Thirty Four

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Sam wanted to feel reassured by Ryan's words, but deep down, she was shaken back into rude reality.

She had been deluding herself all this while. But now, it was time to face the truth.

It had been so easy to fall for the idea of mingling work and pleasure that she had ignored everything she knew about the dangers of sex in the workplace and all she stood to lose.

Her career, her reputation.

The scene in Bradford's office had brought back all that in startling clarity.

What if Bradford decides to investigate further and finds out the truth? A chill ran over her skin, causing goosebumps as she considered the consequences.

Her work and commendations about the Projects department and Ryan in particular would be called into question. She'd be accused of working under the influence of a romantic attachment and discredited.

At best, even if she somehow managed to keep her job, her reputation would be in bits. At worst…

She was off the sofa in a shot and resumed her frantic pacing, mind going into overdrive. Her temples throbbed with each step

"Sam - "

"We have to stop."

She turned to Ryan, decision made. He looked startled, grey eyes snapping up to meet hers.

The silence hummed between them for a long moment.

Then he sighed and stood, turning away to cross over to the window, hands thrust in his pockets, tension oozing from every pore.

She waited for him to say something, but he stood silent, gazing absently at the skyline.

"We can't keep sneaking around like this." She said, more to break the lingering silence than a need for further explanation. "If Bradford should ever find out the truth, I could lose my job."

He slammed a hand on the glass and swore, a muscle working in his jaw. "That's not going to happen. I won't let it happen."

"Ryan, I can't take that risk." She forced down a bubble of hysteria and swallowed. "I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore. My...my career means a lot to me and...I can't."

The anger seemed to flow out of him.

"I know," he agreed in a quiet tone. He turned his head to look at her, pained certainty in his expression. "Believe me, Sam, I know just how much of a fucking mess this could turn out to be. I wish we didn't have to come to this point, but…"

Warm, large hands cupped her face, gently lifting her gaze to his. There was such a wealth of tenderness in his eyes that she longed to sink into him, wrap herself in it, and let the present float away like a bad dream.

"I don't want to let you go, Sam." He rasped, "These past few weeks with you have been amazing and fuck knows how hard it's going to be without you."

The admission rocked through Sam, bringing equal parts joy and misery. It was exhilarating to know he felt the exact same way she did.

Not for the first time, longing blazed through her body; how she wished they'd met under different circumstances, that being with him didn't threaten her job and career, that they could just have a relationship without the need to sneak around.

But wishes rarely became reality. And she had to let go of fantasies that would only cause more harm than good.

Still, it was so hard to accept cold facts when every nerve was hyper from his touch, the feel of his hands, the soft look he was giving her, the sweet words…

Shaking her head, she took two large steps back, suddenly needing to put distance between them so she could think.

"We agreed on no complications, and nothing that would jeopardize our jobs, Ryan," she took a deep breath to steady her nerves. "And this is as complicated and dangerous as it gets. I will not let casual sex get in the way of my career."

He stilled, eyes narrowed to slits. "Casual sex? Is that all it's been to you?"

No! Her mind screamed. She wanted to tell him how much she craved him, how being with him had finally pushed away the shadows of the past, how his touch was food to her soul.

How in love she was with him.

"That's what we agreed on, wasn't it? I mean, yeah, the sex was great and all..." The words tore a hole in her heart, but she soldiered on, knowing what she needed to do. "But it's not worth the risk."

"And nothing's changed for you ever since?" He asked, his tone strangely calm. "Cmon Sam, don't do this."

Blood roared in her ears and she swallowed, fighting to keep calm. "Do what?"

"Force an argument." He shook his head and thrust his hands in his pockets. "There's no need to resort to that. I understand your need to save your job and believe me Sam, I'm the last person who'd insist on carrying on an affair that's bound to cause trouble for you."

He gave her a rueful smile and shrugged. "So, yeah. If you want us to stop seeing each other, that's fine, I get it. We're both adults and know when to draw the line."

"I'm sorry." She whispered the words, shame washing over her. Unable to meet his eyes, she bent her head, focusing instead on the pattern of the carpet.

