Chapter XXII ─ Solid Ground

[ M I C H A E L   G R I F F I N ]

What a day. I thought to myself and stared at the ceiling of my room, listening to Bryan's soft and steady breathing on my bed.

I was wide awake, rummaging through all the vile thoughts in my head, reliving what had gone down during this annoyingly long Tuesday. It was only eleven or so in the evening, but we decided to bunk down early. I think the rest was very needed, especially for Bryan, we couldn't ignore the fact that we had school the day after either.

To my surprise, Bryan insisted on going back to school so soon after his sister decided to pay him an unwanted visit. A part of me thought that he only said he'd go to not hold me back and deep down I knew it was true, he felt like a burden on my shoulders and I couldn't shake that feeling off of him just yet. I wasn't going to insist for him to sit back and take a breather if that's not what he wanted, he was a man capable of figuring things out at his own pace.

Until and after he figured said things out, I'd be there. When I brought him back home I made an unspoken promise to both myself and him, I was committed to Bryan Clay. I'd be his safe space until he decided he'd had enough of me.

He needed someone he could rely on no matter what, he needed a family, a friend that would stick by his side no matter and I'd be all those things if he so wished. I let him slip out of my fingers before and it turned out to be one of my biggest regrets, this time, letting go was simply not an option. Bry could stay at my house as long as he wished, heck he could've even moved in because I was certain mom wouldn't mind his presence here, she loves the boy, much as I do.

Bryan tossed and turned in my bed, his arm found itself dangling off of my bed, he was slightly bigger than me and it was clear that my bed wasn't really big enough to contain the beast that Bryan Clay had grown up to be. I had to shake the thoughts of lacing my fingers with his own, we weren't at that stage yet, I didn't think either of us was ready for that kind of affection.

Still, I couldn't help but get these sappy and otherwise cheesy thoughts around him, it felt slightly inappropriate while he was grieving. I wanted to have his arms around my frame for no reason at all, I wanted to have my arms around him and listen to his heartbeat as we slept, I wanted to have my arms around him, period. I needed to give it time though, perhaps a few days, weeks, or possibly months, we didn't have to label our feelings just yet, that was the least of our worries.

I knew we both harbored similar feelings towards each other, I did not doubt in my mind because he told me he once loved me more than anything, however, to anyone with a pair of eyes it was evident that he was still just as hung up on me as I was him. We were treading in uncharted waters, but there was no rush.

After a conversation with Bryan about what truly went down when he decided to turn his back to me, I finally had clarity and a plan to move forward. We were kids back then and whilst we still were young, stupid, and reckless, we would do better this time around, I put that trust in both me and him. 

A part of me beat myself up for not seeing the signs of his affection early on, for not trying to fix everything harder, but I also knew that I couldn't have done anything. When the world turns it's back on you, you feel like you can't trust anyone to be there for you, I learned that after my piece of shit father ran out of mom and I's lives. I was devastated, broken, I felt like nobody cared about me, that nobody loved me, which in hindsight seemed so stupid, but I couldn't help it. It took me a long time to snap out of it, to break down the walls I had built around myself, even if I found myself cementing them back up after Bryan had walked out on me. It took Bry longer though, I was lucky enough to have a loving mother who didn't leave me for stranded and eventually Ash.

Bryan had no one, his sister hated him for the dumbest reasons, his parents walked out of his life. He was never the friendliest person either, he didn't click with anyone but me, he was unusually timid and guarded with every step he took back then and now respectively.

I was going to be his someone, I'd be there to snap him out of that claustrophobic brick house he'd built for himself.

I had to stop and think about it for a moment, was I pushing too far? Could I do this by myself? Bryan had been neglected and deep inside his head for years, that kind of damage is incredibly hard to undo, perhaps not even possible. Perhaps I'd have to talk him into seeing a therapist at one point, I know he'd been diagnosed with a disorder before but he hasn't been since.

What if I failed and somehow messed everything up? What if I was setting my expectations for myself way too high? I didn't want to end up plummeting headfirst into a pit of depression myself, I had to take care of both myself and Bryan, which is why I couldn't overdo it. I had to let Bryan make decisions for himself and be there to support him instead.

I stifled a yawn and shifted my thoughts elsewhere, I didn't want to stress myself out to the point of losing any chance of sleep. Accompanied by Bryan's steady breathing, my thoughts drifted back to Ash, she'd called earlier, talked about how things had been going for her since we split up. The fact that we weren't together anymore was still fresh, but it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. 

She asked about how Bryan had been doing after she found out he would be staying at mine for a while. I truly didn't know what to tell her, he surely could've been doing better than he was right now, I was certain he was exhausted from this entire fiasco and his life dealing the wrong cards. It was nice to have Ash's empathy by my side, I half expected some tension between the two of us, but she was right after all.

We were still best friends, we would still be best friends, and ripping that 'boyfriend and girlfriend' sticker off of our backs would be good for both of us. I shouldn't have dragged that relationship on for nearly as long as I did, Ash did deserve someone who would love her unconditionally, truly love her, I mean. I didn't think I couldn't love Ash after all we've been through, she was family. I was glad that she wanted us to move on and see different people because now I truly had a chance to be with the only person I wanted guilt-free.

I could steal 'good night' kisses without having to feel horrible about myself in the morning. I smiled at that thought, I liked the way it sounded.

Before I knew it, I found myself drifting off, with another yawn escaping my mouth I closed my eyes, only to wake up what seemed a few hours later into the night with a hard body weighing down the air mattress next to me.

Bryan had found his way off of my comfortable bed and onto the air mattress only to hold onto me for dear life. I hesitated at first but found myself leaning into his warmth with a smile forming on my face. 

I could get used to this.