Chapter XVIII ─ Demons

[ M I C H A E L   G R I F F I N ]

Going against Ash's demands and later on protests, I decided to leave the situation with Bryan to rest for a few days. I wanted to give him space after so unexpectedly kissing him in his kitchen overtaken by that drunken Saturday morning haze. I also needed some time to think over everything that unraveled in the short span of two days.

That must have been the most hectic weekend of my life ever. Shortly after talking and eventually breaking up with my best friend, I went back home confused, but more importantly, liberated of a boulder I had subconsciously been carrying for a very long time. 

Finally clearing the troubled air between Ash and I helped us get on the right track with our friendship. I had freedom over whom I wanted to kiss, touch, and think about, a huge relief for me. The guilt of constantly thinking about Bryan's lips had been getting to me for way too long. I had to admit though, whether we wanted it or not, things would likely be weird between the two of for the coming months, but I had faith that we would get over it.

I also had to get over the fact that Ash would eventually meet and fall for someone, she deserved to be loved. Still, after Bryan took a swift exit out of my life she was my everything for a while and in a way still was. She was my comfort, the one I always ran back to that wasn't my mom. I hoped that wouldn't change, I don't know what I would do if Ash suddenly left me like Bryan once did, I couldn't bear it.

Ah, look at me, I was overthinking again, but I couldn't help it. This whole situation was just too juicy not to spend hours overthinking every little possible scenario and play out a faux vision of my life in my head. It wasn't healthy, I had clarified that a long time, but it was my way of coping and figuring things out.

Speaking of figuring things out, I had finally decided on what I felt for Bryan. After the talk with my ex-girlfriend, I spent the entirety of Sunday staring at the ceiling of the living room while my mother made disapproving noises once in a while, thinking about what I felt. I had gone over the possibility of my libido flaring at the wrong moments, me just missing my friend and then, of course, wanting to be involved with him romantically.

I had decided on the latter. When I thought about it, I realized that I wasn't just pining to get Bryan back in my life for the sake of having my old friend back. When we were young, I had always associated Bryan with the word 'safe'. But all these years later, I had found my new safety net, I found safety and solace in another person. I wanted to have Bryan all to myself for way different reasons, I wanted to have Bryan beside me again because I loved him.

Whether platonically or romantically, it didn't make a difference, I remembered telling Bryan that I loved him back when we were kids. Then boys our age would have rather died than admitted to loving each other, even if it weren't remotely romantic, we had been raised that way because we were supposed to be tough. To my surprise at the time, he'd told me that he loved me too and it was all comforting smiles and jokes all over again. That tender moment that felt just right in my head, but I had never truly stopped to consider it up until now. What if Bryan had loved me, truly loved me, not just because we were best friends, what if things spiraled way deeper than I previously thought? What if that was why he left me?

I felt dread wash over my body as I slowly untangled the memories I held dear to me if my speculations had been right and Bryan did have feelings for me for as long as we could remember. I was the only one to blame for his departure.

Puzzle pieces that fit together with each other in the right ways were now scattered in my hands. I connected the dots, Bryan left me because he couldn't stand to see me with his sister, whom now, we all knew, wasn't the greatest person. She was also my biggest regret in general. Now that I was all grown up and knew a little better, I realized just how fucked up the situation was. What I thought was a spontaneous offer from an older girl, might have been fabricated with the single purpose of driving me away from my best friend.

It was clear in my mind that Jenna Clay had a prejudice against her younger brother for whatever reason. It was clear that there was bad blood between them and, in turn, their parents. All of the Clay family had been shattered into pieces because of something I couldn't put my finger on.

I knew that by this point I had my tin foil hat on and went into full conspiracy theory mode, but something wasn't sitting right with me in my gut. What was clear though, I had to make up for my lack of better judgment all those years ago and find a way to resolve this rough patch I had harbored with Bryan. The only question left was how?

It was already Monday afternoon and I was organizing my locker in the main hallway of East Aredale High before it was time for practice. The word that Ash and I had broken up had spread faster than the black death in the horrible hygiene conditions of Europe in the Middle Ages. The mystery that was the high school gossip hierarchy had been a total enigma to me and I wasn't going to question it. I had been questioned and nagged at throughout the entire day, I was already tired of meaningless offers from people I didn't care about.

To say that I was tense would have been a huge understatement, My muscles hadn't felt this much strain since the boot camp I didn't want to think about. This would be the first time Bryan and I met after the spontaneous make-out session, would he even acknowledge me? Knowing him, he'd probably avoid me like the plague itself.

When I finally finished organizing my books and the unnecessary amount of old papers I had stockpiled in my locker, I made my way to the locker room, where most of the guys had already gathered for practice. 

Something was off that day, the guys kept up the chatter of chicks and parties, nothing out of the usual. The coaches were yelling their asses off for no reason, once again nothing out of the usual. But a simple question from Kyle what had ticked me off. "Has anyone seen Bryan? Been trying to call him, he won't pick up."

"Nah, he wasn't in for school today either." One of the guys from the West responded. I grew more concerned with each second and minute that passed from that point and onwards.

I did shit in practice, something out of the usual, all I could think about was Bryan and what was going on with him. Lately, Bryan not turning up to practice hadn't been all too unfamiliar, not after him passing out in the locker room the way he did. But that was all done and dusted, he had weeks to rest and he usually rarely ever missed practice, much less didn't answer his phone.

I felt something gnawing at me at the pit of my stomach, I wanted to investigate but also wanted to give him space he probably needed. I was thrown into a moral dilemma yet again, a common theme running in the melodrama that was my life.

I couldn't sit there and just do nothing, I couldn't force myself to. I found coach Kyle after practice and found myself voicing my worry out loud. "Has Bryan responded yet?"

Kyle shook his head in response before clearing his throat. "Radio silence. It's not very likely of him to ignore me or not show up at all, do you know where he might be? I don't want to speculate too much but I know you two are close and lately, he has been pretty unstable."

I shook my head as an answer. "I hadn't seen him since Friday." It was Saturday morning, but I didn't need to go into specifics. Kyle calling Bryan 'unstable' was truthful but also unsettling, hearing that opinion from someone else cemented my worry into an entirely different frontier. I was ready to crawl out of my skin.

"Was anything off about him at all? Did he say anything weird?" He eyed me. I knew Kyle cared about his star player and I also knew what he was grasping at. He knew that Bryan had self-destructive habits he had no intentions of fixing. And recently with the weight, I put on him, I started assuming the worst.

"No, he seemed fine. Listen, I'm going to go to his house and check everything out, I'll let you know what I find." I blurted out and rushed away.

I found myself rushing to his house at an astronomical speed on foot. I must've looked like a person that had a little too much caffeine. But I couldn't care less about appearances, I needed to see that Bryan was alright with my own eyes.

When his household came into the view, my heart dropped. There was an unfamiliar car in his driveway, but somehow I knew exactly who owned it.

Jen.