back, they already saw my neck.

"Ryder!" Zachary scolded, grabbing the scarf for me and wrapping it around my neck. "Why would you do that?"

"That's not exactly the issue right now, Zach." Ryder waved him off, his hazel eyes only focused on me. "What are those marks on your neck?"

"Duh, those are hickeys," Ivan tutted, waggling his eyebrows. "Who are they from?"

"They're not hickeys, you dimwit," Logan corrected, narrowing his eyes at me. "Those are scratches, aren't they?"

I slumped in my seat. "No." I denied weakly.

"Don't try to lie." Ryder demanded, impatience leaking from his tone.

"She doesn't have to say anything," Zachary growled at them, silencing the three boys. "Don't force her into saying something she's not ready to