The tips of his shoes filled her vision and moments later, he lifted her chin. "Look at me, Princess."

She flushed, his touch igniting already unstable emotions and forced her gaze to his.

His lips captured hers in a poignant kiss and for one sweet eternity, she forgot everything and kissed him back.

Desperately.

It was over far too quickly.

He lifted his head and she whimpered in protest, opening eyes she didn't remember shutting, loosening the grip on the lapels of his jacket that she didn't recall grasping.

He let her go and stepped away, turning to head out the door, leaving her standing in a daze.

At the door, he paused. "I'll be leaving for Maui on Monday." He said, his tone brisk.

"You're leaving so soon?" Monday was only five days away. With a jolt, she realized what that meant and she sank down on the sofa, limbs suddenly weak.

"Yeah. I spoke with Caine and he wants me down there as soon as possible. I'd have gone over the weekend, but I have something to take care of first."

A grim look crossed his face and he shook his head, as though to clear an unpleasant thought.

"Oh," she tamped down disappointment and nodded. "That's fine."

****

"This is the last set. Where do these go?"

Sam glanced up as Yash shouldered his way in through the front door of her new apartment, holding a stack of labelled boxes.

"Bedroom." She gestured towards the room, and returned to unpacking the box of kitchen ware. Picking up a set of gold leaf china dinner plates, she placed each one carefully in the designated shelf and stepped back to admire her handiwork.

Satisfaction bloomed as she surveyed the open plan space. For the living room, she'd chosen milky white walls, with champagne accents and light green and white furnishings to complete the look. After a weekend spent shopping for furniture with Dee, she'd bought a light green couch with matching embroidered throw pillows, a lovely teal coffee table, cream curtains and a light green carpet.

Now, seeing it all put together, it created a warm and cozy space she already liked. On the whole, the apartment was smaller than Yash's place, but just right for a single lady. She was even lucky enough to have a balcony with an amazing view.

She stretched and grimaced as sore muscles protested from the constant effort of lifting, shopping and carrying she had done over the past five days, in addition to handling the situation at work.

The thought of the work situation threatened to dampen her mood and she resolutely shoved it aside, pulling up instead a mental checklist of the things still needed to be done for the apartment.

She needed to buy some potted plants and wicker furniture for the balcony, the desk she'd ordered was due to arrive tomorrow and she needed to check that her purchases from Amazon were enroute.

"Is it just me or is this frame crooked?" Dee's question pulled Sam from her thoughts and she glanced over to where her friend stood, frowning at a painting hanging over the dining area, arms set at her waist.

Sam wandered over to have a look, tilting her head to get a better angle. It was one of her favourites, a breathtaking depiction of a mountainside lake.

"It looks fine to me." She mused, tapping a finger on her chin. Yash emerged from the bedroom and joined the two women. "Yash, does this look crooked?"

He merely glanced at it and shrugged. "Looks okay."

"I swear this corner is lower than the other end." Dee stabbed a finger at the offending edge, glaring at the painting as though it had personally chosen to annoy her on purpose.

Sam exchanged a raised eyebrow with Yash. They both knew Dee could get obsessively OCD when she felt something was off and it was pointless trying to argue.

"Here, let me fix that." Yash sighed and gently moved Dee aside to grip the painting, adjusting it slightly. "How about now?"

"A little to the left...no, that's too much...move it back…"

Losing interest, Sam wandered through the open doors leading to the balcony. There was a rather brisk breeze with a nip that whipped strands of hair over her face and she tugged close the edges of her cardigan.

Leaning against the railing, she watched as dusk settled over the horizon, deep in thought. Her eyes drifted shut and instantly, memories of the poignant kiss they'd shared - five days, sixteen hours ago - swam to the surface like bubbles let loose from a straw.

She couldn't lay a finger on why that kiss in particular lingered in her thoughts. Maybe it was because it was the last time she would feel the rush of feelings his touch sparked.

Or maybe it was because Ryan had poured so much emotion into that one kiss. It had been everything at once…

A farewell.

An assurance.

A declaration.

He'd expressed in that kiss words she longed to hear and at the same time dreaded. Dreaded because at this point, she wasn't even sure what she truly wanted.

It was much like how she now dreaded going to the office these days. If she'd thought pretending they were mere colleagues when they'd been having sex was a challenge, pretending to carry on as though the sight of him didn't churn her insides with the urge to just have him touch her...a brush of a hand against her skin, his mouth locked with hers.

To try to ignore the glances he sometimes sent her way when he thought she wasn't looking, to see the hunger in those grey eyes and know he burned for her just as much as she burned for him.

Torture, pure torture.

She groaned, letting her head fall to her arms. This was why she'd thrown herself into moving into this place. She'd found a bit of relief in keeping busy during the day, even though that left her nights filled with aching misery, laying on her bed and coming up with a dozen reasons why she'd made the right decision.

"Why are you standing out there?" Yash asked, leaning against the doorway wearing his usual disapproving big brother frown. "Come inside, you don't want to catch a cold now."

Sam opened her mouth to argue, thought better of it and obeyed. Dee came up beside Yash, holding his coat and he took it, bending to press a kiss on her forehead.

The gesture stirred envy as she remembered Ryan doing the same to her.

"You're leaving?" Sam asked, watching as he shrugged into the coat.

"Got an emergency brewing at the hospital." Yash replied, giving her an apologetic smile. "But we're done with the heavy lifting today right?"

She looked around and nodded. "Yeah, the rest of the stuff should start coming in tomorrow."

"I'll drop by then." He promised and turned to Dee. "You're staying the night here, right?"

"Yep," Dee grinned and winked at him. "Try not to miss me too much, okay?"

He muttered something under his breath and wrapped an arm around her waist, tugging her close for a searing kiss.

"I'll call when I get the chance." He broke the kiss, nodded at his sister and left.

"So," Dee turned to level a serious stare at her friend as soon as they were alone. "We need to talk about this mood you've been in lately."

She'd known this was coming.

Sam heaved a tired sigh and sank down on the rug, tucking her legs under her body.

"Are you hungry?" She hedged, reaching for a flier advertising a restaurant nearby and busied herself scanning it. "I'm starving, haven't had anything to eat since breakfast and I could go for some -"

With a long suffering sigh, Dee reached down and snatched the flier out of her hands.

"Don't change the topic, Sameera." She admonished, sinking down beside Sam. "From the way you've been acting since you ended things with Ryan, I can't help but think you were more into him than you've let on."

"I'm not." Sam found herself unable to meet Dee's eyes. She opted for staring at the patterns on her cardigan, idly picking at a loose thread. "I'm just worried about my job."

"There's being worried about your job and there's what you've been doing. I believe romantics call it 'pining for a loved one.'"

Sam couldn't help a snort of amusement. "Pining? Seriously?"

"I'm perfectly serious." Dee retorted, though her lips twitched for a second before becoming serious. "When are you going to admit that you have feelings for Ryan?"

"I'm not denying I have feelings for him." She replied. Feeling restless, she scrambled to her feet and began to pace.

"But I can't let those feelings get in the way of common sense. You know what I stand to lose if it gets out that we've been sleeping together, I'd lose my credibility and if I'm unlucky I'd get fired on top of that and blacklisted."

"You could always come work with me then." Dee said thoughtfully. "I need a kickass administrator to handle the financial stuff while Kim and I focus on creating and getting the new lingerie line into the fashion market."

Dee sat up, excited as the thought took hold. "Wow, why haven't we thought of this before? Of course, we won't be able to pay you as much as Silverton does, but the three of us could become partners and I just know that given the right…"

"You're missing the point, Dee" Sam shook her head in exasperation. "Even if I came to work for you, my reputation would still be in shreds and this could hurt your business when potential investors find out who I am."

She pinched the bridge of her nose and continued. "Manhattan may be forward thinking when it comes to some things, but in many ways, the people who hold any power in the business sphere still hold rather archaic conservative views with regards to women in the workplace."

"Okay," Dee said, excitement draining away. "So, what do you plan to do? You can't just try to ignore your feelings, not if the two of you are going to constantly be in each other's face all the time."

"I don't have a choice now, do I?

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